Anigdot No. 47 - Good evening dear!!!

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  ▒▒▒▒░ ▀▀▀▀▄ Mr.ZERO
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░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▓▓ ░░░░ E YOU.      ▀▀▀▀▄ ▒▒░
░░09.11.96░░░░░░░ ░░░░░ R ▀▀▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄
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                 Good evening dear!!!
 Yes, it is already evening and late Saturday. A few hours ago
your humble servant came fromneighboring countries and is already sitting and
writes this text. Not much has changed for you and ONLINE
came out, but he just became kind of boring (I was disappointed).
 But it's not all bad these days. In the last issue it was published
there are a large number of jokes about lieutenant Rzhevsky,
this collection is not finished, read the continuation, and another collection
Anecdotes about the mother-in-law are supplemented by today's issue.
 So read, drink beer and enjoy life.
Speaking of birds, maybe we will soon come out in a new “look” and
with sound - wait for the next episode.
                          Bye !!!
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°
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Walks through the forest in summer (V)olk and meets stoned (Z)aits with
(M)bear.
(Z) - Hey! Grey! Well, come here!
(B) fits.
(Z) - Where is your Panama hat?!
(IN) - ???
(Z) - Well, it’s summer, it’s hot, and you’re without a Panama hat!
(B) - I don’t have a Panama hat...
Here from behind (B) jumps out (M) with a sewer hatch and lowers
him (B) on his head with the words:
- Here's your Panama hat!
(B) is taken away by the intensive care unit.
Six months later, barely alive (B), on crutches, again walks through the forest and
meets stoned (Z) and (M) again.
(Z) - Hey! Grey! Well, come here! Where are your mittens?!
(IN) - ???
(Z) - Well, it’s winter, it’s cold, and you’re not wearing gloves!
(B) - H-I don’t have r-hands-kav-vits...
Here from behind (B) jumps out (M) with a sewer hatch and lowers
him (B) on his head with the words:
- Here's your Panama hat!

A surgeon (x) and an orderly (c) enter the room with an ax.
Kh: Ivanov, left arm amputation.
S: Bale!
Kh: Petrov, amputation of the right leg.
S: Bale!
H: I said legs!!!!!
S: Bale!
H: I said right!!!!!
S: Bale!

Concentration camp. Line up the prisoners.
An SS man walks along, lazily like this:
- Shoot, into the gas chamber, shoot, ...
Suitable for a hefty Ukrainian:
- into the gas chamber...
Topknot:
Well, comrade SS man, how long can a gas chamber be, well, head
It already hurts from your gas chamber!

The doctor is walking along the corridor.
He remembers what heI need to write something down.
He takes out a notepad from his robe.
And because of the ear... a medical candle and so thoughtfully says:
Where is the pencil then?

The mother-in-law comes to her son-in-law.
- Dear son-in-law, here’s a hundred thousand for you. Spin as you want, but
bury me in the Kremlin wall.
The next morning the son-in-law comes to his mother-in-law.
- Dear mother-in-law, spin as you wish, but the funeral is today
twelve.

What is ambivalence?
- This is when you see your mother-in-law flying into the abyss on your
car!

“That’s not bad either,” said the son-in-law, throwing a stone at the dog, and hitting
to my mother-in-law.

- I'll give you ten dollars if you go to the station and
you will meet my mother-in-law.
- What if she doesn’t come?
- Then you'll get twice as much.

- Hello, police? I didn’t get along well with my mother-in-law - I don’t know how
be!
- And we already have enough worries. Make peace - and that's it!
- That’s not what we’re talking about now! I'm thinking: hide the body or confess
go?

- Listen, why did you marry your ex-wife's sister?
“I couldn’t bear another mother-in-law.”

An old woman comes to her son-in-law. Her grandson meets her at the door.
- Grandma, who brought you?
- Nobody, I came myself.
- And dad saw you through the window and said:
“The devil is carrying the mother-in-law again!”

