Reader's Letters: ZX Spectrum troubleshooting for grandma

Reader's Letters

For this issue we only got one letter, from an adorable grandma called Dottie.

ZX Spectrum Sucks!
by Dot Matricks

Hi SE Team. My name is Dottie and I'm an 80 year-old grandma. My grandsons nowadays practically live on their computers, so I decided to buy one for meself to see if I could try to connect with them. Which brings me to the point. I'm writing this because I recently bought a "ZX Spectrum" computer at a garage sale. I have little to no money so I need to find creative ways to make ends meet - the fact that this PC required no monitor also helped matters. But quite frankly, this Spectrum thingy SUCKS donkey dick (pardon my french). It doesn't seem to be able to run any useful program, despite having a whopping 48GB of RAM (whatever that means - the seller told me it was a LOT). I googled on my phone and found out your email address - here's hoping you can help me turn this computer into something other than a doorstop.

But first things first, how the fuck do I open TikTok on it? It doesn't even have a mouse for fucks sake! How am I supposed to make this motherfucker go clickety-clack? I'm guessing this hip Sinclair company is also adopting this "Dongle Lyfe" I heard my grandsons talk about, because I don't see any usable ports at all! Can't plug anything in. Well I can, but it doesn't go anywhere. Typing was also a challenge in itself because the keyboard on this bugger is broken, it's like there's no actual keys inside the keys (I'm sure you techies know what I mean), they're all mushy. I tried to type "TikTok" but it printed "RANDOMIZE iktok" instead ?! What the actual fuck? When I pressed ENTER it replied back with "2 Variable not found, 0:1". I'm guessing this is because I have to somehow install TikTok first, can you PLEASE give me some pointers? I also tried to open X (maybe you know of it - it used to be called Twitter before that wanker Leon Tusk bought it), but when I press the "X" key, I get "CLEAR" instead? At least when I press ENTER it says "OK" or somesuch, but doesn't go any further... At this point I'm really baffled - I've used computers in the past, but this is beyond me. The computer looks nice and all (black and small, just the way I like 'em), but it doesn't do jack SHIT. I was able to send ZERO emails with it since I got it - I had to use my phone to send this one.

Also, I can't find how to connect to my home Wi-Fi - maybe this is the source of all the problems above and I'm just being dumb?

Please help an old lady in distress!

Dear Dottie,

Sorry to say but you are way in over your head here. The ZX Spectrum is the most advanced computer ever made and requires a high level of intelligence, which your clearly do not possess.

Go get an Apple Mac and live that "Dongle Lyfe" you heard so much about. Cheers!

v

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