╔════════════════════════ ═══════════════════ ═══════════════════╗ ║ Anecdotes. ║ ╙─────────────────────────────── ───────────────────────────────╜ Ilyusha is at a crossroads, there is a stone in front of him. Caption: - If you go straight, you will lose your horse, - If you go to the right, you will lose your head, - If you go left, I'll kill you at home. Yours Vasilisa. * * * The Germans are sending two excellent spy trainees to the USSR. Those After some time of work they go to the bar. One orders: - Two martinis. Bartender: - :-) Martini Dry? Ordering: - 8-E Martini zwei!!! * * * Foreigners arrived, and the director outside the door was shouting into the telephone phone: “Ukhta, Ukhta, I can’t hear you, speak up.” - What is he doing? - they ask the secretary. - Talks to Ukhta - How far is she? - Three thousand kilometers - Or maybe it would be easier to call? * * * Near future. Bill Gates has died. Well, what to do, buried him, and on the grave they wrote 'Bill Gates has performed an illegal operation.' Arelav * * *Entrance exam in history at the university. - What is the anniversary this year? - Don't know. - Don’t you read newspapers or listen to the radio? - In our city there are no newspapers or radio. - What city did you come from? - From Mukhosransk. Professor to associate professor (quietly): - Remember, we were just recently discussing where we should go for the summer? * * * Competition for the best political joke in honor of Lenin's anniversary Leya. 3rd prize - 3 years of general regime. 2nd prize - 7 years of strict regime plus five years according to Lenin places. 1st prize - meeting with the hero of the day. * * * Two friends are drinking: - My wife is a whore. - Why? - Imagine, I’m on my way back from vacation, I sent a telegram. I'm coming, and she is with her lover. After a while he thoughtfully adds: - Or maybe not a whore. Maybe I just didn’t receive the telegram... * * * A student comes to see her classmate. It's raining outside. They talked about this and that, and finally he asks her: (he) -What are we going to do? (she) - Let's toss a coin, if it's heads, then we'll do everything that you want, if it's heads, then whatever I want? (he) -Uh-huh... (she) -Well, just leave it for now, and I’ll gobed bed... * * * Two ladies meet. - You know, I'm getting a divorce. - Yes, you just got married! - He treats me like a dog. - ?! - Demands loyalty. * * * A girl is walking, a drug addict, and she is tormented by withdrawal symptoms. He goes and suffers and She doesn’t know what to do anymore - she feels bad. And he sees an old lady sitting, She comes up to her and says: - Help, please... Well, the old lady, take her and help her, took it and gave her the powder. Ra- The beautiful girl grabbed it quickly and sniffed it. And she says to the old lady: - Thank you, what would I do without you? - Without a comet, my dear, without a comet... * * * A drunk man is wandering home. Wandering, wandering suddenly with a sudden Rash your head against the pole. Howled, got angry, sobered up slightly ka, he thinks: “What a bastard, I’ll go home quickly, I’ll grab a saw, I'll fuck off" He runs home and yells to his wife: -Where did you drink? wife is silent - Where did you drink, I ask you? @#$%? wife, timidly like this: - Well, at the neighbor's. - Why did you give it? - Because she drank, that’s why she gave it. * * * They bring a man to a mental hospital. He's wearing a three-piece suit patent leather shoes,Italian tie, but everything is tattered - given The eyes are bulging out of their sockets, saliva is flowing down the chin, through every five seconds shouts out one phrase: “Ambush! Complete ambush- yes!" The head doctor, although he had seen a lot, was also stunned. Ask- says to the orderly: -What kind of stuffed animal is this? - Yes, this is a financier, a victim of denomination. While his wallet is in the clinking bag turned into something he endured when he received change from a coin they gave him paper bills, he was crazy, but he endured it, but when he Peyka was exchanged for rubles... * * * Vasily Ivanovich and Petka are running away from the whites. They run into the barn there is a haystack and a dog skin. Petka climbed into the hay, and Vasily Ivanovich in the skin. The whites enter the barn and see a dog in the manger. They threw the candy to the dog - she ate it. The whites laughed. More They threw the candy, laughed and left. Vasily Ivanovich is filming skin and asks: - Petka, why were they laughing? - Yes, you, Vasily Ivanovich, put the skin back to front... * * * An intellectual reads the inscription on the fence: - X, igrek, and-short... - X, igrek, and-short... - X, igrek, and-short... - I don’t understand anything, some kind of crap. * * * A hungover programmer is walkingforest. Looks like a frog is sitting and says to him in a human voice: - I am an enchanted princess, take me, kiss me and I will turn into beautiful girl, will you marry me (with all the ensuing consequences - consequences). The programmer took it, put it in his pocket and walked on. And the Frog tugs at his jacket: - Hey! You don't understand! I need to be kissed, etc. And he answers her: - You see, I am a programmer. I have no time to mess with girls. And the talking frog is cool! * * * The Great Patriotic