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▒▒▒▒░ ▀▀▀▀▄ Mr.ZERO
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░░15.03.96░░░░ ░ R ▀▀▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄
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It's a new Friday and we're on air - HELLO EVERYONE! ! !
And so, anyone who has ever read news from ALEX knows that
Alexey works and sometimesmakes fun of the boss. Yes
Now I’ll tell you about my incident at work (I did not participate in it).
HERE: Introducing everyone together, lunch, the time is 12:20 and now...
In a small room (4 by 3 meters (approximately)) there are 6 (six) mu-
Zhikov, including me. One sits at IBM and works in Texas
tom editor, and Radim sits p....l and scratches his tongue. Pass-
It lasts 5.10 minutes, the guy at the computer couldn’t stand it and warned me something...
he wouldn't yell. Another 5 minutes, the guy at the computer explodes and says
he says (jokingly) that they should tape his mouth shut. Everyone understands this and accepts it
Scotch tape They begin to tape his mouth, hold his hands, he twitches,
but the mouth was sealed. They present an idea so that they bring their hands - it’s done. Next
There are ideas for tying everything to him, but they want him. He sits in
in this position for about 1 minute, stands up and says through clenched teeth:
-DUDUKI.
He begins to wave his hands, gesticulate, and twitch. In minutes
5 he unties himself. He yelled, but quickly calmed down after looking at
Scotch tape And he begins to tell a joke:
Two deaf and dumb people meet, one says (shows) to the other:
- Oh, yesterday I was visiting, and my hands are acting up. - Pointing with my hands.
“What happened?” asks another.
- Yes, everyone sang songs together!
They were right, but they learned that after such a perversion with
a man. I peed myself so cool.
Guys, it’s the end, time is running out on the release - POKEDOVA! ! !
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I am assembling a custom phone with Caller ID! Some characteristics:
- phone case type TECHNICA P-2308 (PANASONIC family)
- extended keyboard (22 buttons)
- giant flat red indicator (90X20 mm)
- ELLIS type caller ID circuitry
- software version RUS 20E+
- instruction manual
My pre-shaved phone comes with a 2 YEAR WARRANTY!!!
Cost - 215-225 tr, no prepayment!!!
(at the Mitinsky radio market it’s more expensive - 250-300 rubles).
Assembly time is 3-7 days.
I also carry out:
- repair of caller IDs of any type
- replacing software versions with the latest ones.
- installation of voice cards for 1 min. and 4 min.
Voice board is an electronic answering machine designed to
to record the voice of callers.
QUALITY GUARANTEED!!!
Call: (095) 496-61-59 (IGOR)
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God decided to take a steam bath.
Well, it means God is steaming in the bathhouse, then he needed soap.
God looks and his soap has disappeared somewhere and says to the men:
- Give me my soap, it will be like it was yesterday!!!
Silence
- Give me the soap and it will be like it was yesterday!!!
Silence again
God (in a deafening voice):
- Give me my soap, otherwise it will be bad what happened yesterday!!!
The man who was standing next to him got scared, gave away his soap and said
rith:
- Take your soap, just tell me what happened yesterday?
God:
- What, what, againthey didn’t give away the soap!!!
During the lesson, the teacher asks the children:
- Children, who will go to the board and draw a vessel?
Vovochka went to the board and drew a penis.
Teacher:
- Vovochka, what kind of vessel is this?
Vovochka:
- They suck, they suck, they still suck!!!
Ivan the Fool got lost in the forest and in the evening he came to a woman’s hut
Yagi. He knocked and asked Baba Yaga to let him in to spend the night.
- Okay, you can go to bed with my daughter, or at the door, where-
bpuke. Ivan thought, if Baba Yaga is scary as hell, then so is her daughter.
no better. - Thank you, Yaga, I’ll be on the doormat somehow
I'll sleep with you. Ivan wakes up in the morning - his bones are aching, he goes out into the yard
and sees a girl of fabulous beauty there.
Ivan - Who are you?!!!
- I am the daughter of Baba Yaga, and who are you?
