Humor - Jokes.

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║ Jokes.            ║
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One car enthusiast, after three thefts from his car, attaches it to his windshield
glass note: "The radio has already been stolen, there is no gas, the battery
lator too."
The morning comes, there is another note on the glass: “Then the wheels will be the same.”
There's no use."

 * * *

Once upon a time there was a snake Gorynych, in the basement, and he fucked everyone who went there -
to wonder.  Local residents asked 3 heroes to kill the concerned
nogo.  We came to the basement: (we agreed in advance to pull out
hero when the word "OPA" says) (A) Lekh Popovich is the first
jumped into the basement. After 1 minute - "OPA"
 - "So what?" They ask (I)lya and (D)obrynya.
 (A) - “What a bastard, he took off his panties!”
 (D) went down. After 3 minutes "OPAAAH!"
 - "So what?" ask (A) and (I).
 (D) - “I’ve already gotten used to it and almost...”. Well, now Ilya has come down.
After 5 minutes, Ilya Muromets yells - “OPAA, OPAA, OPAPulechki...”

 * * *

There was a hundred-story skyscraper. Suddenly she came out onto the hundredth floor balcony
grandmother - to look at her grandchildren playing in the yard :) She bent down - and
fell out.  Then the grandmother from the 99th floor decided to see what it was
therehappened to the grandmother from the 100th floor - she leaned over - and also
fell out.  The grandmother from the 98th floor decided to see where they fell
grandmothers from the 99th and 100th floors... And she also fell...

Evening came, the sun set, and the grandmothers kept falling and falling...

 * * *

XXI century. Gorbachev died. They decided to honor him for his services to the state.
to be buried in the Mausoleum. No sooner said than done. Buried.
  The next morning they come, and the coffin on Red Square stands 8-[ ] Closed
zero it into place...
  The next day - the same picture. Then we decided to take a look
what's the matter? They pushed the coffin into place - they sat at night and
waiting.
 They look at Lenin and say to Gorbachev:
 -You, my friend, promised everyone apartments by the year 2000 - so here it is
niz@get out of here, this is not a hostel for you!!!

 * * *

An American walks through Moscow, looks at everything around him, gets lost in his eyes,
suddenly FUCK-TARARARAH, fell into the hatch. Our people pulled him out, and he said:
“Oh, this is a very dangerous place, we need to put red flags here-
ki!" And ours told him: “You crossed the red flags back to Sheremetyevo.”

 * * *

 - Hello, where do you work?
    - Nowhere...
    - What are you doing?
    - Nothing...
    - Got a great job!
    - Yes, only competitorsgot it :(

 * * *

 Americans come to our school and ask: “Are you with
At what age do you teach children to work on computers?" Our replies -
yut: "Since first grade!"  Americans: "Wow!! Can you look-
"They bring the Americans to first grade. There are four
re computer. The teacher says: “Petrov, take one computer.”
rub and place it on the windowsill. Children, how many computers are left?
moose?

 * * *

 Student's diary:
         Monday - I want to eat.
         Tuesday - I want to eat.
         Wednesday - I want to eat.
         Thursday - I really want to eat.
         Friday - I'm dying.
         Saturday-stepha.
         Sunday - I don’t remember anything.
         Monday - I want to eat.

 * * *

A student is walking down the street and kicking a bun. Another one comes up and says
rith:
 “Shame on you, because bread is our property.” In response to him:
 "Shh... let's go around the corner and eat there"

 * * *

A grandmother is sitting on the bus, and a student is standing next to her:
 Grandmother (b) - You’re such a skinny young man, probably an excellent student?
 Student (c) - No, grandma, I’m good.
 (b) - Give me a raincoatI’ll hold it, otherwise it’s probably hard!?
 (c) - This is not a cloak, but Petrov, he’s an excellent student.

 * * *

A student is riding on a tram and crying. The grandmother comes up to him and asks -
says: “Why are you crying, poor man?”
 (c) - Yes, I lost some fat.
 (b) - Don’t cry, I’ll give you my ticket.
 (c) - Inappropriately, breakfast is wrapped in my ball.

