Two men talking about
sex. One of them says:
- I came up with a cool pose here,
in which we have sex with
wife: I remove the door from the closet,
I put it at one end on
bed, others - on the closet,
the angle turns out to be approximately 45o.
Then I climb onto the closet and
I slide down the door straight onto him
bed where my wife is already waiting for me
with legs spread. Try it
you'll like it.
The next day the second one calls
angry on the phone to him:
- What, you bastard, couldn’t
tell me what you need from the door
take out the key?
* * *
A man crashed his car while parking
pillar left wing, after which
I brought the car to the auto repair shop.
A few days later he
picks it up, but here’s the problem:
on his way home he crashes about
tree right wing.
- How will they look at me tomorrow?
car service workers? - says
he to his wife.
Wife, sympathetically:
- It's okay, you can
to say that it was I who dented the wing.
- What do you think I am to them?
said for the first time?
* * *
A man asks his friend:
- Why so sad?
- Yes, I had it before
cool mistress, drink
I loved, it happened when I got drunk -
she gave me such a blowjob, just
fly away. But then I firmly decided
stop drinking.
- And what?
- Since then he hasn’t drunk or put it in his mouth.
takes...
* * *
When visiting a doctor for the first time
Ivanov complained that he had
it hurtsthroat, and he immediately
tonsils removed. For the second time
he said he was in pain
stomach - and he immediately
The appendix was cut out. When he
came to the appointment for the third time and
the doctor asked:
- Well, what are you complaining about?
Ivanov refused to answer:
he had a headache...
* * *
There is a war going on, explosions, shells
flying. Suddenly to the soldiers (C) in
The commander (K) drops into the trench and
says:
- Hey guys, there's a nurse there.
gives to everyone!
- S: does it give you money?
- K: gives
- S: does he give it to you in the ass?
- K: gives
- S: does he put it in his mouth?
- K: if you find the head then
will take...
* * *
A drunkard is standing on the bus with
glass in hand and muttering something
under your breath:
- Mmmm, for this? No. Mmmm, for
this? ...
Suddenly the controller comes in:
- Citizens passengers, I will ask for
passage!
The drunkard raises his head:
- That's right, GO!
* * *
There are two Georgians in the bathhouse.
- Gogi, give me a song
Will you sing and I’ll pick up the soap?
- So there is no soap on the floor. Where is it
Givi?
- And right there, under the bench.
- Where?
Gogi bends down and then Givi hits him
ass inserted a member with the words:
- It's not good to lie, right?
* * *
The son-in-law and mother-in-law are digging up the garden.
The mother-in-law works in a helmet. At my son-in-law's
ask:
- Why is your mother-in-law wearing a helmet?
- What am I, every time
I want to dust off the shovel, to
Should I run over the fence?
* * *
Inscription on the tombstone (epitaph):
You laughed! You were angry!
I sufferedsobbing from resentment!
Make sure now, GOATS,
That my sick leave was not
fake!!!
* * *
The doorbell rings. The husband opens it.
I'm the Boston Woman Strangler
- says the one standing on the threshold
man in a mask.
The husband turns and screams
to my wife:
- Honey, this is for you!
* * *
The maid comes to the house of the new
Russian to get a job.
The hostess shows the house and between
asks questions in action.
- Tell me, how do you feel about
parrots?
- Don't worry, I eat everything.
* * *
Ilya Muromets is walking across the field. Sees
- The Serpent Gorynych is sitting. Well, that one
sneaked up on him and cut him off
head. Zmey Gorynych has two
has grown. Ilya cut down two for him -
four grew! He cut down four -
grown eight!!! And so on...
And that's when Ilya Muromets cut down
65535 heads, Zmey Gorynych
died...
Because it was 16-bit.
* * *
At war one soldier says
to another:
- If either of us two
will kill you, I will inform yours about it
wife.
* * *
- Money all evening today
laundered.
- What kind of business are you?
did you do it?
- Not me. Cat in the wallet
shit.
