Wallpaper #08 31 июля 2000

Юмор

Funny - OH or dreams of the programmer.

              6. FUNNY!



(C) Dmitry Petrov (Lawyer)


                    OH

                  and l and

             DREAMS OF PROGRAMMER


                     Instead of an epigraph:

   Between man and computer

     there is a place only one woman ...

                                Clave ...


                              (C) Counsel



   Began a magnificent spring morning,
Ordinary people find out about this looking at the
window, he also learned about this reading svezhesvalivshuyusya 
mail. If we are to be faithful and honest to the end, he, too, 
all the while staring at Window ... Only it was not quite 
normal, or rather very unusual windows, other computer or 
masdaynye both argued in his circle of ...



   In general, as you guessed, it was
as they say in the world geek. In that same world to the people 
who are completely indifferent you're a programmer or 
developer, network administrator, a simple user or assistant 
translator did not get out of the office of which is 2000 and 
whose is not never WORD variance with the Dell-ohm, it is 
absolutely not important if you are connected to a computer 
programmer and then you're all here for long. 

  And he was a computer technician. How many years already,
When and where did it all start?


   He lit a long-standing and deeply immersed in memories ...


   At first he just saw him from afar.
He immediately liked him, but he did not
dared to approach him. After some
Yet it has become increasingly hear talk about it. Said of him 
all the friends and teachers, books and television (oh

My once he had time to watch
TV), he knew that their paths intersect, but do not know how 
and exactly when. 


   And it happened on an ordinary day
he had to make his first laboratory work. C data of good 
intention He actually crossed the threshold of the laboratory 
number five is in the basement of his alma mater. And then he 
saw him. 


   Their eyes met. Old PC looked at him without blinking his
one eye and it was love
first sight, at least so he claimed.


   In their first meeting they did not really happened since he 
was very excited and could not concentrate. Knew He frankly 
quite a bit and then all hearsay. At that time few people 
understood the sense in this case. And he that at all have not 
had another zanimatsya.Na all day again and again he was not

satisfied with the interview. He just did not know
and did not understand his partner, who in his
turn did not know what actually they want from
it and what to do to him.


   He was terribly irritable, stopped eating and began to sleep 
poorly, he was always think about it. Finally he decided to ask

friends as they do with it. Having listened carefully to 
friends, he realized that did not understand, ask again and he 
as always shy, so were still bleak two weeks, but their meeting 
did not come. 


   And once, when he totally disappointed in myself and in my 
life riding the subway, or rather he walked through an 
underpass, his eyes ran a young man with

long Patlakh, in his hand-books pamphlets about it.


   At that time, a book about it was great
uncommon. He stopped and stared at
books and patlatogo guy. Seeing the familiar
word in the title of the book, he began hastily
shmonat own pockets for the presence of the add money to 
purchase unpretentious pamphlet, but the add was only half of 
the requested amounts, and no matter how much he counted the 
number stubbornly unwilling to change the direction of 
increasing. 


   Patlaty watched with interest for the manipulation of a 
young man. 


  Newbie-what? He asked

  -Uh-huh, "he mumbled.

  "And that ... not enough?

  -There is not enough.

  A want to buy?

  "Yes," he admitted shyly.

  -You know I've got only half of
amounts and even then I wanted to go drink some beer ...

  -Beer? Patlatogo eyes sparkled in the dark passage.

  -Well, yes beer ...

  -U-f-r right now you think that
lucky and you get ugorazdilo
on the evening of charity, hold! (C
So saying, he handed him the coveted
Fiction).


   Patlaty received money to start putting in your bag up their 
few belongings, and he stood and stared eagerly treasured book.



   Patlaty looked at him.

  -What is love?

  "Yes I have that ...

  -Okay, that went there ...

  -Where?

  -Drink beer.

  -And I've got it ...

  Yes, I know ... I have ... treat you ...
patlaty smiled and they hastily retreated toward the park.


   There, in a public garden drinking beer,
He carefully listened spellbound as
Screw, it was the name of patlatogo. As
was it a nickname, and it does not
has no relation to screws nor nails, and short for Winchester, 
a storehouse of information on the computer. Initially, even

Screw was offended when he called it a screw,
but after opening the second bottle happy smile back on face 
patlatogo. Screw interesting told about it.



