Gratitude
Dear Comrade General Secretary!
The grateful residents of the city where you recently paid a business visit are writing to you. True, you only gave our city authorities three days' notice of your arrival, but even in those three days they managed to accomplish more than in all the years of Soviet power.
First, by the time you arrived, all the streets had been lit, paved, and landscaped... The night before your arrival, 356 pedestrian underpasses were dug. Products appeared in the shops that we thought had long been included in the Red Data Book of endangered species. Right down to canned foods that we last saw about 12 years ago, when a refrigerated cargo ship sank in neutral waters near our city while carrying those cans to the starving people of Africa.
Thirdly, the builders finally completed the bridge, the successful opening of which had already been reported during the previous five-year plan—the very bridge that, when the brass band struck up and the committee cut the ribbon back then, subsided and drifted away from the shore along with the committee.
Finally, Komsomol workers vacuumed the highway from the airport with their own household vacuum cleaners. Meanwhile, trade union activists swept the forest alongside the road, painted the leaves on all the trees a fresh shade of green, and washed every monument in the city with imported Yugoslav shampoo. In fact, the monument to Mendeleev was scrubbed so thoroughly that it turned out to be a monument to Lomonosov.
Moreover, fearing your wrath, many local bosses surrendered their private dachas to the state. In some of them, day nurseries and kindergartens opened over those few days. Our city had always lacked them so terribly. The dacha belonging to the City Party Committee’s business manager was converted into a new airport terminal, while the cucumber patch in his garden was paved over with concrete to serve as a runway for the Il-86.
The rest of our leaders pulled themselves together and changed for the better, too. Since everyone knows you value personal initiative and opinions in leaders above all else, our city leadership held meetings for three full days, hammering out everyone’s individual personal opinion at the City Committee. And then they had it ratified by the Regional Committee.
Everyone also knows how knowledgeable you are in cattle breeding. Therefore, a council of scientists was convened to address the pressing question: "How many teats does a cow have?" It turned out to be four, not five—the target given in production plans ever since the proletariat was first dispatched to the countryside to carry out collectivization.
Of course, there were some excesses. For instance, the night before your arrival, civil defense drills were inexplicably held. However, since the air raid siren was broken, and all the gas masks turned out to work only for exhalation (to breathe in, one had to take them off each time), at three in the morning, following the frantic scream of the city’s civil defense chief—"Attention, nuclear blast! Hit the dirt!"—everyone rushed out into the streets and threw themselves onto the ground, covering their faces tightly with their palms to shield against the radiation flash and buttoning up all their coats securely against the fallout. As a result, half the population was late for work the next day while waiting for the all-clear signal.
A commemorative gift album about our city was also printed, featuring four photographs of newly constructed buildings—or, more accurately, of the city's one and only new building, photographed from four different angles. And along your motorcade route, a single vegetable kiosk was constantly being hauled ahead from stop to stop.
Finally, a rumor spread that in every city you like to visit museums and inspect how well they are maintained. Immediately, by order of the head of the culture department—who took up the post straight out of a vocational school at a brick factory—the old, ramshackle house where Anton Pavlovich Chekhov once lived was demolished by an excavator, and in its place they built the brand-new house where he lived. In the public garden in front of the museum, they erected a monument of Anton Pavlovich sitting on a bench, looking on with approval in his eyes as he reads your speech from the latest Party plenum.
Yet we do not hold a grudge against our officials for these excesses. We understand how hard things are for them right now. You told them they need to be strong personalities, but you gave them no instructions or memos explaining how to become one. You told them to restructure, but you didn't give them a deadline. And now they cannot figure out when they are supposed to report that they restructured ahead of schedule. Furthermore... You keep telling them to move forward, but you never explain which way is forward. And they certainly don't know it themselves. Please understand: that's how it has always been in our city. Those who had a talent for the arts went into art. Those with a gift for science went into science. Those capable of manufacturing went into production... And those who were lazy in their youth and never developed any talents at all went to work in the Komsomol and the trade unions, and began managing those who actually had talent, until the latter lost theirs as well under such management.
In short, thank you for your visit! Our city has become beautiful, green, and well-kept! Planes have begun flying to neighboring collective farms. And telephone communication with other cities—which the Germans cut during their retreat—has finally been restored.
Of course, once you left, all the groceries vanished from our stores again. But during the time you were here, we stockpiled three years' worth of supplies. Therefore, we earnestly ask you: come back in three years! By then, the paint on our buildings will have peeled, the monuments will be filthy again, the bridge will drift away from the shore once more, and new children will be born who will need new kindergartens. Naturally, we understand that you are very busy. You have many other cities like ours to visit. They are all standing in line to see you. So if you can't come yourself, at least notify our local authorities that you plan to. And then they will be forced to do something for the people once again.
