Russian Naughty Chastushki

Russian Naughty Chastushki

Like it or not...

This book, of course, is not for children. But neither is it for adult prudes. This book is for the ordinary normal reader who loves a salty joke and has not been deprived of a sense of humor.

Censorship, as is well known, has been abolished. But an internal censor sits inside each of us. That is how strictly we were brought up over the long years of totalitarian power: there are, they say, sacred things that must not be laughed at. And there are, they say, bad words that must not be spoken aloud, much less printed. The ordinary man obediently nodded and assented as he listened to his prim mentors, yet as soon as he had left the official audience, that same ordinary man laughed and joked to his heart’s content, teased and mimicked, uttering words that made official ears blush. Incidentally, the bosses themselves, strict censors and other ideological Derymordas, also did not disdain a spicy anecdote or a frivolous chastushka. We know their double morality: in everyday life it’s allowed, in literature it’s not. They too, no doubt, in their own corridors, in a narrow circle of comrades, especially at a feast, at a picnic, in the open air or in a hot sauna—oh, how they drank and sang desperate chastushki, well, like this one, for example.

У милашечки моей
Под подолом - соловей,
Он и свищет и поет,
Ей пописать не дает.

My darling has
A nightingale under her hem,
It whistles and it sings,
It won’t let her take a piss.

What’s so bad about that chastushka?

And of course it was not composed by a hung-up member of the Writers’ Union, but by some homegrown witty muzhik, of the sort there have always been plenty of flashing across Holy Rus. I would light an eternal flame at the grave of the Unknown Composer of Anecdotes and Chastushki!

I remember from childhood: out of nowhere a ragged tramp would appear in our courtyard, a man who always spoke only in rhyme, no matter what the subject—the weather, women, politics. It was from him, the wandering poet, that I first heard the name of the then UN Secretary-General:

- А ну, - сказал У Ну, -
Хуйну я на луну!..

“Well now,” said U Nu,
“I’ll fling my cock at the moon!..”

Ugh, how indecent, some reader will grimace, how can you—such words in a book?!

And how else, my dear imaginary and quite real opponent—how else are we to preserve folk culture without losses? How preserve it if not by printing it? Is it normal that “Russian Reserved Tales,” collected by A.N. Afanasyev more than a hundred years ago, until recently were published anywhere but in Russia? Is it fair that in the large collection of Russian chastushki published in 1966 in the “Poet’s Library” series, among three and a half thousand chastushki there is not a single one with “pictures”? Or do you, dear reader, believe that the chastushka, especially a naughty, frivolous, obscene one, is generally outside culture?

This was precisely the long-standing attitude toward this poetic genre. As they say, it so historically happened that critics and literary scholars traditionally regarded the chastushka with disdain: bad taste, they say, nonsense, hackwork. If even innocent chastushki were treated this way ever since Gleb Uspensky, who, as far as is known, first introduced this word (“chastushka”) into printed usage, then what is there to say about chastushki with “non-normative” vocabulary? Taboo, taboo!

But the chastushka impudently burst from folklore into written literature. Remember Mayakovsky, Blok (the poem “The Twelve”—why, it’s a montage of chastushki!), the poems of Yesenin, Tvardovsky, many others. Probably the time has come to finally abandon all prohibitions and prudish restrictions and give the naughty chastushka the place in literature that it should rightfully occupy.

Chastushki come in different kinds: kind and wicked, coherent in meaning and completely absurd, amorous and social in content. They are united by one feature only: a chastushka must necessarily be funny. Incidentally, the humor in chastushki is sometimes shocking, “black.” I remember, about twenty years ago, finding myself in a purely male and rather drunk but entirely intellectual company, I was amazed to hear this downright necrophiliac chastushka, which provoked in me a mixed fit of laughter and disgust at the same time:

Лежит милая в гробу,
Я пристроился, ебу.
Нравится, не нравится -
Спи, моя красавица!..

My sweetheart lies in her coffin,
I’ve settled in and I’m fucking her.
Like it or not—
Sleep, my beauty!..

“Ugh, what horror!” I exclaimed, laughing and waving it away. “What shamelessness... what sacrilege!..”

“If you don’t like it, don’t listen, forget it,” they answered me sensibly.

But such chastushki are not forgotten. Because they are born, unlike other “decent” literary works, not on commission but by inspiration.

Русские озорные частушки

Народ — коллективный автор, талант его велик и многогранен. Простодушные мужики и бабы, в отличие от премудрых и высоконравственных профессоров-литераторов, имеют неискоренимую врожденную привычку: безоглядно шутить и смеяться, пренебрегая любыми цензурными запретами. Фольклор и цензура — вещи несовместимые. И сделанные по соцзаказу псевдочастушки, которые и раньше частенько печатались и исполнялись и до сих пор еще нередко звучат во Дворцах культуры и даже с телевизионных экранов, вряд ли могут кого-нибудь ввести в заблуждение. Это не народное творчество, это подделка и фальшь.

