+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| Text converted from PC, supplied .......... Crazy Softvor/EI |
| Formated, some edited, corrected ............... D-Man/EI |
| Super Text Viewer v1.3 ............................ Red Ltd. |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
"Balagan" N 3
a selection of anecdotes and gags from HUMOR and COMMONPLACE
/for November 1992/
“I’m tired and resting, I invite you to the booth...”
/MV/
Contents: HUMOR.........line 12
COMMONPLACE .... page 1034
((((( ; HUMOR ;)))))
────────────────────────────────
----------------------------------------------------------------
Interviewing a boxer:
- Tell me, why do you need such strong hands?
- Well, this...
- Probably to hit your opponent harder?
- Yes!
- Why do you need such strong legs?
- Well, this...
- Probably to move around the ring faster?
- Yes!
- Why do you need such a small head?
- Well, this...
- Probably, it would be easier to dodge enemy attacks?
- Yes!... And I also eat there.
----------------------------------------------------------------
About drug addicts:
The son comes home. Knocks on the door. Mother comes to the door:MOTHER: - Who's there?
SON: - Mom, it's me!
MOTHER: - No-o-o-o, son! Mom - it's me!
----------------------------------------------------------------
MS>> The topic of the lesson at the military department is power amplifier
MS>> radar.
MV> And here’s another one:
MV>...there is a walkie-talkie installed on the armored personnel carrier.
MV> - Comrade Major, is the radio based on lamps or semiconductors?
MV> - I repeat: a walkie-talkie on an armored personnel carrier!
and also:
... the law of binomial distribution in the conditions
modern combat
will not change.....
...What is the angle measured in?
- in degrees
- 2, sit down
- in radians
- 2, sit down
I repeat, the angle is measured in divisions of the officer’s circle
.. . My patience has burst with a bang....
----------------------------------------------------------------
VS> At the poultry farm:
VS> "Let's put our eggs on the world market!"
AZ> I'll add
AZ> In _sunny_ Magadan, opposite the prison:
AZ> - You are going the right way, comrades!!!
Right there
and the wall of a pipe-rolling plant:
Five minutes - the country is dead!
----------------------------------------------------------------
And during the war we had:
- heels together to the width of the foot;
-more than 14 military satellites fly around the Earth;
-my last name is Colonel-Sharygin;
-...sit on your head and scratch your turnips;- "the speed of the bullet constantly increases and upon departure from
the barrel bore reaches 2/3 of the initial "(instructions for
shooting)
----------------------------------------------------------------
╔═■ Watson's
■══════════╗
Hello, All! ╚════════■
Collection ■═╝
Basement news.
Issue 1(1).
This opus is an allegorical
an account of the events that led to such
extended stay of our glorious BBS
in down. By Innocent we mean
heroic sysop Dyusha, near Poltoraki - not
less heroic person who bombed
station within 2 days (don’t be offended),
for PC - IBM PC AT 286/287/16/1/120-1.2(5").
"A black raven with a nasty IBM brand
Pieces fly out of the window."
Poltoraki breaks Innocent PC
The personal computer appears to be in good working order,
But, with a bad feeling,
Innokenty stands in front of him in thought,
Without trying to hide his amazement.
Either he presses Reset, or he scratches his head,
Remembering the evil spirits,
Then he will raise his palms, like a sorcerer -
What kind of fly bit PC?
Innocent is stubborn, but again and againThis infection is foreign
Twice two is not four, but three or five
Gives it away without even blinking.
Innokenty saw many miracles,
But I’ve never seen anything like this before.
A worldwide scandal is brewing in his head
And fragments of an appeal to the people.
The scoundrel Poltoraki laughs secretly,
Baring his teeth triumphantly.
He considers Innocent to be his primary enemy
For commitment to Turbo Pascal.
This is him, having forgotten about conscience and honor,
At night he climbed into the window like an aggressor,
I burned the BIOS with a glance, stuck Marchb in the BOOT
And stuck the processor upside down.
Meanwhile, Innokenty was pierced by insight.
He has perked up, he is calm and stoic.
Heading to the sofa, he looks for the law
Repeating fives and threes.
Day after day passes. Innocent lies
Indifferent to speeches and questions.
A black raven circles across the screen,
What is called MS-DOSom in everyday life.
Watson ibn Oleg
01.10.1992
* * * * * * * * *
I didn't tell you, Smells like summer Smells like summer
What flower did you plant? And mushrooms, a burnt rag,
I put a grain in a pot - And a little bit - The leaves are yellow
Soon a petal grew. Halva. Hanging.Above the greens Quiet in the zone
I look at the flower, amazed by the meadows
Only when I love you. The child's balloon has risen, the child's is burning out
Not when I’m friends with you, Ognevoy. Garden.
I put my shoe on the flower.
It's a bomb. The guys are laughing.
I can’t see the flower then, Hydrogen: From the heart:
And it’s not at all offensive: There’s a war going on “Good night,
Since you can’t see a damn thing, Narodnaya! Kids!"
Then my soul is pure
Tra-ta-ta... (T.M.) (Parody of T.M.
by Watson ibn Oleg)
(Lelik)
----------------------------------------------------------------
I warn you - not for everyone. How about that dog and the doctor
Chekhov.
DADDY CARLO'S FIRST DREAM.
or ONE TERRIBLY COMPLETE STORY ABOUT N.V. GOGOL, which happened with
him on the Arbat and on the Arbat composed by several amateurs
mastery of belles lettres of the latter and edited
Daniil Sardanopalov.
One day I was walking along Arbat
Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin,
chewed a pickled cucumber and
burping heartily,
He spat at his feet
and blew his nose like a cannon,
The handkerchief smells,
all yellow from sinusitis.
And Gogol came towards me
from Gogolevsky Boulevard,
All unwashed and shaggy,
cutting predatorily with his nose.
Pushkin grab him by the patlasnot far from the pub:
“Are you a hipster, Little Russian?
I don't approve of this!"
As luck would have it, Tolstoy is walking,
in the beard there are weeds, shavings,
chewing gum, baubles and cotton wool
from hygiene bags.
"You'll deal with that bastard!
- he shouts. -
Comrade Pushkin!
I fucking shed blood
eat yours
That’s not what’s at the front!”
Lermontov is walking here too
with a cap (cop, probably).
He takes out his revolver
and a huge log
And shouts:
"It would be my will, I would immediately
made laws
To shoot such people on the spot!
I will speak on behalf of the military."
Turgenev appeared here just now
from abroad.
All in the company, with a huge case
and with Montana on the butt:
"There is no salvation from such people in our
valiant capital!
These are the people who drink and smoke,
and they drown Mumu like that!”
A sleepy Herzen appeared:
The Decembrists woke up.
"Beat the Jews!"
- he shouts loudly and with a rifle
waves.
The stern Gorky drove up,
with a mustache, in a car:
"If the enemy does not surrender to us,
then they destroy him!"
The Russian people came running:
Zinki, Huhku, Manki, Vanki,
Connected with shafts
to public opinion:
"That evening, that farm,
those bastards are near Dikanka!”
They said gloomily,
continuing the beating.
And Belinsky and Dostoevsky,
as usual, we were late.
And the people had already dispersed, arguing
about culture.
And the two of them stood and kicked
boots
Bloody body
Classics of literature.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Butanother case. There is a lesson in progress at the military department. Captain
explains to the students: Here, comrades students, is our secret
the equipment operates in a temperature range from -300 degrees
Celsius up to +300. The cunning student could not resist, comrade captain,
it cannot be from -300, scientists have established that the temperature
absolute zero -273 degrees. Captain: I repeat once again,
the equipment is secret and about the conditions under which it works
Scientists can't know!
