Humor - Jokes.

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║ Anecdotes.            ║
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Doorbell:
 - Neighbor, will you take part in group sex?
 - Who else is coming?
 - Me, you and your wife.
 - Well, no, I don’t want that.
 - Okay, then we'll cross you out...

 * * *

Vovochka comes to the doctor and asks:
 - Uncle Doctor, can a seven-year-old girl get pregnant?
 - No.
 - Blackmailer!

 * * *

 - Is it true that you were robbed yesterday?
 - Alas, yes. They took away my watch and wallet.
 - I thought you said that you always carry a pistol with you -
years
 - That's true, but fortunately they didn't find him.

 * * *

A robber on the street addresses a well-dressed woman:
 - Money, madam! Come live! Think what will happen if the jet
This water gun will wash away the makeup on your face.

 * * *

 - Vasily Ivanovich, what are you dreaming of?
 - About a woman.
 - So go to Anka.
 - Yes, I already was.

 * * *

 - Comrade master, I’m already paying for the repair of this television for the second time.
zora, but it still doesn’t work. It seems to me that you have killed him
mali...
 - What are you talking about? I didn't even touch him...

 * * *

A man returns from work. Drunk towards me:
 - Decide, I’ll pass between you...
 - C-c-c-walk, s-only one at a time...

 * * *

Name of canned food: "Tourist's last breakfast."

 * * *

 - Excuse me, where can I wash my hands?
 - I don’t know, everyone comes here to eat.

 * * *

Petka decided to go to university. Chapaev examines him:
 - How much, Petka, will it be twice two?
 -...Something around six?
 - Yes, something like that - six... seven... No more!

 * * *

 - Petka, how did you fail the exam?
 - They asked us to expand the quadratic trinomial. It's not that I'm upset
live, and I can’t imagine this.

 * * *

At a funeralBrezhnev.  Rabinovich: “I wonder how many can
is such a funeral worth it?
 - One hundred thousand...
 - And why so much for one? I would bury everything for that kind of money
Politburo!

 * * *

A policeman pulls Rabinovich out of the crowd of spectators at a funeral
Brezhnev:
 - Citizen, your pass?!
 - What is it? Maybe I have a subscription!

 * * *

Vasily Ivanovich built a division and asks:
 - Tell me, do birds need money?
 “No, Vasily Ivanovich, we don’t need it,” the soldiers answer.
 - So, eagles, I drank your salary.

 * * *

Petka runs in and shouts joyfully:
 - Vasily Ivanovich, I just cut a bun in half!
 - What kind of bun?
 - Yes, I’m going - I watch the bun roll. Well, I slashed at him with my saber.
 - You’re a blockhead, Petka, it was Kotovsky who dug the trench.

 * * *

Rabinovich calls on the phone:
 - Hello, is this the base?
 - Yes, this is the base.
 - Who is the director?
 - Ivanov.
 - Hello... is this a military base?

 * * *

 A huge big guy with a baseball bat and talking
rit to the receiver:
 - To mea loaf of white, and half a loaf of black.
 The receiver responded:
 - Fuck you asshole, this is a dry cleaner, not a bakery.
 A big guy with a double spin of this same bat has no use...
the borrower and left.
 The next day he comes in again and says:
 - A loaf of white and half a loaf of black.
 The receptionist is already polite:
 - Brother, you understand, there’s a dry cleaner here...
 Again there follows a brutal blow to the receiver with a bat.
 The next day the receptionist stocked up with fifteen varieties of bread and
waiting.
 This idiot comes in with a bat and says:
 - A kilogram of oranges, please.
 Receiver:
 - ?????????? Yesterday you asked for bread!
 Ambal:
 - And now you can buy bread at the pharmacy. ;-))

 * * *

 - What is the difference between a boy and a man?
 - In the cost of toys.

 * * *

 She left, which means the man’s wife is somewhere. And he needed an iron,
but mine broke. So he went to a neighbor’s to get an iron. Goes and
thinks: “Right now I’ll come to her, ask for an iron, she’ll ask why, but
I will say that my wife has left, and she will say: oh, you are my poor one, oh,
I’ll give you some coffee, then some cognac, some vodka, then she’ll...
Nya, drunk, will seduce her, she will have a child, then I will get a divorce
with my wife, and this bitch neighbor will hang from me for the rest of my life
on the neck with 5 children! ".
 So he goes andthinks. I reached the door. I called. The neighbor is open
wat. Says:
 - Oh, hello!
 Man to her:
 - Fuck you... with your iron!   ;-)

 * * *

 A Jew comes to a grocery store and sees the inscription: Sour cream
Not sold to Jews! Well, he, indignant, begins to shout:
 - what do you allow yourself, what a disgrace!!!!!!
the saleswoman to him:
 - all questions to the director.
He runs to the director, sees, and there is the same Jew sitting there! Well
let's shout again: How is it possible? For your own! Why do Jews dare
do you sell tanu?!?!??
Director:
 - Have you tried it???