- How are you?
- Yes, I had a quarrel with my wife.
- What didn’t you share?
- Mother-in-law. I suggested cutting it into two equal parts, and my wife
offered to leave her alone.

Mother-in-law:
- Tell me, what did you think when you first saw my daughter?
- I thought: “Oh, what kind ofher beautiful mother!..."

A man is looking for a saw in the closet. Not finding it, he asks his wife:
- Do you know where our old saw is?
The mother-in-law's voice comes from the kitchen:
- If I drank, I’m not that old yet!

The hardest time for a person to hide his feelings is when he says goodbye
with my mother-in-law at the station.

- Why did your mother-in-law die?
- I was poisoned by fly agarics.
- Why are you covered in bruises?
- I didn’t want to eat!

- So you saw how the criminal strangled your mother-in-law?
- I saw it, Mr. Judge.
- Why didn’t you rush to help?
- I wanted to, but I saw that he could handle it himself and decided not to.
interfere.

Mother-in-law to son-in-law:
- You say I’m a burden to you...
Who made me a mother-in-law if not you!

- To encourage my daughter to study music, I gave her
violin. Alas, this came to nothing.
- The same thing happened to my mother-in-law when I gave her a suitcase.

A traffic police inspector stops a Zhiguli and asks sternly
driver:
- How do you explain the speeding on the road near the village?
Well?
- My mother-in-law lives there.

The general ordered mushrooms to be collected, lined up the regiment in a chain and
combs the surrounding area. Voice from the chain:
- Comrade General, are we taking pale toadstools?
- Let's take it!
- So they are poisonous!
- It’s said: we take it, it’s like eating the mother-in-law...

The son-in-law throws his mother-in-law off the balcony, leans over the railing and
shouts:
- Mom, where are you going?

- Yesterday my wife got sick, and today her mother came to
look after her.
- Yes, trouble never comesone.

On the steps of the church, where the wedding ceremony is about to begin,
the mother of the bride comes up to the groom, hugs him and says:
- From now on, you have in me not only a mother-in-law, but also a friend...
A minute later, the father of the bride comes up to the groom and whispers to him
ear:
- With such a “friend” you don’t even need enemies!

- My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
- Well, how does your mother-in-law feel?
- Mother-in-law is fine, but the dog is dead.

The mother-in-law treats her son and son-in-law:
- Eat, eat, son, and you, son-in-law, eat.
The son-in-law began to eat, and the son said to him:
- You were just invited to eat, and you’re already eating with all your might!

- Why are you so ill-mannered?
Mom comes to visit - you don’t take her anywhere, you don’t take her!
- What's the point? She still finds her way home!

At a hammer throwing competition, one of the athletes says
to another:
- Today I need to try, my mother-in-law is sitting on the podium.
- Don’t try, you won’t finish anyway.

The son-in-law wanted to erect a grave monument for his mother-in-law.
At the funeral service bureau he asks:
- Do you have anything solid, but cheap?
- There is one slab, but another name is already carved on it.
- It’s okay, my mother-in-law couldn’t read.

Two friends meet, one of them with two colored
TVs.
- Why do you need two?
- My mother-in-law said that she would give half her life for a color TV!

Mother-in-law is sitting on the sofa.
An ancient massive clock hangs above her head.
When the mother-in-law gets up, the clock falls.
- They are always late! - the son-in-law says annoyed.

Runs upthe man goes to the policeman and says:
- Take me away, otherwise I will kill my mother-in-law.
- Kill mine at the same time, and I’ll help you get a shorter sentence.
He spat and ran to the prosecutor.
- Comrade prosecutor, take me away, otherwise I will kill my mother-in-law.
- Kill mine too, I’ll help you sit less.
 A man got drunk, went and killed three mothers-in-law - his, a policeman and
prosecutor.
The trial is underway:
- For the murder of three mothers-in-law, citizen Ivanov is sentenced to
six months' imprisonment.
The judge turns around and says quietly:
- And if he killed mine, he wouldn’t get anything at all!