----------------------------------------------------------------
l>> The hard drive did not flinch in the pioneer’s hand
l>> A poacher's brains flow down a birch tree
DZ> Seagate's was, apparently, a screw...
And FULL HEIGHT, apparently...
----------------------------------------------------------------
INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE OF ARTILLERY REGIMENT RATIOS.
1. The restroom must be kept clean at all times.
2. Garbage should not be thrown into glasses and urinals of the restroom,
rags, cigarette butts, matches, dirt, food debris.
3. Glasses should be used without climbing on them with your feet.
and sit down as if on a chair, with a full load, so that the buttock
completely and tightly encircled the wooden cushion of the glasses. body frame
keep straight and do not place any emphasis on your legs when landing,
and slightly moving away from the floor, transfer the weight of the legs to the buttock,
having your hands placed along your respective knees. Landing
necessaryto ensure that feces fall into the tube of the glasses, and not on
the pillow of the ass, trying at the same time not to wet the pillow with urine,
Why is it necessary to hold the urethra with your hand?
directing it into the ass.
4. When using a urinal, you must come close to
urinal, even slightly rest your knees on it, leaning
forward, remove the entire urethra, bend it slightly
him down and let out urine until the last drop. Until the end
do not move away from the urinal to urinate and do not urinate on the floor
sprinkle. In this way it is possible to be dry
floor near the urinal.
Pompolka for household goods
SHIMANKOV.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Hello All!
This message is the first in a series of quotes from the book "Preparation
military intelligence officer", 1991, Voenizdat, circulation 25,000,
recommended by the main headquarters of the ground forces as
textbook, chipboard and other secrecy are completely absent
:)
So:
"A squad (tank) when conducting an ambush on groups, as a rule,
doesn't break."
"The panel is supported on one side by a stand with a drawbar and
They are attached in all corners with pins."
To be continued...
----------------------------------------------------------------
The Jew went to Russia, returned and almost cried. wife with
questions: what
business?- When I left, I took bread and coffins with me - I thought: if
Russians live, then they need to eat, I will sell bread if they
they die, I’ll profit from the coffins... and what do you think! I'm broke!
They don't live, but they don't die either.
- What are they doing?
- They are suffering!
----------------------------------------------------------------
IS> From diagrams and moments
IS> Save me!
IS> From rivets and nuts
IS> Save me!
IS> Give me a beam please
IS> And one strength,
IS> Otherwise the exam
IS> I'll fail myself!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time two family people met.
One asks the other: “Listen, what is a honeymoon?”
Another replies: “Imagine that our whole family life
this is a barrel of ointment, and on top there is a very thin layer of honey, so this is it
Yes - honeymoon."
“Yes,” says the other, “Apparently I opened the barrel on the wrong side.”
Conclusion: “So let’s drink to always stealing a barrel of that
sides"
----------------------------------------------------------------
- Where does a woman have appendicitis?
- As you enter, straight and to the left.
----------------------------------------------------------------
AP> Two people meet:
AP> - They say you recently got married? I guess now you know
what is it
AP> real happiness! - Yes. Now I know. Butit's already late.
- Got married? :)
- Got married :(
- How's your wife?
- The guys praised me.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Moishe: Comrade commander, accept me into your partisan detachment.
Commander: You need to pass the test. Here's a pack of leaflets for you,
If you spread it, I'll take it.
A week later, Moishe returns tired and exhausted.
Commander: How are you, what took you so long? Moishe (taking it out of his pocket
a wad of money): Well, what a good fellow you handed me.
----------------------------------------------------------------
ES> The patient comes to the doctor!
subj has a boyfriend and girlfriend. The guy says that from intercourse
he and his girlfriend have no sensations. After a long time
fruitless questions subj suggests they do this
right there. We tried several positions, but the young ones stand on
ours: we don’t feel anything.
Subj calls a colleague at another hospital and tells about this
case.
- Yes, kick them in the neck!!! - his colleague answers him, “I have them.”
We’ve been seven times, these are students, they simply have nowhere to do this!
A man comes to subj and complains about the lack of erection.
The doctor examines his organs, after which he smears one egg with iodine,
writes a note and sends it to another office.
In another cabin
internet subj examines a man,
reads a note, says something in it
finishes writing, coats the second egg with brilliant green and sends it offpatient
back. On the way, he glances at the note and reads: “Christ
risen, Viktor Ivanovich! Truly risen, Alexey Petrovich!
Subj has a man at the reception. Complains about the lack of buzz from
intercourse with wife.
Subj suggested changing the position, but it turned out that almost everything
tried:
-Have you tried that? Have you tried this?
When the supply ran out, subj went to the window, thought, and saw
how Bobik stares at the bug on the street corner. Calls the patient over and
pointing to the dogs, suggests their way to him. The man leaves.
A week later, with flowers and gifts, he comes to subj and
happily reports that everything is fine. Subj asks:
- Did it work right away?
“Well,” he answers, “at first people were shy, but then
got used to it.
& two last, from the famous game Larry I (sorry for the bad
English! ;-)
There is a man at subj's reception. Complains about the same thing. Subj
says that diversity is needed in this matter. Offers
go home and upon entering the house immediately put your wife in a pose
river dweller and...
A week later the man called.
- Did you enjoy it? - asks subj.
“No,” the man answers him, “but the company with which my
my wife played bridge and had a lot of fun.
A man enters subj with a frog sitting on his head.
- Can I help you with anything? - asks subj.
- Yes. Get this idiot out from under me -The frog answers him.
----------------------------------------------------------------
There is no better vagina than a comrade's ass.
Although it smells worse, it fits tighter.
----------------------------------------------------------------
A drug addict sits at home. A friend comes and rings the doorbell. That one
asks:
-Who's there?
- I.
- I?!?!?!?
----------------------------------------------------------------
Two people go to the airport and see a notice on the wall:
"The dog, a cross between a collie and a dachshund, got lost"
The back is red, the chest is white"
"Bitch"
"Fuck"
"I'm so tired of everything"
----------------------------------------------------------------
The cat caught the mouse.
- Mouse! Do you want to live?
- With whom?
- What a whore, I don’t even want to eat.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Malvina and Pierrot are lying in bed.
M: Pierrot, why do you have such long eyelashes?
P: Because I cried a lot as a child
M (with a sigh): It would be better if you wrote more as a child...
----------------------------------------------------------------
> - DEALER DOES NOT PICK BARTER FOR LEASING BROKER -
----------------------------------------------------------------
The Chukchi calls the master and says:
- Somehow my TV is broken, I need to fix the sound, however.
- How did it break?
- Yes, for no reason, no reason - I’m sitting with a screwdriver in my ear
I'm picking, and suddenly the sound is gone...
----------------------------------------------------------------Three men killed the fourth... The trial is underway...
- What did you hit with?
- With fists...
- And you?
- With your feet...
- What are you...
- Ashtray...
- By what? Where did you get it?
- At the store there was...
----------------------------------------------------------------
N 2 ╔═■ Watson's
■══════════╗
Hello, All! ╚════════■
Collection ■═╝
Once upon a time there lived Fedot, one of those who smoke and drink,
wears glasses and is not broad-shouldered - in general, a programmer...
Marusya: │ Tsar:
│
Well, Fedot, have you gone completely sour? │ And another question -
Al is hooked on SM? │ Our OS freezes.
