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(c) Nikolay Nadezhdin
To you, conscript.
(Tutorial for a malingerer)
No, if not for personal impressions of army service, I have
I wouldn’t even think about trying to incite anyone to do such things. But
the army is really not the best place for a pleasant
pastime. What is a rooster's crow worth?
orderly - “company, get up!” And the stern face of a loved one
commander?.. Horror... So, the agenda, the draft board,
fatherly parting words from the military commissar. How to deal with all this?
Let's start with the agenda. Try to eat it. So immediately she, of course,
won't work. But with, say, kefir, it’s okay, tolerable. And when
The police will start pestering you with dirty hints, asking why
I didn’t show up on the summons, so tell me - I couldn’t resist. Too
I was hungry, I swallowed it, my dear, without reading... And you can also
waylay the postman in the gateway and steal the summons from
"a thick shoulder bag." Or pretend to be illiterate, they say,
I don’t understand the alphabet, leave me alone. Or put glasses on your nose
"plus twelve". Or pretend to be one-eyed... True, on
These cheap tricks don't work at the military registration and enlistment office. I'll have to go to
commission. On a commission it is best to act topsy-turvy.It’s not like everyone strips naked right away. And you undress right away.
Go to the military registration and enlistment office wearing only socks and the duty officer
ask where they sign up for the infantry here, I’m very interested
I want infantry... But in the medical office, on the contrary, put on
take on three pairs of trousers, a sheepskin sheepskin coat, and felt boots. Button up
tightly. If they ask why you didn’t take off your clothes, say that
you're embarrassed by that mustachioed ensign - he doesn't look right on you
looks... Or such a technique. Paint your body purple
ink. Label the ribs, liver, spleen. Doctors will see
that you are completely frail and can be seen right through, and they will let you go. On
young women (usually they work on draft boards
young ladies) 100% ladylike
solidarity. Cover the causative area and contact a doctor with
heartfelt speech. Like, I’m not a boy, but quite the opposite. A
They shaved me by mistake. Don't let the girl get caught, sister.
bad army hands, write that I am “unfit for combat”...
And against the elderly therapists who sit near the spirometric
device, you can use the “broiler chicken” maneuver. That is,
breathe three hundred grams of air into the spirometer and strain
cough. What do you say you want from us sick people?..
The most difficult thing is to pass a psychiatric examination. Oh, they're sitting here
real experts in their field! Samilittle of that, they know in advance
all your tricks. Bark, crawl on all fours, pretend
ficus or a motorcycle with a sidecar is useless here. It's better to answer
question for question. That is, try to double their idiocy
questions with the idiocy of their answers. They'll ask what time it is,
specify - according to Greenwich or the Pacific meridian. They will show
photograph of the Minister of Defense (for some reason psychiatrists are very fond of
show a photograph of the Minister of Defense), smile welcomingly and
ask where they got the portrait of your deceased
uncles They will ask you to multiply six by eight, ask - with a minus
or with a plus. And so on. Most likely, you will fool the psychiatrist
it won't work. There is, however, one radical remedy. You can
declare that you feel an irresistible need to fall on
battlefield in the name of the Fatherland. What do you want with your tragic
example to attract young people into the ranks of the Armed Forces. And what are you asking?
military commissariat to choose a hot spot for your service,
because you have been sensitive to drafts since childhood and always
you're freezing. Perhaps after this you will be considered mentally
incompetent and will be sent to a hospital. Although many years ago after
similar statements (I asked for Afghanistan) they sent me
straight to the headquarters of the North Caucasus district. (Now you
Do you understand what is the reason for our failures in the Caucasus?) And that’s itbehind. You failed to avoid military service. Failed
pity the commission. Couldn't get it onto the paw successfully. And stand
you are in a line of the same young recruits, with a clean haircut, and
look sadly at the brave military commissar. And then on the horizon appears
your last but surest chance. Don't be a slob
take advantage of it! Choose the moment when the elderly military commissar
complacently admonishes the recruits for a feat of arms, and a glance
it is clouded by a commander's tear. Shout out loud: “Dad!
Daddy!" And throw yourself on his neck, sobbing. All attempts
nip you in the bud to unhook you from the neck. With joyful
excitedly look around, choose someone from
deputy military commissars and, addressing him personally, clearly
tell me what you just found out about Comrade Lieutenant Colonel
your missing father, who abandoned you and your mother many years ago
to the mercy of fate. And that you forgive him everything, and mother, in whom
(dad, imagine!) already one hundred and thirty kilograms, he will gladly accept
my prodigal kitten, I’m ready to believe him again if he
stop drinking and stop hanging around available women. So what
now dad is giving you a reprieve to divorce your legal wife
wife, return to the family and adopt you again... Believe me,
There are no defenses against this unexpected attack.
Military commissar, as a man of honor,will be forced to give at least some
explanations. And this is a significant head start, which for you means that
the very postponement of conscription that you so sought... What will happen
later? Army, what else? But six months later. And not in the air
landing or in the navy, and in some construction and economic
troops in some Kamchatka... Do you know how great it is to build
Are there pigsties in the army? Having seen enough of the army at the district headquarters
generals, I dreamed about this all two years of my service.
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