Humor - Jokes.

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║ Anecdotes.            ║
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Airport ticket office, Passenger - Kaccupy:
(P) Please, give me two tickets' to Dublin
(K) Where the hell?
(P) No, TO DUBLIN!!

 * * *

Two friends: 1 and 2
1-we got a new apartment, now I have my own room.
2-well, how did you arrange it?
1-just like my office. Otherwise I can’t sleep.

 * * *

- Defendant, did the robbery happen as the prosecutor described?
- No, but his plan isn’t bad either.

 * * *

- Now tell me why you shot at your comrade
  hunting?
- I thought it was a moose, Mr. Judge.
- And when did you realize that you were mistaken?
- When the elk began to shoot back.

 * * *

 The doorbell of a Moscow apartment rings. The owner opens
 - an Uzbek is standing on the threshold.
I'm sorry, Petrof - will you be there? - the Uzbek asks the owner.
 “Yes,” the owner answers. - I'm Petrov.
 - Is it hot in Almaty in the summer?
 - Well, it was.
 -A little boy was drowning in a ditch, did you save him?
 - Exactly! - the owner smiled. - I saved a boy in the summer. Exactly!
 - WHAT IS THE SKULL CAP, HUH?!

 * * *

 Early in the morning, Gorbachev went out onto the balcony to smoke.
 - Misha, are you smoking in your underpants again? - he heard the voice of Raisa Mak-
simovny.
 - Yes, but how do you know?
 - The Voice of America just broadcast.

 * * *

The chief of police in Chukotka found out that one of the reindeer herders
accumulated 10 kg of gold. I went to see him in the wilderness. Comes to the yurt and
asks:
 - Well, where are you hiding the gold? Post everything quickly!
 - Don't understand, boss! Then the cop sent for an interpreter to the neighbor.
new village.  When he showed up a week later, the cop was with him
again comes to the rich Chukchi.
 - You translate to him that if he doesn’t tell me where he keeps the gold, I will
I’ll finish him off right here and lower the corpse into the hole! - says the cop
to the translator and for the sake of warning, he takes out the Makarov from his holster. Excited
The new Chukchi, seeing this, asks:
 - Did Chito tell the boss?
 - She said that if you don’t tell me where the gold is, he’ll kill you -
cheat!
 - I’ll tell you everything! Five kilograms for a sled, five kilograms for a yurt!
The cop, hearing the conversation, impatiently asks the translator:
 - Well, why is this narrow-eyed babble babbling?
 - He says, shoot the hell out, you nit!

 * * *

 A sewer man came to a friend and complained. Like, I met the de-
my granddaughter, and she says that he smells bad, what should I do?
A friend advises him:
 - Take pine extract, get into the bath and generously spray yourself -
ointment. He did just that. He comes again and asks:
 - How now? Smell it.
 - You know, it's better. But it seems as if someone is under the tree
shit.

 * * *

 The worker, leaving the mausoleum, became emotional:
 - Lenin,...his mother, is alive!
 “Where are you?” the policeman asks him sternly.
 - And what?  I say: Ilyich is our dear,...his mother, le-
alive, well, just like alive!
 “Where are you?” the policeman barks.
 - What am I doing? I just say: Lenin is ours...
 - Yes x... with him, with Lenin, I ask: where are you?!

 * * *

 The husband caught his wife with her lover, he rages:
“If I weren’t a party member, I would have broken all your ribs!”
  The lover does not yield:
- If I weren't a party member, I would throw you out of the window!
  The wife raises her eyes to the sky:
- Glory to the CPSU! Glory to the CPSU!

 * * *

 The man got drunk, brought the woman home and, as usual, fucked her.
  In the morning shewakes up, the man next to him looks and the bed is all covered in
blood, grabbed her things and ran away.
  The man woke up, looked near the bed, there was a condom lying on his
knowledgeable He looked at him for a long time and then said
  - There must be a girl here...
He looks at the bed, and it’s covered in blood. The man scratched his turnip and...
steals
  - I probably killed her...
He stood up, went to the mirror, looked at himself
  - And ate...

 * * *

New Russian (NR) enters the restaurant, and there is a cage hanging from the ceiling
with a rare breed of parrot. HP calls the waiter (O) and asks
cook him this game with sauce.
(O) -Sorry, but this bird is very rare, it is listed in the Red
    book and costs THREE THOUSAND BUCKS!
(NR) -...I'M CRYING!!!
(O) I took the cage with the parrot and went to the kitchen. After a while
time returns carrying an unfortunate bird on a tray.
(NR) -Please cut me FIVE BUCKS!

