[Denisbooks]: Denis Yatsutko. bidiot.log
(http://denisbooks.rema.ru/yatsutko/telegas/bidiot.log.html)
Denis YATSUTKO
bidiot.log ME + SP2
I now work in the sector of non-book media of regional scientific
universal library, popularly known as
Lermontovka. I always knew that there were a lot of idiots among people, but
so that there are so many... and such...
1.
A young man enters the department, silently hands over a check, a control
piece of paper, sits down at the computer, sits for about five minutes, then
turns to me and asks, somewhat confused:
-Where is the politics?
I don't understand what he's talking about:
- What policy?
- Hy, this... There is always politics in the lower left corner of the Internet... And
y You are not there...
2.
Girl with audio cassettes:
-Can you transfer this tape to this one for me?
- Yes, sure.
- Can I listen to this one while they are writing?
- No, unfortunately. The second tape recorder is now occupied by another
order.
- Isn’t it possible to go straight to this point? It's a two-cassette...
3.
Girl:
- I need to open my website.
- Create? Register?
- No, I already have it. I need to open it and look.
- No problem, sit down and watch...
- I can't. Will you help me?
- Okay, what is the address of your website?
He hands me a piece of paper that says:
olenka_imiarek_2000@mail.ru
4.
The most terrible category of visitors are students and graduate students,
looking for ready-made coursework, diplomas andabstracts. I'm some
I used to wonder how such people even get into higher education
institutions, and even more so in graduate schools, but then I got used to it, although
I haven't stopped being indignant...
A muscular young man jumps in and, without stopping,
jumping in place, flexing muscles and twirling in different
sides of the head, says:
- I need a diploma.
- What subject?
- In civilian terms.
- In civilian terms?
- The process.
- Write the topic on a piece of paper, come back in three hours, I’ll tell you
I'll show you what I found, and you decide whether it suits you or not...
- NO FUCK!! DOES IT TAKE A WHOLE THREE HOURS FOR A DIPLOMA?
5.
I inform the two girls that the finished work exactly matches
I couldn’t find them on the topic, but there are a lot of articles, books, works
on similar and related topics and that from these works they could well
to compose the abstract they need.
They look at me with sacred horror in their eyes:
- Oh, what should we do... Oh... We can’t do this... And you’re still in
Can't you watch it on another internet?
6.
A girl comes in and asks:
- How much does a specialist consultation cost you?
- Fifty rubles. Plus you pay for computer time - by
six rubles for every half hour.
- Okay, that suits me.
Goes to the cashier, pays for the consultation and an hour of work with
computer, walks to the car, sits down, I sit down next to him.
- So, what interests you?
- I want to learn how to program.
- -=8-o What?? Do you want itdone in an hour???
- What is not enough? How much should I pay?
I use interjections for a while, then a little
I calm down and try to explain that people take years to learn this and
how to do this in one or even several working days
impossible... She interrupts me:
- But I need to learn to program only for the Internet.
- What's the difference?.. - I begin, I was about to seethe again, but suddenly
some suspicions creep into my mind, and I begin
interrogation with passion, during which I find out what I had in
the girl says "program for the Internet": USE
BY EMAIL.
7.
A graceful old lady enters the department and silently heads towards
catalog boxes and starts poking around in them. After a few
asks for a minute:
- Young man, here are your records, cassettes... Where are they?
Internet directory?
8.
I recently built a website for the library. Yesterday the boss came in
advertising department (PhD; I don’t know which ones, though) and
asks:
- Denis, do you have a color cartridge?
“No,” I say.
- How are we going to print the website?
- Why print it out?
- How is this “what for”? We must send him to the ministry -
for approval...
9.
It is very difficult to communicate with the head of the automation department: he is everything
time growls and curses. And, I must say, I understand him... I came in
somehow to him for screwdrivers. An employee comes in with me
librariesand says that she has a problem with and without the computer
She won't need a specialist. When I got to her computer,
We find out that she downloaded files from the internet, and the problem is
is that she doesn't know how to put them together now
one folder. And these women run to him with similar questions
every five minutes.
10.
At the planning meeting, management informs employees that from February
difficulties may arise in paying for provider services, and
because "everything that may be needed must be pumped out of
Internet until February."
