Humor - Jokes.

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║ Anecdotes.            ║
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 - John, what do you think a one-way street means?
eat?
 - This is the kind of street where your car can only be hit by
behind...

 * * *

Roar on the street. A man looks out of the window and sees a bloody
new truck driver.
 - What's happened?
 - Yes, I wanted to drive into the alley.
 - Why such a roar?
 - There wasn’t an alley there.

 * * *

A traffic inspector stops a Georgian driving on the Volga.
 - Your rights?
 - Please.
 - Dear, these are the rights to fly a TU-134 aircraft!
 - Why are you nagging? Whichever ones there were, those are the ones I bought.

 * * *

 - I found a problem with your machine, madam.
 - What is this?
 - Short circuit.
 - So lengthen it!

 * * *

 Grandma is slowing down the taxi, so let's go there with flattery and a goat!
- Taxi driver: Grandma, what are you doing?? with a goat in a taxi?
- Old-age grandmothermisunderstanding: Why, dear, isn’t it possible?
I heard that you carry _chicks_ too.

 * * *

The ensign formed a company and said:
 - Whoever goes to get potatoes - 2 steps forward!
 Two soldiers came out. Prapor:
 - Okay. The rest will go on foot.

 * * *

Two fitters are fixing the wiring, and a granny walks by. Fitter:
 - Grandma, please give me that wire.
She serves. The fitter thanks, turns to his partner and
says:
 - Well, and you said: “Phase, phase!”...

 * * *

 Vovochka and Mashenka are doing an experiment. Vovochka takes a bean bag out of the box
ka, throws it on the table, says:
 - Beetle, crawl!
 The beetle is crawling. Vovochka Mashenka:
 - Write: a beetle is crawling.
 He tears off one of the beetle's legs, throws it on the table, and says:
 - Beetle, crawl!
 The beetle is crawling. Vovochka Mashenka:
 - Write: a beetle is crawling.
  He tears off the second paw and throws it on the table......
   .....
  The process is thus repeated five more times. Tears off
the last one, throws the beetle on the table, says:
 - Beetle, crawl!
   The beetle lies in place. Vovochka Mashenka:
 - Write: the beetle is deaf!

 * * *

Do not snore during the lecture, so as not to wake up your neighbor.

 * * *

Thou shalt not kill the lecturer, for a dog is a man's friend.

 * * *

A man comes home at 3 am!!!!!
He goes to the toilet, the door opens, the light comes on, he closes it,
says. Well, what kind of electrician does your wife bring home??
The next day my wife comes up:
- Came home drunk again???
- No, why did you get that?
- Sober people don’t poop in the refrigerator!

 * * *

The junkie is sitting - he has made a shirt, he wants to shoot. Yes, that's what I thought -
Et: “I’ll be silent and my friends will come and I won’t be able to talk to them.” I thought
- I thought and wrote a note. He bolted, sat there, and suddenly the phone rang.
door. He comes up and reads the note: “Who is there, a question mark.” Because of
doors: “We are the comma, your friends, period.”

 * * *

With a howl, an ambulance flies into the yard, doctors burst into the apartment: -Where
sick? -They buried it three days ago.

 * * *

A nurse takes a body on a gurney to the morgue. The body whines: -Maybe sleep-
went to intensive care. M: -The doctor said to the morgue, that means to the morgue.

 * * *

Doctor,kiss me. D: -We doctors, according to medical ethics, order-
It’s forbidden to kiss patients, and I shouldn’t have fucked you.

 * * *

Diagnosis: Boil of the right hemisphere. (by God the hospital vi-
affairs)

 * * *

An autopsy showed that death occurred as a result of an autopsy.

 * * *

Commander:
- Soldier, turn off the tank!!!
Soldier:
- Yes, shut down the tank!  A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!!!!!!

