Why do guys wear earrings?
ears?
- Very simple: if the earring is in
the left ear is a homosexual,
and if the earring is in the right ear - this is
pederast. Understood?
- Understood. But I didn’t understand why
what's the difference between a pederast and
homosexual.
- Well, I’m telling you:
homosexual earring in left
ear, and the bugger - in the right!
* * *
Girls' refusals (and their real
values):
- I treat you like a brother
(you're the last one I nominated
I will consider it).
- We have some difference in
years (you're a rotten wreck).
- I'm not attracted to you
"in this" sense (you are the most
the ugliest scumbag of them all,
the likes of which I have ever seen).
- I need to figure myself out
I'm full without such a moron
hahaley).
- I already have a boyfriend (if
that's what you can call my cat).
- I don't have affairs with
work colleagues (I didn’t want
would communicate with you, even if
if you and I worked in different
cities).
- It's not about you, it's about me
(It's not about me, it's about you).
- I want to concentrate on
your career (even such
boring job like mine
better than dating you).
- I took a vow of celibacy (after
towards such idiots
exactly).
- Let's remain friends (I would
I wanted to talk to you and
talk about all the men with
whom I meet and
having sex).* * *
Prehistoric era. Father is watching
in his son's diary and says:
- Of course, I can understand that
that you have bad grades
geography, mathematics, language,
but according to history, which
just 2 pages...
* * *
The wallpaper must be glued so that it does not
there were bubbles.
And exactly. So my godfather and I took 2
bubble and nothing worked out for us
* * *
Visits the doctor for an appointment
dupel drunk and sick. Doctor,
turning around and sulking
looking at the patient:
- Oh,.., another drinker.
- You're offending me, doctor. Professional!
* * *
There is a computer science lesson at school.
Children fill the program.
The bell rang. teacher
goes to the main switch and
turns off the electricity. Children
indignantly:
- We didn't survive!
Teacher turning on the switch:
- Save...
* * *
A man looks like one dude
jumps from the tower and, having reached
earth, does not break, but
jumps up. Fucked up
a man asks this dude, in
than the secret, and he tells him:
- You must be firm
confident that you are a ball.
An even crazier man
climbs a tower, jumps
down and thinks to himself: "I
ball, I'm a ball, I'm a ball, what if
if I were a tomato?"... SMACK!!!
* * *
The Chukchi runs along the seashore in
fur coat It will plunge in and out,
plunges in and comes out. Suitable for
himRussian:
- What are you doing, Chukchi?
- I wash my fur coat, however.
- Why not in the washing machine?
does it work?
- It turns out, only the head
circles.
* * *
One fidoshnik comes to another
for your birthday. Brings
a postcard, so fancy,
terribly beautiful, beautiful on her
in letters 'Congratulations on
Happy Birthday!'
The birthday boy opens a card and
there in big clumsy letters
written: 'SABZH'
* * *
- Your wife can gallop
stop?
- When she’s without makeup, you’re the one
stand on end
* * *
AMBIGUITY:
Neurotic girl
* * *
RIDDLE:
Little yellow in the sand
poking around?
(The Vietnamese is looking for a mine.)
Little yellow in the air
tumbling?
(Found.)
TYPO:
Ilya Muromets and three bubbles
* * *
- Would you trade your wife for two
beautiful?
- Nope!
- How about four?
- Nope.
- What about KamAZ?
- And the beautiful KamAZ?
* * *
- Do you, comrade, have children?!
- No and there won’t be!
- Why!
- I wanted to go on the subway for free
slip through.
- So what?
- It didn’t work out
* * *
The police school is recruiting for
paid accelerated annual
training courses to work with
police whistle.
* * *
- Sarochka! You wore a dress on
inside out!
- How did you guess, Abrasha?
seam?
- No, for shit
* * *
Manenters the games room
machine guns There's a new machine
put on: a game of “Guess.”
A man approaches the machine,
throws a coin, pulls the pen and
suddenly... it pours on him from above
something thick and smelly and immediately
the inscription appears: “What is this?”
The man exhales:
- Shit!!!
- PRIZE GAME!
