ZX-News #22 25 февраля 1997

Юмор

Humor - Nineteenth tic spring (Chapter 1 & 2)

                   HUMOR



         NINETEENTH TEC SPRING!



          P R E D & C L O V I E


  In the EC was Stirlitz and the process of formatting the hard 
drive. Stalin turned the monitor and asked: 

 - Comrade Zhyukov, you do not get it?
 - No, Comrade Stalin.
 - Then let the last AIDSTEST.


  Zhukov humbly sighed, pulled out a box right pocket and 
handed it to floppy Stalin. Crumble a few floppy disks in a 
tube, chief thoughtfully lit from the outstretched KC.



  Ten minutes later he asked:

 - And how are things in the western market?
 - Auction - simply said Zhukov.
 - And how it feels to Comrade Isaev?
 - It is difficult - a sad "Zhukov said.
 - It's good - said Stalin. - I
for he has a new job ...


  And CC was Stirlitz and hard drive formatting process.



               CHAPTER A 1


  Low smoky ceiling EC "Three programmer was nearly black from 
the floppy, the walls were izrisovany scenes from the famous 
fairy tales, in whose honor was named VC. Played in the EC is 
not very well programmed even worse, but it is not to scare 
away his regulars. Scared away their friend. With the recent 
then look at the Computing Center got into the habit 
Standartenfiihrer CC von Stirlitz. And now he sat at the far 
terminal, which was piled on seven computers, and printers to 
eight. Stirlitz was alone and no one was waiting. Sometimes it 
gets boring, he pulled from his pocket drive with inscription 
"Programmer Isayev for the liberation of the Far East of Felix 
Dzerzhinsky, and with fifty mean true system programmer 
formatted lurking in the corners of cockroaches.  - Lit here! - 
He shouted. - A mess! Indeed, the EC was a mess. Paul was

flooded with cheap cartridges, spit-covered and piled
diskettes. The impression that
everyone thought it his duty if you do not bestow
BAD BLOCK'ami floor, at least, spit or
something to throw. Every now and then, stepping on
puddles, and mothers were programmers.
At the next table, four SS
Messy molested cute lab.
She liked it and she giggled stupidly. In
corner, his face buried in the VGA-monitor, who beat lay 
unterofitser without floppy but with the cartridge. Sometimes 
he would start with displeasure toss and turn and loud sounds 
indecent. Two war veteran, playing in TETRIS at the bar, 
quietly talking about the events in the Kursk Exchange. Young 
programmistik in the company of two girls suspected appearance 
loud pains of what a fine fellow he is, and how well he plays 
in the Crystal Caves. 

  Stirlitz scored a big piece of the program,
scratch with a finger in a roll of paper and
watchful eyes scanned the surrounding
actually degrade Germany
occasionally holding a look at some outstanding details darting 
among the tables laborantok.  - What are these bastards SysOp'y 
- suddenly for all young programmistik said.

- I would put them all through one, and removed one by one. The 
room was silent. Everyone looked at Shtirlitsa. Stirlitz spat 
out a piece of paper, stood up and, knocking three tables, 
marched went to the high-handed to the programmer.  - Pig 
custom - he hissed and slapped him across the face.

 - Sorry, I do not quite understand ... - Faltered fluttered 
programmer. Stirlitz lost his temper, and seizing the printer, 
brought down him on the head of an unlucky user.

He fell, and began viciously kicking Stirlitz
his feet.
 - I, a Russian programmer Isaev, will not let a dirty dog 
​​yuzerovskomu insult Russian Sysop! Four SS men rushed to 
separate the fighters. Amused Shtirlitsa dragged from moaning 
programmer, and to comfort, offered a drink for Pascal, 
Assembler for.  - Yes - said Stirlitz calmed down a little. He 
drank a mug of toner, red SS eagerly poured the second, 
Stirlitz drank some more, the programmer was not interested in 
him.  - Well as you can, - whispered to one of the systems 
people wept programmer - in fact Stirlitz say such things about 
SysOp'ah, yes more so in these terms! I would take you to his

place killed.
 - Stirlitz - good soul - he sighed second soldier - I remember 
three days ago then beat the Japanese virologist, so everything 
was kicked and Stirlitz - no.  - Good people - the first 
confirmed systems analyst, programmer, and they carried on

fresh air. Stirlitz embracing with the SS, sang "Basic zoldaten.
Who beat unterofitser raised his head from
lettuce, cloudy eyes swept the room and enthusiastically 
shouted:  - Long live the PL / I! The whole room jumped up,

throwing up his hands, the walls shook with the response
roar:
 - Hurray!