 * * *

Two pilots wake up
1-Vasya, coordinates!!!
2. Raises his head: There are bars on the windows, white ceilings, clean rooms
  teli... - Vanya, I think we’re in the sobering-up station??
1-I already understood this, but what city are we in??? :))

 * * *

Firing at the Navy. Volley. The rangefinder shouts:
- 200 meters short!
  Captain:
-Little go ahead! Swim 200 meters!

 * * *

 Watson decided to stop Sherlock Holmes from smoking. “Okay,” I’ll think
Watson was small when Holmes left the room, and, taking his beloved
pipe, picked it in my ass. After some time
Holmes returned and smoked his pipe with pleasure. Next-
This day Watson again tinkered with Holmes's favorite pipe in his
holes and again the same result... A year has passed... Sherlock Holmes
He never stopped smoking, but Watson could no longer live without a pipe.

 * * *

 An old woman runs up to the chairman of the collective farm:
 - Pakhomych, hurry up! Those damn tenants' cows got in there
to our field and eat our clover!
 - Quiet Dunya, don’t panic, - You shouldn’t panic, don’t scream, but
milk, milk, milk them, dear ones.

 * * *

A child was born to a cop. Smart, just a genius. In mathematics sha-
rit in physics. The government didn’t like it and decided to cut it off
the right hemisphere of the brain was cut off. Well, I started writing music, poetry and
etc.  etc. Again the government didn’t like it and decided to otpe-
zat.  They cut him off, he’s waking up after the operation, and the first thing he said was
wear:
 - Present your documents.

* * *

Two HPs are sitting in a tavern.
1-How many bodyguards do you have?
2-Well, about 11...
1-And I have 11! Let's play football.

 * * *

 Somehow the Chinese attacked Russia. We've crossed the border, there's no one there,
it’s all dark, they walk through tepetopuu Russia for 1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours alone
It’s dark, there’s no road, there’s no streetlight, there’s nothing. They go to some village,
There is no light or people in the village. In the center of the village the pub is glowing,
They walk around, and there are several men sitting there drinking beer.
Chinese:
 -Give up, you're surrounded!!
Guys:
 - Are there many of you?
Chinese:
 - 50 million
The men grabbed their heads and said:
 - Where should we bury so many of you?

 * * *

Once upon a time the following incident happened:
The plane and the passengers are all preparing for the flight. The sign "Pris-
tighten your seat belts" and (S)tuardesa walks around and checks each passenger's
whether the seat belt is fastened or not, and sees that one (P) passenger is not
buckled up
(C) - passenger npucterhutecb
(P) - I don’t want and won’t
(S) tried to persuade, a girl (S) came to persuade, but (P) didn’t
which one, then (S) goes to the crew and say that one (P) wants none
fasten your seat belt. The 2nd pilot goes to (P) and tries to persuade him. (P) neither in
whatever you want to fasten, then the pilot says:
Dear (P), imagine this situation...The plane is heading towards
take off, his speed is 200 and your speed is 200, then suddenly...
years interrupts takeoff and slows down. The plane has speed 0, and you
speed is 200 and you jump out of your seat and fly forward,
you break through one partition, fly the second through the first cabin
again you break through the partition one, two, three and fall on me
helm And now the question is: Why do I need you there???
 P.S. (P) never unfastened until the end of the flight. (It’s true, it’s
it was.)

 * * *

A ship returning from a long voyage enters the port.
A lieutenant, a midshipman and a boatswain are standing on the deck.
- Mine is on ears now,
- the lieutenant squints sweetly.
- I put on my best dress, there is champagne in the refrigerator, on
my favorite record on the player...
“It’s easier for me,” the midshipman stretches.
- I’m ringing now - the door is wide open! Mine is on the threshold, in one hand
a glass of vodka, a cucumber in another, and a hem in your teeth...
“Eh, guys, your life is boring,” the boatswain sighs sympathetically.
- It’s the same for me!  I ring the doorbell once, wait a little - a second time and
rushing headlong to the back door: and there has never been a case where anyone
May I not break my ribs!

 * * *

...A pessimist is walking down the street, and behind him are two optimists... in plain clothes.

* * *

A man (M) comes to the store, approaches the salesman (P) and pokes him
chainsaw:
(M) - I bought a chainsaw from you yesterday, the instructions say that
in 1 hour You can cut down 50 trees with it, but I only have time to cut down 5?
(P) - Let's check.
(M) - Dovayte.
(P) starts the chainsaw.
(M) - Why did she buzz?!?!

 * * *

 - Neighbor, what are you doing to my cellar?
 - I'm looking for you...
 - Why did you eat the lard?
 - So that it doesn’t get in the way under your feet!