ZX-News #23 04 марта 1997

Humor - "Stirlitz - Russian SysOp" (Chapter 3).

                   HUMOR



          SELECT FIDOSHNY HUMOR


         Stirlitz - Russian SysOp.



               CHAPTER A 3


  When Eismann woke him up, was the end
working day. Stirlitz went outside, took a stack of floppy 
disks and echidna showed sentry. Mint step was a company of SS 
drove an armored personnel carrier, splash Shtirlitsa spray.



  "Scott - thought Stirlitz - played enough
and ride around. You would have on the market, lice feed ... "


  At the word "feed" Stirlitz wanted
paper. He thrust back into a pack of floppy disks
pocket. Spat twice at his feet and decided to
go to someone else's CC.


  Stepping on the evening of Berlin, Stirlitz thought about 
various unpleasant things. Firstly, ended with a place on your 
hard drive, and I had to compress everything. Secondly, I 
wonder what else he can get the Commander of

Norton, and whether to allow the contact center. And,
Finally, the lab Shtirlitsa suddenly fell ill and begged to go 
home to her husband. All Three things ought to inform the 
center. And on connection to the center Stirlitz out disliked.



  Thinking Shtirlitsa distracted group of young women 
discharged who loudly giggling, smoking on the corner and 
looked at him side.



  "!@#$%", - Thought Stirlitz.

  "Stirlitz" thought !@#$%.

 - Hey, Stirlitz! And not in the EC are you going? -
asked one of them, smartly adjusting
hairdo.
 - Come, - said the gallant and Stirlitz
took her arm.


  American agent 008, which is usually
assigned to the most difficult cases, was abandoned in Berlin, 
to find out that so long ago in Germany, Russian SysOp 
Stirlitz, but at the same time try to pereverbovat him. Agent 
such cases have been accustomed. As Just the other day he 
pereverboval Pakistan Sysop, who worked as a secretary in 
Italy. Stirlitz also presented to the agent easy prey. For two 
days the agent was able to 008 Shtirlitsa track and collect on 
it is so extensive BackUp, that this would envy itself Mueller. 


  Agent 008 was watching from the Stirlitz
Reichstag. When Stirlitz came with his
lady in the EC, the agent got off the bike and pinned him to 
the lock-box. Vsunuv porter a piece of paper with printing, he 
took ISOT'ovskuyu diskette and entered the hall. Selecting a 
table About Stirlitz agent sat down, put your feet on the

table and snapped his fingers:

 - Bartender! Toner on the sand!


  Two programmers around the stage, where high podkidyvaya 
lovely legs, danced a cancan, looked at each other. 

 - In my opinion, this is an American SysOp, whispered one too 
.- system. Add to Just in case his point.



  The second, more enthusiastic girls from
variety than some American sysops, mechanically nodded and 
yelled: 

 - Encore!


  Stirlitz, hugging his girlfriend, held in
hand glass Toner and enthusiastically read to her
Kernighan and Ritchie in his translation. Sitting next to a 
gray-haired systems analyst was trying to explicitly invented 
stories about his adventures in the CC charm a young girl and 
at times drowned out Shtirlitsa. Stirlitz several times already 
unhappy looking in his direction, but out of respect to the 
gray hair does not swear was.



  Agent 008 got a lighter, made three
photograph and lit.


  - That came out from under the desk to the printer -
husky drunken voice prophesied bored
all the general - and the hall SysOp'y. Discs
around they hiss, and I cartridge heads, arms
"Delete!" But for me from the modem - the peak pikpik.


  Loud laughter of drunken esesotsev the window blocked his 
words: 

 - Quite zavralsya old ass!


  The general looked around and realized that laugh
over him. He drew his sword.


  - It is you, the user rat me
battle programmer ...


  - Lord! Calm down! - Cried systems analyst at the scene. We 
are all advocates of viruses _Velikogo Reyha_ and systems 
analyst, and programmers and users ...



  Stirlitz vytavschivshy pocket drive, I could not calm down 
and poured out their anger the waiter:



  - Why is yogurt with flies?

  - But you did not even tried, Mr. Standartenfiihrer!

  - Shut up! - And Stirlitz vmazal waiter
drive. He did not like include the drive
just like that.


  The waiter flew across the table the old
programmer and fell on his knees ladies.
The lady screamed, as hard drive, which the owner has decided 
to calibrate. Programmer again jumped.



  - It is you, the user rat me
battle programmer ...


  In a rage, grabbed a waiter and also vmazal.


  Waiter rode headlong into the stomach SS. He doubled over and 
yelled: 

 - Our beat!


  His companions rushed to the programmer,
systems analyst came to the defense, and tied
usual format.


  As always, Stirlitz was innocent. He
put the drive, got a printer with an inscription 
"Standartenfiihrer SS background Stirlitz from the beloved 
Fuhrer. "Screamed" our hit "Stirlitz began to wave the printer 
by chandeliers. Girls of Variety with a squeal fled. Systems 
analyst was dragged off the stage and began to stomp their 
feet. His scream was still more heartbreaking than the 
programmer's ladies. Scared to death Orchestra suddenly began 
to play in Herous Quest. Programmer waving his sword and 
shouted: 


  - It is you, custom rat me
battle programmer ...


  When Shtirlitsa broken printer or
a chandelier is not shining. Stirlitz shouted:


  - Come all pressed Escape! - And he
separate the disputants. Heard the sound of a broken monitor 
and a muffled scream, kakbudto someone hit on the head with a 
system block.