   He knew almost everything. So they spent a few hours and 
talked openly about it. First meeting with Screw it remember 
for a lifetime. It was a real revelation and lifted the curtain 
of secrecy behind which hid OH. All He spent the weekend 
reading the book and the Uinta gradually rose to their seats. 
From individual pieces of the puzzle gradually emerging the 
whole picture, so they are caught ... 


   On Monday morning, when he again crossed the threshold of 
the laboratory, he already felt confident. For a moment he even 
thought that he realized that he already know everything, even 
met with patlatym. He did everything right and his new partner 
dutifully complied with all the team. That's when he first got 
now fun with a new friend ... God as

long ago it was ...


   Now he has a lot of computers at work and two more at home 
... His whole life is connected with them ... 


   He put out a cigarette in the ashtray, and returned from 
their memories. 


   God, how long ago it was all ...


   So, dawn, began a wonderful spring morning and it seemed 
nothing boded trouble ...


   Need to sleep - he thought, and suddenly ...

   Suddenly, quite suddenly yelled modem
as violent, oh why? Oh shit! He
again forgot to turn it off and all ... his
waiting for the next acceleration from the wife. A few seconds 
passed and on the brink, as he assumed she appeared.



   But today she was not going to make trouble. Silently 
sitting on the couch she looked straight at him.


   He carefully hid his eyes and nervously
stow in a lump a bunch of wires ... Long pause violated her 
tired voice: 


   She said: "Basically everything I've had enough!" Choose! 
"Me or him, and nodded toward the computer. 


   At first he did not even understand the meaning of its
words, do not believe my ears and stood dumbfounded, he almost 
did not hear all the subsequent tirade, which she read, about a 
lot of money they spend on the glands, about which time is 
never on his her of the forgotten children of the rest who did 
not took place because he needed a new

computer, about beer and its crazy
friends calling in the night ... all ... it
was the limit for her, she broke down and
exhibited an ultimatum. The cup was full of patience, but he 
was more scared the other, he feared that, with what a calm 
voice she told him all this ... voice This did not leave him 
even a hint of compromise ... she just really tired ... 


   Hmm, gee grunted screw that here
for many years was his best friend. It is to him now, he came 
and told his not funny family story.


   -So what you told her?

   -What could I answer her? I was speechless.

    Yes, I'll do anything else that is not
I can and know nothing except ... and he bitterly sighed ...

   -And did she say?

   "She said that tonight is waiting
reply

   -And you?

   -For the first time in the past five years, turned off the 
station and now have come to you. 


   Screw took a cigarette and began to knead
her fingers ... Hmmm ... I know long time ago, too, was 
something like that ... I even its economy began to gradually 
sell, you actually met me at the time and but ... Then my wife 
and peaceful convention signed.



   -Convention?

   Well, whatever.

   Mole, I must once a week with her somewhere to go, well 
there in the theater or with the whole family to the park, the 
lake could But you never know where in the overall cultural 
program understand?


   -Uh-huh.

   -Then there was supply. In general food program for me too 
... Screw winced, and on Sunday morning she

list of household chores I roll out ...

   -And you?

   -And I will comply.

   -How so?

   "How-how, but so ... Initially, of course
it was hard ... but then nothing was used, and even began to 
adapt. 

   -What do I do?

   "Well firstly pretend that you're humbled and in no case 
koim not include computers and generally forget that they are 
in your house is ...


   -Here's your grandmother and masdayny day. Yes
I was there and ...

   "Do not interrupt! So, do something about the house, ask 
your mother in law and in the evening to sit with their 
children, and himself take your wife somewhere ... mother in 
law is desirable and even "mom" name clearly?


   -And this is necessary?

   -Wait, I have something not understood ... indignant Screw 
you want to include computers or No?


   "Of course I want!

   -So do what you advise and a smaller initiative.

   It is clear, and where do I'll take it then?


   -It is best to go down to the theater (almost without 
hesitation replied Screw) for something romantic and lyrical on 
what a all the women tear the size of a walnut

drip, and then go to the cafe ice cream
it burst, and just to share experiences on the formulation, but 
I implore you, drink beer out there do not have to, otherwise 
spoil everything ... Clear? 