11.
The visitor, already puffing, moves something with the mouse on the desktop and suddenly
asks:
- What about you here - files are not transferred over the network?
- What? Why? What do you want to send where?
I walk over to his computer and see him hard at work dragging
Word document icon to the "Network" icon.
12.
The visitor complains that the Internet has disappeared. I come over and poke a couple
once in F5. Zero. I check the local network - it works. I climb into
Internet Explorer settings and I see that instead of "use
proxy" stands for "direct connection to the Internet"...
“I thought it would be faster this way,” the visitor justifies himself.
13.
Outraged visitor:
- Listen! Why is everything so slow??
- I warned you that this is the 486th SX. You said that you
satisfied.
- Yes, but I only have III at home and it works a hundred times faster!..
14.
A young man works with Photoshop. Turns to me:
- Do you have Stylus?There is?
- Eat.
- Thank you.
After a few minutes:
- It doesn’t work...
- What can’t you do?
- I don’t understand what file needs to be put in the stylus to do Photoshop
Russian has become...
15.
I scanned photos for the client, I put the files on his floppy disk,
I do it with headlights.
Client:
- Excuse me, but could you copy them better with a conductor?
- ??? For what?
- The fact is that I don’t have any dos at home...
16.
The head of the advertising sector (PhD) brings an announcement
for posting on website:
On September 12, a club meeting will be held at the Rare Books Department
GNOSIS. Topic "Vladimir Solovyov and Islam (100 years since
death)".
17.
- Young man, help me insert the floppy disk into the computer.
- You said that you know how to work with a computer...
- I can. I’m not asking you to type the text for me. A floppy disk
I shouldn’t be able to insert: I’m a user.
18.
A woman with a romantic idiot in her gaze:
- Can you make me a page on the Internet?
- For a certain fee.
- And in America they will be able to read it?
- Certainly.
- And in Stavropol?
- Of course.
- Is it possible to make it so that my colleagues at work cannot read it?
work, but everyone else could?
19.
The client copies the abracadabra from the window to the stylus window. I notice
I come up, close the stylus, switch the encoding to IE. Via
for a few minutes the client, sitting on an English-language website, tries to
translate by choosing different Cyrillic encodings.20.
- Why doesn’t your computer want to read my letters?
(All emails are MS Word documents sent as attachments)
- Because Word is not installed on it. I tell you about this
warned.
- But you said that it has Windows?
- Eat.
- And Windows always read my letters. All you had to do was use the mouse
click.
21.
- Excuse me, but where is Ward?
- No.
- Non-Russian, probably...
- What?
- You probably don’t have a Russian computer, since you don’t have Word.
22.
- I need a list of references for my dissertation in sociology.
- What topic are you writing on?
- I already wrote. All I have left is literature.
- -=8-0 How could you write a DISSERTATION without literature??
- And I have one book by a Polish sociologist... Well, you
can you find me a list of references in uhtepehete?
-Have you tried looking at the UHUOH signs?
- What is this??
23.
- You can find me on the Internet a report on practice in
Stavropol administration?
- That is?.. A report form? Standard?
- No... I did an internship in the administration... I need
submit a report... Or maybe you have it on your disks?
24.
A girl comes in. Asks:
- You can, I’ll work for you, and then the results will be sent to your computer
will I throw it over?
I have been working in the library recently, I don’t know everyone by sight, and therefore
I decide that this is a library employee who needed a scanner
or photoshop, or something else missing from her work
place, and therefore I answer:- Work for your health.
A couple of hours later she says:
- I have everything ready. How can I transfer this to my computer now?
“Now,” I say, “just a second... What is your computer?”
name?
- What name? Hey, Pentium...
- No. What name does he appear on the Internet under?
- I don’t know... I can tell you the address...
- What is the address?.. Hy, name it.
- Mira Street, building one hundred and ninety...
- Stop!!. What address are you giving??? Are you a library employee?!
- No...
- Are you connected to the library network?
- I don’t know... Is she special in some way?
- Do you have a modem?
- What is this?
- Have you ever accessed the Internet from home?