Dear Comrade General Secretary! We have one more humble request: if it is not too much trouble, could someone from your entourage spread a rumor before your next arrival that you really love inspecting ordinary apartments to check if there is hot running water?
We would really love to take a bath!
I Don't Understand!
I must confess: the older I get, the more things I fail to understand.
For example, I don't understand how people travel on express passenger trains if tickets aren't sold at any ticket office eleven days in advance, but ten days in advance all tickets at those same counters are already sold out?
I also don't understand where we are going to put all the shoes our factories have produced?
I don't understand why, after staff cutbacks, the number of employees in government offices only keeps increasing?
I don't understand: is there any other country in the world where women complain simultaneously that there is no food in the shops and that they can't lose weight?
And when I look at the younger generation, I wonder how many old men in the twenty-first century will be telling their grandchildren: "Back when we were young, we sang decent songs, like heavy metal!"
I also don't understand many of our brand names. For example, what kind of name is "Radium" for candies? Or an "Othello" cake?! And what about "Komsomol" gingerbread? Can you only chew through it while you're of Komsomol age? And I have no idea what scent the "Sports Club" cologne is supposed to have.
Yet that is far from everything I don't understand. Sometimes I don't understand things that are better spoken of only in a whisper.
For instance, I don't understand why the industrial proletariat is considered our ruling class, when in reality our ruling class is the service sector. And the further we go, the more dominant they become.
And I don't understand why we all have to "restructure." I can see why someone who worked poorly should now work well. But what about someone who already worked well? Are they supposed to work poorly now?
And I simply cannot grasp why the people always suffer from decrees issued on their behalf, while those against whom the decrees are directed end up living even better?
By the way, I don't understand: is it permitted nowadays to say what I'm saying, or not? In fact, does anyone even understand what is allowed to be said today and what isn't?
I genuinely wanted to figure it out, so I started watching television and listening to local officials give speeches, but I understood nothing there either, because every other word out of their mouths is "so to speak," "by and large," or "somewhere along the lines." And I don't understand what "so to speak, socialism," "by and large, perestroika," or "somewhere along the lines, glasnost" actually means... I understand that glasnost must exist somewhere, but where?
I also fail to understand how people who can barely speak grammatically can hold leadership positions, all while calling themselves "loyal Leninists." What does the phrase "loyal Leninist" even mean? To my mind, if someone is a Leninist, they are already loyal by definition. If they have to specify "loyal Leninist," does that imply there is an unfaithful Leninist running around somewhere? Who exactly do they have in mind?
On top of that, after watching countless broadcasts, I still haven't figured out: do they really want to establish private cooperatives? Or is this just a nationwide campaign to flush out swindlers?
In short, I've realized one thing: if I actually understood what I was talking about, it would be much better to keep quiet. But since I don't understand, I can speak out. Just to be safe, though, in a whisper.
I don't understand why we need trade unions. No, I understand needing a union that protects workers' interests. But I don't understand needing a union that protects...
And I don't understand what the Komsomol actually does. And do they understand what they are doing themselves? And I completely fail to understand why one comrade from the Komsomol proposed a resolution to fight against showmanship and empty pretense. Doesn't he realize what kind of showmanship in fighting showmanship will break out once that resolution is passed?
I don't understand anything about our planned economy! For example, why is socialist competition supposed to be a good thing? How can an assembly line producing right-foot socks compete with an assembly line producing left-foot socks?!
And I don't understand why overfulfilling the plan strengthens our economy. What are we supposed to do with door handles if they manufacture three times more handles than doors? I suppose you could screw them onto cooking pots. Maybe that's why we end up buying washing machines with aircraft engines that make you feel like you're about to achieve lift-off when you turn them on; vacuum cleaners made from armor-piercing artillery shells; briefcases fitted with padlock latches from garden sheds... And recently, they say a factory released kettles with police whistles. Now, whenever the kettle boils in the morning, sleepy car owners reach into their pockets and pull out a three-ruble bribe.
And I really don't understand how one of our domestic car plants came out with the slogan: "We will become trendsetters in global automotive design!" Meanwhile, at the last international auto show, visitors hung a sign on their latest model: "You might as well have brought a horse!" In fact, I don't understand many of our slogans. For instance, what kind of slogan is: "Perestroika is inevitable!" What is it, a prison sentence?!
And now in a complete whisper, so only those who agree with me can hear: I don't understand why I have to vote at my place of residence for someone who was nominated at their workplace...
And finally, I don't understand: maybe it's a good thing that I don't understand any of this?! Because whoever you talk to, they don't understand it either. Or else they understand that it's much better not to understand. And when you realize just how many people understand that it's best not to understand, it becomes completely clear why we have so many incomprehensible things around us!
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