Ali disks flew off - │ You used to sit at the display -
Not one, but seven at once? │ Here's a fig for your nose.
So play on DVK - │ Even if you cut it with knives,
Have you tried tea yet? │ At least break all your bald spots,
How to play “glass” once, │ At least devour the entire description -
So you will stand on your horns! │ "System crash" yes
│ "System crash".
And strong, mind you, at the same time - │ Just don’t rush,
Even a crowbar won't take it! - │ Don’t rush to the switch -
No, give them Kommo'dor │ So I'll hang her up too,
With disk drives with it! │ You should approach it programmatically.
────────────────────────────────┤Baba Yaga: │ Fedot came to the EU and
│ processor
│ climbed.
│ And the EU is buzzing, it stinks,
At least your Fedot is not a fool, │ Doesn’t want to work - she’s frozen,
in short...
But we do it for a reason!
├─────────────────── ────────────────────
There is no weapon more terrible, │ Tsar Nyane (will begin the guests,
│ whom
Than dBASE in my hands! │ constantly makes nasty things):
(rummaging through the database) │
No... Not that... AHA! So here it is: │ Do you remember the one from BHUUPA?
Let Fedot find you │ That's who brought the goodness!
Not a curiosity - │ There is a BASIC compiler here,
Two-inch drive. │ And half a bucket of floppy disks...
Three inches or five │ WHO IS THE COMMODORE
And a fool can get it, │ PLACED AN AX ON AN ARSHINA?!!
Two-inch ones in nature │ He's behind the Commodore
Shouldn't exist! │ I went all the way over the hill!
Let them search the entire LETI, │
Maybe I’ll foolishly go to Bonch - │ Nanny:
Two-inch drives │
Fedot will never be found! │ Well, there’s still a debate about this,
│ Who planted the ax where:
Fedot To the Tsar the next morning: │ I took the BC and repainted it -
│ Here's the Commodore for you!
Youasked me - so here it is: │ And about BASIC about that
Two-inch drive. │ I'm in your place
Why are you torturing my soul, │ I wouldn’t stutter at all:
Syntax error in your mouth? │ A mixture of Fortran and Pascal!
If there are already plenty of them -
├─────────────────── ────────────────────
There is only one solution: │ Tsar Fedotu:
I'll take you back to the States! - │
You know, I don’t care... │ You say Prologue and Si?
────────────────────────────────┤ Come on, suck the fig!
Nanny: │ Here's Fortran-4 for you,
│ And don’t ask for anything else!
Whatever you ask a Gespani -
├─────────────────── ────────────────────
All the same: “Pee-C, Pee-C”, │ Baba Yaga:
And he loves our toys - │
Know the floppy disks! │ The disk is spoiled - oh well
│ Here is an axe, a chisel, a knife...
│ No, give them Disk Doctor-
│ Oh, these young people!
────────────────────────────────┴─ ───────────────────────────────────
The punk comes home and knocks on the door. From behind the door:
-Who's there?
- Mom, it's me.
- You're driving, son. Mom is me.
----------------------------------------------------------------
***
- cepryhbka, why does your little brother scream so much?
- if you had no teeth, hair would not grow, legs and arms would notlistened, you wouldn’t have shouted so much...
***
The husband returns home very early, and is clearly not in a good mood. quickly
After eating, he climbs into bed and begins to pester his wife.
“I can’t do it today,” the wife says softly.
“Why are you all in agreement today?!?!” the husband explodes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
- Shall we go fishing?
- Let's go! Do you know how to catch?
- What can you do: open and pour...
- Shall we take fishing rods with us?
- Come on, come on! We'll still lose...
----------------------------------------------------------------
2. Company commander in front of the platoon:
- Whoever calls the chief of staff a pig again will be
attached to his personal sartir - clean up the manure after him!
----------------------------------------------------------------
A completely old and bearded joke from Arbat:
A punk sits on a trash can, smokes, a cop approaches:
- Why are you sitting here? Don't you see it says: "For garbage"!
-- Ooo! Sorry! Have a seat! - jumps off the urn...
----------------------------------------------------------------
It’s 11 pm, my husband is not at home, my wife is waiting in the kitchen
rolling pin. Call. The wife opens it - the husband stands: in one hand there is a bouquet
red roses, in the other - a cake, on the face - a gentle smile.
- Good evening, dear! This is for you...
- Oh, dear... What, today is some kind of holiday, an anniversary
weddings?
- No... It’s that simple... Let’s go tobedroom, huh?
- Wait, at least have dinner...
- No, no, let's go...
- Well, at least we’ll have some tea and cake...
- No, let's go quickly!
- Eh-h (heavy sigh)... You see, I can’t do it today...
- What, you all conspired, or what?!!
----------------------------------------------------------------
The ensign says to the private:
- Why is there such a heap of garbage piled up in front of the tent?!
Dig a hole and bury the trash immediately!
- Where should I put the land?
-Are you a complete idiot, or what?
Dig a hole big enough to fit both trash and soil!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Muller pressed escape twice... Escape could not stand it and
split - she really was an agent of the Mexican
intelligence.
The Russian radio operator brought Stirlitz to ecstasy. They loved to visit
this is a cafe.
----------------------------------------------------------------
S P I S O K
foreign rock groups and performers,
whose activities are ideologically harmful.
1. "Sex Pistol" (punk, violence, vandalism)
2. "B-52" (punk, violence)
3. "Medness" (punk, violence)
4. "Clash" (punk, violence)
5. The Stranglers (punk, violence)
6. "Kiss" (punk, nank, violence, neo-fascism)
7. "Crocus" (violence, cult of a strong personality)
8. "Styx" (violence, vandalism)
9. "Iron Maiden" (violence, religious obscurantism)
10. "Judas Priest"(anti-communism, racism)
11. "ACC/DC" (violence, neo-fascism)
12. "Sparks" (violence, racism, sadism)
13. "Hu" (violence)
14. "Black Sabath" (violence, vandalism, religious violence)
15. Alice Cooper (violence, vandalism)
16. "azareth" (violence, religious mysticism)
17. "Scorpio" (violence, sadism)
18. "Genghis Khan" (anti-communism, nationalism)
19. "Ufo" (violence)
20. “Pink Floyd” for 1983 - a perversion of the foreign policy of the USSR,
"aggression"
CCCP in Afghanistan.
21. "Tokinheads" (myth of the Soviet military threat)
22. “La Bionda” (violence, cult of personality /strong/, eroticism)
23. "Tserrop" (eroticism, sex)
24. "Santa Esmeraldo" (sex)
25. "Bohannon" (eroticism)
26. Amanda Lear (eroticism)
27. "Originals" (sex)
28. Donna Summer (eroticism)
29. Tina Turner (sex)
30. J English (sex)
31. "Keneth Heath" (homosexuality)
32. "Munich Machine" (eroticism)
33. "Romanz" (punk)
34. Van Halen (anti-Soviet propaganda)
35. Julio Iglesias (neo-fascism)
36. "Depeche Mode" (punk, violence)
37. "Yazoo" (punk, violence)
38. "Village Pickle" (violence)
39. Kid Creole (sex)
ROT MC TiKPR Zak. N 201 dated September 28, 1984
----------------------------------------------------------------
1. A bachelor asks his friend’s wife how his life is. -
Amazing. When you come home, everything is clean, tidy, on the table -
lunch, the wife at the stove is beautiful, kind, attentive and chirping,chirps, chirps...
Idiot!
2. The baby is sitting on the street and crying. A man approaches.
- Why are you crying?
- Ma-a-a-ma drowned all the kittens in the river-a-a...