- No, but I know that information from computer to computer can be
pass... I left it plugged in...
- Which network?
- To the electric...
- Oh... Do you at least have a floppy disk?
- No...
25.
Today I was scared. I'm already used to idiots. I'm used to that
students don't write essays that graduate students write with great
the number of spelling errors that the Photoshop interface
they try to translate with a stylus, etc., but today...
A girl comes in and orders a course paper. The topic is formulated very
long and very specific. Something like "Reperception especially
fuel from unexpected energy resources in the last
Kali Yuga quarter in the non-chernozem special risk zone of the south
Australia and its economic impact on the legal aspect
skin diseases of the antipodes, obopmotovand the aborigines of Kurland
duchy." I looked and said: "The finished coursework is exactly for
I most likely won’t be able to find your topic, but if you want, I
I can look for something on related topics, and then you do it yourself
ckomnohyete, what do you need." She looks at me blankly and
asks: “How is this?” I say: “What don’t you understand?” - "What
is _adjacent_?" I say: "Do you not understand the word _adjacent_?" She
says: “Hey, yes...” I begin to slowly slide to the floor and
I clarify: “You don’t know the meaning of the word _adjacent_? you write
coursework and don’t know the word _adjacent_?” She: “Listen, I
only in my third year, I’m writing my coursework for the first time and I
I don't know that..."
At this point I couldn’t stand it anymore and said: “Girl, get out of here.”
good-bye... You study at a higher educational institution and do not
you know words that you should have known since you were seven or eight years old,
maximum... Go before my conscience wakes up and I start
find out from you the place of your studies, the names of your teachers and
etc. "She left, swearing at the entire library. I'm still horrified.
26.
It was today.
Two guys come in and ask:
- Do you write essays?
- No.
- Why?
- What do you mean “why”? We don't write abstracts. There is no such service in
our menu.
- But you are a library?
- Hy?
- Abstracts should be written in the library.
27.
Also today. Terrible day. Just a little more and I would have found what
shoot yourself...
A woman comes in.
- Do you haveglobal computer network Internet?
- Eat.
- Is there anything about ecology?
- Eat.
- How many pages?
- !!:) I believe that several million.
- Oh... Why? I don't need that much. I would like thirty pages...
- Do you need an abstract?
- Yes. I need a global computer network, the Internet. And so that
it was about ecology. For students.
- So... "Global computer network Internet" is the topic
abstract?
- Yes... Just so that there is more about ecology... And so that the topic is
quite open...
- How open? What level?
- Hey, for students of the environmental college...
- That's it... Write me an order. Please indicate the topic, approximate volume,
plan... And indicate what should prevail - the Internet or
ecology...
- Oh... I don’t understand... Can I see it myself?
- Not now. The client computer has already been purchased from us
tomorrow noon. If you want, I can make an appointment for you tomorrow.
Do you know how to work on the Internet?
- No... But it probably says there which buttons to press?
- What buttons? Where is it written?
- On the Internet...
- I see... Apparently, you won’t find anything yourself... Leave it
application...
- Only, young man... Could you hurry up... You see,
I need to give students a session test on this topic...
- ?
-...The fact is that I teach computer science...
- ??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh...
28.
There are also pleasant surprises.Showing the results to the client
the search she ordered. She nods and says: “Hey, give me a hug
This is through the gate to netsoap, okay? Are you a fidoshnik?”
29.
But idiots more often.
An elderly lady comes in:
- I want to send my daughter’s data to the Internet.
- I mean... To a specific address?
- No. Generally on the Internet. For them to be there.
30.
- Young man, you can be entrusted with confidential
information?
- Why do I need your confidential information?
- A friend told me in great confidence the Internet address,
where can I find a husband, but I myself don’t know how to work with the Internet...
Can you help me? Only this is a big secret. Nobody wants this
Don’t tell me your address, otherwise they gave it to me in secret...
- Oh... Okay... Give me your address.
- Here he is... www.kiss.ru
31.
I contact the admin:
- It would be necessary to correct the settings in Apache. And then the version of the site that
under the cupboard, it is forcibly issued in the Western ISO, but this is not
eat well. It is necessary to rebuild it on Koi-8.