One lady was bitten by a dog on the street.
The confused owner explains:
- Usually my boxer is very cute, but yours are probably the same.
perfume, like my mother-in-law's.

The man was tired of his grumpy mother-in-law, he took a white sheet and made
cut, pulled the table apart, and covered it with a sheet.
Then he crawled under the table, stuck his head into the slot, and around his neck
poured some chicken blood, stuck out his tongue and waited.
Mother-in-law enters. He sees his son-in-law’s severed head lying on the table and
let's scream.
The man opens his eyes and says: “Woof!”
My mother-in-law has a heart attack.
The man at the police station explains:
“She barked at me all her life, and I only barked at her once.”

A boxer is being tried in a courtroom for beating a woman.
The boxer is a master of sports, a sharp, twitchy man.
Judge:
- Well, tell me, defendant, why did you beat the woman?
- What woman, this is my mother-in-law!
- Isn’t your mother-in-law a woman? - asks the judge.
“Yes, a woman in general,” the boxer thinks thoughtfully.
-Well, tell the court why you beat her.
- Well, this means I come home, I go to the kitchen, I sit
I eat.
Mother-in-law - zhu-zhu-zhu, zhu-zhu-zhu, and I sit and eat. Mother-in-law again - zhu-zhu-zhu,
zhu-zhu-zhu - and then it opened...

A dirty, dirty man is walking down the street.
- Man, why are you so dirty?
- Yes, I kissed the locomotive.
- What are you, a fool?
- No, I sent my mother-in-law home!

Worship in the church.
Father shaking the censer.
- You can’t swear in church...
- You can’t swear in church...
- You can’t swear in church...
- And who will swear like a censer!

(P)Pop is fixing a fence, a little (M)boy is looking at him.
(P) Boy, you probably want to become a carpenter?
(M) No, I just want to see what the priests say when
hit your finger with a hammer.

After the test, the students went to the toilet.
They are sitting. From one booth:
(1) - Did he give you this pi%&p?
(2) - No... :(
(1) - What about you?
(2) - And he didn’t give me...
Voice from the third booth:
(G) - AND I WILL NOT DELIVER!!!

The sergeant instructs a young soldier before going on guard duty.
Then he decided to check what he had learned and asked:
- So, you stand at your post, and I go and don’t pay attention to
your shouts.
Your actions.
- I’m calling the breeder.
- What do you need a breeder for?
- To drag away your dead body, Comrade Sergeant.

Exam in cumehapuu.
(Father) Is the soul separable from the body?
(Student) Separable, father.
(B) Justify.
(C) Just now I was walking past yourat home, and I hear:
get dressed, my soul, and get out...
(B) Hmmm. Justified, but in the most obscene way...

During an exam at a medical school, a girl answers the ticket:
Professor: Okay, now an additional question:
What muscles are involved in a man's erection of the penis?
Girl: I don’t know, but you, professor, probably have biceps!

The son-in-law opens the door to his mother-in-law:
- Hello mom, are you staying with us for a long time?
- Yes, we won’t get tired of it yet
- So why don’t you take off your clothes, mom?
- So you won’t drink tea?

A (M) snake is walking down the street, an aunt is hanging on the balcony of the 5th floor and yelling,
and from the balcony another guy beats her on the wrist!
(M) - What are you doing to a woman, you bastard?
(D) - This is not a woman, this is a mother-in-law!
(M) - Ish, the bitch is hooked!

(F)ena comes home and looks:
The mother-in-law is lying on the floor covered in bruises, standing next to her!
(F) - What happened?
(M) - Yes, she’s dead!
(F) - Lord, how can this be?!?
(M) - Yes, I ate too many rotten mushrooms!
(F) - Why are you bruised?
(M) - I DID NOT WANT TO EAT!!!

