Subliminal Extacy Horoscope 2025 by D0k

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\\ oO //  Subliminal Extacy Horoscope 2025 by D0k        /  \__/
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, the regular prognosticator for S.E. is unavailable this issue, so they have had to rely on the mostly dubious services of ME! (D0k), and I have imbibed some rather interestingly named non-prescription "medication" for the occasion.

I swear I can see the future, but to be honest, I seem to have tremendous trouble seeing the present...

I do insist however, that like all horoscopes, mine are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Aries, we all know you like to make your presence known during anything you are involved in. There's a time and place to speak, and for you that is never and nowhere.

Most of the views you have can safely be ignored, and the others should be fired into the sun to ensure they never come in contact with normal rational right thinking individuals.

The sad part is, that its mostly bluster caused by the fact you know damn well that you will never be half the man your mother was.

Lucky Number - 404 (error)
Lucky Colour - Drunk Tank Pink
Lucky Animal - The Worm

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Oh Taurus... First of all, brush your tooth...

To say Taurus is "All Bull!" is simply describing the smell, not the headstrong personality.

This year try not speaking directly to people and you may notice the amount of people who simply walk away from you significantly decreases.

Well, I say significantly... We can only hope eh?

Lucky Number - 1 (Is the loneliest number)
Lucky Colour - Gamboge
Lucky Animal - The Worm!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, the twins! Two faced bastards...

You always tell yourself that you fail because of your low self esteem. Have you ever considered that "low self esteem" is just an accurate realisation of your own abilities?

On the other hand, being "success avoidant" means no one expects much from you. Good thing really.

Lucky Number - 2
Lucky Colour - Skobeloff
Lucky Animal - The Worm?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

When was the last time you heard someone say "I wish there was more Cancer in the world!"? Exactly.

I envy everyone who has never met you and honestly wish we were better strangers.

Wait, cancer is a CRAB? I mean thats marginally better than being CANCER, but who the hell wants to get crabs?

THE CRAB KING DEMANDETH SACRIFICES!!!

Lucky Number - 10 Million (Every year)
Lucky Colour - Caput Mortuum
Lucky Animal - The... WORM!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Check out Leo!

Its a good thing that some people find you attractive, but to be honest we are all getting sick of seeing your anus every time you turn around. PUT SOME PANTS ON!

Also you aren't good looking enough to be as thick as you are, and while you aren't the most stupid person on earth, you had better hope they dont die any time soon.

Lucky Number - 01100011 01100001 01110100 (yes, that's the level I've sunk to)
Lucky Colour - Smaragdine
Lucky Animal - The Ca... NO YOU FOOL, THE WORM!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Ah Virgo the virgin. Nothing wrong with that, but at some point you are gonna pop and people may be drowned by the ensuing deluge. (At the very least invest in some inflatable arm bands "just in case").

THIS COULD BE YOUR YEAR!

And if it isn't, you could win some serious cash in arm wrestling contests.

Just make sure to alternate hands so you dont end up looking like Popeye on one side, and Mr Noodle on the other.

Lucky Number - 69
Lucky Colour - Bastard-Amber
Lucky Animal - The Checks notes No... YOUR Worm.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra...

You poor sad misshapen lump of whatever the hell you are.

People expect nothing from you, and are still regularly disappointed.

Still, we know you cant help it. It's just genetics isn't it?

On the plus side, even if your parents ever divorced, they would still be related...

Lucky Number - Splunge!

Lucky Colour - Lusty Gallant
Lucky Animal - The Worm, or whatever...

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Scorpio, everything with you has to have a sting in the tail.

Well good news! You are going to win a years supply of condoms!

Which in your case is 4.

Its not all good though. One has a hole in it.

Lucky Number - 42
Lucky Colour - Wenge
Lucky Animal - Ok, this got old quick - The Worm.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Sagittarius, you are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.

Its tough to go through life being you, but we appreciate you for what you are.

Namely, not here.

You do love to wow people with your knowledge of life, the universe and everything, but trust me, if I ever want your advice, I'll give you "the signal".

Namely, me being sectioned under the mental health act.

There is only one way to improve your situation...

Use as many umlauts as possible.

Lucky Number - 3.1415926535 89793238462643383279
Lucky Colour - Black! BLACK! BLAAAAAAACK!!!!
Lucky Animal - NOPE! It didn't! THE WORM!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Drink lots of Capri-Sun and eat lots of corn? You might be a Capricorn.

You think you are the G.O.A.T. but really you are just a weird looking sheep with an eating disorder.

Try eating fewer Speccy keyboards and more fibre, that way that blockage you have had recently might just cure itself and you won't need to use the Mathematics Method.

(If you dont get it, then work it out with a pencil!).

Lucky Number - Ate
Lucky Colour - Phlox
Lucky Animal - Repetition makes things funny. The Worm!

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Aquarius is usually known as The Water Bearer.

What they really mean is you are taking the piss, which is odd because lets be honest, you look like you have been licking piss off of lamp posts.

On the plus side, at least you aren't a Gemini...

Lucky Number - 2
Lucky Colour - Smalt
Lucky Animal - Repetition makes things funny. The Worm!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Its hard being a big fish in a little pond isn't it?

FIIIIIISSSSSHHHHH!!!!!

Some day, that tarpaulin you used to cover your trailer will be found wrapped around your dead body, and people will stop and wonder... Why? Why God, WHY?

WHY FISH???

Lucky Number - $f_{\omega^2+1}(63)$
Lucky Colour - Cattleya
Lucky Animal - Theeeeeee Woooooooooorrrrrrrrrmaaaahhhh!

And that wraps up our Horoscope for 2025, though its likely to be just as accurate(?) every year.

D0k

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