Admin:
- Yes... It should be... One of these days they will send me an Apache installation...
- What the hell kind of installation?? For Windows, perhaps?
- Why under Windows? Under the lines (rem That's what he calls Linux).
- I don’t understand... It’s included in the Linux package by default...
Damn... It's an Apache... You just need to correct the encoding...
- Well... They will send the installation... Maybe it will have encodings
it will be right...
- Maybe it’s better to read this... documentation?
- A...Wait... Or will they send me the documentation?..
32.
Readers sit in the department and calmly read mail on free
servers. Suddenly the server disappears. An angry admin flies in:
- Where are some of your goats climbing?!!
- What goats? What's happened?
- The server crashed!
- Hy? And what about the readers?
- Someone visited a commercial site. I saw it in the logs.
- So what? What site? What does this have to do with the server?
- Someone visited the site with the extension (*Emphasis mine - DY*)
com! What the hell was he doing there?! On a commercial site?? And right after
this server crashed...
33.
Christ endured and commanded us... Commander, damn it...
When leaving home, the admin turns off the server every evening. By itself
wrong, but it would have been nothing if not for the site that appeared
libraries located on this very server. I say that, they say,
The site should be available around the clock... Administrator in response:
“Who told you such bullshit?” Naturally, on weekends and
On holidays, no one can see the library website either. A
when the admin gets sick, the entire library sits without internet and
working days. The library is open on Sundays. Readers
asking to go online. I answer them that there is no Internet, because
It's the admin's day off. They can't understand what the connection is...
34.
An employee from a neighboring department comes in and asks me to scan for them.
some text.
- Ready?
- Yes.
- Then, so that we don’t have to run back and forth with floppy disks, take off
we don't carenetworks, okay?
- Fine.
Leaves. I climb into the network environment - their computer is not there. I'm going to them
to the department and see that the computer is turned off.
- Listen, you should at least turn on the computer, huh?
- We don’t need to do anything with this document now. you him
Just send it to us on disk, okay?
- Oh... You still need to turn on the computer for this.
I turn on the computer. I go to my place and send them their file. Via
a few minutes later this woman appears again:
- Denis, did you give it to us?
- Yes.
-Where is he?
- In the "Inbox" folder.
- Oh, not in Word? We need in Word...
- In Word, in Word... Launch Word, click “open”...
- Oh, Denis, could you come up and show me?
The network exists in order not to run around with floppy disks.
35.
- You can open a document for me from the Internet if you
Is his address recorded? It's somewhere on the Microsoft website...
- Easily. Give me the address.
- Here.
He holds out a piece of paper that says: "Untit - Microsoft
Internet Explorer".
36.
- I changed the typhoid format to the zhpeg format, but it was all on a floppy disk
still doesn't fit...
- Well... Hmm... How did you change the format?
- Volkov. Eph six...
37.
Population degradation is happening before my eyes.
Young man (4th year student at the Faculty of Law of the State
university) registers something somewhere on the Internet, suddenly
turns to me and asks:
- Are Latin letters Russian?
I look up from scanning:
- Excuse me, what?
-I say: Latin letters are our Russians?
- I don’t understand... What are Russians like then?.. What are you talking about?
- Well, it says here that everything should be typed in lowercase
in Latin letters... Are Latin letters Russian or what?
But at the law school, in theory, they teach Latin...
38.
The girl was given a job in computer science. She came to do it in our
library sector. She asked me to turn off the computer. I
turned it off. She reads aloud: "Plug in your computer." Presses on
believe Windows is loaded with city views on the wallpaper. girl
reads aloud: “Type CD sequentially on the keyboard.. Enter
D: Enter." He calmly slaps the keyboard. Reads further:
"mkdir name Enter". He slaps the keys. Reads: "cd name
Enter". Slaps, reads: "edit.com Enter, wait for now"
the editor will load..." He slaps and leans back in his chair.
After about five minutes he turns to me: “Well, how long should I wait?”
39.
A reader asks:
- Where are the Roman numerals on the keyboard?
40.
Regional interlibrary scientific and practical conference.
A person from the local “ministry” of “culture” is present.
