Humor - Jokes.

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║ Anecdotes.            ║
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Two fairly tipsy men are communicating. One complains to the other
because when he drinks, his wife won’t let him home. Second:
 - And you do as I do. As soon as the door opens, I throw it at her -
   I put my jacket on my head. While she doesn't see the state I'm in,
   I manage to get through.
 - Not a bad idea, I'll try it.
Two more bottles later went home. The one who decided to pop
to try, comes to the door. I knocked. The door opened. Fast
takes off his jacket and throws it away. But it doesn't hit. Without thinking twice he takes it off
shirt and throws it at the door. Missed it again.
 - Crap!!!
There was nothing to do, he took off his pants and threw them at the door..... The door was closed.
Yes, the trolleybus left.

 * * *

A girl is sleeping and she has a dream that a man is chasing her through the forest,
and she runs away from him. Relatively tired, she stops,
waits a bit and asks:
 - Man, leave me alone! What do you want from me???
To which the answer is:
 - How do I know what I need from you? - this is your dream, you and
figure it out!"

 * * *

A woman comes to file for divorce. She is asked:
 - Why exactly?
 - My husband is a bawdy man, he knows a lot of vulgar songs.
 - Is he singing them?
 - No, he whistles.

 * * *

 The conductor gives instructions before the tour:
   - We're flying to England, buying wool. Then we fly to Japan, just...
     we weave wool, buy equipment, return home,
     We build equipment, we have money. Any questions?
   - Should I take the tools with me?

 * * *

 - A glass of water, please.
   - With or without syrup?
   - No syrup.
   - And without lemon or without orange?

 * * *

Armenian radio asks:
       - Who first began to invite scientists to Ogonyok?
       - Inquisitors...

 * * *

Armenian radio asks:
       - What is added to Borodino bread?
       - Flour, probably...

 * * *

 The husband returns home very early, and is clearly not in a good mood. Quickly
 After eating, he climbs into bed and begins to pester his wife.
  “I can’t do it today,” he says softly.wife.
  “Why are you all in agreement today?!?!” - explodes
husband

 * * *

And here's another:
Georgian in a restaurant:
- Mine please give me the list of dishes...
- Uh...do you want a menu?
- Yeah, and you too...

 * * *

A man at the market sells parrots.  Madame comes up and asks:
 - Tell me, how much does that little green one in the corner cost?
 - 500
 - Oh, why so expensive?
 - He speaks English, French, Spanish and
   translates from Russian into German.
 - A-a-a... Well, okay, what about that little blue one?
 - 800
 - Oh, why is it more expensive?
 - He can speak the same languages as the first one, but
   He also writes poetry in Hebrew and sings in Swahili.
 - Yes... Well, what about the bigger one, the red one, in the corner?
 - 1500
 - Wow money! But what languages ​​does he speak then?
 - Actually, he is silent, but these two call him boss...

 * * *

A fisherman sits with a dog by the pond, fishing. Bang - the cow emerges:
 - Man! Let me smoke!
The man is completely stunned and holds out a cigarette.
 - Well, give me some matches!
The man is completely stupefied and gives matches. The cow lights up, gives everything
and dives back.  The man looks at the dog with round eyes. A
dog:
 - What, master,staring? I went nuts myself!

 * * *

A man was sailing on a ship. And this means a shipwreck. Well, wow-
he gives to the island. And there the local natives catch him and say:
 - Do you want to live, man?
 - Yes, I want to.
 - So our mammoth constantly cries, if you make me laugh, then we
   We'll let you go.
 - OK.
Five minutes later the man returns, and the mammoth is laughing there with all his might.
The natives released him. Six months later, the man again, as luck would have it
also ends up on this island. The natives tell him:
 - Just like you left six months ago, the mammoth is still neighing, everyone
   already tortured you, if you make him cry again, then we will
   let's go.
 - Fine.
Five minutes later the man returns, the mammoth is crying bitterly.  Abo-
rigens:
 - Man, we’ll let you go, but just tell me how you did it.
 - What’s wrong with that, the first time he offered to compare eggs, and the second time
   measured once.

 * * *

A man and a woman are tr.... (lying in bed), and then her husband is knocking.
She tells him:
 - Come on, quickly jump from the balcony.
 - Why are you on the thirteenth floor?
 - Jump, jump, come on, there’s no time for superstitions now.

 * * *

A camel is walking through the desert, barely dragging its legs from the heat. Look, past
gazelle runsso frisky, fun. The camel says to him:
 - Listen, buddy, how can you still run in such heat?
   I can barely move my legs.
 - As I run, the breeze blows across me, and I feel cool. You yourself are a pop
   try it!
Well, the camel started running and disappeared behind the dune, and the gazelle followed
ran to him. He runs, runs, and lo and behold: that camel is lying with his tongue hanging out.
He's gone and not breathing anymore. Jeyran:
 - Yeah... Probably frozen.

 * * *

A camel is walking through the desert. Hot. He meets a goitered gazelle.
 - Hello, donkey! Do you know if there is a well nearby?
 - Come with me, I’ll show you.
Well, they walked and walked. They pass over another dune, and sees
There is a camel in the ravine and a herd of goitered gazelles. Jeyran:
 - I don’t know where the well is, but they’ll show you the “donkey” now!...