War. A Jew and a Russian are in the same trench. They Shoulder-to-shoulder they defend their common Motherland - the USSR. But suddenly wounded the Jew falls to the ground with terrible screams. Sadly bowed over him Russian came in. The Jew, who is suffering in terrible pain, whispers Russian: - Van, pgistgel me, huh? But, my God, I’m suffering like... - Yes, I would shoot, but I ran out of ammunition :( - And you buy it from me! :) * * * The headstock's push rod is clogged. What to do, called a plumber. Came. Let's poke it there with a stick with a rubber nozzle. Not according to can . Here he rolls up his sleeves and puts his hand in the push elbow Pulls it out. DE$$MO!!! He's there again. Pulls out De$$mo again!!! Then he stared in astonishment at the grandmother and said , - ARE YOU SHIT THERE?!? - * * * Two plumbers came to repair an old and young pipeline. Under- They took off the manhole cover, and there was all the demo on top. Well the old one won't last long thinking, he took off his jacket and dived. Pops up for the young, - The key to me - . He took it and dived again. Then he put on his jacket and said, - Learn, young people, otherwise you will lose the keys. * * * Operator's call (O) to programmers (P) A - I have no wiring! P - And they checked the account. Maybe it's red? O - How? My monitor is black and white. P - <8-[ ] * * * Operator's call (O) to programmers (P) A - Norton does not copy my files! P - What are you doing? A - I marked them with INS-key, but they are not copied! P - <8-[ ] * * * Two hunter friends are talking: - Recently I was in Africa and found an effective way to hunt tigers. You need to hunt at night - tigers' eyes shine in the dark - Xia. All that remains is to aim between the eyes and the tiger is on the spot. - And how many of them did you fail? - Not a single one. They, the vile ones, began to walk in pairs, and each one I closed my eyes! * * * - Doctor! I have a chair. Regularly. At 6:00. and for five years - Yes? I congratulate you! Enviable stability of the stomach! - Doctor! But I wake up at seven! * * * Two old women meet. One complains: - They dug up all the potatoes in my garden today! Other: - Maybe these are students? - Not really! The tracks look like human ones!!! * * * On the street. - Get rid of your dog! There are already fleas crawling on me! - Tuzik! Get away from your uncle, he has fleas! * * * Eeyore runs to Pyatak and almost stumbles: - PITACHETK!!!! I'll tell you good news!!! - Did you find my red balloon? - No, pork has risen in price! * * * Georgian school: (T) teacher: (G) Go to the board and draw an isosceles tri- golnik. (U): Did you draw it? Now prove that it is isosceles. (G): I swear to my mother. * * * Once the Chukchi came to the shaman and asked what winter would be like - warm or cold? The shaman thought: - "If I say warm, then theylittle firewood will be prepared. What if it's winter will it be cold? There won't be enough firewood, and they'll blame me. I'd better say that it’s cold: even if the winter is warm, then no one will talk about the mistake won't remember." He said it would be cold. Then he felt ashamed and went to meteorologists. Asks: - What kind of winter will it be? - Cold. - Why? - And look how much firewood the Chukchi prepare! * * * There are queues at the gas station: Zhiguli 06, an old foreign car and a zero 600th Merc, a Jeep Cherokee flies in and stands at the corner behind the jig, from four bullish guys with shaved heads and sharp they are swearing, looking for those who are dissatisfied, the Merc has an electric window rolls down the tinted glass, a hairy hand sticks out, covered in rings and chains and is distributed: - Hey, you're in a UAZ, let's go to the end of the line. * * * A patient enters the dentist's office. Dentist seeing him, joyfully exclaims: - Oh, it's you, sergeant! After all, it was you who fined the day before yesterday me for bad parking? Please sit down in the chair! * * * - Can you imagine, yesterday I bought a luxury car in exchange for my rattling, dilapidated piano. - And what kindis a crazy person making such an exchange? - My neighbor is behind the wall... * * * A young man came to the village to visit his parents: - What are you doing in the city? - asks his mother. - I fly on an airplane. - Be careful, Charlie. Fly slowly and low. * * * Two colleagues were talking in the corridor when she walked past them The new typist is a young and beautiful girl. Looking at her, one said: - Wow, this is a beauty! “Five children,” said another calmly. - Hers?! Can't be! - At your place. * * * An advertising agent tells how he almost lost his job. - It happened in one of the Arab countries. I decided to install a shield with advertising a soft drink, divided into 3 parts. B 1 part I included a photograph of a man in the desert dying from heat. In 2 - the same person drinking my drink. And at 3 -- him, smiling happily. But I forgot only one thing: what Arabs read from right to left. * * * The grandmother is calling on 04 (emergency gas service) (B) - Sons, here’s the thing: I turned on the stove in the morning, andThe gas still doesn't burn! (On the other end) - Granny, did you light a match? (B) - Oh, sons, I forgot. I'll light it up right now...
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