  A Stirlitz already asleep, he dreamed of monitors, the 
Russian 486-th and 586 th, he dreamed of naked girls from 
GIF-pictures-native, and he pry them from under the table. Now

he sleeps, but exactly half an hour later he wakes up to 
continue their hard, necessary for reunification work.



               CHAPTER A 2


  The office Mueller was safe in which
Mueller kept the files of all employees of the Reich. He often 
climbed in love with its safe for the next file in order to 
replenish it, Lost restore Cluster'y, just read or print. But 
the latter is rare, because Mueller, a true collector, did not 
like to part with the files their wards. Safe deposit boxes 
with files were Almost all employees Reich, but

Shtirlitsa, but such an extensive collection of works was not 
from anyone, even the most Kaltenbrunera. It was a small and 
innocent hobby Gestapo chief. In his collection were Wirth, 
Kernighan and Ritchie, and Kloksin Mellish, Knut, Bormann, 
Stirlitz and even the Kaltenbruner. Obergruppenfiihrer sat

monitor and pressed the button PgDn. On the screen flipping 
through a file Bormann, it was one of the bulk of files in his 
safe. Mueller was whistling an aria from Faust Mefistofilya and 
by pressing F7, searching for loved the line. 

  Parteigenosse Bormann was fine virologist. If Bormann could 
not write any virus, he thought it lived through

day missing. If, however, turned out to somebody shit, Bormann 
sleep quietly, with a good, happy smile on his face. Favorite 
floppy Bormann, who was lying in his office was infected by all 
types of viruses, and therefore all had to go

to Bormann only taped drives.
Mueller, who zakleek was not, of
this is very upset. Once he had the imprudence to bring Bormann 
Space Quest and has been maliciously infected Dir'om. Had to 
reformat the diskette. Since then they have to Bormann became 
bitter enemies. Bormann was lover lay a button on the chairs,

draw with chalk on the backs of the officers word
"Basic", pulling in the dark corridors
complex system of ropes, tripping over a
that the unfortunate victim in the best case
dropped or drenched toner, at worst -
received on the head with a laser printer.
Special love Bormann used the toilets. What are the only 
programs he did not wrote on doors and walls, and sometimes 
obscene Redraws the GIF image. Under one of these pictures, he 
signed "a Eva Braun. "Fuhrer was offended and asked him to

same Bormann, find out who did it. Two
month, all in the Reich grovel Bormann, and even invented 
Stirlitz version to protect themselves from the suspicion that 
this made the Chinese virologist. In the end

suffered Admiral Canaris, who inadvertently won Bormann in his 
preference new lab. Laboratory assistant were the second

Bormann passion. He now and then fired
alone, and hire others, changed lab with Himmler, Schellenberg, 
asked to give lab Mueller, but Mueller refused. In Reich 
Bormann not loved, but feared. Who is good to see your name on 
wall of the toilet? Bormann was a fat, bald and rancorous. And 
he Bormann was at this time busy with chores. Toner stained 
finger He daubed on the toilet door sign:

"SHTIRLITS - cattle and RUSSIAN SYSOP". Satisfaction chmoknuv, 
Bormann pulled the rope and went out. He carefully formatted 
wheels and with a sense of accomplishment went to his office. 
The day promised to be successful. In the study Borman opened 
the safe, locked up for seven secret locks and put his head 
inside. Yesterday, he hung a sign in a vault in Russian: "Ruski 
sysops smaret zaprischeno! Someone in red Toner correct the 
error and signed: "Borman fool." Borman took a Russian-German 
Dictionary, translated and logically thought that: "Someone has 
corrected the error ... it means someone climbed into the safe 
... it is not me ... hence it Russian SysOp ... plus everything 
he personally Bormann knows. Consequently, I have it too

I know. "

  Borman long pondered. Half an hour later
He guessed search fingerprints.
Half an hour later he found them. Apparently,
Russian spy ate paper. Coil of
Roll was standing in the safe. "Here
felt work Shtirlitsa. Interestingly,
What would Kaltenbruner? Borman
sigh. Communicate with Stirlitz not worth it, still think of 
something, yet find yourself to blame. Knew it all. Borman 
sighed once more and pulled out of the safe File Pastor Schlag. 
For a pastor, he watched a long time and with interest. This 
man had a large female clientele. Pastor ran for any women: 
young and old, beautiful and not very sistemschitsami and 
programmer at and vice versa, and women responded reciprocated 
that Bormann, who was women are not loved, very surprised and 
even annoyed. "Why should one person so much

women? I understand if they were,
First, lab, and secondly, I have as well ... I guess it works 
for someone's BBS. Most likely, this is not our BBS.