Sits in the kitchen, melancholy sharpening a new axe.
(T)he comes in again.
(T) - Where did you get the ax?
(Z) silently sharpens further
(T) - WHERE DID YOU GET THE AX?!
(Z) is still melancholy sharpening his ax...
(T) - WHERE DID I GET TOPO-O-O-OR!!!???!!!
(Z) jumps up and smashes his butt into his mother-in-law's forehead!
The mother-in-law falls, the son-in-law calmly sits down and continues melancholy
sharpen the ax, saying to yourself:
"Where did you get it, where did you get it? I bought it!"

Abram came home one day...
...and from the bedrooma completely naked young man jumped out of his wife
and took off running.
The indignant Abram enters the bedroom and addresses his wife:
- Sarochka, what a youth!
Neither “thank you” to you, nor “goodbye” to me.

Once at some meeting Budyonny was asked:
- Do you like Babel?
To which the legendary division commander reasonably replied:
- It depends on what

After the end of the service, three young members leave the church
flock (two guys and a girl) and begin to get acquainted.
The first one says:
"My name is Peter, but I am not a saint."
The second one says:
"My name is Paul, but I am not an apostle."
The girl says:
“My name is Maria, and I don’t even know what to say.”

One man had a terribly ugly wife.
He comes home one day and finds her with her lover.
“Okay,” he tells him, “I’m a husband, I’m obliged, but what about you?”
what???

- Girl, would you like to go into business?
- Yes, but so that mom doesn’t find out...

A certain young guy saved up some money and bought himself a great motorcycle.
cycle - "Harley Davidson", popularly known as "Harley".
However, he doesn’t have the money for a special anti-rain coating.
enough. And the seller advised the guy to lubricate before the rain
motorcycle body with Vaseline. Which is exactly what the guy did.
And he carried Vaseline in his back pocket of his trousers and never carried it with him.
was breaking up. Some time passed, and the guy fell in love with the girl.
One day she invited him to dinner with her parents.
“Remember,” she said, “we have in our familythis rule:
Whoever says a word first after eating washes all the dishes.”
Lunch has passed - everyone is silent. To speed things up, the guy
in front of his parents, he hugs the girl and kisses her for a long time.
Zero emotions. Then he fucks the girl right on the table. Again
no reaction. The crazy guy grabs his mom and rudely
rapes her. Nobody moves. Suddenly the guy hears that
it started to rain outside. Remembering the motorcycle, he takes out
Vaseline in the back pocket of the trousers. The father of the family is not here
endures and says:
"Okay, I'll wash the dishes..."

A luxury plane is flying.
One of his passengers wanted to wash himself, but unexpectedly
It turns out that there are no free baths.
Then the flight attendant gives him her personal bath.
“Just don’t touch the buttons,” she warns.
In general, this guy is sitting in the bath, steaming, and he wanted
press the buttons, fortunately they were right at hand on
the side of the bath. And there were three buttons: CW, WW, ATR (THIS IS NOT A MODEM).
He presses CW, he feels it’s in the area in front
a trickle of cold water splashed out.
“Yeah, I see,” he thinks. Clicks on WW - a trickle goes there too
warm water.
“Well,” he thinks, “the third one gives hot water.”  Presses.
He recovers in the hospital. The lower part of the body is bandaged.
The doctor approaches him:
“Well, we told you, don’t touch the buttons.
Well, with the first everything is ok - Cold Water, with the second too - Warm Water"
"And ATR????!!!"
But it was AutomaticTampon Removing!!!

- Masha, what were you doing?
- I played with dolls with Olya.
- And who won?

Apparently, (M)akarevich came to perform, but out of spite, the amplifier
broke.
Here (G)ryzin approaches him.
(G) - Slush, dear! Let me be the amplifier!
(M) - Well, let's try.
Makarevich into the microphone - One, one, one.
(G) - Adyn, adyn, adyn...
(M) - !!!!??????!!!!