* * *
Security guard - prisoner:
- On your way out, your wife came to see you.
- Oh, tell me I'm not at home!
* * *
- Do you have a border here?
- Yes!
- Are there any border dogs?
- Otherwise!
-Where did you get the dogs?
- They didn’t get it anywhere, it’s just
they made the borderwhere are the dogs
live...
* * *
Vasily Ivanovich and Petka bought
goat Milking the first day - 3
liters, day 2 - 2 liters, day 3
- 1 liter. The dissatisfied led
goat to the vet. After inspection
he says:
- The goat is certainly a jerk, but
will live.
* * *
Cop looking at the ABC book:
- Well, where is the letter of the law here?
* * *
Two old friends meet.
Well, there’s a market for life and that’s it
such. One from the other and
asks:
-Are you married?
- Yes.
- And you?
- No.
- Why then do you have an engagement card?
ring on your hand?
- Well, I’m married...
* * *
- Doctor, I would like you to
talked to my wife.
- What's the matter?
- You see, she told me,
what about every time I'm with her
I have sex, I owe her
pay 40 dollars. 40
dollars, doctor!
- Yes, this happens sometimes.
Obviously your wife has a complex
Electra, burdened
neurotic syndrome,
superimposed on the circulatory
dynamics of erotic-limbic
pulsations coupled with vegetative
dystonia.
- Yes, this is all clear to me. to me
it's unclear why I owe her
pay 40 if from everyone
she takes the rest of my friends
20 each?
* * *
HR worker
fills out the applicant application form
job:
- Profession and education?
- Driver, first class.
* * *
- Doctor, I,... what’s his name,...Sidorov. I have... this...
sclerosis!
- Ah... Petrov! Well, with your...
as you said... diarrhea? -
this is...what's his name...to the ophthalmologist!
* * *
- It’s so good that you are today
back from work early! I'm no longer
I can handle our son.
- What did he do today?
- When we were walking home from school,
he asked me what he was selling
on the corner this one is painted
a girl in a very short skirt?
- Well, it's just a keen interest,
good curiosity. This is not the case
nothing bad!
- Yes, but an hour later he broke
your piggy bank!
* * *
Gaston, late for work
car service, proudly declares:
- I came late because
took my wife to the gynecologist, I
Looks like she's pregnant!
All of it, of course,
congratulations. After lunch wife
Gaston calls the car service, but
her husband is busy at the time
repairs. Then she says
To the employee who answered the phone:
- Please pass it on
Gaston that I'm not pregnant. This
just aerophagia (for those
who doesn't know - swallowing
air). In the evening Gaston
comes home from work angry and yells:
- Why the hell are you doing this to him?
did you say? Today everything is just
they did what they needed to do
me: "Gaston, come here, we
I need your thing to do that
pump up the tire!"
* * *
We recommend a simple way out
delicate situation.
Having met a lady in the evening, you
to heroffer together
have breakfast. If she
agrees, ask another one
question:
- Should I call you or push you?
* * *
Greedy:
- This is my dining room... behind this
table, God forbid, maybe
fits 20 people.
* * *
- Yesterday I met my classmates.
They are like roses!
- What, have they blossomed?
- No, they disbanded.
* * *
One new Russian to another:
- Damn, I bought myself a projection one
TV for 3.5 bucks, and
the cat jumped on him and
pissed in the back cover... 600
I paid a buck for the repair...
- And you didn’t bang her???
- No... (sadly) - she’s a thing
worth the bucks!
* * *
Vasily Ivanovich:
- Petka, where is Anka?
lost?
Petka:
- Yes, it’s already the second day in
lies in bed with appendicitis.
V.I. (after thinking for a second):
- So, Appendicitis
shoot, and Anka to me
headquarters
* * *
Two women met
street. One says:
- Just imagine,
neighbor, my eldest daughter now
works in a brothel!
The second one answers:
- She was always very
sociable child!
* * *
A man (M) comes to the insurance company
company and speaks loudly
voice:
- Insure me!!!