 - Lozinski has arrived! - There was a cry.


  Lozinski started arriving from the fact that
released by AIDSTEST'u over the heads of the fighters. Mob 
gradually calmed down. Those who are not comforted, soothed. 
Lit the light. Then he went Lozinski. 

 - Quiet! All remain in their seats!


  And all taken away. They took the corpses. Among the dead was 
and the agent 008. He accidentally hit on the head with the 
system unit from IBM WorkStations.



  So ended his career as a famous SysOp ...


  All those arrested were loaded into cars and
razvezli on various BBS Police. Stirlitz and
Battle Programmer fall into one machine.
He did not let up:


  - It is you, custom rat me
battle programmer ...

  - Give it to CPU, - said indifferently
Stirlitz.


  Lozinski gladly fulfilled
request. Programmer silent amazement.
Soon they podehali to BBS Police. Shtirlitsa
planted for BC-shku. Sounds a bit like from corner to corner, 
he began to knock on the wall inscription "Here was SHTIRLITS," 
but he was interrupted. 

 - Arrested Stirlitz output.


  At the table sat bloated Lozinski and
Saw paste.

 - Name?
 - Stirlitz.
 - Maybe you and Stirlitz, and may not
Stirlitz. Who knows you? Can you -
Russian SysOp?


  Stirlitz came closer and sat down.

 - Listen, Lozinski, does not arise, I Doom'e scary ...


  He was not expecting _takogo_ insolence,
gaped. A Stirlitz mocking tone continued:

 - I like you now tonerku ensure then
call my friend Mueller, otherwise I can and the front panel of 
your pig stuff ... 


  Stirlitz More izgolyalsya would take too long, the police
He did not care since childhood, but suddenly Lozinski
banged his fist on the table, so that jumped a cup of melted 
rubber, and yelled:


 - Shut up!
 - Do not yell - asked Stirlitz.
 - Stand up when you talk to an officer!


  Stirlitz was calm as Turbo Prolog.

 - I Standartenfiihrer CC von Stirlitz - by
syllable he uttered - not like when
my presence, yelling all sorts of scoundrels. I
require toner and Mueller, otherwise declare virusovanie period 
of 200 ticks. Is your bad processor is not able to interrupt 
that must be my favorite pobibiesit Mueller childhood friend, 
and I finally will no longer have the pleasure of seeing your 
vile monitor? 


  Wrapping such a brilliant phrase, Stirlitz
himself poradovasya and smiled proudly. Lozinski turned green 
with anger. 


  - Shut up!


  Stirlitz Lozinski just stopped like he was going to give a 
brazen cop in his teeth and gave. The guards rushed to 
Stirlitz, but too late. Lozinski hit a hanging on the wall a 
portrait of Philippe Kahn in full-length portrait of the 
fallen. 


  Stirlitz throwing guards, shouted angrily:

 - Insulting a great friend Jeanne! Yes
I now he will not go away, not completely
Pointing your face!


  With great difficulty raging Shtirlitsa dwell back into the 
camera. Stirlitz long rowdy, beat his heels in the door, swore 
in an unknown language, then some calmed down and began to sing:


 - Zatikan in heavy IRET'e ...


  Waking Lozinski nervously scratched
neck, where the impact of a portrait of Kahn
huge swollen lump.


  "Devil's portrait, now a month will hurt, not a portrait, and 
the sheer misunderstanding." 


  He paced the room.


  - What if something happened ... Mueller does not like to 
joke ... What to say about this Kaltenbrunner? Can all still 
call ... just in case ... 


  And he called Mueller. Gestapo chief said, "well, well" and 
made the Hang-Up. Lozinski, yellowed from fear, not knowing 
where to go. He walked from corner to corner, occasionally 
glancing at the portrait of the ill-fated and Canna rubbing the 
bump on his head. 


  Half an hour later came the good-natured and well-fed Mueller.

 - What Stirlitz? A friend of my childhood ...
So what do you have it just did not let?

 - What do you Gruppenfuhrer! What if he -
Russian SysOp?


  Muller smiled mysteriously. They descended into the basement 
to Stirlitz. Lozinski sharply knocked on the locked door behind 
which Stirlitz bawled another song. Stirlitz

replied briefly, in three words. Lozinski
long and humbly begged pardon Shtirlitsa
his stupid AIDSTEST'a setter and through
Half an hour Stirlitz it simple. He came out of
the camera and not paying attention to standing
virologist at the knees, greeted warmly by Muller. Old friends 
embraced, remembered childhood. Stirlitz complained

that he is hurt and badly fed. Lozinski shame wanted to sink 
skovoz land.



  Muller and Stirlitz out.

 - Stirlitz, how do you get ugorazdilo
this gadyushnik?

 - It happened. Was in the EC on the one ... Well
you do not know ... Suddenly format ... A
did well, when a lady format? Climbed separate. Never, my 
friend, do not separate the fighters. Ungrateful swine! 


  Shtirlitsa voice rang out from the fake outrage.


  "Stirlitz - smiled Muller - so many
years living in Germany, but has not yet learned how to 
properly write in Pascal. And where did he get that awful 
beysikovy accent? No, not yet Stirlitz sober, just disgusted 
with him to talk. That's when the drink, Then he spoke like a 
native paskalist. Perhaps, we should drink. "


 - Incidentally, Stirlitz ...


  They looked at each other.

 - What a question!


  Childhood friends understand each other with polutika. 
Mueller took Shtirlitsa arm and they went to the nearest CC.



          To be continued ...

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