Humor - Jokes.

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║ Anecdotes.            ║
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Two drunks are walking down the street. One says to another:
 - Do you hear, buddy, are there gay cops?
 -Are you crazy?!
 - Why then do they pester us every evening?..

 * * *

A Little Russian enters the store.
- Stronger?
Seller:
- What?
- Stronger?
- What?!
A Georgian stands next to the counter and says indignantly:
- Sol! Sol! You non-Russian idiot!

 * * *

A man is late for his plane. Runs out of the house, stands at the entrance
taxi. He opens the door, and a Georgian is sitting behind the wheel and reading a newspaper.
The man says:
- To the airport!
- Lunch
- What a lunch, I’m late for the plane, let’s go quickly!
- Lunch
- Yes, you still read the newspaper!
The Georgian picks up the newspaper and points down:
- You see, the girl is having lunch!

 * * *

Two thieves are walking through the fair.
Suddenly one of them, seeing the person they met, quickly took off his hat.
- Is this your friend? - asks a friend - Does he know you?
- I don’t, but he knows this one well.hat....

 * * *

HP is driving along a loose rural road. Takes off from around the corner
"Belarus" (a tractor like that) and crashes into the side of the 600 Merc. From
Merca comes out, freaked out, and approaches the driver (B) of the tractor:
 - Man, you really got into trouble. (fingers are bent to the point of impossibility)
    possibilities :) ), Who are you anyway?
(B) - I’m a local farmer....
(NR) - Who the hell are you, say what you are doing!
 (B) - I breed _Bulls_.
(NR) - There is no market!!! (jumps into the dented Merc and quickly dumps-
         et).

 * * *

A man gets on the bus and asks the granny:
 - Will I get to Koltsovskaya?
 - Yes.
The drug addict stands nearby and says:
 - And me?

 * * *

Pacific Ocean. Our fleet is in exercises. Aircraft carrier. On the bridge there is a hundred
The boatswain comes and looks through binoculars:
    “Captain, there’s a six-oar boat on the starboard side!”
After some time:
    “Captain, there’s a six-oar boat on the left side!”
    Captain:
    - Bosun, damn, how many times can I say, remove the louse from
binoculars!

 * * *

The CIA is preparing a super-spy to be sent to Russia. Learn the language
(Ryazan dialect! =;-), history, culture,habits and particularities
behavior, in a word, simply the original Russian from him
do. They think it will just be such a spy! They will never reveal it.
And now, 10 years of training have passed, it’s time. They throw him into the forest,
logreike, kipzakh, unshaven and hungover, in a word, purely old
Russian tractor driver for example. He walks along a forest road, towards
grandma.
 - Granny! Where is the nearest village? I got lost and I'm drunk =:-(
 - What are you, my dear, a spy or something?
 - Well, you, old hag, why are you talking such nonsense?
 - After all, we haven’t had blacks in our forests since time immemorial!

 * * *

 - Why did you paint one side of your car green
   color, and the other red?
 - If, God forbid, I run over a person, testimony of witnesses
   will not match.

 * * *

A man is standing on the side of the road, catching a car. 600 merc stops,
out of it crawls out a huge, short-haired fellow, covered in fingers, naked
de and cell phones, New Russian, in a word. Slowly walks around the wagon
pyr Mercedes, carefully examines it, looks under the bottom, at
roof, etc. etc. Then he grabs the guy and smacks him in the face
on the hood, with the words: “Well, where are you, you fucking bitch, there are checkers
did you see?!"

 * * *

Company duty officer, orderly chock:
  - The general didn’t come?
  - No.
  - If he comes, let me know urgently.
And so on several times.
A general enters the company.
Orderly:
  - Are you a general?
  - Well, I am.
  - Where the hell are you going? The sergeant has been looking for you for two hours already!

 * * *

The USSR supplied Vietnam with a new model of fighter-
la. The tests were successful and these aircraft were launched against
American  A Vietnamese man is flying on this plane and suddenly screams
radio:
(B) - There’s an American on the starboard side, what should I do?
(B)aza - Press such and such a button (for example, green) ...
A missile flies out from under the wing of the plane, hitting the enemy fighter.
ha. ...after a while again the heart-rending scream of the Vietnamese...
(Q) - There is an American plane on the left side, what should I do?
(B) - Press another button (let's say yellow)...
A rocket explodes from under the wing and the enemy fighter explodes.
(B) - There are a lot of fighters around...MOM! What to do?
(B) - Press the RED button...
The Vietnamese presses the red button and the door opens behind him
hatch, a Russian appears and says:
(R) - Come on, yellow one, get out of here!

 * * *

In general, this is the case. The metal worker (M) fell ill. Temperature below
40 gr. Lies, groans, gasps. Grandma (B) comes up to him andsays:
B: - Granddaughter, maybe I can shake you with a chain?
M: - No, no, my head is cracking...
B: - Granddaughter, maybe I can cut some metal for you?
M: - Yes, your grandma’s head is splitting.
    At least turn on Kirkorov, maybe vomit@well.....

 * * *

Standard situation: a car enters 6OO at full speed
truck at the intersection. Well (NR) comes out on the fingers, comes out and (V)o-
truck dila...
NR - What are you doing, man!?!? You got the money!!! /... and so on/
Q - Well, okay, well, I’m guilty - I understand... how much do I owe you?
HP - one... no... so be it, one and a half tons of bucks!!!
B - Well, okay... one and a half, then one and a half... Let's go..
brings HP to the back door .. swings it open .. throws it back
he drops some kind of oily rag... sticks his hand in there - you-
drags a pack of green ones - hands it out without counting HP...
B - Take this, there seems to be one and a half...
NR - Zh8-[ ] M-man, who are you?!?!
Q - Me? ... I am a new Russian... And who are you?
NR - /wrangling a pack in his hands/ 8-/ BUT THE HELL KNOWS...

 * * *

Physics lesson.  The teacher concentratedly brings two
exposed wires. From class:
- Aren’t you fucking?
- It shouldn’t...What?! Who said?

 * * *

Commander to the soldiers:
- Yes!  Dig here, here and here! In the meantime, I'll go and find out where
need...

 * * *

A man comes out of a bar, completely drunk, walking like a compass (one
the leg stands still, and the other walks around it). Well, he barely...
-he barely catches a taxi and gets into it.
(Sh)offer -Where are we going?
(M)zhik -None of your business!
Sh - I see.
They are driving along Tverskaya and notice a girl voting.
Sh - Shall we take it?
M - Let's take it! - and falls asleep.
These two cupcakes - Sh and M sit in front, and the girl sits behind. EU-
Naturally, the legs grow from the ears, and besides, she has them very wide
arranges, of course she has a very short skirt and no
underwear Sh very quickly cuts through the chip, adjusts the grain
kalo and starts looking you know where, and M is sleeping.
Sh-M, well, look, well, look!!!
M - Leave me alone, I'm sleeping!!!
Sh - Well, look!!!!
M just sleepily tosses and turns.  Finally Sh manages to push M.M away
looks in the mirror.... Then he instantly sobers up and yells -GOSPO-
DI!!! WHAT HAVE I TURNED INTO???

 * * *

A (M) guy comes to a (P) psychiatrist for an examination. (P) shows
him the image of a triangle.
(P) - What is shown here?
(M) - Sexual intercourse. Man on top, woman below.
(P) shows a square.
(M) - Sexual intercourse is depicted here. Woman on top, man below.
(P)shows a circle.
(M) - Doctor, are you sexually anxious?