The director of the regional library for the blind speaks:
- ... We independently translate game manuals into various
musical instruments and manuals on massage techniques in
special electronic format suitable for use with
braille interface and voice reading programs, and
We send networks already digitizedpublications in regional libraries...
The minister interrupts:
- Do you send duplicate copies?
Direcrisa:
- Hmm... We send electronically over the network... What we ourselves
digitized...
Ministerial:
- Don’t you keep it for yourself?.. It’s necessary to digitize it in
two copies...
41.
I remember with affection the time when, while working with a computer,
it was practically impossible to do without the command line when
almost every user knew words like 'pkzip',
'pkunzip', 'ha e *.*', etc. I remember this every time
I discover that after the readers work on the computer, the files
.zip, .rar, and .ha are associated in Windows for
opening with MS Word or Internet Explorer. This happens to everyone
day.
42.
Two girls enter the department. One asks: “Do you have
Tchaikovsky's song about swan lake?
The manager hands her the compact with a bitter smile. girl
looks at the envelope for a minute and exclaims: “Wow! There’s a whole
album!"
43.
A library employee complains that “I got lost in Word.”
socket". I'm going to look. The checkbox in the corresponding menu is checked, but
There really is no panel on the screen. I look closely and see that because of
On the left edge of the screen there is a pixel-wide stripe.
I pull it out, push it into place and ask:
- How did you put it there?
“I don’t know,” he says, “she herself... Okay... Thank you.”
big...
“You’re welcome,” I say.
Shesits down at the computer, takes the mouse, leans over it,
resting his nose almost on the rug itself, and, following the mouse with his nose,
moves it sharply across the rug, and then even more sharply
looks up at the screen, looks for a few seconds, again
leans over the mouse, moves it, then looks at the screen again.
It was like gradually adjusting howitzer fire
batteries according to the “underflight-overflight” principle. I didn't become anything
say: what can I say?
44.
A woman comes into the department and starts a whole crowd of teenagers.
- Hello!
- Hello.
- I'm a teacher. I gave my future students a tour of
library. Can I quickly tell them about your department? We are for you
Shall we interfere?
- No, please tell me...
Turns to his students and says:
- And in this department you can get ready-made ones from the Internet
abstracts, diplomas and coursework...
I interrupt her:
- Excuse me... You said that you are a teacher?
- Yes.
- Don’t you think that now you are committing a professional
crime? Shouldn't you instill in your students that
Do you need to write creative works yourself?
In response, there is friendly laughter from the teacher and students. I asked
them to leave the premises.
45.
Reader:
- Can I rent a computer CD from you?
- Please. Which one are you interested in?
- Are they different?
46.
A young man pushing the keyboard deep undertable cover, long
looks through the browser history, then turns towards me a little
frightened face and says:
- And for some reason there is no Rambler on the Internet. What should I do?
- Have you tried using the keyboard?
- Oh... And how?
47.
End of the working day. The excited duty officer comes running
library and complains that one employee cannot
turn off the computer. I run to save and see, in fact, what I
expected: the girl tried to shutdown Windows twenty times in a row
with a checkbox next to the "Restart computer" menu item.
48.
The advertising department regularly brings handwritten pieces of paper with
information that needs to be posted on the site. In the end
I can’t stand this insanity and say that it’s in handwritten form
I won’t accept any more information: in vain, they say, what do you care?
They installed a new computer, damn it!.. Advertiser (language is not
turns to call her that) replies that she “has no time
dial". Damn louse, I say, but you have time to write by hand
is there? Doing this directly on the computer, bypassing the handwritten phase, is not
does it happen?
The next day she sent me a printout.
You're funny...
48.
Reader:
- If I tell you a topic, you will tell me whether it is in
Internet?
- Yes. It's called "topic search" and it costs fifty
rubles
- Can you tell me roughly what topics there are?
So I don't waste my money?
- No, I can’t.- Why is this?
- Because listing these topics would take my whole life.
- Well, then print it out for me, and I’ll read it myself.
- What should you print?
- All topics from the Internet.
- You will not pay for this with the whole country.
She turns purple and shouts:
- Why are you telling me nonsense?! Well, I was in another place, with them
All the topics from the Internet are printed out on the table!..
