Les Podervyansky. Snobs

Les Podervyansky

A Play

  ████   █   █   ████   ██████  █     █
 █ ▒▒▒█  █▒  █▒ █ ▒▒▒█  █▒▒▒▒█▒ █▒   ██▒
 █▒ ░░░▒ █▒░ █▒░█▒ ░░█▒ █▒░░░░▒░█▒░ █ █▒░
 █▒░    ░█████▒░█▒░  █▒░█████  ░█▒░█ ▒█▒░
 █▒░     █▒▒▒█▒░█▒░  █▒░█▒▒▒▒█  █▒█ ▒ █▒░
 █▒░  █  █▒░░█▒░█▒░  █▒░█▒░░░█▒ ██░▒ ░█▒░
  ████ ▒ █▒░ █▒░ ████ ▒░ ████░▒░█▒▒ ░ █▒░
   ▒▒▒▒ ░ ▒░  ▒░  ▒▒▒▒ ░  ▒▒▒▒ ░ ▒░░   ▒░
    ░░░░   ░   ░   ░░░░    ░░░░   ░     ░

▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀
 ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░

 ╔══════════════════════════════════════╗
╔╝                                      ╚╗
║              Characters:               ║
╟────────────────────────────────────────╢
║                                        ║
║ Benedikt Obramovych - snob;            ║
║ Perets Moiseievych - snob;             ║
║ Svyryd Svyrydovych - snob;             ║
║ Polina Yosopyvna,-\                    ║
║ Elza Pizdauskas  -/ snobbesses.        ║
╚╗                                      ╔╝
 ╚══════════════════════════════════════╝

The action takes place in Svyryd Svyrydych's apartment.

Act One

Svyryd Svyrydovych's apartment is hung with all kinds of junk, including a tame crow in a cage, a portrait of Saint Barbara, a bust of an Eastern despot, a rusty bucket nailed to the ceiling, a butterfly half-eaten by bedbugs crucified on the wall, a boar killed by Hemingway, a painting with naked whores, a rococo-style sofa in which woodworms are fucking, and other stuff.

Svyryd Svyrydovych is sitting at a dirty table, smoking a pipe and watching the show "In the World of Animals"; a book lies on the table. Written on the book is "Homosexuality and Eastern Philosophy", and the author of the book is Tsyun Khuy Muy.

Skvortsov (on TV): — Interestingly, with the onset of the mating season, the behavior of the salamander changes. Pay attention to the swollen glands of the salamander at the base of its tail.

The hideous silhouette of a salamander appears on the screen. "Pink Floyd" is playing. From time to time, the salamander emits a sound as if someone were dragging a dull saw across corrugated slate.

Svyryd Svyrydych (to himself): — Ugh, fucking freak...

Benedikt Obramovych and Perets Moiseievych enter with bottles of vodka.

Benedikt Obramovych (joking): — Greetings to the whole house!

Skvortsov (on TV): — Look, this is how a frightened salamander itself tries to frighten an uninvited guest before retreating.

On the screen, the salamander foully shits, shimmering with all the colors of the rainbow.

Svyryd Svyrydych (pointing at the book): — Have you read this?

Perets Moiseievych: — Come now, Svyryd Svyrydovych, that's just a pulp interpretation of the "Diamond Sutra". Tell you what, I'll bring you a little book—some merchant wrote it, in the Russian Orthodox tradition. In his youth he was a great brigand. Imagine that, he raped his own mother. It's a kind of a priori—then he lived in the East for a long time. Altogether a most brilliant, experienced man.

Benedikt Obramovych: — As Blok put it... Great is Russia, yet there's nowhere to go.

Svyryd Svyrydovych: — The magic of words, my good sir.

With these words, Svyryd Svyrydovych pours the vodka and the whole company drinks.

Skvortsov (on TV): — Now we will meet another representative of the vast reptile family. You have probably already recognized him. See how cute he is?

The terrifying jaws of a crocodile appear on the screen. Pieces of a shaggy dog are sticking out of his teeth.

Skvortsov: — In the forest, the laws are different from ours. You only have to zone out for a second, and before you know it, you've ended up as someone's dinner—so to speak, little tragedies.