- And I’m Ivan (hitting himself on the forehead with his fist) - FOOL!!!
A boy and a girl of a very young age and scantily dressed are playing
sandbox. The boy pays attention to the girl, puts it aside
shoulder blade and adjusting his glasses, he says, looking below her navel:
- Did you leave?
Girl: Nope!
- Are you sweating?
Girl: Nope!
Boy, thoughtfully:
- Statutory construction...
The Beatles came to Moscow, well, they give all sorts of concerts there, the audience
I'm delighted with them. (M)akarevich somehow approaches (D)John Leno-
well he says:
M: - Listen, John, can you do me one little favor?
D: - Yes, of course, Andrey.
M: - Tomorrow at 10-00, look out of the window of your room and say:
- Hello buddy, how are you?
D: - No problem, gladhelp :)
The next day, Sabzh is walking down the street with Telka (!), here from the window
John shouts to D: - Hello friend, how are you!!!!!
M: - Fuck you...
The Cossack delegation brought a herd of horses and praise to the queen as a gift.
It is clear that no one has better horses.
“Thank you,” says the queen, “but I have grazing nearby.”
the herd is no worse than this...
“What kind of food is grazing there,” the chieftain answers, “and where did we get these?”
So the man came to the doctor:
- Doctor, you see, I can’t...
The doctor looked and said:
- You're worried, you need to eat more food containing phosphorus...
After a while this guy shows up again
to the same doctor:
- Doctor, I can’t...
- Well, I told you - eat more phosphorus
- No... you don’t understand - I don’t have...
it glows, but it's not worth it...
The boy comes up to his dad and says:
- Dad, I'm getting married!
- Interesting, well, on whom?
- On Kolya.
- So it’s a boy!!?
- Wow boy, 35 years old!
A Jew comes to the factory to get a job
-Take it as a turner
- Let's take it, write a statement
-Yes, I can’t write
-Well, then we won’t take it if you don’t even know how to write.
A couple of years later, the same Jew in the States buys a Cadillac, pays
in cash they tell him
- Well, we could accept the check
-If I could write, I would work in the Union as a turner at a factory.
tal
Girl returning home from school:
- Mom, do you know where Napoleon died?
- Where?
- On St. Helena.
- Lord, whatNow they teach you nasty things.
Girl to mother:
- Mom, why doesn’t dad have hair on his head?
- Because our dad thinks a lot.
- Why do you have so much?
- Shut up and eat!
Dad, when you were young, who did you love more?
- We know who, your mother.
- And now who?
- Tsits, you bastard!
- My wife decided to lose weight and took up horse riding.
- So how?
- The horse has already lost 5 kilograms.
A small, recently hatched (D)rocket met (O)pla
(Oh) Little dragon, do you want me to teach you to fly?
(D) I want it.
(Oh) Well then, let's climb this mountain. To this mountain in your own
time rose my father, my father's father, my father's father's father
(they stood up)
(Oh) You know, little Dragon. In this way in due time
My father, my father's father, my father's father's father learned to fly.
...
(pushes the little dragon off the edge of the abyss)
(D) Ahhhh!!! Fuck I wanted your father, your father's father, father
your father's father...
Seven (k)angry kids caught the wolf and let it go in a circle.
Q: - What are you doing, wolves!
K: - Shut your mouth, you goat!
The bosses, naturally, asked why the children were swearing, which means
swear; how it was. One says:
- I’m standing, holding the ladder on which Ensign Ivanov is conducting the wiring
soldering. Suddenly his soldering iron breaks off, which means the red-hot
tin gets on me. I politely say to him like this: “Comrade
Ensign, can't you see that hot tin is dripping down the collar?shirts for your comrade?"
The first (P) Chukchi asks the second (c):
(P) - Listen, however, what do you think, am I smarter than a walrus?
(c) - Much, however!
(P) - So, tomorrow I’m going to Moscow.
(c) - Why?
(P) - I read that in Moscow the mayor is a walrus. I'll be the president
however!
The wife (f) meets her husband (m) from work. He stumbles in drunk and with
black eye.
(f) - Well, what happened?