Русская частушка, как всякое подлинное искусство, самоценна и не нуждается в целевом оправдании и обязательном утилитарном предназначении. Тем не менее, разные частушки поются в разных обстоятельствах по-разному. Можно, конечно, разделить условно всю массу озорных частушек на социальные, любовные, бытовые. Именно так поступили составители данного сборника. В специальный раздел выделены частушки-«нескладухи», вроде вот этой:

Ходит тата по канату,
Поджигателям позор.
А в районной нашей бане
Мальчик мыло проглотил.

Абсурд, бессмыслица! И весьма похоже, не правда ли, на творчество обериутов типа Хармса или нынешних поэтов-авангардистов? То есть, взят за основу тот самый принцип: в огороде бузина, а в Киеве дядька. Это что ж получается? Народ у нас, кроме всего прочего, еще и в авангардизме «сечет»?

Анонимные сочинители частушек бесстрашно комментировали в недавние строгие времена партийные лозунги и директивы:

Мы Америку догнали
В производстве молока,
А по мясу не догнали -
Хуй сломался у быка.

По частушкам можно изучать и нашу политику, и историю, и даже географию:

В городе Калязине
Нас девчонки сглазили.
Если бы не сглазили,
То мы бы с них не слазили.

А вот еще один пример из личных незабываемых впечатлений. Каждый раз, слушая чьи-либо рассказы о заполярном «длинном рубле», я вспоминаю замечательную частушку, услышанную давным-давно:

Я на Севере была,
Золото копала,
Если б не было пизды,
С голоду б пропала...

В четырех строчках — целый роман!

Только не надо, пожалуйста, становиться в позу, не надо закатывать глаза, не надо читать нотации народу-автору. Не нравится — не читайте, не слушайте, заткните уши. Или придумайте что-нибудь более приличное и пойте в своем узком благопристойном кругу. А озорные частушки никогда не исчезнут. И отнюдь не злокозненные враги с растленного Запада подбрасывают нам эти непристойности, не проклятые жидомасоны и даже не гнилая интеллигенция («говно нации», по определению картавого вождя), — сам народ, хлебопашец и работяга, сам народ все это нецензурное «безобразие» сочиняет и распевает, приплясывая под разлюбезную безотказную гармошку.

Настоящие свободолюбивые поэты, такие как Пушкин, Лермонтов, Есенин, всегда были рядом с народом, а не с ханжами-цензорами. Не случайно ведь самые кровавые диктаторы всегда отличались особой чопорностью и пуританством в своих художественных пристрастиях. Гитлер, Сталин, Жданов, аятолла Хомейни — ох, как же они по-отечески пеклись о народной нравственности!

Да и нынче вокруг нас немало ханжей и лицемеров, вроде того академика Дундука, который был высмеян еще Пушкиным в эпиграмме, очень похожей, между прочим, на частушку:

В академии наук
Заседает князь Дундук.
Говорят, не подобает
Дундукам такая честь.
Почему ж он заседает?
Потому что жопа есть!

Так что расслабься, не напрягайся, дорогой читатель. Возьми эту книжку, перелистай, почитай и посмейся. Ибо смех — это благо, а уныние — тяжкий грех.

Эдуард Иванов, писатель

Нам хотели запретить

Нам хотели запретить
По этой улице ходить.
Стены каменны пробьем -
По этой улице пройдем.

А вы, запретители,
Хуя не хотите ли?

x x x

В магазине нету мяса,
Милые подружки,
Насолили мы хуев
Тридцать три кадушки.

x x x

В нашем городе Тольятти
Выпускают "Жигули".
За три двести обещали,
На две двести наебли.

x x x

Время сдвинули на час,
Суета на глобусе.
Раньше хуй стоял в постели,
А теперь - в автобусе.

x x x

Все случилось шито-крыто.
Стал вождем Хрущев Никита.
Сталин гнал нас на войну,
А Хрущев - на целину.

x x x

Вышла б замуж за Хрущева,
Да боялась одного:
Говорят, что вместо хуя
Кукуруза у него.

x x x

В ярославскую тюрьму
Залетели гуленьки.
Залететь-то залетели,
А оттуда - хуиньки.

x x x

Говорят, что Эдисон
Был по паспорту масон.
Если так, ебена мать,
Будем лампочки ломать.

x x x

Дядя Ваня на гармони,
На гармони заиграл.
Заиграл в запретной зоне -
Застрелили наповал.

x x x

Девочки, капут, капут,
Нас по-новому ебут:
Жопой кверху, пиздой вниз -
Чтоб родился коммунист!

x x x

Дядя Ваня из Казани
Вдруг проснулся в Мичигане.
Вот какой рассеянный
Муж Сары Моисеевны.

x x x

Дядя Ваня, открой глазки,
Нет ни мяса, ни колбаски,
Яйца видим только в бане
Между ног у дяди Вани.