49.
This other place is called the telegraph. There six months ago
printed out a list of abstracts that were at that time in one of
numerous online collections, and in order not to enter into long
dialogues with morons, presenting it as a “catalog of Internet topics.”
Recently there was some joker at the telegraph office who especially
he sends annoying idiots to us with the recommendation: “Go to
library, they have abstracts on all topics on the Internet."
If and after I do not find the abstract they need, these
the brainless bastards are still hoping for “some other Internet”,
I send them to the Atlantis Internet club.
I did not follow their path further. I leave this to the zoologists.
50.
Calling to the phone. Female voice:
- Do your computers run on cards?
- What cards?
- Well, GTS now sells Internet access cards. Yours
do computers run on them?
51.
I asked one client who was tired of too frequent and
too stupid questions, had it ever occurred to him before
than sit down at the computer, readat least a few pages
some Levin or Figurnov. He answered without a hint of irony
voice:
- No. Why?
52.
Not about the library, but still on a related topic.
An old friend who has had a computer at home for many years and even
sculpting his home page with HTML pens, asked me in
telephone conversation question:
- Is Unix a DOS for Linux?
53.
More than 50% of readers, having accidentally minimized the explorer window, fall into
panicked and called for help.
54.
When I was accepted into graduate school, I helped another one again
enrolled graduate student to fill out applications for admission to classes
and exams, because he did not know how to spell many of the necessary
this word (the word "statement", for example). When I then
got a job in the library, he came to me with a request
search on the Internet for the full text protected by someone in Tomsk
dissertations. I searched, but found only the abstract. Acquaintance
mine was upset and, reasoning, said that, apparently, I would have to
go to Tomsk or Moscow for this dissertation.
- For what? - I asked, - Not enough material?
“Roll over,” he admitted honestly.
- Fully? - I was amazed.
“Well, yes,” he said, “the topic completely coincides with mine.” Not
write it yourself.
I then sincerely felt sorry for the unfortunate wretched one, but it turned out that
hurried: he went to Tomsk and a month ago became a candidate
science...
Hands are reaching for the axe.
55.
The young man hands me a photo9x12cm, made clearly
"soap box". In the middle of the frame, “looking like a fly from a distance,” a group
people. He points to the head of one of the group and asks:
"You can scan it so that only this face is there, and
cut off the rest?"
“Easy,” I say, “Only you can imagine what it’s like.”
will there be quality?
“And you,” he says, “can’t improve it?” For example, saturate your face
pixels?
56.
A person gives you two photos to scan and asks “for one to be
100x157, and the second - no more than 30".
“In what,” I ask, “units of measurement?”
“I don’t know,” he says, “In what sites is it measured?”
I assumed that 110x157 are pixels, and “no more than 30” -
kilobytes. The patient had doubts about the pixels.
“Are pixels,” he asks, “dots?”
- Well, yes.
“Somehow,” he says, “it’s petty.” Maybe inches?
I say: “If inches, then imagine this photo as tall as
about three meters."
“Oh,” he says, “No.” This is probably the site interface
will close.
57.
The girl spends an hour and a half poking around in Ie. Bought her time
is coming to an end, she is noticeably nervous, turning in different
side nose, calling for help. “I have,” he says, “
it is written that the subscription (rem Uploaded Subscribe.ru - D. Ya.) is not
confirmed, but I can’t confirm it in any way. What should I do?"
I ask:
- Have you tried to do what is written?
“No,” he says...
(Well, of course... What was I waiting for?)“And you,” I say, “do...
She blinks widely (apparently she’s used to the fact that this encourages men
drop everything and help, help, help...) and cinematic fallen
asks in a voice:
- How?
“A letter with detailed instructions has been sent to you,” I say.
Read and do everything that is written there.
She starts typing her email into the Explorer address bar.
I interrupt her, explain what needs to be done, she gets into her
free mail, I help her open the letter and repeat the advice -
follow the instructions. She looks at the screen for a couple of minutes and says:
- I don't understand.
But the point is this: the first half of the letter is instructions for
English. Next comes the Russian instructions, but on the monitor
Only two of its lines are visible.
- You, - I advise, - Scroll below.
