Jokes - Jokes are off topic.

 ── Jokes are off topic ──

  - Remember, son: only the early bird
“you get the worm,” he said morally
father to son. - That’s why you need to get up early-
vat.
  - What about the worm? - asked the boy-
chick. “Isn’t he a fool for getting up early?”
are you birds?
  “You’re wrong,” he said, after thinking.
father.  - This worm didn’t lie down at all.
to sleep - he was returning home from a party.

              ────────────── 

  Two friends stopped in a small
hotel. In the morning one asks the other:
  - Well, how did you sleep?
  - Very bad. In my bed there was
there was a dead flea.
  - So she couldn’t bother you.
  - She couldn’t, but at her funeral and
the wake brought together about fifty relatives
cov.

              ────────────── 

  A very tall customer enters a department store
and tries on shoes. All numbers turn out to be
too small for him. Finally they bring
shoes size 49.
  - And this number is small.
  Thenthe seller says gloomily:
  - Sorry, sir, but after the 49th time -
The suitcases are already starting.

              ────────────── 

  - Do you love me? - caresses, asks
she.
  “Of course,” he answers.
  -Will you marry me?
  - What is your habit of always changing
topic of conversation?!

              ────────────── 

  Into a prison cell (the case takes place in South-
noah America) push three people.
The prisoners begin to get to know each other
to warm up.
  - Why did you get caught? - they ask the first one -
th.
  - Because I am against the president.
  - And you? - they ask the second one.
  - Because I am for the president.
  - Why did you get here? - turn to
third.
  - Because I'm the president.

              ────────────── 

  - Do you know what it is?cigarette?
  - ?
  - Poison stick with a light on one
end and suicide on the other.

              ────────────── 

  Teacher Hansen was taken to the hospital
and after assistance was provided, he was placed in the ward.
  - Car accident? - interested-
the neighbor poked his head in.
  - No, there's a typo in the chemistry textbook.

              ────────────── 

  - The colors of the Norwegian flag are the same as
and American: red, white and blue, -
the owner of the farm tells the American,
going to spend the summer in the mountains of Norway. -
I always remember them when they send me
tax notice: blushing,
Having beamed it, I turn white when I see the amount of tax
gov, and turn blue when I write a dishonored check
that one
  - It’s the same with me: - sadly yes-
says the American, - only I also have
stars are pouring out of your eyes...

              ────────────── 

  A man runs into the police and says:
  - I came to surrender to the authorities.
  - What did you do?
  - I hit my wife...
  - And they killed her?
  - What do you! Didn't even scratch it.
  - Well, it's nothing. You can go.
  - No way! She is standing behind this door.

              ────────────── 

  Priest to the boy:
  - Do you say a prayer before eating?
  - No. My mother is a good cook.

              ────────────── 

  SERVANT (to his master's neighbor): Mister
Jones says hello to you and asks for information.
to claim that he shot his dog, which
Paradise kept you from sleeping with her howling and barking.
  NEIGHBOUR.   Convey my gratitude
Mr. Jones and ask him if there will be
he is kind enough to poison his daughter
or at least burn her piano.

              ────────────── 

  An aspiring singer to a professor:
  - Do you think it’s good for anything?
my voice?
  - Of course, what a strange question! When
there is no price for it in a fire or shipwreck!

              ────────────── 

  - Have you already heard? - asks the Australian
your friend. - Our neighbor broke his head -
catch!
  - How did this happen?
  - He bought a new boomerang, and the old one...
grew up

              ────────────── 

  The airline director reprimands him
ship's mandir:
  - I would like you to choose from now on
words when addressing passengers
jet.
  - What happened?
  - The other day, while landing, you said
passengers into the microphone: "Before we arrive-
let's land, I would like to take advantage of the opportunity
tea and say goodbye to everyone!"

              ────────────── 

  High in the mountains, a hunter climbed a steep
that slope with your guide. Suddenly
he slipped, but stayed on his feet.
  “Yes,” he drawled, “it’s good that I didn’t
broke his leg. And I can’t even imagine how
If only you could get me out of here. Could I
let me down?
  -  I think yes.  One day I was dragged out of here
shot boar weighing almost a cent-
ner. True, in three steps.

              ────────────── 

  Private Smith was ordered to clean the bucket
potatoes.
  - In our space age, the army is already
there must be a machine for peeling potatoes, -
muttered Smith.
  - Of course, and you imagine her last -
new model,” answered the sergeant.

              ────────────── 

  -What are you cutting out of the newspaper?
  - A note about the man who demanded
divorce because his wife is rummaging through his
pockets.
  - What will you do about it?
  - I'll put it in my pocket.────────────── 

  JUDGE. What prompted you to hit your wife?
  DEFENDANT. Judge for yourself, your honor, she
stood with her back to me, under my arm would-
la frying pan, and the door was behind me
open.  Well, how could you not use it?
such a favorable coincidence of circumstances
bodies?

              ────────────── 

  One student said that he would earn money
Lyon, teaching his dog to talk.
  - Well, who will give you a million for the speaker?
dog?
  “It’s just like that - no one,” admitted the student.
dent.  - But the manufacturers producing
canned food for dogs, they would have paid
please, just to keep him quiet...

              ────────────── 

  The hostess, hiring a new maid,
sews:
  - Tell me, honey, do you like parrots?- Don't worry, madam, I eat everything.