 * * *

A girl is walking down the street, looking at the grass of some guy in a spacesuit
mows. Well she told him:
  - Young man, what are you doing?
  - Yes, I’m mowing the grass.
  - Why in a spacesuit?
  - Yes, you see, I like to overcome difficulties.
  - Come on, let’s go and fuck!
  - Well, let's go... Only in a hammock and standing...

 * * *

A cop is walking down the street, he sees a boy sitting in a sandbox, sculpting a
wow. He comes up and asks:
  - What are you doing?
  - Yes, I’m sculpting a cop...
  - And from what?
  - The composition is simple: clay, sand, shit...
 The cop got angry, kicked him, and even gave him instructions
lal:
  -Look at me! Let this never happen again!
 The next day he goes there again. The boy sees pyko again
busy with the matter, asks again:
  - What are you sculpting this time?
  - Firefighter.
  - And from what?
  - Clay, sand...
  - Shit! More shit!
  - You can’t: it’ll turn out to be a cop...

 * * *

 A girl is sitting in the sandbox and chewing something. Ma comes up to her
ma and asks:
 - What are you chewing?
 - I don’t know, mom, it crawled by itself.

 * * *

The drunk man wants to get to the hotel. He gets into a taxi. On the way
the driver notices that the passenger begins to undress.
 - What attacked you? - he asks, beside himself with anger.
 - You’re not at the hotel yet...
 - W-what? - The client asks stuttering. - But you couldn’t say
this before? I just took my shoes off in front of the door! :-[ ]

 * * *

 -Why does beer leave the body faster than milk?
 -He doesn’t need to change color!
 - Why does Swedish beer leave the body faster than Finnish beer?
 - And he doesn’t even need to change his taste! :)

 * * *

Radio announcement:
"Attention drivers of 600 Mercedes. Zaporozhets was found in Ni-
Koloyamskaya street,on Leninsky Prospekt near the department store
Moscow, on Kutuzovsky Prospekt in the area of the Triumphal Arch and
one is parked near the Smolenskaya metro station. BOYS! STAY ALERT-
BODIES!"

 * * *

 A cop slows down the car:
 - What are you bringing?
 - Cement!
 - What kind of cement? It's me - the cop!
 - No, it’s a cement truck!
 - Ah... oneprpyna - drive by

 * * *

 Raspberries... Some sniff gasoline in a bag, some are on the needle, some are on the track
sucks, whoever scores a joint... and in the corner sits a guy with a tonpom in
head  The cops burst in and tied everyone up for questioning. First
they ask:
 - Did you kill a man?
He freaked out:
 - Nooooo, not yeaaaaay...
Other:
 - You, bitch, have decided on a man?
 - Heeeeeeee...
Third:
 - Did you kill a man?
 - Yes, Iago didn’t kill anyone, he came already killed...

 * * *

On the tram.  One asks: “Are you going?”  The other one answered him:
Yes: “No thanks, I went home.” He again: “What’s in your head?
there is nothing?" Another: "You wash your hair more often and you have nothing
will"

 * * *

 A man reads a newspaper and sees an obituary about himself in it.
Upset, he calls a friend:
  - This isGod knows what! Have you read the obituary?
  - Read. And where are you calling from, exactly?

 * * *

Two elves are riding in a tank, one to the other:
1 - Orcs are coming!!!
2 - Where did you get the idea?
1 - Don’t you see that the armor is glowing...

 * * *

A policeman is walking through the park. He hears groans from the bushes: “Ah!!! A-ah-ah!”
Oh-oh-oh!!!"
“For love?” the policeman asks sternly.
“For love,” answers a male voice.
“I’m not asking you!” the policeman interrupts.
-And there’s no one else here, just one......

 * * *

Call:
- Hello, Microsoft is bothering you.
- Microsoft doesn't bother us. - said at the other end of the pro-
water and hung up.

 * * *

 Patient:
- Well, doctor, my tooth hurts so much that I want to climb onto the ceiling.
 Doctor:
-Are you sure that it won’t hurt on the ceiling?