She hesitantly moves the mouse across the screen and hopefully
turns to me. I begin to express myself in synonyms:
- Scroll the text in the window!.. Look at the letter below!.. Next
scroll through... Lower the page... Draw the bar with your mouse
scrolling... Pagedown, damn it... no page... There's Russian below
text, you see, you can see the first two lines!..
And then she asks the question that killed me:
- How can I watch it?
I say:
- Do you even know how to scroll through the text in a window?
“No,” he says.
- How then are you going to read the newsletter to which
subscribed?! And why do you even sit down at the computer?
- A“Can you,” he says, “can you help me scroll through the text?”
- Interface help - 10 rubles, - I say, - Our official
price
She immediately changed her face, trying to show with all her appearance
that she had been offended, and agreed in an offended tone. I clicked on
PgDn, wrote her a ticket for 10 rubles and left. I think she
I was never able to confirm my subscription. But I think that with this
level of intelligence she doesn’t need it.
58.
Entries found in the browser's address bar history:
"Soviet architecture";
"vvv porn ru";
"Economics abstracts";
"reppers photos";
"How to write devedent?"
The latter is especially reminiscent of an ancient joke in which
A resident of the far north, locked in a room with a telephone, won the
duration fasting competition because I couldn't
use the phone correctly, but touched it timidly
finger, without picking up the phone, and said confidentially:
"Phone... I really want to eat..."
59.
A new employee on his first day of work, having reached
Internet, registered in the Erector banner network. His
I was attracted by the name. As it turned out a few minutes later,
he didn’t even know approximately what a banner was or his website
I didn't either.
60.
For some time there was one old car parked in the sector,
in principle, could not pull the fifth Ie, and therefore it was installed
fourth NN. Realizing that the NN icon is on the desktopsays absolutely nothing to most visitors, also my
the predecessor wrote under it in capital letters: “ON THE INTERNET
ENTER HERE!!!" Despite this, almost everyone who sat down for it
a visitor, having searched for the treasured “e” on the desktop and not finding it,
asked in surprise: “What, there’s no Internet?” I ran them
Netscape showed where to enter the address, etc. Many were depressing
lack of the "Save entire page" option, but most
only found out about her absence when they returned
swear because the documents brought home turned out to be
at least “no pictures”. Right click as I did
notice, God willing, only one person out of a hundred knows how to use it.
Some readers, after suffering for half an hour, demanded the return
money, arguing something like this: “I paid you for the Internet, but
not for this one... This one... which you have..."
61.
An Event happened today. With a capital letter. To associate for
opening zip and rar archives with MS Word and MS Internet Explorer I
I'm already used to it, but today I discovered that on one computer there are files
zip are associated to open with - I quote -
"virtualref.zip.zip".
62.
Arriving at work after two days off, I discovered that on my
Word stopped running on my work machine, the Far manager and
Atlantis text editor, some strange things are observed
glitches in setting up profiles, in general Windows is distorted as if
she was tortured by the Gestapo,installed some left indistinct
programs, etc. A simple internal investigation leads to
trace of one new employee who, having heard accusations in his
address, stated literally the following: “In principle, I could not bang
system, because I understand absolutely nothing about it.”
63.
Well, tell me what kind of brains you need to have so that, having received
unknown address letter with an empty body and an attached file
fackenkill.exe, immediately run this file for execution?!!
64.
Reader:
- How can I put my photos on my email?
- That is, - attach? Would you like to send it to someone?
- No, just put them there, let them lie there, and whoever wants to do it themselves
they came in and looked.
“This is not for email,” I say, “you need your own page.”
start the Internet.
“No,” the reader persists, “I don’t need a page.” Mine
There are photos of friends in their emails. I want that too.
Damn, what should I do, eh?.. “And what,” I think, “a mailbox, in
which a person accesses exclusively through the http interface, not
page?" I scanned his photos for him and sent them to his address with an attachment
with the subject “Photos”, showed where this letter is in his inbox
lies, explained how to view attachments, and advised to give
friends login and password for his email. The reader was
happy... Although, what kind of reader is he, for that matter...
65.