- Yes, horror!
- Yeah-ah-ah. After all, she promised that I would drown them...
3. The general walks around the barracks. He walks into one, sipping his nose
bozduh, winces and asks:
- What does it smell like here?
The orderly jumped up and reported:
- Comrade General, while you were away, nothing stank!
4. Hotel. The waiter knocks on the door:
- Excuse me, would you like coffee in bed?
- No, it’s better in a cup...
5. The wife is going to the resort:
- Darling, what should I bring you?
- Whatever you want, now everyone is being treated...
6. Two dudes meet, one has a black eye.
- Listen, where did this come from?
- And this one wanted to kick me in the ass yesterday, but I
dodged...
7. There is a Russian language lesson at the CIA school. Teacher:
- Who has questions about the “Liquor Store” situation?
One agent holds out his hand:
- Sir, please explain in the phrase “Guys, who is the last
vodka?" where should the indefinite article go?
"fuck"?
8. A man comes to the store. Asks:
- Do you have panties?
Saleswoman:
- No.
Man:
- Is it on sale?
9. New recruits have arrived for training. They were built by the foreman in front of
wooden barracks and says:
- Here they will make iron men out of you. Look here.
He takes a huge nail, puts it against the wall and hits it with his head.
Nail, just a little
upon entering,bends. Sergeant Major:
- Sidorov, go take a look at what’s there.
Sidorov returns and reports:
- Comrade Sergeant Major, the company commander is sleeping there, leaning against him.
head to the wall...
10. Two young people are buried. The eyewitness is asked why
they died.
- Yes, they argued who would climb out of the tram window next.
- So how?
- Yes, the one in the right coffin won.
11. Two police officers walk through a “white” neighborhood and see
a black man riddled with bullets.
- what a brutal suicide!... :(
12. Kyiv. Rally. Queue for the microphone.
- I propose to rehabilitate Petliura...
- I propose to build a monument to him...
- I suggest that he be on a horse...
- I suggest that he stand with his hand outstretched...
- I suggest that a noose hangs on this arm...
-... And a communist was hanging on this noose...
- ... and so that the communist is changed every day ...
13. A man asks a woman:
- Excuse me, how old are you?
- (flirtatiously) Well, how much will you give...
- You're lying, they don't live that long!
14. There is a lesson at school. Teacher:
- Whoever considers himself an idiot, stand up.
A few minutes later Vovochka gets up.
- Do you think you're an idiot?
- No, but it’s not good when you stand alone...
15. The wife brings home liver sausage.
- Why did you buy it - asks her husband - With this sausage now
fed
only pets.
- You know, dear, don’t bark!----------------------------------------------------------------
Muller said goodbye to Stirlitz, got into the car, the engine roared,
the car jerked and stalled. “Brake,” thought Stirlitz.
"Thank you!" - Muller thought and released the handbrake.
----------------------------------------------------------------
They decided to hold a Field of Miracles in the zone. The spectators took their seats, three
player at the wheel, the boss is leading the game.
- Spin the drum! Applause!
...
- So, you got the Point sector! Name the letter.
- Letter "A"
- There is no such letter! Your point goes to the spectators...
----------------------------------------------------------------
> And here’s another tiny bauble:
> Stirlitz called on the phone,
> They picked up the phone and he heard a squeak,
> then he squeaked in response. The receiver squealed
> “Modem!” thought Stirlitz,
> “Stirlitz,” thought the modem
and logged in!!!!!!!!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------
+++++++++++++++ WARNING!!! +++++++++++++++++++
=
called on the phone
> They picked up the phone and he heard a squeak,
> then he squeaked in response. The receiver squealed
> “Modem!” thought Stirlitz,
> “Stirlitz,” thought the modem
and logged in!!!!!!!!!!
--------------fucking,
chirps, chirps...
Idiot!
2. The baby is sitting on the street and crying. A man approaches.
- Why are you crying?
- Ma-a-a-maI drowned all the kittens in the river...
- Yes, horror!
- Yeah-ah-ah. After all, she promised that I would drown them...
3. The general walks around the barracks. He walks into one, sipping his nose
bozduh, winces and asks:
- What does it smell like here?
The orderly jumped up and reported:
- Comrade General, while you were away, nothing stank!
4. Hotel. The waiter knocks on the door:
- Excuse me, would you like coffee in bed?
- No, it’s better in a cup...
5. The wife is going to the resort:
- Darling, what should I bring you?
- Whatever you want, now everyone is being treated...
6. Two dudes meet, one has a black eye.
- Listen, where did this come from?
- And this one wanted me yesterday ====== This is COMMONPLACE!!! =========
─────────────────────── ───────────────────────
----------------------------------------------------------------
AK> I took it in my hands
AK> Wrinkled it a little
AK> He became hard
AK> Like potatoes.
I think it's a snowball!
----------------------------------------------------------------
A French magazine announced a competition:
"You are sitting in a restaurant with a woman you just met.
met and which one you like. You need to go out to
toilet. How will you explain to her that you need to go out?"
The first place was taken by the answer: “Madam, I must go out to help my
a friend I'll introduce you to later"
----------------------------------------------------------------
--------
Average filthiness
-----------------
guy withmaking love to a girl. Suddenly they enter him
parents! Thoughts of four.
Guy: - That's it, they caught me! I told the fool - another time.
Girl: - Well, now he’ll definitely marry me!
Father: - Well, the guy is growing up, we need to buy him a motorcycle.
Mother: - My God! The way she lies there makes the boy uncomfortable!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------
--------
Blue haze
------------
Old people watch Kashpirovsky's sessions on TV. Grandfather jumps up:
- Grandma, let’s go quickly before the mood rises!
- It's too late, grandfather. Everything has healed.
----------------------------------------------------------------
1. Two corpses quietly descended to the bottom...
It's a pity - the movie tickets disappeared.
2. A boy was building a little Easter cake in the sandbox...
But I didn’t finish it - I became paralyzed.
3. The boy stuck two fingers into the socket...
All that was left was collected in a newspaper.
Dad is crying over a pile of coals -
"Where is the suit for forty rubles"
4. The girl Tanya went for a swim
Quietly the shark swam up to her...
Bones crunched, blood sprayed
Here it is, our love for nature!
5. A little boy swims along the river
Grandfather Sidor took out a machine gun
A short burst, a muffled cry
"Wow, Chapaev!" - the old man laughs.
6. A little boy was walking around a construction site
accidentally fell into a barrel of cement
Mom went to the store today
Her son smiles at her from the wall.
7. The girl Masha came to the construction site
girlI brought dad lunch
A couple of braids and the end of the dress
Father saw in the stone crusher
8. The boy and dad were sitting on the rails
And little by little they sang songs
The express from Siberia rushed quickly
There were two of them, now four.
9. Children have fun in kindergarten
Happy children singing songs
And on the branches they are hung in a row
A few bad singing guys.
10. The little boy found a razor
He came to dad with this find.
"What is this, dad?" - "Hopper"
The baby's smile gets wider and wider...
11. The children found a hatchet in the barn
with him they approached an old woman
the grandmother fell to the floor with a crash
After all, an ax is not a toy for you children.
12. Setting an example for the children of the country
An intellectual was trampled by a pioneer
The child's sandal hit the pince-nez
Death to dissidents in the Soviet Land.
13. A little boy climbed onto the roof
He shouted “I’m Carlson” and quickly disappeared
Warm blood flows along the asphalt
Apparently there was a defect in the motor...