(m) - You know my relationship with Petrov from the 32nd!
(f) - And again you didn’t react at all...
(m) - I didn’t react! Yes, that’s how I reacted!
(g) - And what did you do?
(m) - I fell...
Students from the Agricultural Institute came to practice, as many as 4 people
We went to the boss and asked him to give us a job. He looked at them and said
(P) -We need to walk the cow, do you know how?
(C) - How not to know, they themselves are not boys!
and left with it. About ten minutes later the student comes running covered in
soapy, out of breath:
-We still need a couple of people first.
The people give him over, After a while he runs again
-The people still need it.
(P) -Why couldn’t you cope with it with six of you???
(C) -They dealt with the cow and put it on its back. And here's a bull on her
no.
One genatsvale says to another:
- Listen, I had such a dream last night!
- Well, tell me quickly!!!
- Well, that means I bought myself a 600 Mercedes and drove it around Tbilisi -
here, there here... Wah...
The next day, another genatsvale tells the dream to the first:
- Wah, I saw such a dream last night, huh!
- Come on,genatsvale, tell me soon!
- Well, that means I’m sitting at home, they bring A. Pugacheva to me and I fuck her -
hai...
- WOW!
- Then they bring F. Kirkorov to me and I fuck him...
- WOW!!
- Then they bring S. Crawford to me, and I’m tired and can’t bear her
fuck...
- Daragoy, why didn’t you call me, I would have come and fucked her?
- Daragoy, I called you, and you’re in a 600 Mercedes in Tbilisi there -
here, back and forth...
On the first wedding night, a (M) man with a young (F) wife.
They are lying on the bed. (M) lies and jerks off
F: And my mother told me that the 1st wedding night can be painful and
a lot of blood
M: Now I’ll cum and give you the fuck.
A man is sitting in a restaurant, suddenly a cool girl sits down next to him
girl. A man orders champagne, they drink...
After some time, the man puts his hand on the girl’s knee,
begins to slowly lead upward. The girl suddenly says: “What are you
you are looking for, it is located behind my left ear, because I am a model
Salvador Dali...
They caught a guy in the park and told him:
Mr. That's it, write your will. Let's make a will
P - Guys, there are a lot of you, put them down anyway, let them warm up
G - Warm up
P crouches, jumps, etc.
G - Eh dude, are you a boxer or what?
P - Nooooo, runner!!!
It happened a long time ago. One landowner came to church for confession. Just like
As expected, the priest asks:
- Sinful?
He answers:
- I’m a sinner, father.
Pop:
- Tell me, what?
- Yes, father, I’m a widower, but I want to live. I have a cook, she’s young.
, but too ugly, from smallpoxpockmarked. And I have a picture where
a beautiful naked woman is drawn. I made the painting in the right
there are cuts in places, I put kyxapky in bed, cover it with a picture and do
your own business.
The priest thought and said:
- This is of course a big sin, but the idea is ideal.
Director's reception room. Phone call. Secretary:
- Yes.
- Girl, give your phone to the director.
- Firstly, I’ve been a lady for a long time, not a girl. And, secondly, I don’t indiscriminately
I give it to anyone. I connect the director.
2 friends met.
- Oh, Kolya, it’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other. I heard you got married? This is true?
- Yes, indeed, he got married.
- And how is your wife?
- Nothing.
- What kind of answer is nothing. Like nothing?
- Guys sometimes sleep with her. They praise her.
The wife says to her husband:
- Why are you walking around so sad?
- These are my problems.
- There are no “my” and “your” problems, there are “our” problems.
- OK then. “Our” mistress became pregnant and “we” will have
child on the side.
An intellectual asks the cashier in the bathhouse:
- Is your bathhouse operational?
(K) - What?
(I) - Well... is the bathhouse working?
(k) - Yeah!
(I) - Does water circulate through the pipes?
(K) - What?
(I) - Well... does water flow through the pipes?
(K) - Yeah!
(I) - Then please give me a ticket for one person!
(K) - Why aren’t you going to wash your ass??!
Three “famous” hunters are sitting and telling stories.