Русские озорные частушки

Fragment 3/7.

     x x x

Lenin rides a pig,
Trotsky rides a dog.
The commissars all scattered:
Thought they were Cossacks.

     x x x

If you gathered all the people,
Organized them right and proper,
You could piss all over the sun —
That would really start to sizzle!

     x x x

They took up barter trade —
Not with scales, not with a steelyard,
With the Bolsheviks out in the field
We trade bullets for bullets.

     x x x

Like in Torgsin in the window
There's both cheese and sausage,
But the worker out of spite
Tears the hair off his own ass.

     x x x

Like in Stalin's kolkhoz
They slaughtered a gelding,
Divided up all the guts,
Commemorated Lenin.

     x x x

And then in that same kolkhoz
They strangled a cat
And fed everyone cat meat
A little at a time.

     x x x

How Lavrenty Beria
Lost his trust,
And comrade Malenkov
Gave him a bunch of kicks.

     x x x

Like on the Krymsky bridge
A cop is fucking a flea.
Why's he fucking it?
It lives without a passport.

     x x x

Like the "Soyuz" with the "Apollo"
Is reconnecting.
And I'm fucking my sweetheart,
She's putting up resistance.

     x x x

Once Brezhnev and Podgorny
Got drunk together on "Otdornaya."
Woke up in the morning with hungover mugs,
Made the vodka more expensive.

     x x x

Viburnum-raspberry,
Stalin's cock is big,
Bigger than Rykov's
And than Peter the Great's.

     x x x

Viburnum-raspberry,
Stalin's daughter ran off,
Svetlana Alliluyeva —
What a fucked-up family.

     x x x

We are marching toward communism,
Poultry farms are being built.
But the kolkhoznik only sees eggs
When he's washing in the bathhouse.

     x x x

An agronomist came to visit us,
All smeared in shit,
He says: "Here in our country
Everyone bathes in shit."

     x x x

When Lenin was dying,
He instructed Stalin:
"Don't hand out much bread,
Don't show them any meat."

     x x x

Corn, you cunt-weed,
Went and married a pea.
Shit all over all the fields
And won't bear a fucking thing.

     x x x

Lenin plays the music,
Stalin dances the trepak.
Two "merry" assholes
Wrecked the whole of Russia.

     x x x

Lenin said to Trotsky:
"Let's go, comrade, to the bazaar,

We'll buy a bay horse,
We'll feed the proletariat."

     x x x

Lenin said to Trotsky:
"I got hold of a sack of flour.
A kulich for me, matzah for you.
Lamtsa-dritsa, gop-tsa-tsa."

     x x x

My sweetheart is a democrat,
He reads samizdat all day,
And he fucks me underground —
It's good, but very painful.

     x x x

My sweetheart is a dissident,
He reads "Kontinent."
Tomorrow I'll get up bright and early,
I'll haul my darling to the Lubyanka.

     x x x

My sweetheart, out of melancholy,
Knocked out three boards with his cock —
That's how it grows stronger year by year,
The might of the Soviet people.

     x x x

My darling in bed
Made a movement —
Either she wants perestroika,
Or she wants acceleration.

     x x x

My girl's a sexapilka
And a fan of blowjobs.
We both passionately condemned
The crimes of Pinochet.

     x x x

We caught up with America
In the production of milk.
But in meat we didn't catch up —
The bull's cock broke off.

     x x x

We won't drink vodka,
We'll save up our money,
And once we save about five rubles,
We'll drink vodka again.

     x x x

We're sitting at the bottom of a trench
And we've got a pale look.
My ass has gotten soaked
Because it's drizzling.

     x x x

My buddy and I worked
On the Northern Dvina,
We earned an anchor each
And a cock across the back.

     x x x

My buddy and I with our cocks
Knocked out the doorframes.
Surely they won't lock us up, damn it,
For little trifles like that?

     x x x

On the hill stands a birch tree,
Down below it — a tank.
I'm a Soviet man,
And you're a cunt-rag.

     x x x

Tired of living in Ryazan,
Dirt and shit and dust all over.
Darling, get yourself circumcised
And we'll go off to Israel.