              ────────────── 

  In a small American town, a surgeon
local hospital asks the owner
store:
  - How many motorcycles have you sold this year?
month?
  - Twenty pieces.
  - I wonder where the other three went?

              ────────────── 

  -You did amazing today
mushrooms,” the husband said to his wife, satisfied with the nourishing
lunch. -Where did you find the recipe for making them?
laziness?
  - In one detective novel.

              ────────────── 

  - What a hollow! What a hollow! What a hollow!
  - Why did you repeat this phrase three times?
- the patient asks the dentist.
  - I only said it once. Twice
repeated the echo.

              ────────────── 

  A hare enters the grocery store.
  - Do you have cocoa? - he asks
owner.
  - No, we don't have cocoa.
  The next day the hare comes to
this shop.
  - Do you have cocoa? - he asks
owner.
  - No, we don't have cocoa.
  On the third day the hare comes there again
same.
  - Do you have cocoa? - he asks.
  The enraged owner shouts:
  - We don't have cocoa, but if you come
once again, I will nail your ears to the
shop!
  The next day the hare comes to
shop,
  - Do you have nails? - he asks.
  - We don't have nails! - the owner yells.
  - In that case, maybe you have
cocoa?..

              ────────────── 

    The Scotsman says to his wife:
    - Since we began to give ours -
to Arthur for a good penny mark, he
brings home only A's!
  - Looks like he shares the proceeds with the teacher...

              ────────────── 

  A Dane resting in the wilderness in summer
village, were treated to homemade schnapps
cooking. Having drunk a glass, he turned pale,
turned green and, with difficulty catching his breath, asked:
  - How many degrees are there in this potion?
  “As for the degrees,” said the owner, “not
I know.  But one bottle is enough for two
a lot of fights and one murder...

              ────────────── 

  Call the police.
  - Urgent order for Capuchin Boulevard, house
five, fourth floor, left. Wife beating-
She eats her husband with anything, and he screams terribly.
  -  Challenge accepted.  We'll send the outfit. And you
who, neighbor?
  - No. I'm the husband.

              ────────────── 

    - Darling, you will please me very much -
linen  I ran the red light three times
and no one has ever fined me. On se-
with the cash I bought myself three new ones
hats.

              ────────────── 

  A buyer comes to a pet store and...
irritably says to the seller:
  - When I bought a parrot, you assured
me that he's a talker, but he's all day
is silent.
  - Do you have women in your house?
  - Even two.
  - Ah... Then listen to the parrot at night.

              ────────────── 

  Came to the burglar condemned to death
priest
  - My son, confess your sins,
so that the doors of heaven do not remain closed
for you...
  - What? There are no doors that I don't
I could open it!

              ────────────── 

  - If you stop drinking, I will appoint you
I'm the head of the department.
  - Don't bother yourself. When I drink I
I imagine myself as the CEO
rum

              ────────────── 

  - What's wrong with you, why are you so angry?
  - My new husband just called
ex-wife and threw a tantrum, why did I
for three years I didn’t teach her how to cook soup with fries
Kadelki!

              ────────────── 

  The phone rings at the police station.
  - Help, help! - heard in
tube. - Help!
  “We’re leaving now,” says the inspector.
- But what happened?
  - A cat burst into the room!
  - Excuse me, monsieur, but because of such trifles -
Cove the police don't bother. Who are you?
  - Who is this? A parrot, of course!

              ────────────── 

   The wife was away and called her husband:
   - How is my cat?
   - She died.
   - What a horror! Couldn't you tell
Tell me more delicately about this! For example,
she supposedly sits on the roof. And then you would
said that she fell and was broken. It's clear?
  -Quite.
  - How is my mother?
  - Sits on the roof.

              ────────────── 

    Two ladies are talking about marriage.
    “It seems to me,” says one, “that
marriage resembles a mirage in the desert - with
palaces, palm trees and camels. Then use
scratches the palace, behind it the palm trees and, finally,
you are left with one camel.

              ────────────── 

  MILKMAN.  Did you add water to your tank today?
loko?
  NEW HELP. Yes sir.
  MILKMAN.  Don't you know what it is
immoral?
  HANDY. Yes, sir, but you yourself said...
whether...
  MILKMAN. I told you that you need to first-
pour water into the can, and then add
pour milk there.  Then we are in complete agreement
we can say that we are not diluting
milk with water.

              ────────────── - You told Eva that she was a fool. And now
please say that you regret this, -
mother says to her son.
  - Eva, I’m very sorry that you’re a fool...

              ────────────── 

  A recently married doctor received a call
lay down and invited me to a game of bridge.
  “There’s an urgent call,” the doctor explained, speaking
Pick up the phone.
  - Something very serious?  - asked
worried young wife seeing that
The husband quickly gets dressed.
  - Yes, extremely! Three doctors are already there!

              ────────────── 

  At the pet store.
  - I need 276 bedbugs, 524 cockroaches, 18
mice and 5 rats.
  - For what?
  - They are evicting me from my house and demanding that
I left it in the same condition as
who he was before my arrival.

              ────────────── 

  The company announcedcompetition for the best
economics proposal. The winner will receive
a premium of 25 pounds was read. The Scot won
the guy who proposed reducing the bonus to
10 lbs.

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