Prose - People's computer.

         PEOPLE'S C O M P U T E R

Written by Efim Strimmer
Edited by KAKTUS MCMXCIX

   - Captain Cloud has arrived on your orders, -click-
The round-faced fellow cheerfully reported, kicking his heels
   The gray-haired state security colonel looked at him
right in the eyes.
   - Come in, sit down, Cloud.
   His gaze fell on the captain's shoulder straps.
   - You have a serious task ahead of you today.
“If you cope, you’ll say goodbye to three stars,” he joked.
Colonel, and Clouds immediately sparkled in his eyes
Major's stars.
   The colonel opened the safe and quickly took something out of it.
Then he quickly brought his
fist and, shaking it, said loudly:
   - That's where it is, our strength!
   Cloud looked knowingly at his boss's fist
and stood at attention. The same one, grabbing Cloud
by the wrist, turned his hand palm up
and carefully opened his fist over her.
   - Take care like the apple of your eye!
   Cloud now looked perplexedly at first
empty palm of the colonel, then to his deserted
bare five. A silent question froze in his eyes.
   “I understand,” the colonel laughed.  - Well, so
even better. Nobody will guess! -With these words he
tightly squeezed the captain's hand, and turned to his
lecturer to secretary:
   - Lyubochka, call this clyster tube.
   A man in a white coat appeared at the threshold of the office.
He silentlywalked up to the table and began to lay out on it
your own medical supplies: bandages, water baths,
some kind of powder. Then, with deft movements, he bandaged
the captain's hand and began preparing the plaster.
Up to the captain's consciousness slowly, like a passenger
the train, but inevitably, like paying taxes, began to earn
to understand the meaning of this operation.
   - You will go at night, under cover of darkness. The main thing
don't overact, act naturally. - Colonel
looked soulfully into the incorruptible eyes of Cloud.
   - If something happens to you, you will forever remain...
“You are in our hearts, dear comrade,” he reassured
he is the captain's farewell.
   The date on the desk calendar was December 31st.

   Exactly at 23:00 from the gates of the Ukrainian Embassy in Moscow
A blue and yellow car jumped out at full speed.
For purposes of secrecy, the inscription “Zaporozhets” was replaced
to foreign "Moskvitch". Following from three lanes
The black Volgas crawled out lazily and within ten
seconds they overtook the “fugitive”.
   “Everything is going according to plan,” thought the people in the Volga and
in "Zaporozhets".
   Braking sharply at the station, the driver of the "Zaporozhets"
jumped out of the car and rushed to the ticket office. picture
was depressing - near the ticket office in the direction he needed
there was a long line. He didn’t have time to settle down
at the end of the line, people in civilian clothes ran into the hall and,
having grabbed the driver of the "Zaporozhets" by the arms, he quickly
followed to the line police station...And at this time, twenty meters from the Embassy fence,
of Ukraine, the sewer manhole slowly rose,
and a plumber with rebins appeared on the surface
with a trained hand. He was already waiting for him at the nearest bench.
bicycle "Ukraine" black. In ten minutes
he abandoned his two-wheeled friend and crossed on foot
a large puddle, at the other end of which awaited him
a vehicle of a similar model, but green
colors. Having reached the station without incident, the water supply
The boy got on the train and it started moving. On dialers
speed in the green cars there were white signs, and in the window
the third compartment of carriage number six could be seen
familiar plumber with the face of Captain Cloud, with
with an appetite devouring black bread and lard. Approx.
New Year was coming...

   Having finished his meal, Captain Cloud looked at his watch.
The hands showed a quarter to twelve. " New
the year is near,” flashed through the captain’s head, “and so-
possible." In addition to Clouds, a naval officer was traveling in the compartment
forty-five, a gray-haired, mustachioed pensioner with glasses and a lady,
about ten years ago, she left the Komsomol age.
The compartment was filled with excitement caused by the approach
holiday. The naval officer pulled out from his “diplomat”
a bottle of champagne, a lady in Adidas sweatpants
began to lay out all sorts of household miscellaneous items on the table
Soly, a pensioner, groaning, opened various con-
serves, which he bought in the white stone, and onlyCaptain Cloud with an indifferent look began to produce
disassembling and assembling a personalized Makarov pistol. It rang out
cotton, and the champagne ran into tin mugs.
   “What about you, comrade,” the pensioner turned to
plumber - Join us.
   Taking a look at Olivier, roast pork, homemade
eggplant caviar, a jar of pickled mushrooms,
terbrod with sprats and black caviar, fried
golden chicken legs, sliced pickled cucumbers
chicks, thick fatty cutlets on slices of white bread and
white and yellow ovals of hard-boiled eggs, Cloud did not
force neighbors to persuade themselves for a long time and, devouring
through the eyes of this travel still life, agreed:
   - I didn’t want to, well, since people are asking!
   Exactly at twelve the mugs clinked and the champagne
hit the heads of the passengers of the Moscow-Kyiv train.
Having not yet relaxed enough, the captain agreed
with the first toasts “To the New Year!” and “To the beautiful
I'll give it to you! ". But when the glasses were raised for the third time,
an emboldened captain waving a stabbed fork
with a circle of homemade sausage, I decided to take the floor.
   And I s-suggest a toast to the state security workers-
news, carrying out their difficult service even in this new
good watches... and perhaps risking their lives for-
Cloud finished, and, having eaten a pickled cucumber, shed tears.