     x x x

At the Baikonur cosmodrome
Some dickhead yanked the cord.
At the cosmodrome — not a fucking thing,
Denmark's gone to cunt.

     x x x

On the moon, the moon, the big moon
We have built a kolkhoz.
No air and no food,
But the sex question stands.

     x x x

At the dump, at the dump
I found me a little baby.
On the great Soviet construction site
He's going to be just fine.

     x x x

At the Savyolovsky station
They robbed the food trust.
And they wrote upon the door:
"He who doesn't steal, doesn't eat."

     x x x

At the Savyolovsky station
Voices by the barbershop:
"Who's last? I'm after you —
To shave the hair off your ass."

     x x x

On the table stands a glass,
Next to it a quarter-bottle.
My sweetheart is a cockwad,
And I'm a cockwad-ette.

     x x x

A rifle hangs upon the wall,
A Berdan on the table.
I'm a Soviet man,
And you're a cunt-rag.

     x x x

On the table stands a grindstone,
On the grindstone — a jar.
I'm a Soviet man,
And you're a cunt-rag.

     x x x

You won't find in the shop
White lump sugar anymore.
You won't find a virgin in Kriusha,
I vouch for that with my head!

     x x x

No plows and no harrows,
A crow caws on the birch.
We live in Lenin's paradise
At the very edge of the grave.

     x x x

No shirt and no trousers,
But I'm not worried:
Malenkov gave me an order,
I'll cover up somehow.

     x x x

Don't go on a cross procession
On the holiday by the churchyard:
The communists with a machine gun
Will douse you from the bridge.

     x x x

Don't make noise, wide open field,
With your ripened wheat,
We're reading as a whole kolkhoz
A novella by Solzhenitsyn.

     x x x

Now I won't give it to anyone,
Not to any old hahar,
Only to Mishka Gorbachev
For a little piece of sugar.

     x x x

The people are offended:
The party gives too little.
Our party isn't a whore,
To go giving it to everyone.

     x x x

They shat all over the day off,
Canceled Easter,
Thank you, dear native party,
For your love and your affection.

     x x x

Oh, my girlfriends,
What have we lived to see:
What we once cherished more than an eye,
That's now been taxed.

     x x x

Oh, my little cucumbers,
My little tomatoes,
Stalin stitched up Kirov
There in the corridor.

     x x x

Perestroika has begun,
And I have perestroika'd too —
The neighbor's got a big cock,
So I attached myself to him.

Russian Naughty Chastushki

(Fragment 4/7)

A pioneer, Ivan Petrov,
was sexually in the pink.
He'd plant in his girlfriend Galka
four stiff ones a day, I think.

x x x

In spring the cock stands bolt upright,
it's rough, my brothers, oh!
Come down to our district committee —
come and have a fuck.

x x x

Beneath the hill, on level ground,
stands station B-200.
And there, in the AKYu system,
all interference is fuck-all.

x x x

We go walking through the village,
we don't bother anyone.
We catch sight of the chairman —
go roll to your fucking mother.

x x x

Under the chestnuts of Peking
I gave it to a huyvenbin.

x x x

I fell in love with a huyvenbin,
his portrait hangs upon the wall.
Got up in the morning, took a look:
the cock hangs there, but no "bin" at all.

x x x

I fell in love with a major,
he turned out a political officer,
and what kind of political officer is he —
he let the pussy slip right out of his hands.

x x x

A load of crap went flying through the sky,
of silvery metal, up on high.
There's a hell of a lot of it, these days,
of unidentified crap.

x x x

My girl has lost her cherry,
and I've gone out to search for it.
Maybe it's the Pentagon,
or maybe the junta's dirty work.

x x x

Off we went with my darling Vanya,
off we went to the voting.
First we both stripped down naked,
and then came all the shoving.

x x x

The chairman rides in a car,
the brigade boss rides a horse.
And the kolkhozniks with their sack
fucked off on foot, of course.

x x x

When they did the count at the village soviet,
two balls turned up missing.
The kids came running to the hut,
in a hurry calling for their father.

x x x

Come to me at BAM,
I'll give it to you on the rails.
Let the pussy have its fun
while the trains aren't running yet.

x x x

I'll sing you a chastushka
about some wondrous things:
they brought an old woman to the museum —
she used to live with Engels.

x x x

I wake up early in the morning —
Luis Corvalán is gone.
So there you have it, there it is —
the junta's handiwork!

x x x

I'll smash the village with my cock
right down to the last log's crown.
Don't go singing war songs —
don't be upsetting father.

x x x

A plane goes flying by,
its wings are stylish, fine.
Kolkhozniks sit inside it —
and every one is starving.

