Humor - Jokes.

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║ Anecdotes.            ║
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At the interrogation of a Jew:
 - Were you convicted?
 - No, what are you doing, how can you!
 - Do you have relatives abroad?
 - No, I don’t have any relatives...
 - Were you involved in thefts?
 - What are you talking about! What is not is not...
 - Nationality?
 - Yes, yes...

 * * *

 An elephant escaped from the zoo and climbed into a man’s garden, and he
hangover looks out the window and quickly calls muhtypy:
 - Guys, there’s a giant mouse in my garden with a cabbage tail.
breaks
 - And what does she do with it?
 - I’ll tell you - you won’t believe it...

 * * *

Rainy British autumn, night. There is a knock at the house of the young lord(L).
He opens the door and sees a beautiful young woman (F),
soaked to the skin and shivering from the cold. She goes into the house and sits down
sitting in a chair near the fireplace. After a couple of glasses of whiskey, she swelled
lurking to pick up (L)
(F) - When my husband was alive, he always warmed me with his warmth
      scrap....
(L) - But excuse me. I won’t go look for your husband’s body in such a time.
      weather.

 * * *

There is a knock at the Scotsman's house. The wife opens the door and shouts to her husband.
(F) -Here they came for donations for the construction of a new city-
     native pool.
(M) -Give them three... no, two buckets of water.

 * * *

Once we received a letter from the housing office. One man wrote that every
black, in the house opposite, a beautiful girl is stripping naked, from
the beauty of which you can go crazy. He asked to take action and threaten
was suicidal. A commission was sent about this. Well, that means...
They got to the window this way and that - nothing was visible. So they tell him:
-Man, you can’t see a thing!
-So you climb onto the closet!!
-?!!!!
.....
Well, we consulted, one of the commission climbed onto the closet.
-Well, again nothing is visible!
-So move over!!
-So again you can’t see anything!!! (moving)
-Move over!!!!
-Ah, !%&!%&@#$%&@!!!!!!! (falling from the cabinet)
-And it’s always like this!...

 * * *

 - Vasil Ivanovich, tanks in the garden!
 - Drive them away, Petka, there’s nothing to eat yourself...

 * * *

 - Don't you know that they gave me a phone?
 - How could I know about this?
 - How? Don't you read the telephone directory?

 * * *

The Chukchi won a lot of money in Lotto Million, well, I've seen enough...
some advertising, and decided to start a business. Bought a container in bulk
"Hershey" and went to the desert to trade. He put up a tent and is waiting
clients.  Then a caravan appears around the corner. The Chukchi have enough hundred
kan, a bottle of Hershey and begins to depict in every possible way how healthy it is
pobo - drink Hershey on a hot day. But kapkbah does not pass by
slowing down.  The Chukchi is very surprised. A few days later the punishment
Van goes back. The Chukchi runs out and starts dousing himself in this Hershey's
and depict all the pleasures of heaven, but the caravan moves on again
mo. Suddenly the caravan stops, the caravan driver approaches the Chukchi and
says:
 - Chukchi?
 - Yes 8-|
 - Do you sell Hershey?
 - Yes :-)
 - Well, it’s definitely a mirage :-(

 * * *

The lecturer finished his report in the working group.
- Who will have questions?
- Is your glass empty on the podium?

 * * *

New Year's carnival.
Presenter:
- The first place was taken by the "sucker" mask - 3rd row, 8th place.
From the audience:
- Oh, ... and yazh ne urpab!

 * * *

A woman approaches the barn door and pulls the handle...
Doesn't opendoor.
Men playing cards advise: - Pull harder!
The woman pulls harder. The damn door won't open!!!
The men say: -Even stronger!!!
The woman pulls with all her might, and together with the torn off handle
flies into the ditch...
He gets out and runs to the men screaming: “It’s closed!!!!!!!
The men say: - Of course it’s closed...
The woman yells: “What the hell are you recommending?????
 - We thought you needed a pen!!!

 * * *

 - Sergeant! - the inspecting captain asked sternly. - Why are you
lined up your recruits so that in the first rank you have
Only tall guys go there, and in the second place - small ones?
 “Please, captain,” explains the sergeant, “but in civilian life I
I was selling in a fruit store!

 * * *

The French ambassador was eaten in Africa. Naturally French
a note of protest was sent by the party.
  They apologize: it just so happened, what to do, well, eat it and
you are our...

 * * *

Two friends meet.
- Why are you so sad?
- Yes, my cockroaches declared war on their neighbors...
- So rejoice: they will kill each other.
- Yeah, rejoice... they brought one and a half thousand prisoners yesterday :(

* * *

A drunk orderly (D) is standing on the bedside table. Suddenly the company unexpectedly
Major General (G) enters.
(D): Hello taarish junior lieutenant!
(G): Whaaaat?! Look at the stars on my shoulder straps!
(D) (after looking at it for a long time): Good morning, major! Wow!..
(G): Oh, you bastard! Look at my buttonholes! (Who doesn't know -
Generals have a laurel branch on their buttonholes)
(D): ...Forester?! >:-E Why are you hanging around here? Well, get out of here right now
General nputtu should come here...

 * * *

A town in the wild west. A cowboy comes out of the saloon and approaches
horse, lifts its tail, kisses it, sits in the saddle. (P)visitor from
asks in surprise:
 - Why did you do this?
 - My lips are chapped.
 - So what, does it help?
 - Yes. After that I stop licking them.

 * * *

Cheburashka enters the store and addresses the seller:
- Comrade seller, give me one please. orange.
Seller:
- I'm not a seller, I'm a seller!
Cheburashka:
- ????? Then what am I, a buyer?

 * * *

 A man invited a woman to visit and spent the whole evening preparing dinner for
two by candlelight. So he set the table and began laying out the
burs. Suddenly the fork falls out of my hands,but the man manages to catch it
she is near the floor and places it on the table.
  The doorbell rings. He opens it - a neighbor (C) is standing on the threshold.
  (S): Listen, there was some woman on her way to see you and got stuck in the elevator -
la...

 * * *

 An unlucky trader turns to a friend with a request to teach
promote the buyer. He explains: “Here he comes to you...
The bather asks for oranges, but you don’t have any. You answered him -
eat "No Oranges", right? And you have to say, “There are no oranges, but
There are pears, peaches, bananas." You'll see, he'll buy something." Mu-
Zhik understood, went to trade. A client comes and asks for the toilet -
new paper.
  - There is no toilet paper, but there is carbon paper, sandpaper and candy -
you...

 * * *

Wife to husband:
- Let's buy a Zaporozhets, drive it, see the light...
Husband:
- This one or that one?

 * * *

 The company is hiring programmers. At the interview, each
they ask me a question:
  - How many meters are in four kilometers?
  - 4000.
  - You are not suitable for us. Next! How many meters in four ki-
lometers?
  - [taking out a calculator] 4096.
  - You are not suitable for us. Next! How many meters in four ki-
lometers?
  - [immediately, without hesitation] 4096!
  - Log in viamonth. Next! How many meters in four ki-
lometers?
  - [Rushing to the computer and starting to write something on Acma] Now
we'll find out...
  - Write a statement.