   It is clear. And will act?

   -Watching a try you will be. A Day at the
third walking to the shops you gently hint that that's exactly 
the cover of latest issue of Burda saw you absolutely free 
online, just so casual and unobtrusive. 


   -The following day brought a printout of the few recipes of 
the liver. On the fifth day, tips on caring for leather ... 
etc. and then stop all of bear and say that more time at work 
there, but could be home and she herself have it all on the 
same computer that's no use now, gathering dust and they say 
only lazy, do not do ...



   The computer is usually already included
a week at most.


   The most stubborn was the wife stump us
had to praise a page about it in an Internet navayal supposedly 
extraordinary talent of a man and a specialist first class, 
when His wife was reading this page on her cheeks

rolling tears of emotion, she realized with some nugget lucky 
enough to share her a roof over your head and more scandals

no longer have. But there are contra ...

   -What are the contraindications?

   Yes, do not worry, the percentage is not quite large.

   -What do you mean?

   "Well you know ... wife out Poppy is so fascinated by this 
thing that has not has lost the initial interest, he even

came second for her to buy a wheelbarrow,
page to draw her and teach her a thing
terrible that family troubles partly
under its jurisdiction have moved ... Since then ...

   -Oh, I do not know ... I do ..

   -Do you think ... slowly ... time
now you have plenty, and screw an enigmatic smile.


   Completely broken, he returned home and
Early to bed. Almost overnight he had nightmares.


         FIRST SON PROGRAMMER


   Quite suddenly caught fire monitor
Then he, along with all the junk taken off in
air and began to sway from side to
side frantically yelling: "Again I hung this lamer", then from 
the drive were crawl brakozyabriki, and behind them

crept Latin Cyrillic, and Latin letters and strive to bite their
neighbors on the key, followed onymi
all the files one by one ...


   Suddenly, the column began to sing: "And you're so cold as 
an iceberg in the ocean:" in the same instant in the corner 
came not from news grafted iceberg. And with the words: "Big 
ship - a large iceberg on full speed and it rammed the 
computer. That same moment on the screen flashed the 
inscription: "New Hardware Found Iceberg

install? "Mouse squeaked:
"Save yourself who can, we attacked and we go
to the bottom! "With these words she had looped rug jumped down.


   Speakers istoshno shouted: "Look! Mouse
Weary and leave the sinking ship! ", and the computer is 
slightly leaning to starboard still hung in the air and angrily 
yelled giggling: "First, hang me Lamer, A NOW I attacked 
Iceberg ANY NIGHTMARE! "



   Suddenly, in naval uniform and a cockade on
monitor appeared Norton Commanderie and said: "All our 
masdaynaya operating system is rotten through and through, 
quietly and without panic comrades files! We go to the bottom, 
I myself refuse to leave the sinking ship! Diskettes to water! "



   At the same moment from the drive crumbled whole bunch of 
floppy disks with the system files on board. Files are 
clustered near flopika in turn, pushing each other, they tried 
to find a place on the free diskettes, which was very small and 
not enough for everyone. Large files tried in vain to fit on 
small diskettes and their futile pushing contributed to even 
greater confusion. Columns began to play the eternal Celine 
Dion with songs from Titanic. Everywhere were heard cries and 
moans panicking files.



   "The system files to plant first and foremost!" Norton 
continued to command. Suddenly, from somewhere in the depths of 
dark water appeared tooltip and brazenly climbing

Monitor reported that the launched disk formatting.


    At the same moment heard the frantic
cries of perishing files. With horror in his eyes
the rest were waiting for imminent death. Diskettes have been 
completed and the remaining files chances to survive were gone. 
They were completely doomed. Gradually became quieter and 
quieter and now cries almost inaudible, and a little more than 
vote unsinkable Celine Dion, nothing disturbed the dead silence.


   There was a silence, and suddenly, hysterically and 
frantically yelled cat modem: "I sozhru you damned traitor

Mouse! "MN-I-I-WV-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y!"


   He woke up he was up screaming
SUKS! Blood froze in his veins!


   Cold sweat ran down my spine. Wife
startled look at him.

   "What happened?

   So, nothing ... nightmare of a dream.