First: I once killed a bear - a connecting rod made of small pieces. Pre-
you bet, hit him right in the navel, he came untied, his intestines spilled out -
Luckily, I didn’t even have to gut it!
Second: What is it, here I amOnce in Africa I soaked five in a gorge
elephants with grapeshot, it ricocheted off the walls and killed everyone......
Third: That's okay, but have you heard about the Dead Sea?
1st and 2nd: you heard, of course!
Third: So, it’s me...
Lieutenant Rzhevsky plays at the Chatsky Theater:
- I’m no longer a rider here... not a rider... not a rider...
Ugh, fuck, I forgot!
The phone rings in the church. The priest picks up the phone.
- Hello, father, this is from the city party committee. There are not enough chairs. When-
send us 12 pieces.
Priest: - Shish for you, not chairs! Last time I gave benches,
so you scratched them with vulgarity!
- Oh, yes! Then send you pioneers to the church choir!
- Oh, give us some pioneers for the church choir? Then shush you monks
subbotnik!
- Oh, give us monks for the subbotnik? Then send you Komsomol members
to the procession!
- Oh, send us Komsomol members to the religious procession? Then shush you
nuns to the Finnish bathhouse!
- But for such words, father, you can throw your party card on the table -
live!
The traffic cop decided to make money (make money), he sees a car
goes. Stopped, the driver asks:
- If the right wheel bursts, where will the car go?
- I don’t know!
- Give me a fine! 50 thousand!
The next day - the same thing. In general, a week has passed. In obvious
Rarely does a traffic cop stop a guy:
- If the right wheel...
The man takes a wrench out of the trunk:
- Listen, if you hit him on the head with a tire iron, what shoe should you wear?
will the lace come undone?
A man walked intobar on the second floor and ordered a drink. His neighbor
started a conversation with him about air currents in this area and,
finally said:
"Let me show you." With these words he went to the window and jumped out.
nuled out of it, spun a little in the air and flew back.
"You see how powerful the air currents are. Try it, you too
you can." After much persuasion, the first man made up his mind. He is
walked to the window, jumped out and fell to the ground.
The bartender looked at the second one and said: “Listen, Superman, how
But you can be vile when you get drunk."
A huge cowboy from Texas, when he first came to New York,
went to a fancy restaurant and ordered a steak. The waiter served it
"with blood." Looking at the steak, the Texan demanded that it
immediately sent to the kitchen and finished cooking.
“Yes, he’s quite ready,” the waiter objected.
- Ready? Nothing of the kind! - exclaimed the cowboy. - I saw how
cows have survived worse alterations!
Wife to husband: The car is not in order. There is water in the carburetor.
Husband: Nonsense. You probably don't even know what a carbure is.
tor.Where is the car?
Wife: In the pool.
An American doctor went to Heaven and met God. He allowed
ask him one question. The doctor asked: “Will there ever be a re-
form of health care?"
“I have good news and bad news,” God answered.
- There will be reform, but not during my lifetime.
Black Sea coast. Beach.
A flying saucer arrives, two athletic people come outman, fuck all the beautiful women, return to flying
plate and fly away...
The next day the same thing repeats...
On the third day a flying saucer arrives, they go out, and to them
- queue. One woman flies up and asks: “And you have everything there?
LIKE THIS?"
Man: “Everyone has SUCH ones, but flying saucers are only owned by Givi and
me."
(M)zhik means he enters the elevator and on the landing (D)a girl plays...
(D) Uncle...
(M) Leave me alone girl!
(D) Uncle!
(M) Well, what do you want!
(D) Dude, there is no elevator there...
(M) Shit-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
A soldier comes from the army and gets a job.
They ask him:
- What can you do?
- This one, I can dig...
- Can you do anything else?
- This one, I don’t have to dig...
- uh, and besides this?
- I can also hide a shovel so that you can find your dick...
The cop is asked:
- They'll put all the pressure on you, where will you work?
- I’ll become an ensign...
- And general disarmament will come, the military will not be needed, where
will you go?
- To the fire department...