A man is carrying 6 dozen eggs and a bottle of vodka in his bag.
He climbs the stairs, one egg falls, but does not break.
A man bends down to pick up an egg, and at the same time he falls
a bottle of vodka and breaks. In desperation, a man on a grand scale
breaks eggs and shouts:
FUCK THESE EGGS!...

Seven kids kick a wolf.
He shouts:
- What are you doing, wolves?
- Shut up, Goat!

A family of cannibals sits by the fire.
Dad scooped a spoon into the cauldron, took a sip for steaming and how it cracked
Zhany. She burst into tears, and he told her:
- Fuck, how many times have I told you: when you put meat in soup - socks
take it off!!!

A man is flying from the tenth floor. The guy 4x4 catches him on the fifth:
- Are there any matches?
- No...
He throws him away.
-...Lighter-ah.

Since the new school year, there are no blackboards at the Uryupinsk school:
There is a monitor on each desk.
The only inconvenience: not all students, leaving for recess,
wipe the chalk off the screen with a cloth...

A hare drives through the forest in a Mercedes and meets a wolf.
The wolf asks:
- Where did you get it?
The hare answers:
- Go to the cemetery.
There is a coffin there. knock on it three times and you will see for yourself thatwill come next.
The wolf thought: “The hare is deceiving!”, but he went anyway.
He came and knocked. Here a skeleton crawls out of the coffin and looks so beyond the grave
asks in a voice:
- What do you need?
Wolf, stuttering, repenting.
- B-b-b-boom-m-maa-zhzhzhzh-zh-zhechky!...

The crow in the tavern got drunk
and talks to herself:
raising one wing - MONTANA! ... NOT ... HALF A MONTAIN!
having raised the second wing - now MONTANA!

Early morning.
A soldier is standing at a post near the warehouse.
And it locked him in, you know, for the most part.
He went behind the warehouse, put the rifle down, sat down,
does his thing.
Just finished, the commander happened to be nearby to check.
He grabbed the rifle that was leaning against him and said:
- Eat! (I mean, what fell out)
The soldier has nothing to do. Eats. I ate half of it.
“I can’t,” he says, “no more!”
The commander returns the rifle with the words:
- Don’t do that again, you’re on duty.
The soldier took the rifle and thinks
- "A commander without a chief of guard is therefore an outsider"
takes it to the ready and says to the commander:
- Finish your food!
He's finished eating, there's nothing to do!
...
A few years later they meet at a social reception.
They are introduced, and the former soldier says:
- But we know you!
The former commander replies:
- Yes, yes. We once had breakfast together.
“Oh, you idiot, fucking pi$ interrogation,” said
Lieutenant Rzhevsky cursed dirtyly.

Lieutenant Rzhevsky rides around Moscow in a cab.
“Oh, look, it’s an ass,” the Lieutenant shouts to the cab driver.
- It’s not an ass, butyoung lady,” the cab driver answers.
“Oh, look, it’s an ass,” the Lieutenant shouts again to the cab driver.
“It’s not an ass, but a policeman,” the cab driver answers.
“Hm-yes,” says Lieutenant after a while,
- after all, Moscow is a boring little town - we’ve already driven two miles,
and we never met a single asshole...

Podkolesin plays the lieutenant in the theater. As always, he forgot the role,
and the prompter tells him.
“Get married or something,” whispers the prompter.
“GET MARRIED SOMETHING,” repeats Rzhevsky.
“There’s no money,” whispers the prompter.
“YES THERE IS NO MONEY,” the Lieutenant repeats.
“You get up slowly,” the prompter prompts.
“BUT SOMETHING IS SLOWLY GETTING UP...,” says Rzhevsky.

Lieutenant Rzhevsky dances at a ball with Natasha Rostova.
“Lieutenant, let’s play innuendo,” says Natasha.
- How’s that?
- If I tell you, for example, “Lieutenant, kiss me on the R...”,
You must guess and kiss my hand.
- Oh, I understand, Natasha.
- Then it's your turn.
- Natasha, take me for the %#th two R...