 * * *

one Englishman is a gentleman!
two Englishmen - bet!
three Englishmen - parliament!

one Frenchman is a lover.
two Frenchmen - a duel!
three Frenchmen - Revolution!

one Russian is a fool.
two Russians - fight
three Russians - line for vodka

one Jew is a retail outlet.
two Jews - synagogue.
three Jews - ensemble of Russian folk instruments

one Georgian is a cult of personality.
two Georgians - male homosexuality.
three Georgians - it hasn’t happened yet, and God forbid that it happens!

one crest is a redneck
two Ukrainians - partisan detachment
three Ukrainians - a partisan detachment with a traitor

one German is a decent person,
Two Germans are a gang,
Three Germans - World War.

one Kazakh is a fool
two Kazakhs - 2 fools
three Kazakhs - Academy of Sciences of the Kazakh SSR

 * * *

Who goes to visit with what.
Englishman - with self-esteem
Frenchman - with his wife
Jew - with toptukom

Who among the guests returns with what:
Englishman - with self-esteem
Frenchman - with the owner's wife
Jew - with toptukom

Who thinks about what when returning from visiting:
Englishman: “Have I lost my sense of self-worth?”
Frenchman: "We should have taken the owner's daughter..."
Jew: "Where else can I go with this toptukom?"

 * * *

 - Are there any weapons?
      - Eat.
      - Where?
      - Here, this is my mother-in-law...

 * * *

 A man is sitting at home, there is a knock on the door, well, he opens it and looks at death
It's only worth a small one. The man asks: -Who are you?
 - I am death!
Man:
 -Aaaaaaaaa!!!
Death:
 - don’t be afraid - I’ll contact your boss via modem direct :)))

 * * *

The Americans were preparing (w)peony to throw into the only separated
changing Ukraine. In general, they tormented me for three years, the agent already knew the language better -
more than a native inhabitant, in general, they raised a true Ukrainian.
They were thrown out over the territory. He walks, looks around, and then...
be kind to him (d)ed.
 (D) - Are you an American spy?
 (Sh) - What a spy I am, huhsmart Ukrainian lad.
 (Д) - Да какой ты хлопец, ты _нигер губастый_ ;-)

                             * * *

К  (p)усскому приехал (а)меpиканский друг с которым он последний
раз виделся еще в детстве. We drank, well (a) asks (p)
(a) -What are you up to, my friend?
(p) -I graduated from law. fak.
(a) -My fuck?!?!?!?

 * * *

An employee of a motor transport company - a driver - is being buried. U
friends, relatives, and work colleagues gathered at the graves. Farewell
The boss makes a speech:

- Friends! We have gathered on this sad day for all of us to
to see off our dear Ivan Ivanovich on his last journey. This
was a wonderful person! An excellent family man, a loving father of two
Cherey, a caring husband, an understanding friend, a wonderful worker! Yes
and he died like a man - in his sleep. Not like these forty freaks,
the wounded, the dirty - on the bus.

 * * *

The great Jew Moses said that the most important thing is with God.
The great Jew Jesus said that the most important thing is in the heart.
The great Jew Freud said that the most important thing is underpants.
But the great Jew Einstein said that everything is relative....

 * * *

I bought a crestsalt. He left the store and said:
- Something's not enough. They were underweight, you bastards!
After a kilometer:
- No, we still weighed it honestly...
After another kilometer:
- I asked for a pound! How much did they put in there?!

 * * *

 - Last year we gave my mother a chair for her birthday.
What surprise will we give her this year?
 - Now it’s better to supply electricity to it.

 * * *

 The medical examination of the conscripts is underway.
 - Why are you complaining?
 - I'm nearsighted.
 - Nothing. You will be in the first trenches to see better!.. Next-
wow!..

 * * *

 A man is walking through the desert. Meets a poor man.
- Listen, friend, where is the toilet?
- Go straight, straight, on Thursday you’ll turn right...

 * * *

A Caucasian bought himself a Cossack, drove it home, put it in
yard And I decided to go for a ride in the morning! Gets up in the morning there is no Cossack! He's in
melicia............... so they say and so! They found him a car and drove it
home!  Well, I think I’ll definitely go for a ride in the morning! She gets up in the morning and she’s gone!
Again to the police station, so and so! We searched for 3 days and found the devil in the mountains
knows where! We've arrived! Well the man lefta note................ Like
let's ride!  In the morning there are 600 Mercedes in the yard! And a note
“Ride to your health! Just don’t be a disgrace to the nation!”