x x x

The silvery Tu-liner
came apart in mid-flight,
because the "TU" company
turns out pure shit.

x x x

Lenin sits up in a birch tree,
holding sickle and hammer,
and his "girlfriend" Trotsky
blows in from the front with no trousers on.

x x x

Hammer on the left, sickle on the right —
that's our Soviet coat of arms.
Want to — reap, and want to — forge,
you'll get a cock all the same.

x x x

A little star fell from the sky
right into my darling's pants.
Let the whole thing blow to pieces there —
just so long as there's no war.

x x x

Sputnik, sputnik, you go flying,
you go flying to the heavens.
And you glorify forever
your own mother — the CPSU.

x x x

Where tigers used to shit before,
we'll lay down trunk lines through the floor.
Come to me at BAM,
I'll give it to you on the rails.

x x x

You German, you cunt-torn wretch,
it's no fucking use to fight with us.
Send the boys back home —
there's nobody left to fuck the girls.

x x x

We set off for BAM
with a suitcase made of leather,
and we came back home again
with a frostbitten cock.

x x x

In my baby's ass
the enema snapped off.
A spectre is haunting Europe —
the spectre of communism.

x x x

It's a good thing that Yu. Gagarin
isn't a Jew and isn't a Tatar,
not a Tungus and not an Uzbek,
but our own Soviet man.

x x x

Over the stump, over the wattle,
over the whole acacia,
a fellow shoved into a woman's ass
a government bond.

x x x

I was walking past the mausoleum,
from the little window I see a cock —
that's Comrade Lenin sending me
an air kiss.

x x x

The native factory
hums like a hive.
But what the fuck do I care —
it's my day off.

x x x

The native plant
hums like a hive.
But what the fuck do I care —
may it fuck itself in the mouth.

x x x

Eh, they tried a fellow down at the club,
gave the fellow ten years flat.
Afterwards the girls all asked:
"Will there be dancing, or not?"

x x x

Eh, you, my darling dear,
skinny and typhoid-y,
your tits aren't your own
and your pussy's kolkhoz-issue.

x x x

I'll come back from Paree,
I'll see my darling sweet,
I'll fuck her, I'll torture her,
like Pol Pot did Kampuchea.

x x x

I worked on the kolkhoz,
my whole pussy's covered in dung,
fuck that workday unit —
better I wash my cunt.

x x x

I worked on the kolkhoz,
earned myself a five-kopeck bit.
I covered my ass with the five-kopeck,
and the pussy stayed bare of it.

x x x

I worked on the kolkhoz
on a green diesel engine.
I got fuck-all out of it —
they pinched my padded jacket.

x x x

I worked for the priest,
I built him a thresher.
What I earned from him
was a cock to the back of the head.

x x x

A hurricane of furious force
wiped Iran off the face of the earth —
that was Vanka at the break of dawn
letting one rip in the toilet.

x x x

Under my girl's shirt
I found a government bond.
I unbuttoned my fly —
and the number fit at once!

x x x

I won't fuck you
in the middle of the truck bed:
inside your pussy perished
Kutuzov's entire army.

x x x

I fell in love with Titov
and I gave it to Gagarin,
and it felt just like
I'd been out in space.

x x x

I'm not afraid of Khrushchev,
I'll marry Furtseva.
I'll be squeezing the tits
that are the most Marxist of all!

"As at our gates..."

x x x

We're starting up our hooliganry,
we'll sing you all chastushki.
Allow us, just for starters,
to put a felt boot on a cock.

x x x

Akulina-drebeden
hasn't been fucked for three days,
we'll haul her out at the meeting —
we'll fuck Akulina!

x x x

The girls from Alma-Ata
wear white panties on their bums.
Three little hairs on their pussy —
like a rabbit's whiskers, just as fine.

x x x

My darling gave me
his love, so true and steady,
and I gave him in return
my own unmeasurable one.

x x x

My darling gave me
four little crab-lice, small and sweet.
What am I going to feed them on,
they're such tiny little things?

x x x

And my darling is a cop,
he isn't scared of a fight,
because he's got
a pistol on his ass.

x x x

And we fucked, and fucked, and fucked —
and ships came floating up.
And when we stopped our fucking —
barges started floating up.

x x x

So fuck away, Olenka,
while your pussy's still bare.
Once it's overgrown with down —
you won't comb it out with a comb.

x x x

А ты не жми меня к березе,
Ты не трать свои труды,
Ты не думай, я не дура.
Вот поженимся - тады.

 x x x

Ах, арбуз, арбуз, арбуз!
В пизду заехал автобус.
Все четыре колеса
Буксовали три часа.