14. The girl went out into the snow
A Pecheneg crawled up behind you without a sound
The Pecheneg's scimitar flashed brightly
Blood and poop$#@! mixed in the snow...
15. Little boy with a big head
sawed boards with a circular saw
iron entered the soft body
childhood is gone along with my hands
16. A little boy ran across the field,
The little boy tripped and fell
The tractor drove by, blood sprayed
The carrots will be juicy today...
17. Ignatik-junnatik bugscollected
Ignatik-junnatik ran across the field
He didn’t notice the fly CC in the grass
The smile froze on the dead face.
----------------------------------------------------------------
I'm standing on the asphalt
Wearing skis.
Maybe the skis don't work?
Am I crazy?
The girl is beautiful
Lying naked in the bushes.
Otherwise he would have raped
I just kicked it.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there lived a man with a chronic runny nose - well, I couldn’t smell his nose
no$%*!
He decided to have intercourse with his wife.
He stuck his muzzle between her legs... "AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"
- What's wrong with you, honey?
- I beat my mother! Didn't wash your face again today?
- How did you know? Your nose can't smell a damn thing!
- It stings my eyes...
----------------------------------------------------------------
╔═■ Watson's
■══════════╗
Hello, All! ╚════════■
Collection ■═╝
* * * * * *
One day in our kindergarten One day that week
Uncle asked a riddle to two snub-nosed young maidens
With teacher Katya Lured and had
Escaping in a hurry: Navy officers.
Don't get it wrong,
But - back and forth - only the young ones stole
Both you and I are pleased... We were so amazed
Why did they go and snitch
What it is is unclear.On the defenders of the country.
We didn’t sleep or eat, the commander died from the guard,
They didn’t play or sing, but the others who had,
We creaked our heads, took us through Zhitomir
Everyone was thinking about one thing. To Kislodrischensk - to be shot.
We asked our Katya:
Let uncle tell you the answer! (A.T.)
After all, you can't just for fun
Turn the kindergarten into a madhouse! * * *
One Sunday evening, the southern coast of Crimea,
Masha and Vovochka famous Sunny and warm,
Sitting in a small room, Breeze tirelessly
We remembered the question again. rustling on the glass,
Vova snorted: “I didn’t drink! Where the water is clear,
Maybe volleyball on the beach? Like a cormorant's tear (see note)
Or is it even Where in holiday villages
Are we being taken for a ride by a steam locomotive?!" Nirvana reigns.
They made noise for a whole hour, I wish I could throw them off
They rustled with dictionaries, and panties and a T-shirt,
Almost fought and actually fried the body,
In plain sight of the neighbors. Buried in the pebbles,
So they failed to understand, And, coming to languor
Lying in bed in the evening, from the heat of the day,
Vova and Masha, that swing Lock yourself at home
Here we mean... And drink alcohol.
Watson ibn Oleg But everything is not easy,
Only everything is different:Kola Peninsula
Destined for me.
The climate here is special,
Even if it's summer:
You'll end up in snowdrifts -
You'll freeze THIS.
(A.T., army cycle)
______________________________
Note: CORMORANT is one of the
naval articles
service calculation
----------------------------------------------------------------
Peter turns to the pharmacist for help: “I’m very uncomfortable, but
it so happened that I agreed with three girls today
at the same time. I have no choice but to deal with
beauties one after another. Do you have any means
so that I have enough strength for everything?
- “Fortunately, today I received a shipment of the new Super-drag,
which will make a sex giant out of any old man. Drink three of
these jelly beans, one for each lady, and you will stay
satisfied." Full of happiness, Peter buys a package of 50 tablets.
The next day, with the last of his strength, he crawls to the pharmacy and
falls heavily onto the counter.
- "Well, is everything all right?" - askspharmacist
- "Of course! Today I need the strongest painkiller
remedy that you have."
- "Surely against pain in the groin and kidneys?"
- “No, my right hand hurts terribly. The fact is that out of three
The girls didn’t come alone!”
And one more:
One man came to the hospital to have plastic surgery
penis surgery. The surgeon examined him and asked: “What happened?”
"You see, Doctor, I live in a car camp, and from my trailer
I can clearly see what's going on in my neighbor's trailer. And she,
I'll tell you, she's a beauty: blonde, and her figure is amazing. And very
sexually preoccupied. Every evening I saw her take out
sausage in the refrigerator, heated it up and inserted it into a hole in the floor
your trailer. Then she lay down on this sausage and
masturbated on her."
"So what?" - the doctor became interested.
“So, I felt offended that such a cat was wasted. And
one day I crawled under her trailer, and when she stuck a sausage in
hole, I pulled it out and inserted my penis in its place. intended
it wasn't bad and everything was going great. I was ready to cum, but
Then someone knocked on her door. She jumped up from my sausage and
tried to kick her behind the stove. That's why I'm here."
that's all, Andry.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Winnie the Pooh is walking through the forest, he sees an Owl standing there looking sad,even
a little gloomy. Well Vinnie asks
- Why are you, Owl, somehow sad?
- Yes, this is all Donkey: “Favorite color, favorite size,..., and included and
it comes out..."
----------------------------------------------------------------
It means Vasily Ivanovich is swimming across the river - with one hand like that
rakes steeply... and a crow flies over him... the circles are narrower and
is already writing it out and now it’s almost on our Vasily Ivanovich’s head
sits down. And the crow asks him - what are you saying, Vasily Ivanovich?
You rake so coolly with one hand but not with the other...? So
I am wounded - Vasily Ivanovich says.... Aaaaaaa says the crow
and I thought that you were the other one doing masturbation!!!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------
ES> I'm standing on the asphalt
ES> Wearing skis.
ES> Maybe the skis don’t work,
ES> Am I crazy?
And I also know this one:
I'm standing on a snowdrift
Wearing sandals,
Your feet are sweating,
Chi I'm crazy
----------------------------------------------------------------
In the morning the Serpent-Gorynych wakes up from a deep budun and one head
another says:
- don’t talk to the third head, she smacked her cheek last night
took it!
The third head from sleepiness:
- guys, if pi/:%!" Wake up, next time I’ll also fuck you in the ass
I'll give it to you!
----------------------------------------------------------------
I Z B R A H H Y E
Anecdotes aboutLIEUTENANT RZHEVSKY.
Say a word about the poor hussar...
/ Instead of an epigraph /
1. A lot of all kinds of jokes were put into the computer so that
he gave out average. The result began like this: “Three are lying in bed
Jews: Reagan, Cheburashka and Lieutenant Rzhevsky...".
2. Evening, Lieutenant Rzhevsky goes out onto the balcony and says: -What
the moon, what stars... -Your mother, your mother, your mother...
habit echoes.
3. Natasha Rostova dances at a ball with Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
“Oh, I feel bad, I’ll go to the window,” says Natasha,
“Well, go ahead, but not for long,” answers Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
4. Lieutenant Rzhevsky walks with Natasha Rostova along the shore of the pond.
“I wish I could become a fish in this pond,” says Natasha.
“It would be better if you stood up like a crustacean,” answers Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
5. -Lieutenant, how do you feel about homosexuals?
-Yes, sir, here I am...
6. From the diary of the hussar regiment.
Day one. We arrived in the village and settled in. Fucked everyone
women and drank all the champagne.
Day two. Fucked all the cattle and drank it all
moonshine.
Day three. They drank everything that burned and fucked everything that moved.
Day four - Lieutenant Rzhevsky has arrived! Well, there's such depravity here
has begun!!!
7. -Lieutenant, how do you find my chest?
-With difficulty, madam.