The employee answers:
- Young man, it’s not good to do that.
express yourself publicly
(M): - What, insure it sounds
better?
* * *
The parents named their sonIzyaslav
and he took advantage of it,
introducing himself here and there as Glory, and
in some places - Izey.
* * *
The girl posted it on the Internet
dating advertisement. Mother
asks:
- And did you receive many letters?
- More than a hundred!!!
- Do you see how many men you
interested!
- Yeah... And among them is ours
daddy...
* * *
The pastor reads the sermon:
- Alcohol is your enemy number
one. You will definitely get drunk
quarrel with your wife, fight
for a revolver and being drunk
you'll definitely miss
* * *
- Girl, sit down, I’ll give you a ride!
- Yes, I don’t have time, I have to go...
* * *
A man breaks into a women's bathhouse
grabs the first woman he comes across
and let's fuck her. She starts
shout to the whole bathhouse:
- Women, beat him with gangs,
...shayushechki, ...shayushechki,
shaaaaa women shaaaaaaa...
* * *
EU states have adopted new
noise and exhaust standards for
passenger aircraft. On
closed meeting Russian
government discussed responses
measures. To our correspondent
managed to talk with one of
participants of the meeting, which
briefly described these measures
as follows:
- They don’t like IL-62? We'll send
Su-27.
* * *
- I would like to wish that people
make fewer mistakes!
- No need! We have it too
birth rate is low!
* * *
In the hospital:
- Sister, sister, and he’s into methrew a chair.
- Well, why are you yelling, and you are at him
Kinte chair.
- Yes? And how do I hit him with a chair?
I'll throw it if I have loose stools?!
* * *
Least favorite saying
parachutists:
- There is no third option
(for those who don't know -
parachute 2: main and reserve)
* * *
APHORISMS:
A new science has appeared in Russia
(crossing CYBERNETICS and
MATHEMATICS) - KEBENEMATICS
* * *
Aphorism of a psychoanalyst: Sex
shit before eating. P.S. Signs
punctuation and intonation to choose from
* * *
Vodka "Buratino" - feel it
yourself with firewood!
* * *
From changing the places of terms...
God put a dick on a man and
turned out to be a MAN.
God put man on the f*ck and
turned out to be a WOMAN.
* * *
NEWS:
Citizen Simonenko served time in
maximum security colony almost
three years and no improvement
I managed - the amnesty got in the way.
* * *
The Prime Minister of the Russian Federation believes that
government over the last 10
months "almost didn't do
not a single mistake."
And it didn't do anything at all.
* * *
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Petrova S.N. they ask you to bring
one photo size 30x40
centimeters for stand
"The police are looking for them."
* * *
We offer equity participation in
your drink.
* * *
TYPO:
Cocoa-Cola!
* * *ARMENIAN RADIO:
- So you deny the biofield. A
how to explain that Japanese
Did the girl break a brick with her hand?
- Because the girl is Japanese, and
brick - domestic.
* * *
- It's true that as a rule,
beauties are empty and stupid, but
if she's smart, then for some reason
ugly?
- Well, why? There are
exceptions to the rules, for example -
"stupid ugly thing!"
* * *
HUMOR:
- How many employees are needed?
company support services
Microsoft to replace
light bulb?
- Four. First to find out
registration number of the light bulb.
Second to ask:
"And you reboot
have you tried it?"
Third to ask:
"Have you tried it?
reinstall?"
And the fourth one is to say:
"It's something with your iron.
the light bulb works in our office
great!"
────────────────────────────────
Well, how do you like this number?
Like?
Coming soon
the next number will be there too
very cheerful, and in it
there will still be a lot of good ones
jokes.
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I collect (collect) 100%
working diagrams of radio bugs,radio microphones, TV and others
transmitters.
Send diagrams to: 230010
Grodno Ya.Kupay 64/107 or
via ZX-NET network: 500:152/5.25
Great advance cnacu6o!
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provided anecdotes.
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