 x x x

Ах вы, сиськи мои,
Каждая по пуду.
Я наелась творогу
И гулять не буду.

 x x x

Ах, еб вашу мать,
Родила ребеночка:
Три ноги, четыре жопы
И одна пизденочка.

 x x x

Ах, еб твою мать,
На кобыле воевать.
Запрягу кобылу хуем
И поеду воевать.

 x x x

Ах, как быстро вперед
Время катится!
Кто не пьет, не ебет -
Потом спохватится.

 x x x

Ах, милка моя,
Шевелилка моя,
Что ж ты только шевелишь,
Мне засунуть не велишь?

 x x x

Ах, огурчики, помидорчики!
Меня милый отъебал
В коридорчике.

 x x x

Ах, тительная,
Удивительная!
Удивила ты меня
На постели у себя.

 x x x

Ах, ты, Ваня, милый Ваня,
Свое счастье ты проспал:
Сколько раз тебе давала,
Ты ни разу не попал!

 x x x

Ахтю, ахтю!
У тебя - в дяхтю,
У меня - в тесте,
Слепимся вместе.

 x x x

Ах, юбка моя,
Полосатая,
А под юбкой у меня -
Волосатая.

 x x x

А я свою милую
Из могилы вырою.
По спине похлопаю,
Поставлю кверху жопою.

 x x x

Бабища, блядища,
Блинищи пекла.
Хуяк сковородищу -
Пиздищу сожгла.

 x x x

Бабы, в кучу -
Хуй нашел.
Вы ебитесь,
Я пошел.

 x x x

Бабы спорили в Кашире,
У кого пизда пошире.
Одна вышла напоказ -
У нее как медный таз!

 x x x

Бабы спорили в метро,
У кого пизда с ведро.
Оказалось, что с ведро
У начальницы метро.

 x x x

Бабы спорили в такси,
У кого пизда в шерсти.
Оказалось, что в шерсти
У водителя такси.

 x x x

Бабы спорили в трамвае,
У кого пизда кривая.
Оказалось, что кривая
У водителя трамвая.

 x x x

Бабы спорили на даче,
У кого пизда лохмаче.
Оказалось, что лохмаче
У самой хозяйки дачи.

 x x x

Бабы - ух! И девки - ух!
Идет беременный петух.
Шароварами трясет,
Видно, пару принесет.

 x x x

Барыня, барыня,
Сударыня, барыня!
Какая барыня ни будь,
Все равно ее ебуть!

 x x x

Бедный Гена-крокодил
В дверях яйца прищемил.
Яйца грохнулись на пол -
Началась игра в футбол.

 x x x

Будем жить таким манером:
Обобьем пизду фанером.
Вставим раму и стекло -
Будет чисто и светло.

 x x x

Ванька с печки упал
С медными ключами.
Придавил себе муде
Двумя кирпичами.

 x x x

Вас-то, девушки-то, много,
А тальянщик-то один.
Давайте, девушки, по разику
Тальянщику дадим.

 x x x

Ваше поле рядом с нашим,
Наше колосистее.
Ваши девки посисястей,
Наши - попиздистее.

 x x x

В городе Калязине
Нас девчата сглазили.
Если бы не сглазили,
Мы бы с них не слазили!

 x x x

В двадцать лет у дяди Глеба
Поднимался хуй до неба.
Да и после сорока
Подпирает облака!

 x x x

В круг вошел, взмахнул рукой.

• Ты откуда, хуй, такой?
  -Из деревни Блюдово.
  А ты, пизда, откудова?

  x x x

В Ленинград пришел состав
С красными вагонами.
Будут девки разгружать
Ящики с гондонами.

 x x x

В магазин пришла селедка,
Хошь - бери, хошь - не бери,
По пизде прошла чесотка,
А по хую - волдыри.

 x x x

Внизу речка протекает,
А за речкой огород.
Там за речкой проживает
Манька, ебаная в рот.

 x x x

Во Вьетнаме, во Вьетнаме,
В охуительной глуши,
Проживает дядя Ваня,
Инженер моей души.

 x x x

В огороде завелися
Колорадские жуки.
Проживем и без картошки -
Были б только мужики.

 x x x

В огороде, в лебеде,
Нашла Машенька муде.
Примеряла, приставляла
К своей маленькой пизде.

 x x x

В огороде помидоры,
Помидоры красные.
Нас с подружкой не ебут -
Обе мы несчастные!

 x x x

Во дворе сирень цветет,
Черемухой пахнет.
Скоро милый мой вернется,
Через жопу трахнет.

 x x x

Во Ершовской во деревне
Зарезали борова.
Три недели мудя ели
И гуляли здорово.