* * *
The prisoner was killed with particular cruelty
in prison. After death he got
to heaven and was awarded personal
meeting with the Lord God.
- With your suffering you redeemed
all your sins! - exclaimed
God. - Now ask for something
you want - any desire will be
completed.
Zek thought for a while and then
blurted out:
- A glass of chifir and two
pi#arasov!
* * *
New Russian (NR) approaches
casino, walks through the doors and then
something right on his jacket
drunk burped. NV gets it
weave:
- Givi, take one goat here,
take it to a landfill, you'll be fucked and
throw it away.
- Oh! Okay boss
HP sit down to play roulette and
remembers something, takes out a hundred
and calls
- Yes, Givi, go to the dealer and pick him up
money, and then take him to
dump and cut off his head.
- Oh! Okay boss
HP played roulette, leaves
casino and walks along the sidewalk and here
he is splashed by the passing
"Zhiguli". HP takes out a hundred:
- Givi, where are you now?
- Yes, I’m taking these two to the landfill...
- Find the owner of the red Zhiguli
number MVLZ2CHSU take him to
dump and shoot.
- Oh! Okay boss
Givi gathered everyonebrings three
to the landfill, and the first guy is his
begs:
- Givi, Givi, don’t confuse me -
Fuck in the ass!
* * *
Two people leave the circus and
talking:
- The magician really worked
miracles! He pulled everything out of a hat
more and more rabbits!
- No. Those two worked miracles
rabbits who were sitting in a hat.
* * *
Yesterday a young civilian pilot
aviation Ivanov for the first time overcame
sound barrier - he could
insert a word in your dialogue
mothers-in-law with neighbors in the country
* * *
Pinocchio the Jew came to the synagogue
and said:
- Make a sawing for me.
ARMENIAN RADIO:
- What is the difference between a boy and a bun?
from a girl's kolobok?
- Kolobok girl is rolling
is rolling, and the bun is a boy
rolls and jumps rolls and
will jump.
APHORISM:
Twice two is four, wholesale -
three, by bank transfer -
five
ANNOUNCEMENT: I will buy a pager with
diagonal 5cm! Tel.555-**-**
* * *
A foreign car pulled into the parking lot,
the girl got out of it and walked
about your business. After a while
time returns, sets in
trying to start the car...
it doesn't work. She approaches
the nearby Volga and
asks the driver:
- Could you look at that?
with my car? Driver
"Volga":
- ...yes, you ran out of gas.
Girl:
- How far is it to the gas station?
Driver:
- Two kilometers.
Girl:
- Ahow much gasoline is needed to
get to the gas station?
Driver:
- One liter is enough.
Girl:
- Could you lend me some
one liter of gasoline?
Driver:
- Of course, of course...
He takes a hose out of the trunk,
pushes it into his gas tank and,
pointing to the other end
hose, says to the girl:
- I should suck it.
Girl:
- What, for 1 liter of gasoline?!
* * *
A millionaire is being interviewed:
- What is the secret of your success?
- Patience, my friend, patience.
- But I can name a thousand
things where nothing will help
patience!
- For example?
- Carry water in a sieve...
- You're wrong, you just have to take it
sieve and wait for winter
* * *
- Dad! Why did you marry
mom?
The husband turns to his wife and
says:
- You see, even a child
surprised!
* * *
- Jane, it seems to me that your
boyfriend is very shy -
says the mother to her daughter.
- Shy? This is not the right word!
- Why don’t you cheer me up?
a little bit of it? Some men
courtship needs to be taught.
“Yes, I tried,” the daughter answers.
- Last night, for example, when
you weren't at home, I sat down on
sofa And he is in the chair opposite,
as far as possible. Then I
asked if he thought
It's strange that the length of a man's arm
and girl's waist size
match? And what do you think he
did?
- Like what? What I would do
any guy in his place.
- So: he askedme
bring a piece of string,
to measure his hand and mine
waist
* * *
A new Russian comes to the doctor and
says:
- My lips were cut off in a fight. on you
a piece of bucks and send me new ones.
Doctor: - We only have sexual intercourse
yes.
NR: - Well, sew on the genitals.