 * * *

A man is sitting with a banana in his ear. Another approaches him:
  - You have a banana in your ear.
  - What?
  - I say, you have a banana in your ear.
  - What?
  - Yes, THERE IS A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!!
  - Speak louder, I have a banana in my ear...

* * *

There are two bricks on the roof, [Old] and [M]young.
[M] - what would be so good to do?
[C] - And there’s a [C]dresser of drawers downstairs. Shall we jump?
[M] - come on!
They are flying. Suddenly [M] began to brake as hard as he could.
[S] - What are you doing?
[M] - yes, he’s wearing a helmet! :( )
[C] - Eh, youth! ... Hey, DRESSER!!!!!
[K] raising his face up - Huh?  8-O

 * * *

 Two submarines float up nearby, Russian and American
Kanskaya.
     The American captain tells his friends that the Russians are fine
don’t say that, otherwise they’ll just say “Fifth compartment, go-
Come on! Torpedo attack!!" Then he goes out on deck and shouts:
     - Hello, Russian!!
     Russian captain:
     - What?! X#$painted? The fifth compartment is ready! Torpedo attack
ka!!

 * * *

 "There's a chocolate bar on top and a coconut inside. It was very tasty, and the-
let's have diarrhea..."

 * * *

A man comes into the hospital room and says:
- Who took the tests on such and such a date?
“I did,” the patient answers.
- How tall are you?
- Meter sixty-five
The man turns and leaves. The patient follows:
- Doctor, what about my tests?
- I'm not a doctor. I'm a carpenter.

* * *

At Anichkov Bridge a man relieves himself. The cop comes up.
- Why are you crazy? Let's go to the department!
- The working class is being insulted again... Like the bourgeoisie, is this possible?
- What bourgeois?
“Yes, there’s a sign,” said Baron von Klodt. So the baron can-
but?...

 * * *

The middle brother is suing his elder and younger:
- So why are you not satisfied with your younger brother?
- He got ten dogs and they stink terribly
- And the youngest?
- And he has ten cats and they fight with dogs and they also stink -
no!
- So open the window!
- What if my pigeons fly away?

 * * *

 A hare is walking through the forest, he sees a lion sitting and roaring. Well hare quickly
fall like crazy.  And the lion shouts to him, they say, help me, I’m in a trap here
hit. The hare stops, approaches the lion, carefully like this:
     - So, did you hit it hard?
     - Yes, I can’t move. Bunny, pull it out, whatever you want for
I'll do you.
     The hare thought, smacking the lion in the face:
     - What’s here, the yellow cat is lying down, can’t you see me here?
need to go through.
     He turned and walked away. Then he stopped, came back and again -
a lion's boar in the face.
     He left again. No, it didn't seem like much. Comes back, bang, a drop-
channel is empty. Then suddenly someone puts a paw on my shoulder. the hare turns around
there is a lioncosts.
     - Hmm...
     - Leva, believe me, I came to apologize...

 * * *

 The passenger contacts the lost and found office:
     - I forgot my briefcase with five bottles of vodka on the train. It's not
did they bring it?
     - No. But they brought a passenger who found him.

 * * *

 "The body, thrust into the water, bulges free, with force
that water of the body pressed there."

 * * *

 A general with pro-
Faithfully, everyone was ordered to say that there was plenty of everything.
     The general arrives, lined everyone up, and asks:
     - How are you with food? Enough?
     - It’s enough, there’s even some left over.
     - Where do you put the leftovers?
     - We’re finishing our food, it’s not even enough yet.
     - What about women?
     - Everything is fine, we have a camel, we use it.
     - Take him here.
     They brought a camel, and the general to show unity with the soldiers
dates fucked him. Buttoning up his fly he asks:
     - Who's next?
     Voice out of order:
     - Yes, we don’t use it that way, Comrade General, we use it
We go to the neighboring village.