 x x x

Возле кузницы - тропа.
Девки выебли попа.
Не ходи, космата блядь,
А то выебем опять.

 x x x

Вот уж вечер настает,
Солнце книзу клонится.
Парень девушку ебет,
Хочет познакомиться.

 x x x

Вот уже который год
Мене милка не дает.
Отъебал вчера со зла
Я соседского козла.

 x x x

Время близится к обеду,
Я в избу на жопе еду.
Приезжаю прямо в хату -
Кочерга ебет лопату.

 x x x

Все б я пела, все б я пела,
Все бы веселилася.
Все бы я под ним лежала,
Все бы шевелилася.

 x x x

Все девчонки на гулянке,
А моя разъеба спит.
Заиграю в балалайку -
Всю постелю обоссыт.

 x x x

Все картошка да картошка,
Хуй повесил голову.
Пизда пишет заявленье:
Помираю с голоду.

 x x x

Все милашки как милашки,
А моя - как пузырек.
Села ссать - пизда отвисла,
Как от кепки козырек.

 x x x

Все ходил и уговаривал
Глухую бабу я...

• Не ходи, не уговаривай -
  Не слышу ни хуя!

  x x x

Все ходил да уговаривал
У каменной стены.
До того доуговаривал -
Сама сняла штаны!

 x x x

Выдавайте меня замуж
Очень молодую.
Милый в армию уйдет,
А я заблядую.

 x x x

Вы не очень задавайтесь,
Наши кавалерики:
Сорок ящиков хуев
Прислали из Америки.

 x x x

Выходите, девки, замуж
За Ивана Кузина.
У Ивана Кузина
Большая кукурузина.

 x x x

Russian Naughty Chastushki

Fragment 6/7

My darling stepped out on the porch
To scratch his ball.
Put his hand in — no ball,
So he crashed right off the porch.

x x x

Accordionist, accordionist,
Like a little scarlet flower.
He's big himself, the accordion's big,
But his little cock is small.

x x x

Accordionist, accordionist,
Short little neck,
You — fuck your nostril —
Play nicely.

x x x

Accordionist, accordionist,
How's your health?
Why have you let your lips hang down
Like a cow's cunt?

x x x

Accordionist, accordionist —
A violet knob,
The girls won't give it to you
Only because of that.

x x x

To the accordionist for his playing,
For his mighty playing:
A little bit of vodka
And a blinking dolly.

x x x

Glanced in the puddle — a bum in the puddle,
Well that's a marvel, friends...
Suddenly the bum smiled at me —
Turned out it was me!

x x x

She said to her fellow:
"Don't build a bathhouse on your cock —
The girls will come to steam,
They'll start coveting the cock."

x x x

One cunt says to another:
"Sweep the trash out of the hut,
Or the cock will come by now
And we'll both catch it!"

x x x

The old woman says to the old man:
"I'm going off to America."
"What are you, you old cunt —
Trains don't go there."

x x x

They say I got married,
Only I don't believe it:
I start to piss and I can't piss,
I sit to shit and I can't shit.

x x x

The town of Vologda isn't a town,
Zolotukha isn't a river.
The old woman spun like a little mill
On the old man's cock.

x x x

Grunya, want a pie? —
She doesn't want a pie.
"Grunya, want a healthy cock?" —
She bursts out laughing.

x x x

My dear Yashka,
It's heavy under you.
Let me get up and take a look —
Am I lying well?

x x x

Girls, sluts, I'm your uncle,
You're my nieces.
Climb up on the plank bed
To feel my balls.

x x x

Girls don't give it out anymore
To idle fuckers.
A mass entertainer came to us
With a ga-a-adget this big!

x x x

Girls were bathing in the lake
And caught a crayfish.
All day long they searched
For where the crayfish's ass is.

x x x

Girls were bathing in the lake,
Ran onto a stream.
They saw on a soldier
Five notches on his cock.

x x x

Girls were bathing in the lake,
Found a rubber cock.
All day long they fucked,
Didn't even go to school.

x x x

Girls were running moonshine
In the garden, in the goosefoot.
The apparatus stood on an ass,
The condenser on a cunt.

x x x

Girls went walking through the woods
And caught a hare.
All day long they searched
For where the hare's balls are.

x x x

Girls, piss at the ceiling:
I've dragged my accordion in!
And in the accordion there's just one bass.
I lay my cock on all of you!

x x x

Girls, piss at the ceiling:
I've dragged the accordion in.
The girls pissed at the ceiling,
I dragged the accordion off.

x x x

Girls are bitches, girls are sluts,
They tore the cock off uncle.
Uncle cries and uncle sobs,
The cock goes flying through the air.