HP comes again a week later
to the doctor:
- What the hell is this? I look in the mirror
- the member stands up, I look at the member -
lips are shaking.
* * *
:)
The king somehow decided to give his
mature, beautiful daughter
married The grooms have arrived
(respectively): French,
American and (naturally)
Russian. King, kind soul
man, and announces to them: “I will give
I am a daughter for the one who will have
member is about three meters tall. A
if none of you have, to
tomorrow, such a fucking thing,
Therefore, after scientific measurements,
They'll cut you off right away!" And they led
guards of the poor's bridegrooms
white hands in the apartment
protected. They became sad
let's call on mobile phones,
help click. We moved in together
to a Frenchman all European doctors,
to the rescue. And let's stuff him
various medications: hormones,
anabolics, steroids. How
just didn’t increase it
just didn’t do it, it comes out the next morning
the Frenchman takes scientific measurements, and
war piece only 1.45
it turned out. There's an executioner for him
with a hatchet - once, and away you go
French man's dignity.
American andeven more so, doctors
called - the entire world elite
got ready. What they didn’t do
with it, they even implanted silicone
poor fellow, look at a couple more
hours of work and you're done. An
no. Morning crept up unnoticed.
They brought him in for measurements, lo and behold,
2.89. And he was dismembered. And
our fiance doesn’t have a mobile phone
it turned out. He thought - he thought
grieved - grieved, and went to sleep
fell over. And in his dreams there is God
appears and says: “Well
Ivan. Do you need anything?"
Ours answers him: “In total
just a little: a member of about three
meters". God says to him:
"If you need 3 meters, click
fingers (click), but how to get back,
in your size - in your hands
clap (clap)." It's morning here
it has arrived. They brought him to
measuring instruments, trousers
they took it off, and they asked: “Where,
I mean, is the thing yours?" And ours,
don't be a fool, fingers
(click), BA! Exactly 3 meters! Here and
the wedding was played. And let's go
young people to the bedchamber, first
to do on the wedding night. Ours
put the princess against the wall
crustacean, moved three meters away,
the chair sat comfortably, took it out,
fingers (click):
- Got it?
- Nope.
- (clap), (moves a little),
(click) Got it?
- Nope.
- (clap), (moves a little more),
(click) Got it?
- Got it!
- Well, here we go!!! (clap, click,
clap, clap, clap, clap, clap,
click...)
* * *
-What animal does it look like?
wandTraffic police officer?
- To the zebra.
- ???
- Well... The stripe is black, the stripe
white, black stripe, stripe
white, and at the end ASS on two
feet
* * *
Two pensioners are sitting in the park on
bench, talking. Passes by
fashion model. The old men follow her:
- Yeah!
One says:
- I wish I was 40 years old now
If I were younger, I would fuck her.
-Are you a fool? One minute
pleasure, and then another forty
years of work
* * *
My husband reads a newspaper at breakfast.
His wife tries to call him
conversation:
- Yesterday I visited the doctor...
- Really? And how does he behave
feels?
* * *
- Dear, tell me how you like me
I missed you.
- How, how, WITH YOUR HANDS
TYPO:
Endless Flesh
HUMOR OF THE DAY:
You've been living in too long
Holland if you:
- Don’t run to the police to report it
about another stolen
bike, but just steal
neighborly
- Don’t get annoyed if
completely deserted beach
new arrival family
located exactly five
meters from you.
- We are absolutely sure that "dick"
is a polite way of addressing
to a man.
- The most harmless joke
about Dutch football
take it as an insult
personally to you, your wife, your
children and all relatives up to
seventh generation.
- You panic if
looking around in the middle
deserted landscape, you don’t see
at leastat least ten people.
- Sit down for dinner at 17:30
exactly.
- Reading the price tag on the aquarium window
with a corrupt woman
wondering if it’s included in
cost sales tax.
* * *
- Easily distinguished by smell
Surinamese and Indonesian
marijuana.
- You know how to make love
bicycle
- You do not name your country of residence
"Holland" and "Netherlands".
APHORISM:
"Pi$dato" - good, "Hu#vo" -
bad... So why
"Awesome" 2 times better than
"Pi$dato"?!
--------------------------------
Ab'yavy!
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