 * * *

Odessa.  Paid toilet.  A man comes in.  There is no one, only in
a strained groaning can be heard in the far booth... I went into the booth,
did his job, got up, and went out. At the exit, out of habit, it’s successful
he touches the switch with his hand. A cry is heard in the darkness:
 - A-a-a-a!!!
With a trembling hand he turns on the light. An exclamation from the far booth:
 - Ugh... And I thought my eyes were bursting...

 * * *

A man comes to Odessa. Got upin the middle of the street and thought:
 - So, I looked at Liman, took a photo next to Duke,
   I took a walk along the Potemkin stairs... I should have gone to Deriba-
   to visit the owl.
An aborigine walks past, carrying a kavun (i.e. watermelon) of enormous size.
ra. The man stopped him and asked:
 - Tell me how to get to Deribasovskaya?
 - Here! Hold the kavun!
(He begins to tell and show, the man listens carefully and
trying to remember)
 - First you go to the end of this fence, there you turn di-
   Right, walk two blocks and turn left. At the end of the
   there will be a stop on the lane. You take the eighth bus and go
   five stops. You go out, cross the street, sit down on the two-
   number of trams and you get to the "Park" stop, get off and
   The central alley of the park leads to the lake. You will go around him with le-
   on the fourth side and along the fourth side alley you come out onto the
   pect.  You walk along it three blocks up, you see a gastronomic
   No, you go around it and through the entrance yard you go out to the bus stop
   sixth trolleybus. It will take you to the pet store. So there you go!
   Buy yourself a goose there and spin his eggs! But I have no reason to spin them!
   ...You're standing on Deribasovskaya...

 * * *

The doorbell rings. The man opens the door. There are four kingkongs (in
I mean, boys are not weak in size).
 - Did you call the racketeers?- No, no, what are you talking about?
 - Pay a fine of 5,000 rubles for a false call.

 * * *

 - Leonid Ilyich, what is your hobby?
 - I collect anecdotes about myself.
 - And did you manage to collect a lot?
 - Two and a half camps.

 * * *

At political classes:
American aggressors are interfering in the internal affairs of the Soviet Union
Union all over the world.

 * * *

One neighbor comes to another and sees: she has a
scare him, and he has a thread tied to each paw.
 “Why,” he says, “did you tie strings for him?”
 - Oh, this is not an ordinary parrot. He is so well-mannered and well-trained
   ny!  If you pull one string, he will say: “Guten Tag!”; for
   If you pull the other one, it will say: “Gud morning!”
Well, she naturally asks:
 - What if you pull both at once?
Parrot:
 - Stupid, I'm...nosed!!!

                             * * *

Call to the Big House on Liteiny (and, by the way, everyone knows the name
is this house big? It is so big that from its cellars Cola-
ma is visible). Well, here's the call:
 - Hello!   Please tell me that my parrot doesn’t pass your window
flew by?
 - No, I didn’t fly by. What's the matter?
 - If it flies by, keep in mind that I do not share his opinions!

* * *

Once upon a time such a nasty bird appeared in the city (a parrot, between
other things). He flies everywhere and shouts all sorts of nasty things about the Soviet Union.
government The Big House received instructions to lime this vile
bird. Well, we have identified all the owners of talking parrots and are making the rounds.
They come to one eccentric, he opens the door:
 - Hello.
 - Hello. Do you have a parrot?
 - Yes.
 -Can I look at him?
 - Please.
The eccentric invites them to the kitchen, opens the refrigerator and takes out
from there the parrot. The parrot sits all ruffled, its beak under its wing
stuck it in and, just fine, trembles.
 - Is he talking?
 - Yes, speaker, ask whatever you want.
 - Come on, Popka, tell us something.
Parrot:
 - Down with the American imperialists!!!
Long live our dear Communist Party at the head...
(well, and so on)!!! Comrades say:
 - Look, what a smart bird!
Well, they turned and left.  The owner saw them out, closed the door,
returns to the kitchen and says to the parrot:
 - Well, you fool, do you understand what Vorkuta is?

 * * *

An eccentric is walking through the desert in swimming trunks and with a towel under his arm.
Meets a Bedouin.
- Listen, friend, how far is it from the sea?
- Three days' journey.
- For fuck's sake, they've torn up the beach!

 * * *

An eccentric is walking through the desert. Meets a Bedouin.
 - Listen, friend, where is the toilet?
 - Go straight, straight, on Thursday you’ll turn right...

 * * *

Lecture at the Agricultural Institute.  Professor:
 - One healthy sire should have up to two
   eleven copulations...
Female voice from the front row:
 - Excuse me, professor, how much?
 - Until twelve.
 - Repeat, please, for the last row!
Male voice from the last row:
 - Tell me, professor, we are talking about copulation with one cow
   or with twelve?
 - From twelve, of course...
 - Thank you, please repeat for the first row...