8. -Yesterday I saved a woman from rape...
-Oh, interesting, Lieutenant, tell me!-Ah, I just persuaded her.
9. -Lieutenant, how many children do you have?
-Yes... six or five pieces.
-Do you like children, Lieutenant?
-No, but the process itself...
10. -Lieutenant, Natasha died of cancer!
-Yes, that was her favorite position!
11. Natasha Rostova dances at a ball with Lieutenant Rzhevsky. Lieutenant
presses her against the wall.
-Oh, Lieutenant, do you want to crucify me?
- No, six times.
-What do you mean?
-What I have, I’ll bring in.
12. Natasha Rostov is nineteen. Enters a dark room
birthday girl with a cake on which only eighteen candles are burning.
“Hussars,” she addresses those present, “are not on the pie.”
I found room for one candle, where should I put it?
“Gentlemen, not a word about pussy!” comes the voice of Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
13. -Lieutenant, yesterday you slept with me, but today you don’t even want to
say hello!
-Madam, a bed is not a reason for dating.
14. Natasha Rostova dances at a ball with Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
-Lieutenant, have you ever been in love?
-Fucked, sir.
Natasha faints. The lieutenant catches her on the fly and
calms:
-Excuse me, madam, I said bullshit...
15.-Lieutenant, they say that you were a member of the court in your youth?
-Ah, youth... With a dick here, with a dick there...
16. -Lieutenant, you’ve been fucking me for two hours now, but you haven’t said anything
one word of love...
-Oh, sorry - I love you, cornet.
17. -Lieutenant Rzhevsky, your rank is associated as"LIEUTENANT-INTELLIGENT", you are a French spy...
-Oh, "KAPHET-CLARNET-TRAMBON-GONDON", you just
asshole, Monsieur Obolensky.
----------------------------------------------------------------
17.-What are you doing on my back, Lieutenant?
-I'm looking for breasts, madam.
-Yes, they are in front...
- I already looked there, madam.
18. Lieutenant Rzhevsky came to Pierre Bezukhov’s estate, but
he was not at home. “Should I shit on the piano?” I thought
The lieutenant added out loud:
-No, province, sir, they won’t understand...
19.-Lieutenant Rzhevsky, you have only been in the city for three days, but already you
all our women have been tried. How did you manage to do this?
-I just go up to the lady and say: “Madam, let me
blow it off."
-But you can get punched in the face...
-Well, first I’ll hit you in the face, and then I’ll kick you in the face.
20. Young Lieutenant Rzhevsky plays in the theater. His first role
was that the Lieutenant should go on stage and say
“Balabuev, here is your cane” and give it back. The hussars argued with
The lieutenant that he would make a mistake and instead of the surname Balabuev out of excitement
Balakhuev will say. And now the performance is going on and Rzhevsky comes out to
stage.
“Balabuev,” says the Lieutenant and looks triumphantly at the stalls, “here’s yours.”
dick...
21. Lieutenant Rzhevsky lies in bed with Natasha Rostova.
“You, Natasha, are just like a heating radiator,” he compliments
Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
-What, so warm?
- No, it’s so ribbed...
22. Lieutenant Rzhevsky is sailingin a boat with Natasha Rostova.
During the awkward silence, the Lieutenant asks:
-Natasha, have you ever been hit in the pussy with a paddle?
- Lieutenant, how dare you...
-Yes, I did, I just wanted to keep the conversation going...
23. Lieutenant Rzhevsky is going to the ball. The Lieutenant's orderly sees
how he smears the end with cologne.
-Your Brod, why are you doing this?
-Yes, just in case.
After some time, the Lieutenant begins to apply cologne
ass.
-Why is this, your Brod?
-Yes, there are different cases...
24. “Lieutenant,” Natasha Rostova asks at the ball, “
can a hussar jump on a horse at full gallop?
-
moonshine.
Day three. They drank everything that burned and fucked everything that moved.
Day four - Lieutenant Rzhevsky has arrived! Well, we headed to the village and settled in. Fucked everyone
women and drank all the champagne.
Day two. Fucked all the cattle and drank it all
moonshine.
Day three. They drank everything that burned and fucked everything that moved.
Day four - Lieutenant Rzhevsky has arrived! Well, there's such depravity here
has begun!!!
7. -Lieutenant, how do you find my chest?
-With difficulty, madam.
8. -Yesterday I saved a woman from rape...
-Oh, interesting, Lieutenant, tell me!
-Ah, I just persuaded her.
9. - Lieutenant, how much does Va have for us, hussars, to piss on, -
Natasha Rostova from such words
faints, - oh, sorry, madam, don’t give a fuck, I wanted to
say.
25. LieutenantRzhevsky comes to visit Natasha Rostov.
-Natasha, I just came up with a new pose - I called it
beaver pose, let's go to the stairs.
The lieutenant and Natasha go out onto the stairs and Rzhevsky puts her on
quadruples.
-Lieutenant, it’s usually cancer...
-No, Natasha, you have to chew on the railings!
26.-Lieutenant, have you ever been in love?
-Fucked, sir.
-Ugh, Lieutenant, I’m talking about human love...
-It happened with people too.
-Oh, Lieutenant, I’m talking about pure love...
- It happened that in the bathhouse, sir.
-No, well, I mean high love...
-Crawfish on the bell, sir? Original, sir!!!
27.-Natasha, you have already been married to Lieutenant Rzhevsky for two years,
and you still don’t have children...
-Oh, mom, so that I can swallow this nasty stuff at least once...
28.- Lieutenant, tell me: what do eggs hit most often?
- About the saddle.
- Oh, no - about the FRYING PAN!
- A frying pan? In the balls? Funny, sir!
29. The lieutenant went out into the yard and returned all wet.
- Lieutenant, is it raining heavily outside?
- No, a strong headwind...
30. Pierre Bezukhov woke up in the morning, picked his teeth and
picked out a raspberry seed. The Count called his butler,
If only he could find out where she came from. Received an hour later
answer. It turned out that last evening Pierre kissed Natasha
Rostova, who had previously taken menet from Lieutenant Rzhevsky,
who fucked me beforehis orderly for eating
mild raspberry jam.
31. -Gentlemen, recently I went out onto the balcony and all the ladies fell into a piss-
rock
-Lieutenant, what were you wearing?
-I was in a gentleman's suit: top hat, bow tie, pince-nez and
condom...
32. Lieutenant Rzhevsky dances at a ball with Natasha Rostova.
- Ugh, Lieutenant, how you smell - go take off your socks!!!
A minute later, the Lieutenant returns to Natasha.
-Lieutenant, you still have the same smell, have you taken off your socks?
“But of course,” said Lieutenant Rzhevsky and pulled them out from his bosom.
33. Natasha Rostova dances at a ball with Pierre Bezukhov.
“Count, you have a spot on your cuff,” Natasha makes a remark.
Pierre goes into another room and, unable to bear the shame, hangs himself.
And Natasha is already dancing with Andrei Bolkonsky.
“Prince, you have a spot on your coat,” Natasha remarks.
Andrei goes into another room and, unable to bear the shame,
shoots himself.
And now it’s Lieutenant Rzhevsky’s turn.
-Lieutenant, your boots are dirty...
-Don’t worry, madam, it’s not dirt, but shit, sir. Now
It will dry out and fall off on its own...
34. Lieutenant Rzhevsky tells the hussars his dream.
-I'm walking through the forest and I see...
“Ass!!!” the hussars shout, knowing perfectly well the Lieutenant’s style.
- No, I see a small house, so I approach this house
and I see...
