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▒▒▒▒░ ▀▀▀▀▄ Mr.ZERO
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░░11.10.96░░░░░░░░░░ ░░ R ▀▀▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄
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-=RECOMMENDED=-
I sell and collect phones with caller ID to order!
Some characteristics of the standardconfigurations:
- phone case type TECHNICA P-2308 (PANASONIC family)
- extended keyboard (23 buttons)
- large flat red indicator (70X15 mm)
- circuitry of caller ID type ELLIS (for micro-processors of the INTEL series)
- software version RUSS 22C+ (SUPER NEW)
Main service capabilities of Caller ID "RUS-22C+" (ELLIS):
- notebook for 100 numbers
- memory for storing information about callers per 100
numbers
- memory of outgoing numbers for 100 numbers
- 10 universal alarm clocks with 20 different melodies
- number identification mode when dialing on a parallel phone
- ANTI-Caller ID mode
- warning mode about listening to conversations by strangers
persons
- remote control mode
- digital volume control
- call forwarding modes (by time and number)
nenta
- mixed request mode, which provides number identification
by 99.9%
- "line capture" mode - this mode captures (busy)
ie) telephone line for your conversation, as soon as the line
will be released
- auto search mode for phone numbers using 2 or more digits
- mode of blocking access to a long-distance line, using
lock-lock provided in the TECHNICA housing
At the request of the customer, the Caller ID configuration can additionally
included:
- super large red indicator 90X20 mm.
- speakerphone (SPEAKERPHONE) of three types: 1m./2m./3m.
- voice card(electronic answering machine) for 4 min.
- extended memory for 256 numbers
- electronic device BEEPER
The phone I purchased comes with a 2 YEAR WARRANTY!!!
The cost of a standard telephone configuration with Caller ID is 225 tr.
Assembly time is 3-7 days.
I also carry out:
- repair of caller IDs of any type
- replacing software versions with the newest ones
- replacement of housings + installation of large indicators
- memory expansion up to 256 numbers
- installation of voice cards for 4 minutes.
- installation of SPEAKERPHONa
Voice board (digital tape recorder) is an electronic auto-
a transponder designed to record the voice of callers.
QUALITY GUARANTEED!!!
Call: 496-61-59 (IGOR) 19:00-23:00
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°
18 year old Lenin rushes around his office in thought. What to do?
The GOELRO plan is in danger! The country is suffocating without wires!
Calls Bonch-Bruevich:
- Bonch B'uevich! If you don't take measures, then advise
the construction of communism, because Soviet power already exists,
but there is no and cannot be electrification of the entire country until you,
my friend, you won’t get the wire.
“Listen, Vladimir Ilyich,” it dawned on Bonch-Bruevich, “he has
I have a communist in mind - Khaimovich - let's give him a party ID
I think I can handle the task.
- Go ahead, let him take half the currency from the treasury and
is sent.
A month passed, then another, suddenly to the portships begin to arrive
rolls of wire are dumped. Satisfied Ilyich calls
Bonch-Bruevich:
- Listen, Bonch B'uevich, call me your Khaimovich,
let him tell you how he did it.
They called.
- What can I tell you, Vladimir Ilyich, I went to the treasury,
Having received your task, they gave me 3 dollars there. I went
to Europe. I contacted one company and another - what can you buy for $3?
Then I went to America, to General Electric itself. I come and
I say, I need wires. And they told me:
How much do you need? and 3 dollars, I say.
Well, they laughed, for 3 dollars we can cut your wires
from the tip of your ear to the tip of your #uy. This is where they come
wrong! Because the tip of my ear was here, and the tip of my ear was in
Odessa synagogue!!!
An elderly general goes to the theater with his young wife.
Suddenly he brakes the car sharply, grabs his wife by the hand and drags her into
nearby bushes.
(Wife) - Honey, we’ll be late for the theater
(General) - Nothing, your theater will remain as it stood,
but here it’s a matter of chance.
- Captain, what course?
- 14.56
- What about the sale?
- What sale?
Lieutenant Rzhevsky married Natasha.
And Natasha’s mother says to her:
- Hussars are so loose if they offer to change their position
refuse, let everything be traditional.
A month after the wedding, the lieutenant (R) says to Natasha:
- Let’s change our position, Natasha...
- Why are you a lieutenant, mama says that everything should be traditional.
- Well, Natasha, youYou said yourself that you want children!
Rubchinsky(R) is standing naked in the kitchen, cutting sausage.
Then Bocharov(B) comes up to him from behind, also naked, and interjects
your x%# (P) in f#$y.
The following dialogue occurs:
(R) Take it out, primitive.
(B) I won’t take it out.
(R) No, take it out, primitive.
(B) No, I won’t take it out.
(R) takes a knife and carefully cuts off the back of #$% from (B).
- Now pick it out, primitive.
Выходит НЕГР из кабака и подходит к дереву, обнимает его и
начинает стонать. A policeman approaches him and asks:
(M) - what’s bad?
(H) - uh huh
(M) - do you want to go home?
(H) - uh huh
(M) - well, let me give you a ride.
On a warship, the captain calls the boatswain and says:
- An enemy torpedo is rushing towards us. Make sure the crew
These last minutes did not give in to panic.