   Large antique clock in the office of Colonel Pro-
it was one o'clock in the morning. The colonel himself sat, bending over
festivetable on which there was only a lonely
a bowl of rye crackers and a liter jar of cooled
boiled water. Charter of guard service and
lack of cash did not allow him to feast much
at a time when the people of Ukraine were experiencing hardships and
deprivation of independent existence. His thoughts were about
Captain Cloud.
   “How is he doing,” thought the colonel, gnawing on a cracker.
   - It’s probably hard for him now...

   It really wasn't easy for Captain Cloud. He is
fought with all his might against the feeling of hunger that
carefully moved away from him, but it had not yet been eaten
half. Having swallowed another sandwich, he
the lady liked him, he struck me on the spot with the first shot
a cockroach crawling along the wall. Having produced the desired effect,
Cloud climbed onto the top shelf, where he forgot in sweet
what a nap. He had a New Year's dream. As if he
in bloomers the color of scarlet poppy and white, embroidered with patterns
shirt, belted with a wide blue belt, sculpts
snow woman, and a blizzard is blowing all around. From a neighboring village
girls came running in Adidas sweatpants and drove
there is a round dance around him. Smiling at the girls, he was already
I was about to fix the snowman's carrot nose, when suddenly
heard the voice of the colonel, whom I turned into
snow woman:
   - What are you allowing yourself to do, Captain Cloud!
   - Leave it alone!  Attention!
   Cloud took to his heels in fright and ran into the first
same hut and came across a man ingovernment
uniform with a stone face.
   - Documents! - he demanded in an icy voice.
   Cloud was dumbfounded, and the official, with a magician’s gesture, pulled out
he has a Ukrainian passport, in which under the photo
it was written: "Santa Claus".
   - Yes, forgery of documents plus maritime smuggling -
forging,” the official announced loudly and, snatching from him
carrot from his hands and bit into it with a crunch. I'll close the cloud-
rushed, and when he opened his eyes, he saw that he was
in a smoky room and sitting tied to a chair.
Opposite him, with his long legs on the table,
The Snow Maiden lived.
   - Well, are you going to shoot up or talk differently?
Santa Claus, aka Isaac Giant Schnauzer, aka plumber-
chick Cloud,” she addressed him in a smoky voice
Snow Maiden. For some reason, Cloud didn’t want to say “in
to another," but the big dumpling he had
gagged, not allowed to say a word. You are silent. Well
well... -with these words the Snow Maiden extinguished papi-
dew on the green cloth and, rummaging in the desk drawer, pulled out
A bundle of yellow paper came into the light. The cloud was dumbfounded. He
would have recognized this bundle from a thousand. It had the most
dear and valuable to him - his sandwiches with lard. Sn-
The little girl unwrapped the package and began cynically, before our eyes
at Cloud, devouring his sandwiches. Poor Cloud groaned,
began to tear and rush; Snow Maiden, carefully
while cutting food, she threw it in his face: “Is this what you wanted?!”
This?!" Finally Cloud managed to swallowdumpling, and
he shouted furiously:
   - Stop it! Stop it, you monsters!
   - But that's not all.
   An aluminum cigarette case appeared in the hands of the Snow Maiden
with the familiar inscription "Donbass". Everything went cold for Cloud
inside, he pleaded:
   - No, you wouldn’t dare! No! No!
   “Well, why not,” and the Snow Maiden brought it to her
charming mouth with a piece of lard extracted from
cigarette case. This was the last piece that Cloud
specially saved for some unexpected
case. Seasoned with special spices, with meat
pain... The captain’s nerves could not stand it, he shouted:
   - Stop! I'll tell you everything! Aah!..