Consequently, foreign - Bormann raised his finger up. - It must 
feel ... "And Bormann, call Aysmanu, ordered. From a strong 
kick the door swung open, and entered the room gloomy and 
sleepy Stirlitz.  - Borman! Give AIDSTEST!

"The old Shtirlitsa AIDSTEST, - thought
Borman, holding a box for diskettes
profile of the Fuhrer - means he has written.
Much has been written, when they think it means a lot
thought. Stirlitz just do not think so, he's planning 
something. "And Bormann looked honest eyes Shtirlitsa.  - How 
are you?  - Bad.

"I, as always, right! - Glad Bormann. - Just planning 
something! Move it touch. "

 - Would you like to methyl alcohol?
 - No, - Shtirlitsa wince. - Better
toner. Bormann pressed the button, and entered
lab. Stirlitz it has never seen before.
 - NEW?
 - Yes - boasted Bormann.
 - And nothing - approved Stirlitz.
 - I also like - said flattered
Borman.
 - Toner bring it, dear.
 - Yes, Parteigenosse. Lab
brought Toner and waited for further
orders.
 - You can go - waved Bormann. Lab, a disappointed shake her 
hips out. Stirlitz looked up from the door and

picked up a mug with toner.
 - Sit down, - has offered Borman, substituting
chair. Stirlitz habitual gesture brushed with
chair and sat down buttons. "Note - Toxic
thought Bormann - Shtirlitsa buttons do not
take. Sense the hand of Moscow. "Eyes
Shtirlitsa turned green.
 - A good toner, - he said.
Dark bitch cat. Deceive wants. No,
brother Isayev, that's a mug's game. And no play
Do I have a little joke on him? What if he really
subtle hint that they are interested in Peter
Norton? "
 - Stirlitz! Why you are interested in Peter Norton! - Cried 
Bormann. Stirlitz choked. With Norton, it met all once, and one 
at the reception of the Fuhrer. Stirlitz had a high opinion of 
himself as a systems analyst, but the thought never crossed him 
in the head. Norton can be a valuable agent. We must seek the 
center. "Stirlitz stood up and blew his nose in curtain.

"Bite or not?" - Thought Bormann. Stirlitz looked out the 
window.  - What drives with this kitty! - He said

verse. - Look, Borman.
Borman took from the table Zeiss binoculars
and went to Stirlitz. Minute they were silent. For
this time Stirlitz had to consider the words
Bormann and Bormann guessed that Stirlitz
he was distracted. "Lead by the nose" - thought Borman and 
deftly turned the conversation in another direction.  - Listen, 
Stirlitz, you have such extensive ties. Could you get a little 
virus with stelsovskoy protection?  - Can.

"This all may be" - thought Bormann. Stirlitz often promised 
anything Bormann, as however, and everything else, but never 
did anything. Stirlitz bummed at Bormann still a couple of 
floppy disks, mechanically stuck lying on the table streamer 
tape under his arm and headed for the exit. Borman threw to 
your PC and dramatically open the top drive. Around the door at 
ten centimeters from the floor taut tape from the printer. 
Stirlitz abruptly jumped over her, and saying "Goodbye", and 
disappeared behind the door. "Professional!" - Moaned Bormann. 
Yes, Stirlitz was a professional. He did not

tear tape streamer from the system on display hall, as he had 
done in his place English or Paraguayan SysOp, and chose the 
most secluded place in the Reich. Going into the WC Stirlitz 
discovered a fresh inscription "SHTIRLITS - cattle and RUSSIAN 
SYSOP". Stirlitz carefully crossed out the word "SYSOP" and 
wrote the word "programmer", and attributed to the bottom 
"Borman - also a beast." There he watched the tape with a file

Pastor Schlag. In his mind began to mature yet unclear, but 
already the plan. 


          To be continued ...

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