Polina Yosypovna and Elza Pizdauskas enter.

Elza (with a non-Russian accent): — These men, they're like always, drinking on the sly, and not a word to the women.

Benedikt Obramovych: — Allow me to introduce—our guest is the most renowned Elza Pizdauskas.

Elza: — At least you, Benya, could stop fucking showing off—you know I don't like that.

With these words, Elza pours herself a faceted tumbler of vodka and downs it.

Polina Yosopivna: — Haven't you read Hansmacher's article "On the Threshold of Reason"?

Perets Moiseich: — I heard something about it—it's about a tamed shark. She eats eggs out of a shot glass. By the way, gentlemen, to this day nobody knows which one in a shark is the man and which is the woman!

Elza Pizdauskas: — I'd probably tell by the smell, ha-ha-ha...

Elza Pizdauskas guffaws unpleasantly, choking on a pickled tomato.

Polina Yosypovna: — Imagine that, you guessed wrong. It's about a monkey. A monkey has spoken for the first time!

Benedikt Obramovych: — Ha, and what, pray tell, could this monkey of yours possibly say?

Polina Yosopivna: — Imagine, just one phrase. She said: "So, you little fuckers, got what you asked for?"

Benedikt Obramovych: — That doesn't mean anything yet! It can produce sounds reflexively.

At that very moment, Svyryd Svyrydovych farts loudly.

Elza Pizdauskas: — Better an honest fart than a treacherous silent-but-deadly!

Skvortsov (on TV): — There you see how it sometimes turns out. No sooner had our new acquaintance set off into his native element than the master of the taiga, tired of sucking his paw, came to the watering hole. Usually these powerful beasts avoid each other.

On the screen, the bear and the crocodile growl cowardly at each other, while the crocodile never lets go of the messy chunks of the shaggy dog from its jaws.

Perets Moiseiech (joking): — So, you little fuckers, got what you asked for?

Polina Yosypivna: — You boys are chatting away a bit too much—don't forget about the ladies!

Svyryd Svyrydovych and Perets Moiseievych pour the vodka. Everyone drinks and chases it with sausage.

Svyryd Svyrydovych (in a drunken voice): — This reminds me of a Hitchhock film: he and she are sitting there, both naked, he with a knife, she with an axe, slicing sausage and eating, and standing over them is the devil in the guise of a woman.

Svyryd Svyrovych tries to act out how the devil looked in the Hitchhock film.

Perets Moiseievych: — Svyryd Svyrydovych, that's from a different film, and anyway I advise you: drop that bullshit and watch Khabibulin's new film—now there's existentialism, fuck me in the mouth and nose. A guy found a hoe in a vegetable garden and started hoeing; spring passed—he's hoeing, summer passed—he's hoeing, autumn passed—he's hoeing—now that's fucked up.

Polina Yosopivna: — And in winter?

Perets Moiseievych: — What about winter? I didn't quite catch that!

Polina Yosypovna: — Well, in winter—does he hoe or not?

Perets Moiseievych: — Ha, no, have you ever seen anything like that? Where the fuck else is he gonna go?

Benedikt Obramovych: — You, Polya, think first, and ask later!

Skvortsov (on TV): — Fortunately, everything ended well and our thick-skinned acquaintance sank to the bottom to finish his lunch.

On the screen, the ugly tail of the crocodile is visible, slapping against the mud.

Svyryd Svyrydovych, who during the chatter had been quietly dozing in the armchair, begins to snore loudly.

Elza Pizdauskas: — Well, what a stunt—what are we gonna do?

Benedikt Obramovych (philosophically): — Nothing! It's his own loss! (to Perets Moiseiech): — How about you today?

Perets Moiseiech: — Me? Sure, of course.

Polina Yosopovna: — It's cold in here, you could catch a chill in your tubes.

Perets Moiseievych (philosophically): — For a woman, tubes are the exact same thing as brains are for a man!

Benedikt Obramovych: — Enough bullshitting.

Benedikt Obramovych sets the example first and takes off his pants. Everyone gets undressed; the music from the show "In the World of Animals" plays.

Tame crow (from the cage): — So, you little fuckers, got what you asked for?

Curtain