- And new non-flammable composite polymers will be invented to prevent fires
it won’t, where will you go?
- But I still won’t do anything...
A little boy is crying on the street, Bogdan Titomir comes up,
makes a fan of his fingers, the pose “Do as I do!”:
- Great, dude! Why are you grieving?
- Yes, I crap myself...
- No, dude, you're crap, and that's COOL!!! (fingers "goat"
up).
The same guy, and even with one and both are drunk, and the first one finallybarely on
legs. The first one wanted to go for a little something, so he asks
second:
- Please, unzip my fly and get Him out of there.
The second one ends up in the pocket instead of the fly, but the first one had it there
cucumber
- Listen Vasya, I think I tore him off!?
- Hmm, I feel blood gushing down my legs!
Why does Count Suvorov keep eating and eating?
- Well, after all, the post has already passed, they gave me a star - BURN, sir!
- Why is Suvorov, Alexander Vasilich, not eating anything?
- Yes, mother, he’s not breathing....
- Why is Suvorov, Alexander Vasilich, not eating anything?
- So fasting, mother, it’s impossible until the first star, sir....
- Come on, star there Suvorov, Alexander Vasilich...
- Why doesn’t Count Suvorov eat anything?
- Well, you can’t, sir, mother, you can’t do it without a fork, sir...
- Why is Suvorov, Alexander Vasilich, not eating anything?
- I'm overeating, mother, I'm overeating...
- Why does Count Suvorov keep eating and eating?
- To hell with you, mother!
- Pussy Count Suvorov!
The climber (A) breaks down and miraculously (no jokes!) clings to
something on the rock...
A: Hangs and thinks: “That’s it, screw it up...”.
Suddenly he sees a grandfather sitting nearby on a rock on a small ledge.
(D)...
A: Grandfather, who are you???
D: I am a magician, a dear man.
A: Save grandpa!!! Ask for anything you want!!
D: I don’t need anything, jump down, everything will be fine....
Jumped down A and that's it.. Wet place...
And the grandfather sat and sat and said thoughtfully:
- Yes, I’m still a lousy magician....
In short... the painters inthe kindergarten is being renovated... Well, the children have begun...
Should I swear... They call the workers and say what's going on
Let's be careful - children are still...
Well, the next day two people are painting - one is painting on the stairs,
the other is holding the ladder... And then, the one on the ladder, drops his
shot to the head of the second...
Second:
- Well, Vasya... Vasya... Well, you're wrong,... Vasya!
The teacher asks the little girl:
T: Who has the biggest balls?
Q: At the elephant!
U: Again you are on your own! The ostrich has the largest eggs!
Q: Oh Strauss, Strauss, I see he plays such slow waltzes
writes...
Russians and Georgians play chess.
1st - takes his queen, moves it and says - checkmate!
2nd - takes his king, twirls it in his hand and says - atEts!
A drunkard comes home, his wife and mothers meet him... he and her
says:
(A) I was here at Vaska’s, and you know what I saw! GOLDEN TOILET!
IN!
(F) Come on! Unhappy drunk! so that Vaska has a toilet
made of gold.. ha!
(A) No, I’m telling you for sure, MADE OF GOLD! I don't believe you, let's go let's go
together, let's see, they went up one floor to Vaska, knocking
came at the door..
Vaska’s wife opens the door and says (pointing her finger)
"VAS!!! THIS IS THE ONE WHO SHIT IN THE TROMBONE YESTERDAY?????"
Ilya Muromets is walking through Paris and Dartagnan jumps out from the corner and
draws a cross on his chain mail with chalk and says: Right now I’m talking about you
I stab with my sword exactly in the center of the cross.... Ilya turned around -
exists andsays come on, Dobryn, cover this asshole with chalk, I’ll do it right now
Fuck with a club......
Winnie and Piglet found a barrel of honey.
(B): Let's not eat like pigs - go get some spoons, Piglet!
Returning, (P) sees an empty barrel and a moaning Pooh.
(P): What's wrong with you, Vinny?
(B): Go away, pig, I feel bad!