By the way, it’s amazing how many people wholeheartedly believe in
any nonsense -only because this nonsense was shared with them
friends.
A girl with the tenacity of Lenin chewing his eighth bread inkwell
rewrites God knows how many times from notebook to address
browser line: "a:azimov.shtml.htm". No floppy disk in
In this case, of course, it is not observed in the disk drive. At the end
Finally, tired, she asks:
- Why can’t your computer display the one I need?
page.
I’m trying to explain, I’m talking about the floppy disk, the Internet, etc.,
I see that he doesn’t understand a word. “To you,” I ask, “Azimov
do you need it?"
“Yes,” he says.
I dial her www.azimov.com. Isaac Asimov's page is loading.
I ask:
- This?
- It seems... - he says, - Wait, why is everything in English?
“Hello,” I say, “What should it be on?”
- Well... - the client hums timidly, - He’s a Russian singer...
- Singer? - I’m perplexed. - All my life I believed that he
American writer.
“No,” he says, “Well, that’s... He’s a singer... Russian... I
my friend showed his page on her computer, I just
from here (rem Points finger at address bar) address
I rewrote it... But it doesn’t show for you... Or maybe it’s just
Are the wires broken somewhere?
Let me explain again about the floppy disk, etc. She listens to me until
end, after which he turns to the monitor and the remaining forty
minutes of his time continues to hammer out his
- "a:azimov.shtml.htm".
66.
Two girls come inwith floppy disks in their hands and asking from the doorway:
"Do you have a DOS driver?"
- For what? - I’ll clarify.
- For the printer.
- For what?
“How do we,” they say, “know what kind of printer you have?”
- Uh... - I say, - and you, excuse me, are a DOS driver for our
why a printer?
“We,” they say, “need to print out the text, but it’s in the dossier.”
“Show me,” I say.
I take one floppy disk from them, insert it and find a small
text in cp866.
“We,” say the girls, “were in the next office, we were there
They said that it is impossible to print this text from Windows: you need
special DOS driver for the printer...
67.
The woman asks:
- Do they sell theses here?
I almost choked on air.
“Here,” I say, “they don’t sell theses.” Here
search for information to order, but, since, to
Unfortunately, there are databases of anonymous theses on the Internet, then
We can also look for a diploma for you, it costs 50 rubles.
“Well, she,” he says, “will be as it should be: in a solid
bound, in two copies?..
68.
The guys sitting at the computer ask:
- Do you write CDs?
“No,” I say, “We don’t have a CD writer.”
- Yes, not a CD... - They say, and, taking out a floppy disk from their pocket,
clarified, - These are the disks...
- Hmm... Uh... - In turn, I clarify, - What exactly are you
want to burn to this disc?
- Well, we found this... the abstract, now we need it fordisk
write down.
You know, after that I thought: what if most of those
failed clients who looked in the door,
asked if we were writing CDs, and, having received a negative answer,
disappeared, they also just wanted to throw some kind of flop
abstract?.. Hmm... Before helping the client in solving his
problems, you need to spend time figuring out what
exactly what he wants, and then sometimes it takes time to explain it
to him.
69.
The employee asked: “Denis, what is the difference between the Internet and
navigator?
70.
A young man and a girl are sitting at a computer. They poke around for a while
independently, then they ask: “How can we find new
mortgage legislation?
Explained, told. We found and opened some kind of legislative
act, read it for a few minutes and again asked: “How can we
Now turn this into a thesis?”
- That is? - I’m perplexed, - You want me to give you a technique
writing a thesis?
“Yes,” they say, “Which buttons should I press?”
For about a minute I tried to think they were joking... Nothing
something like this - they quite seriously expected an answer.
“You,” I ask, “believe what a computer can do in
your thesis?
“Well, yes,” they say, “We have a friend, he said that on
I did my thesis on the computer...
- But after all, he did it on a computer. Not a computer
did it. The computer in this case is advancedprinted
machine, nothing more.
“Ugh,” they say, “What for then is he needed at all... To
printed, and you can give it to someone... And just like a computer, diplomas
doesn't write?
THAT'S ALL ;(
c Denis Yatsutko. Text, logical markup, css. 2000-2003
Share your thoughts about the article