 * * *

 Hackedthe guys hut, stepped over the hefty dog in
the hallway, he doesn’t even follow the ear. We packed our things and headed out.
Suddenly:
     - STOP! HANDS UP! I WILL SHOOT!!!
     Everyone has given up, looking around... - a parrot in a cage. They told him:
     - So you are a speaker, but do you know other words?
     Parrot:
     - Yeah, FAS!!!

 * * *

 A passer-by, seeing the funeral procession, joins the
mu coffin to the man, takes off his hat and asks:
     P: - Who are we burying?
     M: - MOTHER-IN-LAW...
     P: - Why are you carrying the coffin sideways?
     M: - And when we turn him over on his back, he starts snoring.

 * * *

 * * *

- Doctor, is it really harmful to sleep on your left side?!
- It depends on whose...

 * * *

- Well, why are you shouting like that? I haven't even touched your tooth yet.
ba.
- How?! Are you still going to touch it?

 * * *

- How tall are you, dear?
- Meter 75, doctor.
- I'm not a doctor, I'm a carpenter.

 * * *

- How old are you, patient?
-It will be forty soon.
- It won't...

 * * *

A girl comes to the police:
- Ten people raped me yesterday!
- Don't worry, we will find them all!
- No, we don’t need all of them, but only the second and eighth...

 * * *

- Since when did you have the feeling that you are a dog?
- Ever since I was a puppy.

 * * *

2 o'clock in the morning... There's a knock on the door.
-Who's there?
- Open up, we need to talk.
- How many of you are there?
- Two.
- Well, talk to me.

 * * *

 One bachelor asked his friends why he still
not married, answered like this:
     - One evening I went to a restaurant to have dinner and on the stairs -
He accidentally stepped on the train of a woman walking in front.
If only you could see the look of this angry tigress. I, of course,
He immediately began to apologize, but she suddenly cooled down and said indifferently:
"Okay, I'm sorry, I thought it was my husband."

 * * *

 A young lieutenant comes to serve in the regiment and in the hotel
lives across the wall from the old lieutenant colonel. Every day after
service he comeshome and in his anger throws his boots at the wall. Che-
After some time the lieutenant colonel got tired of it and he asked the lieutenant
tehahta don't throw boots.
     He held on for several days, and then he came angry and forgot everything
he took off his left boot and hit the wall. Then he felt ashamed that he had not
he held back and decided not to quit the second one. I ate for myself, sitting on TV
looks when a scream is heard from behind the wall:
     - Lieutenant, don’t languish, throw the second one!!!

 * * *

A drug addict enters Children's World:
- Do you have anything to joke about?
- There is a groovy mouse.
- How does it work?
- You turn it on, it runs around, collects all the mice behind it, then
bridge into the water - a splash, and all the mice follow it.
- Don’t you have a cool policeman?

 * * *

A dog runs through the desert and thinks:
- If in 15 minutes I don’t see a single tree, then oh-oh-
-oh...

 * * *

 A man goes on vacation to a resort and asks his neighbor:
     - You are npucmotpu for my wife, if a man comes to her -
Hammer a nail into the door. And I’ll come, count the carnations and understand everything.
OK?
     A month later he returns, and there is only one nail in the door.
     - Well, he came once, right?
     - Which one? I have already sold two doors for scrap metal. * * *

 A family of punks is arguing over who will bathe the child. For a long time
They say, they agree that she is collecting water, and he is kynaet. wife
She took in some water, and after 5 minutes she heard a scream from the bathtub. Husband comes in
Rinses the child's ear with pliers in water.
     -Are you crazy, you asshole?
     - You’re such a fool, I’ve filled up the boiling water - I can’t put my hand in!

 * * *

 A man, having caught a break after a good drinking session, calls
your friends and drinking buddies:
- Vasya, Vasya, was that lemon jumping on your table yesterday?
- Fuck you, it’s so bad...
- Sing, a Sing, was that lemon jumping on your table yesterday?
-Are you crazy?
- Kohl, Kohl, was that lemon jumping on your table yesterday?
- Oh, so it was you, the bastard tried to put my parrot in tea yesterday -
no?...