   He got up and padded barefoot to the kitchen
drinking water straight from the tap and a little
calmed down back to sleep after a while because he still 
managed to fall asleep. 


         SECOND SON PROGRAMMER


   Again dreamed of a computer, but now
He stood at the threshold and interface-hand, on
which dangled from the port to the printer, tried to
open the door.

   - "Where are you going?" he asked
its personalki.

   - "I'm leaving you, you chose it -
growled the speakers and monitor nodded toward the bedroom.

   - Wait, do not go ...

   - Well, what else?

   - You're right here so go away?

   - What should I do?

   - Well, I can not go without you, you know?

   - I'm sorry "He said. Between Us
there is only room for one lady:

   .. -He means me! Flirty-specified Claudia ...


   - "Oh, I forgot my mat!" - Impregnated-12
schala mouse and ran into another room where there was a 
terrible roar. Already second, the mouse returned with a large, 
rectangular rug, as it turned out it was tore off a piece and 
only a small fraction of Persian carpet, which until recently

time graced the floor in the living room ... I'm better
I will take this one, he always liked me
more ... And the new place will be warmer, and that the 
previous did not last long and I ask forgiveness ball catch a 
cold ", she squeaked gently rolling up carpet in the tube ...



   - "It can not be" repeated his mind ...

   - Suddenly, the monitor starts up Winamp and rang God knows 
where who took the MP-Trishka with the song "Shut Me I'm 
leaving the door ... " 

   - He felt that slowly goes mad ... Interestingly, as in a 
dream can be mad?


   - "Of course you can!" and not only get away with
mind, but with the brains to get off and you can very simply, 
mumbled column. By the way, do not only from their example but 
you can try to get away from my brain, and then you

akkurat are already about five minutes as topcheshsya. He 
lifted his leg and saw that really stood for 16 megs of 
symmetry. 


   - Hmmm, "muttered the computer symbol shoving into place, I 
think I have avoided the brain drain or a minimum loss Memory 
... You know I've just grown wiser at 16 megs and judged 
reasonably, I give you week, if not back to normal

virtual life and zazhivesh with me
humanly, blame yourself ... though I
pentyuh, but tolerate such an outrage
does not intend, and know ...


   Having said that it is important followed in the next room, 
behind him prodefelirovala Her Majesty Claudia, then column 
coming from the them song "... without me you my favorite to 
fly with one screw, Further follow whistled modem, zip,

mouse with a permanent bend in half
carpet and countless sidyukov with
floppy fled in single file one after another like a brood of 
piglets ... 


   He closed his eyes and opened them again ...
appeared before him the face of his wife.


   Still did not understand anything he said
"Good morning dear"


   - "Why are you so polite?" - He heard
in response

   - "Just ... I just realized something ...
and ... "

   - "I do not know that you understand, but I realized ... 
what are you asleep at the computer," she said. 

   He looked at sounding voice and saw his wife, who all this 
time stood behind him and businesslike washed dust with another 
monitor. Turns out he exchanged a few words with her photograph 
that two years ago pulled on the desktop. He again closed his 
eyes and began to wiping his eyes with his hands. At the same 
time remembering her an ultimatum, still tight wondering and 
not believing in what is happening he asked:


   -Tell me you're not jealous of my computer?

   -What nonsense! Come on, I made breakfast.

   -Hooray! He said softly and hugged her.
It was a dream just a dream! A dream from beginning to end.


   -Maybe we go to the theater?
-He asked suddenly.


   She screamed as much from such a pleasant
surprise, but the next second, with
unspeakable horror on his face indicated that
it has absolutely nothing to wear and then dashed off to look 
for suitable wardrobe. 


   He looked back toward the computer, the
peacefully flickered his great and good eye ... Claudia, 
speakers, modem, zip, it seemed everything was in place but 
what ... what is ... something was clearly not something ... 
not .. 


   MOUSE ... Aha! Again, this mouse! She ... about
God! She lay on a huge rectangle of soft Persian rug, a piece 
which she had recently broken off and dragged to the living 
room. 


   Again he closed his eyes and shook his head, another second 
and he understands that this just a weird play of light, light

which flows from behind the curtain. Outside, it was already 
morning and began a new day, but will he truly new, it depends 
only on him or from him?