   Captain Cloud woke up in a cold sweat. He was lying
on the top shelf facing the wall. Without having time to move away from
nightmare, he shuddered from the noise of the opening
compartment doors. A cheerful male voice rang out:
   - Well, captain, we've arrived! Pack your things and
exit!
   The heart was pounding furiously in the chest of the "plumbing-
chika "Clouds.
   Here's sleep in your hand, he thought, his hand trembling.
Coy taking out the Orbit record from his breast pocket
without sugar ", in which instead of sugar there was cyanide
potassium Squeezing the saving plate, Cloud slowly
turned and saw two fit men in the doorway
people in military uniform. The decision was made instantly.
Greedily grabbing the chewing gum, he began to
something to chew. However, the smile did not leave the soldier’s face
a man in major's uniform. ThisCloud was alarmed.
   “Well, Seryoga, we’re already approaching,” responded the seaman.
officer, addressing those entering.
   - Yes, in ten minutes - Eagle.
   The officer quickly got ready and began to say goodbye, and the water-
the conductor suddenly jumped off the shelf in one fell swoop, and how
there, barefoot, he ran to the end of the carriage. Locked up
in the toilet, he feverishly began to unwrap the wad-
a new chewing gum wrapper and not finding it on
quality mark label, sighed with relief: “Wow!..
Marriage bastards!"

   The train was approaching customs, and in the window of the third compartment
carriage number six could be seen slightly dented
Captain Tuchu, who was carefully reading the magazine "Murzilka".
In the section "Octobers - in the country of October" for him
instructions were printed on how to behave at customs.
I must say that our captain had a bad time
vision, so the text was typed in large bold letters.
   "When a customs officer appears, behave calmly,
take some relaxed pose - just
the captain managed, moving his lips, to read the syllables,
how a friendly customs officer appeared on the threshold of the compartment,
which he easily recognized the character from his night
th nightmare. Straining his memory, Cloud tried to remember
at least some kind of “relaxed pose”, and in a second
attempt to do a headstand was successful.
From his blue uniform socks with yellow tridents
cartridges rained down on his ankles.
   - Is he crazy? -The customs officer turned to
to his compartment neighbors.
   - I’ll ask you to choose expressions when you talk to...
pitan derzhbezpacks, - the captain’s pride soared,
and he slammed his plastered hand on the table so that
oil from a jar of sprats splashed onto the uniform
customs officer. He looked out of the compartment and began to call
greenhouses Fellow traveler Clouds tried to defuse the situation
new
   - Yes, excuse him. Well, I drank too much. New Year
after all!
   - Okay... We'll inspect things. What's the
zete? - He looked unfriendly at Cloud.
   - Nothing forbidden and special... - chewing bread
with a cutlet, Cloud began to report, but stuttered,
found the required paragraph in "Murzilka" and, moving his finger along
page, he continued, “...don’t have anything special with you.”
I carry it.
   - What about the hand?
   Cloud's eyes darted across the page, however, the answer to
this question was not there. Then he, having eaten a cucumber,
barked: “That’s what!” - and, cracking a customs officer with plaster
between the eyes, grabbed a chicken leg and started running.
Jumping out of the carriage, the captain headed towards the head of the train.
yes, leaving traces of slippers in the snow for the forty-fifth time -
measure and having breakfast on the go. Climbing onto the bandwagon
electric locomotive and waving a pistol, he ordered the use
frightened driver to separate couples. The train started and
began to pick up speed. On the running board of the rushing through the white
Captain Cloud hung in the darkness of the electric locomotive, looking intently
blew into the endless snowy plains andjoyfully
was shooting away from invisible pursuers...

   At the next station, an icy figure of water supply
the driver with a chicken leg in his teeth was removed from the electric locomotive and
sent by parcel post to Kyiv.
   The first thing Captain Cloud saw when he opened his eyes was
was the smiling face of his colleague Major
Kotsyuby.
   - It's okay, Cloud. Rest... It's all over.
   When Cloud came to his senses, the doctors began to remove his plaster cast.
shake his hand.
   - What was I carrying anyway?
   - Now you'll see...
   The plaster was removed, but the fingers stubbornly refused to straighten -
Xia. Finally, with the help of four orderlies, the fist of the capital
Tan Cloud managed to unclench, and his hand was carefully
turned over a glass Petri dish. But even now
he saw nothing, no matter how hard he strained his weak eyesight.
tion. Then a microscope was pushed towards him, and through the eyepiece
he saw a bunch of small square plates with glitter
drawing conclusions.
   “These are the latest microprocessors,” Kotsyuba explained.
   The microprocessors were labeled "Intel"
Inside", circled.
   “No-te, no-se,” Cloud read to himself, and out loud
confirmed - neither this nor that! How many of them are there?
   - There are hundreds of thousands of them here! Now we have finally raised
meme our computer industry... To the people's computer
teru - to be! - Kotsyuba concluded pathetically.

   This is how this New Year's story ended. Capi-
Tan Tucha was awarded for a successful operation
under the code name"People's Commissar" and the courage shown
and heroism, and as a souvenir they gave him one such pro-
tsessor. And now, when guests come to Major Tucha,
with pride and trepidation he takes out from the sideboard and
monsters the guests. And they look incredulously at the empty
that ashtray in his unplastered hand.

"NARCOM" CW Kyiv 12/27/95