“Ass!!!” the hussars shout.
- No, it’s a door, I walk through this door and see...
“Ass!!!” the hussars shout.
-Yes,-Lieutenant Rzhevsky was confused, - what, I’ve already given you this dream
did you tell me?
35. Young Lieutenant Rzhevsky read in a book about the rules
good form on how to talk to ladies. There were given
sample topics of conversation: about animals, about the weather, about music, about
love.
The lieutenant was not slow to take advantage of the advice and decided
meet a lady who was walking her lapdog.
“What a small dog you have,” said the Lieutenant and, coming closer,
I kicked her with my boot and something flew low, apparently to the rain. However I
Lieutenant Rzhevsky, I have a drum at home, let’s go and have some sex...
36.-Lieutenant, would you like to become a swan and swim?
in this pond?
-Hey, I want to wet my ass...
37. Pierre Bezukhov wakes up after the ball.
-Oh, you got drunk yesterday, master, and you also shit yourself...
- Yes, it’s not me, it’s Lieutenant Rzhevsky for me...
38. In the morning, Lieutenant Rzhevsky leaves Natasha Rostova.
- Lieutenant, what about the money?
- Well, madam, hussars don’t take money!
39. “Oh, you fucking fucking cunt,” said
Lieutenant Rzhevsky cursed dirtyly.
40. Lieutenant Rzhevsky rides around Moscow in a cab.
“Oh, look, it’s an ass,” the Lieutenant shouts to the cab driver.
“It’s not an ass, but a young lady,” the cab driver answers.
“Oh, look, it’s an ass,” the Lieutenant shouts again to the cab driver.
“It’s not an ass, but a policeman,” the cab driver answers.
“Hm-yes,” says Lieutenant after a while, “after all, Moscow
boring town already twoWe drove miles, but not a single ass
didn't meet...
41. Podkolesin plays the lieutenant in the theater. As always he forgot
role, and the prompter tells him.
“Get married or something,” whispers the prompter.
“GET MARRIED SOMETHING,” repeats Rzhevsky.
“There’s no money,” whispers the prompter.
“YES THERE IS NO MONEY,” the Lieutenant repeats.
“Get up slowly,” the prompter prompts.
“BUT SOMETHING IS SLOWLY GETTING UP...,” says Rzhevsky.
42. Lieutenant Rzhevsky dances at a ball with Natasha Rostova.
“Lieutenant, let’s play innuendo,” says Natasha.
-How is this?
-If I tell you, for example, “Lieutenant, kiss me on the R...”,
You must guess and kiss my hand.
-Oh, I understand, Natasha.
-Then it's your turn.
-Natasha, take my dick with two R...
43. The Rostov family sells furniture. It comes to the room
Natasha.
-Madam, how much does this bed cost?
-It is not for sale, it is a memory of my intimate relationships
with Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
-Madam, how much does this piano cost?
-It is not for sale, it is a memory of my intimate relationships
with Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
-Madam, how much does this wardrobe cost?
-It is not for sale, it is a memory of my intimate relationships
with Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
-Excuse me, but there is only one chandelier left...
-You are mistaken, Lieutenant Rzhevsky was a great entertainer...
44. -Lieutenant, I heard that you are marrying the countess
Ligovskaya, but you know that the whole of Tambov sleeps with her...-Fi, Tambov, I was there, twenty thousand men, no more.
45. “Lieutenant, is this glass or opal?” asks Natasha,
pointing to the Lieutenant's ring.
“First it was glass, and then it fell,” he answers, not understanding the question.
Rzhevsky.
46. -Natasha, are you without panties again today?
-How did you know, Lieutenant?
-Dandruff on slippers...
47. -Lieutenant, do you play the guitar?
-I'm playing.
-And on the piano?
-Of course I play.
-And on the drum?
-And on the drum too.
-And on the harp, Lieutenant?
-No, there isn’t one on the harp—the cards slip through the strings...
48. The gentlemen hussars came up with a new type of billiards. Billy has
The pockets of the ard table are removed and naked women are placed in their place.
If a hussar sends a ball directly between his legs, then he is awarded
kiss her hand. Lieutenant Rzhevsky found out about this.
-Listen, isn’t it better to just fuck them?
-Well, when Lieutenant Rzhevsky comes, he will forever vulgarize everything...
49. -Lieutenant, you promised to marry me...
-Well, you never know what I promised TO WHOM!!!
50. Lieutenant Rzhevsky plays Chatsky.
-I’m not a rider here anymore... Not a rider... Not a rider...
Ugh, damn, I forgot!!!
51. The lieutenant asks Natasha Rostova at the ball:
-Natasha, why is there a cutout on your glove?
-So that men could kiss my hand...
“Ah,” said the lieutenant, “now I understand why.”
there is a slit in my overcoat.
52. Lieutenant Rzhevsky is riding on the train, lying on the top shelf.
Hear the lady belowsays:
-Darling, remember, never put your eggs on silver,
it becomes dull because of this.
“Live and learn,” thought Lieutenant Rzhevsky and shifted his
a cigarette case from a trouser pocket into a jacket.
53. The lieutenant was asked to play Othello. He refuses
but he was given a cheat sheet on which to speak the role. This piece of paper
I fitted it to the inside of my jacket and went on stage.
-Desdemona! Infection, bitch, bastard! - looks at the piece of paper, -
You are silent,
pause, haha three times.
54. -What are you thinking about, Lieutenant?
-About the same thing you are talking about, Natasha.
-Ugh, Lieutenant, what a vulgar you are!
55. -Lieutenant, why aren’t the ladies offended by your vulgarities?
-And my word never diverges from deeds.
56. Natasha Rostova asks the lieutenant a riddle:
- Lieutenant, guess what it is - small, gray,
in the genital slit - whack!!!
The lieutenant hesitates:
- Natasha, but this is indecent, hmm...
- Lieutenant, what are you talking about, it’s a mouse!
The lieutenant takes off his pince-nez in surprise:
- Mouse??? In the pussy??? Original!
57. Three ladies argue about which is more painful: giving birth or having an abortion
or lose your maiden honor.
-Oh, have you ever hit your balls with a frying pan?-
Lieutenant Rzhevsky intervenes in the conversation.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The serpent Gorynych somehow got hold of one village. I ate everyone without
parsing.
And how many valiant heroes he devoured......it’s impossible to count.
HereThree Armenians come to the village and say: “We will
this
Let's make a hole! They are told: “What are you talking about! Will eat no bones
will spit it out." And they: "We don't give a fuck@!$$%#^."
Well, let them go and fuck Gorynych. The day they left, no
them.
Second, no. THIRD - NO!!! Well, the residents dared and trudged along
to Gorynych's lair, and there... Two macaws give their heads a slap on the cheek
the third strokes Gorynych’s head and says: “Poor bird! If
if you had one head and three ass, you would have flown away a lot
faster"
----------------------------------------------------------------
In fact, this is a poem known to everyone since the third grade.
high school:
How nice it is to have a stinking corpse
Gnawing the tendons of the legs,
And the stinking meat sliding
Tear off a half pound piece,
Take out the eye, yellowed from mold,
Put it on a plate
Refuel the stinking gut
And wash it down with warm pus.
I'm walking on dew
Bare feet wet
I'm just like everyone else
I want an Ibats...
Don't walk on dew
Don't wet your bare feet
Better sit on a tree stump
And like everyone else, JERK OFF....
The teacher asks the children:
- Children, what is the biggest fish in the world?
Masha: - Shark.
Petya: - Keith.
Vovochka: - Fuck.