 * * *

A military fighter will fly out on a mission.
After takeoff, the commander to the navigator:
K: Did you take the cards?
Sh: Well, three decks!
K: Damn... fly through the Belomor pack again ;(

 * * *

In a train compartment, a passenger from the top bunk spat and fell on the bottom
th. Nizhny shouted and called the police. Ment to top:
- present your documents.
That oneputs a triple into his Komsomol card and hands it over. Troyak re-
goes into the policeman's pocket.
- Do you have any other documents?
The top one puts the chervonets into the driver's license and hands it over. Chervonets follows
for three rubles.
- Do you have a passport?
A quarter is placed in the passport, which is sent after
chervonets. The documents are returned to the owner.
- Well, what is there? - the lower voice speaks.
- What, what! Yes, with such documents you will not only be spat upon,
I had to take a shit!

 * * *

 A girl is walking down the street. There is a Mercedes on the road, in it
Georgians, on the seat next to them are amazing women's boots.
     - Girl, come to me, you will love me - I am your boot
I'll give. The girl struggled with temptation, but... she didn’t overcome it.
     After all, the Georgian gives the girl one boot and says:
     - One hell of a time - one hell of a boot.
     - Okay, let's do it again.
     When it was all over, the Georgian took the boot from the girl and
says:
     - I want - I cry, you want - you cry!

 * * *

One (1) programmer comes to another (2)
(2) Listen, they sent us 10 oranges, I already ate mine 08h

 * * *

 In Africa, a cannibal caught a Russian, an Englishman and a Frenchman.
Led to the abyss andset a condition: whoever utters the word, and
it will sound for more than five minutes - it won’t eat it.
     The Englishman shouted: “Ok-e-e-y!” - three minutes.
     The Frenchman shouted: “Me-ee-eri-i-i!” - four minutes.
     Russian: “I give you vodka!”
     Echo: "Where? Where? Where?" The echo sounded for two hours...

 * * *

 - Grandma! How many kilometers to the neighboring village?
     - I’ve had five all my life. And then the specialists came in large numbers,
they measured and measured seven. That's because of them there are two extra
we walk kilometers..

 * * *

 Kolobok leaves the bathhouse: “Wow, damn! I forgot my head again.”
wash!"

 * * *

 Two young doctors are sitting in the park, relaxing. Walking along the alley
a man with a strange gait: his legs are bent, his hands are squeezed between
knees.
     “A man is suffering,” says the doctor, who completed two years of
ass honey  institute  - I can imagine what kind of pain he’s in, because it’s
clear signs of cerebral palsy.
     - No, what are you talking about! He has obvious signs of polyarthritis. I'm on
I specialize in this disease,” said the doctor, three years ago
graduated from college.
     The man hobbled towards them and quickly said:
     - Guys! Where is the toilet?!

 * * *

 Once a man had terrible diarrhea. And what is he, poor fellow, only
didn’t: And he visited all the doctors, and the healers and folk healers -
mi - it doesn’t help and that’s all. And someone advised him that,
there is a certain grandfather Makap, he treats whatever you want. A man comes to a
mu, explains the problem and he says:
     - Take off your pants and bend over. After which grandfather Makap takes
red lantern and starts waving it in front of the mu-
Zhika. The man can't stand it and says:
     - So, will this help?
     - It will help, it will help. This also stops the trains...

 * * *

Quarrel in the family.  The wife beats her husband. The unfortunate man hid under the blood
vat. The wife tries to get him with a mop:
- Get out!
-I won’t get out.
-Get out!!
-I won’t get out.
-Get out!!!
-Who's the boss in the house?! I said I won’t get out, so I won’t get out!!!

 * * *

The ensign gives orders:
- Sexual!
- I!
- Wash the floor in the hall!
- How?
- With a rag! :-|
- Which?
- Sexual! 8-[]
- I.....