The Rostov family sells furniture. It comes to Natasha's room.
- Madam, how much does this bed cost?
- It is not for sale, it is a memory of my intimate relationships
with Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
- Madam, how much does this piano cost?
- It is not for sale, it is a memory of my intimate relationships
with Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
- Madam, how much does this wardrobe cost?
- It is not for sale, it is a memory of my intimate relationships
with Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
- Excuse me, but there is only one left here.chandelier...
- You are mistaken, Lieutenant Rzhevsky was a great entertainer...

“Lieutenant, is this glass or opal?” asks Natasha,
pointing to the Lieutenant's ring.
“First it was glass, and then it fell,” he answers, not understanding the question.
Rzhevsky.

- Natasha, are you without panties again today?
- How did you know, Lieutenant?
- Because of dandruff on slippers...

The gentlemen hussars came up with a new type of billiards.
The pockets at the billiard table are removed and bare ones are put in their place.
women. If the hussar sent the ball right between his legs, then he will honor
he comes to kiss her hand. Lieutenant Rzhevsky found out about this.
- Listen, wouldn’t it be better to just kick them out?
- Well, when Lieutenant Rzhevsky comes, he will forever vulgarize everything...

- Lieutenant, you promised to marry me...
- Well, you never know what I promised TO WHOM!!!

Lieutenant Rzhevsky plays Chatsky.
- I’m no longer a rider here... Not a rider... Not a rider...
Ugh, damn, I forgot!!!

The lieutenant asks Natasha Rostova at the ball:
- Natasha, why is there a cutout on your glove?
- So that men could kiss my hand...
“Ah,” said the lieutenant, “now I understand why.”
there is a slit in my overcoat.

Lieutenant Rzhevsky is riding on a train, lying on the top bunk.
Hear the lady downstairs say:
- Darling, remember, never put your eggs on silver,
it becomes dull because of this.
“Live and learn,” thought Lieutenant Rzhevsky and shifted his
a cigarette case from a trouser pocket into a jacket.

The lieutenant was asked to play Othello.
He refuses, but they gave himcheat sheet on which to speak
role.
I applied this piece of paper to the inside of my jacket and went to
stage.
- Desdemona! Infection, bitch, bastard! - looks at the piece of paper,
- You are silent, pause, ha-ha three times.

- What are you thinking about, Lieutenant?
- About the same thing you are talking about, Natasha.
- Ugh, Lieutenant, what a vulgar you are!

- Lieutenant, why aren’t the ladies offended by your vulgarities?
- And my word never diverges from my deeds.

Natasha Rostova asks the lieutenant a riddle:
- Lieutenant, guess what it is - small, gray,
in the genital slit - whack!!!
The lieutenant hesitates:
- Natasha, but this is indecent, hmm...
- Lieutenant, what are you talking about, it’s a mouse!
The lieutenant takes off his pince-nez in surprise:
- Mouse??? In pi$de??? Original!

Three ladies argue about what is more painful: giving birth, having an abortion or
to lose one's maiden honor.
- Eh, have you ever hit your balls with a frying pan? - intervenes
into conversation Lieutenant Rzhevsky.

Student's diary:
2 days until the scholarship - I really want to eat!
1 day until the steppe - I really want to eat!!
STEPUKHA!!!!
1 day after the scholarship - I don’t remember anything!!
2nd day after Stepukha - I don’t remember anything!!
3rd day after Stepukha - I really want to eat!

- When do you have lunch?
- At five o'clock.
- What are you doing after lunch?
- I'm waiting for dinner.

- Grandfather! Is it true that you are a luminary of science?
- Yes, partly true, but what?
- It’s dark for me to read, so light it up, please...

The photographer, pointing the camera at the face of the dead man, involuntarily said:
- Now please don'tmove and make a cheerful face.

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Editor-in-Chief: Mr.ZERO, Ilya, t. 499-3117
Technical editor: M&G Corp., Igor, t. 496-6159

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