x x x

Girls — ooh! And women — ooh!
A rooster flew into a cunt.
Got tangled up in the hair,
Sang in all different voices.

x x x

Girls — ooh! And women — ooh!
A rooster flew into a cunt.
Crows and sings,
Gives the cunt no peace.

x x x

Fuck girls — they swear at you.
Fuck a goat — it butts you.
Better to fuck your sweetheart —
She smiles!

x x x

Lots of girls, lots of girls,
Nowhere to put the girls.
Soon our girls will be
Fucked by electricity.

x x x

The little Chukhna girl
Lay down ever so quietly.
She hid and she took care,
As if she'd never fucked in her life.

x x x

Little white girls,
What are those dimples of yours?
In the middle a little comb,
That's where the little rooster goes.

x x x

Girls, how much, how much
To break your sealing wax?
Just give it a shake —
And — motherfucker — a seal!

x x x

Grandpa, oh grandpa,
A cock's no loaf of bread for you:
You don't fuck your granny —
You'll live on potatoes.

x x x

If there's money, the girls love you,
Lead you to the bed to sleep.
No money — they'll cut your cock off
And give it to the dogs.

x x x

"Darling, where are you going?"
"Darling, to the town of Bui."
"Darling, buy me a dress."
"Darling, here's a cock for you!"

x x x

Dear friend Manya,
I know your darling.
His name begins with "C",
His surname with a "P"...

x x x

Goodbye, my dear,
I'm leaving for Asia.
And for the last time today
I'm climbing onto you.

x x x

I'm a fool — I let the boss
Have a feel of my tuft.
My boys wrote up
A report on me.

x x x

Fuck away, brother, on the accordion,
On the accordion's board,
So they know the Vologda boys
In Leningrad and in Moscow!

x x x

Fucked and fucked all night,
Don't remember whose.
Maybe the priest's daughter —
Anyway I don't remember!

x x x

Fuckies, fuckies,
All the sparrows are fucking.
And the tomtits and the starlings —
What fine fellows!

x x x

If I were a little bird,
With a tail like a little dun cow's,
I'd eat and I'd drink,
And as for work — fuck all.

x x x

If you want to have
A little cap of hare,
Climb up onto my cock
And hold on to my balls.

x x x

I rode over the bumps,
And not alone but with women,
Suddenly I tripped on a bump —
And punctured one of the women.

x x x

I wait for Manya by the farm,
Manya likes me a lot.
I'll give her lots of sperm
And a tiny bit of attention.

x x x

If only to get a sweetheart
And pull her panties off.
What do women give birth from? —
From a kiddie's sausage.

x x x

Beyond the village in the pond
A duck was diving.
Neither woman nor grandpa —
Was poking around in an ass.

x x x

Fuck yourselves, tractor in the field
And the gearbox,
It's good to fuck the young ones —
Their little cunt has no bones%

x x x

Outside the window falls
Silhouette upon silhouette,
And there's no way to make out
Who is raping whom.

x x x

Sing up, my dear,
But I can't sing:
I crashed off the platform —
My mouth won't open!

x x x

They let a herring into the pond,
And crucians lived there.
The crucians fucked the herring —
And you got ivasi.

x x x

Russian Naughty Chastushki

Fragment 7/7

An old man got the notion
To swim across the river.
He drowned out in the middle —
Only his cock gave a flick.

x x x

I walk into the forest,
I hear somebody crying.
A russula and a valui
Are whacking a white boletus!

x x x

Round the corner stood three:
Him, her, and his.
On the hill a dog howls,
Under the hill — nothing.

x x x

Jadwiga is a great fuck,
She wriggles and she shifts.

x x x

Howdy, howdy
At Yegorov's gate,
And at our gate
They fuck everybody backwards.

x x x

The famous Grandpa Avdey
Isn't afraid of a hundred whores.
He takes them one by one
And fucks like a wound-up toy.

x x x

And birch tree, stop,
And aspen tree, stop:
Never have I seen
A man with a cunt!

x x x

And my mother beat me,
And my mother scolded me,
My mother sent me
To wash my ass in the river.

x x x

"Give it," they say,
"Don't give it," they say.
Better to give than not to give —
Let people talk.

x x x

Here comes Semyonovna,
Boasting of herself:
Like, I'm all tits,
Like, I'm all ass!

x x x

Sweep, Dunka, sweep,
And sweep, Paranka, sweep.
Dunka, sweep cleaner —
I'll come and fuck you!

x x x

From America there came
A respectable merchant —
Two little golden balls
And a silver tip.

x x x

Water pours out of the pail,
Splashes out of the tub.
My darling at the party
Is quivering on a cock.