Humor - Jokes, jokes.

 
Announcement in the dining room:
- Do not put your fingers or eggs into the salt shaker!
                  
- Why do you want to divorce your wife?
- I can't live with her. She is harmful and stupid
good woman!             
- Why did you decide that?  
- So every morning she goes to the bathroom and
sinks my boats there!
  
 An ant is walking through the forest and suddenly sees it dead
the elephant is lying in the bushes. The ant looked around
settled in behind and let's kick the elephant in the ass
fuck. And I got so carried away that I didn’t notice how
the animals gathered around. And when I noticed, you-
wiped sweat from his forehead and said:
- Damn it, I fucked you to death again!
  
 A man comes to the store: 
- Tell me, is your fish fresh?
“I don’t know,” the seller answers. “I’m only here.”
to the second month of the ra-
I'm working.     
  
 Stirlitz burst into the night bar shouting:
- I’ll chop you, bitches!!!
 The bitches chipped in a ruble and Stirlitz left.
   
 A man meets a bear in the forest.  
“Who are you?” asks the bear.   
- I am a tourist.
- But that’s wrong!
I am a tourist, and you are
tourist breakfast...
 
Wife to husband:
- Syoma, drink kefir so that
you're dead, you need
get better!
 
 Vovochka received a double grade for her answer in class
ku. He took a pistol out of his pocket and pointed
forward to teacher: 
- Maybe you’ll think about it? 
The teacher takes out a machine gun from under the table:
- What is there, actually, to think?... 
    
  
 An airplane is flying. And suddenly the chief pilot
becomes hystericallaugh. Frightened stu-
The ardess asks what's the matter.    
- Yes, damn it, I imagined how amazing
everything is curled in 
madhouse, when 
will find that I 
escaped!   
      
Teacher 
Vovochka is smiling - 
to my father: 
- You know, your 
son swears, 
fights against everyone 
is pestering!
- Hey, Vovka, I'll kill him in the x..th!       
A week later the teacher calls again: 
- You know, Vovochka is completely babbling - he
doesn't show up at school at all!
- So this...I himthanks to x..й !    
  
   
  
 
 Subjects on page: 
- Доктор, мансся, я я лесиян.
- Лесбиян ? Любопытно... And this page-
является ?
- Pictures, snowflake snowflakes-
чин, а мея почему-то тянет к женшинам.
 
- Happy Birthday ! And just before... 
- Get it back !                
- Then, if you... have a good.
 
 The neighbor comes running to Vovochka’s father:
- Little Johnny in the bushes 
eats a goat!         
- How?! Today 
Thursday is my turn!
  
- Doctor, help me-
everyone ignores me! 
- Next!.. 






 The largest S... agency in Russia
offers services: nannies (pregnant women, anyin-
age of children). *Advertising in a newspaper. Interesting,
who needs pregnant nannies with children?..
 
 Kitchen hatchet for studying demand
buyers. *Price tag in the store "1000 me-
loches". Convenient, however, hatchet demand
study... 
  
 Martial Arts School
invites everyone 
 get no barter.
 It's better to walk with a swollen bart-
rum than with beaten lysine!
 
Надпись на двери туалета:
* Вытирая nony, осторожным будь
 плотная бумага -
        к травматизмy путь !
        
   Студенческая парта 
                
*  Я смотрю в унитаз хохоча-  
     У меня голубая моча,     
    У меня фиолетовый кал-    
 Я сегодня дальтоником стал...
                        
* Даже если спирт замёрзнет-  
    I won’t leave him anyway.    
    I will gnaw it with my teeth - 
   because he... is good! 
              
The more oak trees in the army... 

* First you drink vodka, and then you go
those red ones, like cucumbers...
 
* Here I am married, and my wife doesn’t smoke even in her mouth
doesn't take it!
 
-Ivanov! Why didn't you take off your gas mask?
-Yes, I took it off!
-Oh, and your face!      
  
Moscow 
Olympics.Brezh- 
Nev reads at- 
cnoptcmeham message:
- Oh! ABOUT! Oh! and looks at the piece of paper in surprise.
An assistant runs up to him from behind:
- Leonid Ilyich! These are the Olympic rings!
Text below!.. 
  
 Granny at the gynecologist's appointment.
- Grandma, you are pregnant! And how are you
did you manage?!
- Yes, all the grandchildren are damned! Tell them everything
show me, let me try...
 
 The dentist says to the patient:
- No need to open so wide
mouth.
- But you yourself said that
must insert a mirror there,
tools...
     - Yes, but I myself stay outside!
  
  
 Announcer announces no radio: 
- The Russian Armenian Radio Choir will perform
Georgian folk song
"B forest no buttocks."
 
 A voice is heard on the bus
conductor:
- Who asked for the stop
"Mail" ? 
- Ya. 
- We just passed.
  
 Mom says to Vovochka: 
- You're looking like Uncle Vasya again -
Did you throw bricks the other day?
- I won't do it anymore...
- And he doesn’t need any more!
 
 Vovochka brought his girlfriend home and locked himself in
her in the room. Mom knocks on the door: 
- Children, what are you doing there?       
- We make love.              
- Just don't smoke!         
 
  
  
 A man arrived in an unfamiliar city. To him
     a prostitute comes up and says:
            - Let's go to the entrance.
  - Why?
         - Let's go, I say!
 They enter the entrance.
         - Unscrew the light bulb.
                - For what ?
         - Unscrew it, I say!
   Unscrewed it. Prostitute spreads her legs:
                 - Sui!
                - For what ?
             - Sui, I say!
 Stuck it in. Pshshh-shsh... 
    - Ah-ah-ah-ah! Not a light bulb!!!
                   











 On the eve of the exercise, the soldier drank his machine gun.
 The foreman, in a rage, gave him three outfits outside
   queue and forced them to line up a machine gun
                made of wood.
- You will run around the field and talk with your tongue:
 “Tr-r-r, tr-r-r”, and there are no targets for you-
 they're shooting down, - he said.
  The exercises have begun. The soldier runs and shouts:
            - T-rr, tr-r-r!.. 
 Look, from behind the hill, screaming "y-y-y", 
 a guy in a flight deck runs out with his arms outstretched
                  form...
   
       
                                  








     Вот и всё, дорогие вы наши. 
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