A young surgeon should do the following:
- don’t press the scalpel so hard, there are already three operating tables
I had to write it off.
A husband waits in the waiting room of a maternity hospital for his wife to give birth.
Uckypeha, not one pack of cigarettes, a kilogram of nails on the floor... well -
worried. By the way, the little guy is very frail and nervous. And so
The office door opens and a huge obstetrician comes out.
He holds the child’s body by the leg. And with all his might he hits it against the wall.
well. He smiles mysteriously and about the other... The man rushes at the doctor and
tries to grab him by the throat, wailing: What are you doing?
The doctor removes him and runs the baby's head over the radiator
heating and again against the wall.
The husband falls to his knees and begins to cry. Then the doctor smiles in a friendly manner.
he is afraid, takes him by the shoulder, sits him on the couch and sentences
- Oh, yes, I was joking, he was born dead anyway!
A man (M) comes to the surgeon (X) and says:
(M) -Doctor, doctor, help me, I have a fork in my stomach.
(X) - I can’t have lunch
(M) -Doctor please, it hurts me
(X) -No I won’t
(M) - Doctor, please do something, I can’t do it anymore
(X) -Well, okay, so be it, I’ll help, (takes out the fork from the manfrom
belly puts it in his eye) go to the ophthalmologist without lunch.
Crossroads. On one side a Lada is approaching him, on the other
goy KrAZ. Thoughts of the Lada driver: “I’ll ride!!!” Driver's thoughts
KrAZ: “Fuck, you’ll slip past me!”
Grandma loads trunks onto the bus at the bus stop and asks
to the drug addict in front: -Son, hand over the money to that soldier-
Tiku, let him pay my fare. Narik takes the money and hands it over
forward: - Hey, soldier, buy a ticket for grandma... - I’m not a soldier, I’m a swearer -
growing up! Narik gives the money back to grandma: - Grandma, you're driving! We are
on the boat!
A worm crawls out of the ground, all show-off, in a red jacket
and a Japanese tie "ShireHari" And next to it is another worm - all
kind of dirty, shabby, shabby...
First to him:
- Come on! Sha! Jerk!
- Shut up, idiot, I'm your ass!
The girl shows the summer resident a room in the house that he can rent
t.
- But your ad says “room with amenities”
- but I don’t see any amenities! What does a room look like without amenities?
bstv???
- This is the same room when mom is serving it.
The young couple quarreled, the wife screams in tears that between
It’s all over for them and she goes to her mother forever. Collects things
the husband gives her money for the trip, the wife counts it and is indignant
exclaims:
- And on the way back?!
In court, the judge asks:
- The defendant called you an idiot, is that true?
- Yes!
- So why are you complaining?
(H)arcoman -botany teacher - asks
- What plants do you know, children?
1st - hemp
H - youngster, "5"
2nd - marijuana
H - youngster, "5"
3rd - cornflowers
H (disappointed) - how?
3rd - cornflowers!
H - oh, cornflowers, you say, what’s your last name?
3rd - Kosyachkov!!!
H (joyfully) - “5”, Kosyachkov, (dreamingly) - 5 joints!!!!!!
Crush on the tram. A man in a (Sh) blooper who stepped on a man's foot in
(K)epke:
- "Please forgive me for my awkwardness. Believe me, I
I did it by accident and once again I offer you my deepest apologies
(K): “And you, damn it, aren’t an intellectual, by any chance?”
(Sh): "What are you, what are you! Of course not! I'm a redneck just like you."
√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√ √√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√
HELLO:
ALEX,JAM,ART SOFT,STRYKER,CYBORG,OLDMAN,VALERY,STS,SRR,VDV Corp.
VT MASTER,PCI SOFT,409 SOFT,BOS FROM L.O.S.W,STEVER,DR.LONGMAN,
DR.ALCOHOL,EVIL-MAN ,AND OTHER SYSOP'S ,USER'S AND HACKER'S.
√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√ √√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√
CREDITS:
IDEA BY Mr.ZERO & M&G Corp.
INTRO BY Mr.ZERO
EDIT BY M&G Corp.
√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√ √√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√
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