 * * *

 Somehow a taxi driver was flying in the cockpit of an airplane. Well pilot
found out that he is a taxi driver, and show him some aerobatics
call. The taxi driver doesn't care.
 “Come,” he says, “I’ll give you a taxi ride.”
 Well, the pilot has arrived. We started taking taxis. Taxi driver on gas yes-
Vit, the brakes are holding together, the engine is roaring. They drive on the red light, along the curb
frames, zigzag between the pillars, almost hitting other cars.
Here the taxi driver slows down a little, and the pilot jumps out.
 - Hey, where are you going, I haven’t shown you the loop yet.

 * * *

 Edits HP1, looks in the ditch 600 burns out and HP2 on the tree sunbatheset. HP1 stopped and asked HP2 how HP2 managed to do it -
I’m not touching anyone while I’m driving, I see the Cossack is overtaking. I thought that
I’m standing there and went out to smoke

 * * *

My husband comes home after work. There is a note on the table:
"I'm at a friend's place. Fish for dinner. Fishing rod in the hallway."

 * * *

 The programmer (P) brought a girl (D) to his home. We sat and
chatted, the programmer can’t wait to go to bed. He thinks
“I’ll show her what the latest version of Windows is,
she’ll say, “Wow, what a Windows you have!”, and I’ll say, “Fuck it,
Let's better have sex."" Showed that she has zero emotions.
 P thinks again: “So... Well, okay, now I’ll show her what kind of
the modem is cool, for 33600, she will say “Wow, what a modem you have all
cool!”, and I said to her, “Fuck it, let’s go have sex!” Bye-
hall, same reaction.
 The programmer thinks: “Damn, what else can I show her? Oh, I'll come-
small, I’ll show her what kind of laptop I have, all white, she said,
says, “Wow, what a laptop you have, all white!”, and I told her, “Come on!
him, let's go have sex!" Showed it.
(D): Listen, maybe, well, well, let’s go have sex!
(P): What a fuck, look how my laptop is all white
lyy!

 * * *Fidoshnik writes an announcement in the conf:
 - Girls, marry me! The country needs hackers
A flame appears:
 - Girls, don’t trust him, he will break you, hack you and post you on
BBS with a public access password, and then it will give up altogether.
 - It’s all nothing ;)... He will also infect you with the virus...

 * * *

A programmer comes home in the evening covered in blood and without a hand. :-(
The wife asks: - what happened dear???
programmer: - Yes, it got sucked into the cooler.

 * * *

Two programmers are talking.
 - How does a programmer differ from an ordinary mortal?
 - And the fact that he is able to answer a question that has already been decided
Lucky answer.
 - How is that?
 - Well, for example, answer the question: how much is 2x2=4?
 - Naturally - TRUE!

 * * *

 - Hello, did you call a plumber?
 - Yes!
 - So, take off your clothes and show me where you have everything.

 * * *

New Year's party at school. The military leader dressed up as Santa Claus.
 - Hello, children!
 - (discordantly) Hello, Grandfather Frost!
 - Yes, unclear, again!..

 * * *A man (M) wakes up at home after drinking.
Calls friends - (1), (2), (3).

(M) Hey, I was with you yesterday?
(1) Was. We drank and you went to (2).
(M) Didn’t I see a lemon on your legs?
(1) Not... :-[ ]

(M) calls (2).

(M) Hey, I was with you yesterday?
(2) He was a little tipsy, we drank some more and you went to (3)
(M) Didn’t I see a lemon on your legs?
(1) Not... :-[ ]

(M) ringing (3)

(M) Hey, I was with you yesterday?
(3) Was, having drunk well, we drank some more, and then you, drunk in
    damn, my wife took it.
(M) Didn’t I see a lemon on your legs?
(3) So this is the bitch who crushed my canary and made it into tea
    quit! :-E~

 * * *

Vasily Ivanovich (VI) and (P)etka are sitting in class
(Teacher) says:
 - Now we will write a dictation, write it down,
   "There's a mouse scratching in the corner."
           ^^^^^^^
VI asks P:
 - (VI) Petka, start a sentence with a capital letter....
 - (P) Yes!
 - (U) Stop talking!
 - (VI) Petka, and the word mouse with a soft sign...
 - (P) Yes!
 - (U) Stop it, I’ll kick you out now!
 - (VI) Petka, sorry, one more question, - WHO
   SUCH TFR?????
 - Ж8-0~~~~