 * * *

They announced on the radio that somewhere in the vicinity of a certain village, perhaps
aliens landed, and even one of their characteristics is known -
one trait: they all have bulging eyes... At night the shepherd returned
walks home through the forest and suddenly sees that nearby in the bushes there is a
there's a man with huge eyes. The shepherd realized that this was a representation
tel of another civilization and begins to make contact:
 - I am a shepherd! Herding cows!!
The man looks at him from the bushes and says nothing.
 - I am a shepherd! Herding cows!! Cows give milk!!!
Zero attention.
 - I am a shepherd! Herding cows!! Cows give milk!!! Milk people
   drinking! And I -shepherd, and cows give milk!!!!
 - And I am a forester! S#y here!!!

 * * *

A man shouts at the entire pharmacy:
 - Give me a condom!
Pharmacist:
 - Comrade, you could say this in my ear...
 - Why do I need it in my ear when I fucking need it!

 * * *

The plane breaks down in the air and begins to fall. Passengers in panic
They grab parachutes, but there aren’t enough for everyone. Englishman as used
shadowy gentleman shouts:
 - Gentlemen, we need to give all parachutes to women!
 - Fuck them in the ass!
Frenchman:
 - Will we have time?

 * * *

A tourist is walking through the forest. Suddenly a bear comes out to meet him, and between
The following dialogue takes place between them. Bear:
 - Who are you?
 - Tourist.
 - You're lying, I'm the tourist, and you're the tourist's breakfast.

 * * *

At school, the accountant asks:
 - Guys, how much is 5x5?
 - 70.
 - No guys, 5x5 will be 25, well 26, well...
   at most 27, but not 70.

 * * *

Chemistry lesson.  Chemist mixes caxap with sulfuric acid - experience
famous.  Silence.  Only the caxap crunches. Suddenly from the back
row:- Right now, how e.. no!
Khimichka:
 - No, it shouldn’t...WHAT!?!?!?!!!
And at that moment the reaction began, the black coal flew out of the jar...
Khimichka:
 - There are all sorts of... soothsayers here...

 * * *

During a lesson at school, the teacher explains to the children:
 - Children, you must wear a helmet when walking around the construction site. I know one
   boy, he was walking through a construction site without a helmet and fell on his head
   brick.  The boy was taken to the hospital. I also know one girl.
   She was walking through a construction site wearing a helmet and a brick also fell on her head.
   She smiled and moved on.
Voice from the back:
 - I know this girl - she lives in our yard. Still ho-
   child is wearing a helmet and smiling...

 * * *

Exam in progress. The teacher explains:
 - Question five: who is the author of the textbook?
 - Question four: what color is the textbook?
 - Question three: what exactly are we renting?
A student stands up in the back row:
 - Let's go, guys, the free time is not over...

 * * *

Exam in progress. The teacher explains:
 - Question for five. How is voltage measured?
 - Question for four. How is voltage measured?
   A-voltmeter, B-ammeter, B-ohmmeter.
 - Question three. Isn't voltage measured with a voltmeter?

 * * *

 - Sarah, what do you have in your locket?
 - My husband's hair.
 - But he's still alive...
 - He’s still alive, but his hair is long gone

 * * *

My Georgian son has a session coming up. The Georgian father admonishes:
 - If you pass with a 5, I’ll buy you a black Volga, if you pass with a 4, I’ll buy you a white one,
   on 3 - gray, and you will drive a gray Volga like a fool!!!

 * * *

 - Defendant! You have the last word!
 - Dvesty patdesyat thousand...
 - The court retires for a meeting!
 - Defendant! Do you admit your guilt?
 - Nat!
 - Well, no, no trial!

 * * *

A Georgian has a son. So he asks his friend.
 - Guess what I named my son. The first syllable is a note, the second is
   the most beautiful part of a woman's body.
 - I won’t bother.
 - Oh, SIROZHA.

 * * *

Announcement at the dean's office:
"Students who have tails and have not passed their languages will be hanged
second floor."

 * * *

Teacher:
 - Sidorov, don’t come to school tomorrow without your parents!
Sidorov:
 - And the day after tomorrow?... * * *

A Jew is bringing a portrait of Lenin to Israel.
 - What is this?  - They ask him at Soviet customs.
 - This is not “what”, but “who”!  This is Vladimir Ilyich Lenin!
 - Who is this?  - They ask him at Israeli customs.
 - This is not “who”, but “what”!  This is a Golden Frame.

 * * *

A servant bursts into the lord's bedroom and screams heart-rendingly:
 - Sir! Save yourself! The Thames overflowed its banks...
 - Well, Barrymore. Go out and report as required! Via
   Five minutes later the door swings open under the pressure of water. On the wave
   sitting on an inflatable raft, the butler announces:
 - Thames, sir!!

 * * *

A drug addict comes to the zoo to get a job. There's a look-
They look at the work book and trudge: there are so many places to work!
 - Well, how are you doing this?
 - You know, I’m so slow, I don’t have time to do anything...
 - Okay, you'll watch the turtles.
In the morning they come to the zoo and see: the cages are open, there are no turtles,
A man is sitting in a cage.
 - What have you done!!!!
 - I opened the cage this morning, and they broke...