Humor - Jokes, jokes.

              
              

  As soon as Ilya Muromets gets drunk, immediately
goes to persecute the village. The villagers are tired of this, and
they hired Bruce Lee. He came and killed
Muromets. Ilya is lying in a ditch, swallowing snot,
and grandma walks by:
“Get out, son,” the stunted one left...
- Khana village!!!
 
Baba Yaga caught Ivan Tsarevich and said:
- If you guess my riddle, I’ll give myself to you, not
If you guess it, I'll castrate you!
Ivan agreed. Baba Yaga makes a wish:
- What is it: small, green, on
“la” starts and ends with “gushka”?
“Grasshopper,” answers Ivan Tsarevich.
Baba Yaga:
- You guessed it, naughty girl!

                  


                  
 Vacationers on the beach caught a booby from the sea
rear. They opened it and a letter fell out:
"I live on a desert island. There is no
no shops, no government, no queues.
May you all burst with envy!!!"
 
- Man, stop peeing in the pool!
- So everyone pees in the pool!
- From the jump tower?!
 
 Conversation between two intellectuals:
- Please, how much does this painting cost?
- Oh, I hesitate to answer... 
- Well, my friend!                
- I really don’t know, but I think that 
no less than five million... 
- Rubles?                        
- Dollars!                      
- You can shit yourself!                
                   

 
 A former prisoner got a job in
kindergarten. A commission comes in a month
and sees: all the children are walking in a circle, hands behind
back. Educator
nokpukubaet only:
- Seventeenth, again
onissed?
- You offend, boss-
nickname !
 
 The girl sat down on
bench in the park. K
he immediately started
molest a tramp.
- Leave me alone! I'm a decent woman!
she clicked.
- Wow, decent... - the bro was surprised.
dyara.- Immediately sat down on my bed!

 

 
 Ivan Tsarevich holds the frog by the legs and beats him
on the ground and asks:
- Are you my bride?
The frog is silent. Ivan got angry and...
fuck her against a tree! The frog can't stand it...
la : 
- Kva-a-a-tit for fuck's sake!   
           
- I see, comrade sol- 
dat, you are too smart!  
-Who...am I?              
- Well, it’s not me!           
           
In the restaurant: 
- Waiter, say knife-
please, this is the bill for lunch 
or you are trying to sell 
the whole restaurant for me?      
                         
           

 
              
 * * *
Announcements:

* I will buy 'Dichlorvos' or sell cockroaches!

*You are youngand beautiful?
      Are you attractive and sexy?
       Do you want to work abroad?
 Asphalt pavers are needed in Moldova!

* I'm tearing my claws - money forward!
 * * *
Army jokes:

*Where have you been? In the toilet?! Would you like to go to
went to the theater!

* The fence fell just like yesterday and still stands today
por!
  
*Just know, if I see dangling ends, I’ll break them!

* I don’t understand how you can drink like that! Hy
I drank one, well, another, well, a liter, well, two. Ho
why get drunk?

* Tanks move in small groups no
two or three people..   
 * * * 
 TILI-TILI TEST 'Are you happy?' 
                                    
Select an answer to the question: 
1.Yes, I'm happy (2 points).          
2.No, I'm unhappy (1 point).       
                                    
Now count your points.   
If you score 2 points, we will show you - 
We encourage you: you are happy. If you 
scored only one point, then you, to 
unfortunately, unhappy.             
                  * * * 

 
              
  
 Late in the evening a woman walks home through
park Suddenly he hears:
- Stop!                      
She stops.            
- Lie down!                      
Lies on the ground.               
- Crawl!                      
She crawled.
And suddenly a man’s voice was in my ear: 
- Woman, are you feeling bad? I'm here with 
I'm working on the dog, I see you 
please... 
               
In the hospital lies all the zarinco- 
a man in the bathroom and dictating a letter: 
"Dear publisher! On the page -
ce 24 of your instructions 'How to manage ver-
"I discovered a typo."

 
- Doctor, help me - when my husband finishes his drink
coffee, immediately eats a cup!
- And what... along with the pen?
- No, he doesn’t eat it.
- Strange, it’s the most delicious!
 
 Queue for cucumbers 
in the store. Suitable 
first woman: 
- I want those thatnotohb-
thinner and longer.      
Second: 
- And for me it’s shorter and 
not thicker.             
The mu- 
Zhika.                
The seller asks: 
- Which ones do you want?
- I don’t care, for food...
 

 
 Chinese maid in a hotel treats-
to a Soviet specialist:
- Tovalist inzenel will be nitz tsai or
'nyyeronaxyy' ?
 
- Comrades! Opening the artistic part
evenings dedicated to the fight against Zionism.
The first number on the program is a Zionist
Perdyuk...Sorry, pianist Serdyuk...
 
-Mom, where did I come from?-They found it in the cabbage, Mashenka.
-And brother Tolya?
-The stork brought it.
Masha goes out into the yard and proudly
declares to his friends:
-And my mother is still a virgin!
 
Hey, and now a super joke from
 our readers...

 
 
 
                   
 There are two submarines: American and
Russian. The Russian captain shouts to the Americantsam:
   - Otx..rage! I said otx..yarivai!
They don't understand anything.  The captain addresses
            to his sailors:
      - Does anyone know English?
One sailor was found. He comes out on deck
           and shouts to the Americans:
          - Do you speak English?
     “Yes, yes!” they answer joyfully.
          - Then otx..yarivay!!!