Teacher: Vovochka, get out of class.
After the lesson, the teacher educates Vovochka:
- Vovochka, it’s not nice to talk like that.
Vovochka: and this is me fromI heard my dad's friend. He arrived from
resort and says:
- I caught such a whore there! I fried it for a whole month.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Here's from the same series:
America, England and Russia argued on the topic: “Who is King Kong?”
more."
The Englishman says:
- Ash King Kong is as tall as BigBen. There are clouds in the center of London
accelerates.
American:
- Ash King Kong has one foot in North America, the other in
South and holds two planets in his hands.
Russian:
- And these two planets are the eggs of our King Kong.
----------------------------------------------------------------
- We are not vulgar - the dragoons are vulgar: they fuck horses!
-Ugh! How low is this, lieutenant!!!
-Nothing! They are pushing the cart.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, Alex!
> Pig with horseradish......... 5-60
> Pig without horseradish........ 5-30
> Pig horseradish............. 0-30
When I was in the 30th FMS, in the canteen there the menu was printed on
typewriter (and strictly in capital letters) on company letterhead, and
names of dishes
As a rule, they didn’t fit in completely.
As a result, such abbreviations arose, for example:
COMPOTE FROM FRESH APPLES.
PIE WITH APPLE-OM.
And then the whole school came to the cafeteria and shouted:
“Well, what’s there today - another pie with FUCK?”
Best regards - Watson ibn Oleg.----------------------------------------------------------------
GL> Here’s a riddle from real life:
GL> A guy has 2 condoms and 3 cool girlfriends, but all with
different
GL> venereal diseases. The question is how to fuck him
these friends,
GL> so that not a single infection passes to him, but also not a single one
no girlfriends
GL> got a new infection? Ass?
I think it's done like this:
1) 2 condoms are put on and girl number 1 is fucked.
2) One condom is removed and girl number 2 is fucked.
3) Put the second condom turned inside out back on and
Girl number 3 gets fucked.
----------------------------------------------------------------
sts> 21. Lieutenant Rzhevsky is lying in bed with Natasha Rostova.
sts> -You, Natasha, are just like a heating radiator, - he does
compliment
sts> Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
sts> -What, so warm?
sts> -No, it’s so ribbed...
Natasha was offended and said:
-And you, lieutenant, are as dick as the London Express.
-Is it as long?
-No, it only costs two minutes.
----------------------------------------------------------------
We mow, we mow,
Let's throw away the braids.
We'll put on skates -
We'll fuck it up.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Good Day Watson!
09 Nov 92, Watson ibn Oleg writes to ILYA SAMOILOFF:
WiO> This situation is described as followsfunction:
WiO> 1 - Sign(K-3/2)
WiO> Y = (K - N*(K-1) - 1/2) * ─────────────── , where K is the number
participant
WiO>2 (Emmanuel=0).
No wonder you won’t succeed, because... you don't take into account the phases of mutual
system vibrations! Now, if you still multiply by
cos(Q)*cos(phi)*exp(-delta*K)*F, where
Q - oscillation phase between K-1 & K;
phi - oscillation phase between K & K+1;
delta - a certain force attenuation coefficient, depends on each
a specific person.
F is the actual push force.
Thus, when the system is brought into resonance, it will
obey your formula, but only in resonance. And so on
in fact, you will have to take into account such a parameter as elasticity
occurrences...
----------------------------------------------------------------
PS> 1 Tatar is an uninvited guest,
An uninvited guest is BETTER than a Tatar (from the resolution of the CPSU Central Committee on
national issue)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Old, of course, but very useful:
Pinocchio comes home and says: “Papa Carlo, Malvina
complains that after we did THIS with her, she has splinters in her pussy
remain." Papa Carlo gives him sandpaper.
A week later, dad Carlo was interested in how things were going there.
Pinocchio, and says: “Hey, how’s Malvina?”, and Pinocchio tells him
they will answer, “Why should IMalvina? I have sandpaper
there is....." Ж8-()
----------------------------------------------------------------
Fucking mother, what a word,
Not like "BITCH" or "FUCK"
It's not that the mother was fucked,
And just like that, FUCKING MOTHER!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------
The lieutenant is walking with Natasha Rostova. Natasha asks:
- Lieutenant! Why are you so sad? Look, everything is around
It's blooming, the birds are singing...
- Wow! - the lieutenant perks up. - Speaking of birds: my
The cornet's friend can fit sixteen crows and three blackbirds on his dick.
- Ugh! Lieutenant, you can’t be so straightforward!
- Wow! Speaking of straightforwardness: when my friend cornet fucks
a cow, its horns straighten.
- Lieutenant!!!! There is a vacuum in your head!
- Wow! Speaking of vacuum: when my friend cornet takes out his dick
from a cow, she sucks in a haystack.
- Lieutenant, can you throw three sticks?
- I can.
- How about five?
- I can.
- How about ten?
- I can.
- What about fifteen?
- Mmmmmmm... Well, you can.
- How about twenty?
- Fool! My mare died on the sixteenth!
And off topic:
My friend and I are dicks
They broke the jambs.
Are we really going to go to jail?
For such trifles?
----------------------------------------------------------------
Odi hakhol - to another:
- Listen, Zaebaylo, how funny it issurname - Hare!
----------------------------------------------------------------
I remember what I read in the toilet next to the office during my school years
matana:
> While I was sitting here and shitting
> My dick curled up into an integral...
From your fucking rhymes
My dick curled into a logarithm.
On the bus:
- Ticket, please deflorate...
SI> -We are not vulgar - the dragoons are vulgar: they fuck horses!
SI> -Ugh! How low is this, lieutenant!!!
SI> -Nothing! They are pushing the cart.
The lieutenant breaks into Natasha's room exactly at midnight. She's gone. On the table
note:
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+ It’s late, lieutenant, Natasha is with us +
+ Timur and his team. +
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
IS> What fellow
IS> Is something dripping from the end?
It's black on the outside, red on the inside,
How can you put it in so beautifully?
(galoshes)
There is a Russian word that
We mustn't forget him
both old and young and everyone repeats:
Oh dear, fuck your mother...
They say they have their own culture abroad,
and we should sneeze at culture,
both old and young and everyone repeats:
Oh dear, fuck your mother...
And the Germans are already under Poctobom,
but we haven’t seen ours yet.
here the grandfather with a three-ruler climbs out of the trench:
Gotcha! Fuck your mother!
Japanese pilot Uncle Vasya,
shooting down the seventh plane
and inserting a Russian apt word:
Are you burning?! Well, fuck your mother!
And the two met in the fieldbrother
and there is nothing to say to the brothers.
- Hello Andryukha, fuck in the ear!
- Great, fuck your mother!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Nimen hao penyumen Boris!
15 Nov 92, Boris Paleev ══ All:
BP> Does anyone know how to say “I am a trade union member” in Chinese?
BP> Here's how (according to Alex Povolotsky, /75.4, and Max
Klochkova, /99):
BP> WO SHI JI XYHb FUCK HUYUAN
It doesn't look like it. "HUY" means "to speak" in Chinese. Let's say "phrase book"
will be "HUIHUA" ("HUA" - "language"), and the phrase "do you speak
in Russian"
- "HUHb FUCK BU FUCK SHO EGOHUA."
----------------------------------------------------------------
---=== Don't Worry, Be Happy ===---
/DWBH/
---=== Express BBS 2:5080/23 (17.00 - 06.30 MSC) ===---
S~/~S
----------------------------------------------------------------
Share your thoughts about the article