Funny Stuff from the Internet

FUNNY STUFF FROM THE INTERNET

(latest jokes from the Russian net)
http://www.anekdot.ru/poetry-100.html
verner@sityline.ru

From the neighbors—shouts and curses,
Even the wall is vibrating.
That's Foma who bought a computer—
And is installing Windows!

submitted by Aldoom (domansky@cityline.ru)

Oh, I'd beat the shit out of
Those who invented Windows!

submitted by Igor Ga

Little Tema came to the INTERNET,
No more Web designers left on the net.

submitted by Willie

What are the topics in our native INTERNET?
All about, pardon me, pussy and blowjobs!
Either women in Rus'
Are being displaced by PCs,
Or the Masons are to blame again.

submitted by B.S.

Stop, don't drink from the toilet bowl,
There are microbes there, infection there,
Pull the handle, flush the water,
Blow off the foam, and only then drink!

submitted by Andrey

H2O is not our motto,
Ours is C2H5OH!

submitted by Serega (P_S_A@hotmail.com)

A riddle joke:
It consists of three letters,
Starts with "Kh".
When it works—it stands,
When it finishes—it bows.
Answer: KHOR (Choir).

submitted by Petr_Ivanov (ivanov@atom.ru)

And a couple of lines of long SONNETS!

NATURALIST'S NOTES

SPRING

In spring, the snow rots in the fields,
A tractor beautifully sinks in mud,
A cow moos pitifully,
The filth in the cowshed bothers her.
The trees stand bare,
Look, one has already fallen,
The peasant women curse each other,
And the soul feels brighter.
Cranes fly in a wedge
For two days straight, already getting on my nerves,
And from the thawed-out earth
Two corpses showed their faces.
I love you, native Rus',
Everyone has glorified you for centuries,
A domestic goose swims in the pond
And a blue boy, skates pointing up.
The purest air here and there
Stinks of terrible booze fumes—
Shepherd Ivan walked through the fields
And breathed out his hangover haze.
Already the birds have begun to whistle,
Drowning out the cops in the area,
In the forest, a bear roars from its sleep—
Someone set fire to its den.
Hark! An ostrich ran into the field,
Where on earth did it come from here?
The shepherd crawled back by—
Damn, he sure got wasted!
The river overflowed its banks
And flooded half the village,
An arm sticks out of a hut's window:
Someone got crushed by a log.
A steam locomotive flies by with a whistle,
And passengers' screams are heard,
It flies beautifully... off the embankment—
The switchman there is a great joker.
You, Nature, I will sing of,
Your meadows are full of manure,
In the den the bear burned down,
Smoking no worse than the locomotive...
But that's it! It's time to finish
These soulful couplets,
I'll leave off praising spring
And wait for summer to begin.

submitted by Vlad (Thrawn@got.mmtel.ru)
(to be continued...)

Across the expanses of Novell
The Server sends out files.
Between the printer and the door
Sits the Supervisor,
Like unto a Cyberdaemon.
Full of dark designs is he—
He planned a steep upgrade
From which, of course,
The network will work worse...
Yet everyone will find out
Who is the biggest boss in the office.
The hacker groans in vexation,
Realizing that he will have to
Rewrite all the password crackers
From scratch.
The secretaries groan too—
Suddenly inaccessible to them
Became the directories with PrefClub
And their favorite game Lines.
A foolish user timidly hides
Three little games in a directory,
Sets the hidden attributes,
Naively hoping
That nobody will notice them.
Only the wicked Supervisor
Climbs boldly and freely
Into others' directories.
Soon, soon everything will hang!!!

submitted by Michael (311smn@ecmath.nsu.ru)

That's the kind of mess going on!!
And finally, a few short verses...

When you look into your wallet,
Where instead of money there's a pile of dust,
Don't say with sorrow: "They are gone,"
Say with gratitude: "THEY WERE!"

submitted by Alex (are@bizcom.dol.ru)

If you want to become a soldier—
Cuss out the dean with profanities!!!

submitted by Shurik (ic12saa@iclan.dcnasu.ru)

Why love, why suffer,
When all paths lead to bed.

submitted by Nat

A boy called his ISP for a long time!
Couldn't get through—went and killed them.

submitted by Lena (lena@nts.nnov.ru)

Hot News

The Ministry of Finance will inexpensively buy money from the population to pay benefits and pensions.
The sheep nevertheless voted to erect a monument to the slaughterhouse director. Justification: he chased away the wolves.
Terrorists seized the Massandra wine cellars and for the fourth day have been unable to formulate their demands.
According to a statement by doctors at the Central Clinical Hospital, over the past two days B.N. Yeltsin's condition [fortune] has doubled.
Selling rubles at a price below the manufacturer's. Self-pickup.

Culinary Tricks

Scrambled eggs ("chatterbox"). Take a simple radio receiver, plug it into the mains, and put it on a frying pan. Fry on six sides and pour eggs over it. Eat without turning off the radio.
Corn cakes. Feed a cow with corn. In three hours the cakes will be ready. To make sure, poke them with a pitchfork.
Chinese-style pelmeni. Cook by any method, but strictly 1.5 billion pieces.
English-style meat. Take the meat and leave without saying goodbye.
"Edita Piekha" cake. To prepare it, put it in the oven for 50–60 years. Don't worry, it will look about 40 years old.

Reading "S-INFO"

After a wild night with Gosha, when he left, such an emptiness formed in my soul that I ate a whole pot of soup.
And then he told me that taking off my panties wasn't necessary at all. Even then I thought he was a pervert.
Sometimes I want to give myself to someone just to answer the question tormenting me: am I a virgin?
As soon as we get into bed, it starts: "And where is my little mouse?" And like that for forty minutes. I think: if you didn't play enough hide-and-seek in childhood, go outside with the boys.
When the doctor told me I was pregnant, at first I stood as if struck by thunder. It seemed to me that I would never see my periods again.
Of course, watching football, reading the newspaper, acting smart, lying under the car—that's his job. Whereas cooking, doing laundry, fucking him—that's mine...

CLASSIFIEDS

WANT TO BUY:

A gilded chain for an "UKRAINA" bicycle;
a straitjacket, size 44, in a cheerful color;
insulting acid (in cisterns);
window frames with a sea view;
a kit for hand-sculpting excuses;
cigarettes with imported menthol, validol, dimedrol, and papazol;
white tooth enamel. 4 cans.

FOR SALE:

Shorts with a hood;
a washing machine on caterpillar tracks. The "caterpillars" are green, frozen;
a mania of decency. Domesticated, doesn't bite;
"Last Breath" air conditioners, providing a vacuum in the room in 8 seconds;
a toilet bowl with direct drainage into the flush tank;
a gas chamber converted for making meat pies.

Based on materials from the newspaper "Art-Mozaika".

Force of habit: while on vacation, policeman Petrovich was catching fish in a lake, and having caught one, brutally beat it with his feet.

to by continue , O.K.?