The boatswain goes down to the wardroom and calls the sailors.
- Do you guys want me to break the deck with horseradish? Look!
One... Two... Three!
A terrible blow, a roar...
The captain swims up to the boatswain in the water:
- You're a fool, boatswain. And your jokes are stupid, the torpedo is missing
passed...
(P)orychik and (H)atasha are lying in bed. They feel good.
(P) - Natasha, you know, you somehow remind me of a battery...
(H) - What, is it just as warm?
(P) - No, it’s the same ribbed one!
(H) - Lieutenant?
(P) - ?
(H) - Do you know, your penis somewhat reminds me of Kyp’er’s
train...
(P) - What, is it just as long?
(H) - No, it only costs 3 minutes!
The lieutenant and Natasha are dancing at the ball.
The lieutenant presses ever closer andcloser, suddenly gets wildly excited
and jumps to the side.
(H) (not noticing anything, pointing to the new ring) - Opal, sir...
(P) (embarrassed) - No, sir, glass... In the boot, sir...
Monday: good day, the neighbor's goat went to the mountains.
The whole village was looking, the whole village of @Bali.
Tuesday: good day, the neighbor's cow went to the mountains.
The whole village was looking, the whole village of @Bali.
Wednesday: good day, the neighbor's daughter went to the mountains.
The whole village was looking, the whole village of @Bali.
Thursday: bad day. And why did I go to the mountains???
L. Beria received the Nobel Prize for proving that
knocking travels faster than sound.
A criminal meets with a collective farmer and they start talking about who
how to earn money:
(B) - Well, I go to all sorts of arrows here, I tell everyone off...
This is actually what I live for,
- What are you doing?
(K) - Me? Well, actually, I breed rabbits.
(B) - RABBIT? Hm. Original!
Teacher: Whoever answers first gets a point
above.
Student (standing up): Okay, give me a C, I'm leaving...
A girl is sitting in the sandbox.
A local hooligan approaches her:
- Girl, give me a spatula...
- Mom told me not to give anyone a spatula...
- I said give me a spatula...
- Mom said...
- I’m a local bandit, I’ll gouge out your eye, give me a spatula.
- Mom....
The bully pokes out his eye:
- I warned you, give me a spatula.
- Mom told me not to give anyone a spatula...
Gouges out the second eye.The girl gets up and walks towards the house...
- Girl, where are you going???
- Mom told me when it gets dark that I should go home...
The Serpent-Gorynych flies across the sky and screams at the top of his lungs:
"Everyone for the cleanup day, @#$%@!%! For the cleanup day, I said!"
Baba Yaga sits on the ground, looking at the snake
with sad eyes and says:
"Oh, poor thing, I'm sick, or the communists will fall
overeating?"
Two friends meet.
Well, one complains to the other:
“You know,” he says, “I have such a headache in the evenings.”
it hurts.
- Well, you give me, answers the other one, I’m without END and I can’t fall asleep
I can!
The second lieutenant walks along the row of soldiers and says:
- So, the problem: a detachment left one city at twelve o’clock.
a quarter, and arrived at another quarter to four.
How long did the squad travel?
One soldier comes forward and says:
- Four o'clock, Vashbrod!
- How interesting did you think that was?
- Well, of course: they left at twelve and a quarter, a quarter at
We drank on the way and returned at a quarter to four!
Two guys got completely drunk and don’t remember how they parted...
The next day, they are met with pretty bruises and, as always,
they begin to remember yesterday:
- Oh my! What happened yesterday? I don't remember anything...
- Look, think about it, I was walking home yesterday and suddenly a deer hit me in the back
horns - on! I fell, just got up, and then the goat horned me
back - grunt! I fell again...just got up when an elephant hit me
back with your trunk - shake! I just started to get up andthere's a rocket here
fuck right in my ass...
- Well, you're pouring! Well, I can still believe about animals, but about
rocket... you're chasing...
- If you don’t believe me, ask the director of the carousel yourself!
From the village, the father sends his son to the city to learn Latin.
Sending him money every month, he asks him to write what he wants
spends.
The son writes in the first letter:
- Spent 10 p. on notebooks and textbooks.
- For food 20 p., for food expenses 30 p.
Some time passes, a new line appears in the letter:
- For girls 3 p.
The father is proud that his son is studying in the city, gathers neighbors and
reads letters to them.
It’s somehow inconvenient to read my son’s new expenses, so he writes to him:
- Write instead of “for girls”, spent on hunting.
A letter arrives in the following format:
- Spent 5 p. on notebooks and textbooks.
- For food 20 p., for yourself 20 p. and for hunting 15 p.
Over time, hunting costs increased, and for everything
the rest decreased.
Now the following letter arrives:
- I spent 20 kopecks on notebooks and textbooks.
- For food 5 p., for yourself 5 p., for hunting 5 p. and to repair the gun
45 p.
The son comes home, and his father asks him:
- Tell me, son, how to say pitchfork in Latin.
(C) - Vilus.
(O) - And what about the horse?
(C) - Horse
(O) - Well, what about the cart?
(C) - Telegus, dad.
The father now understood what his son was doing in the city and said to him:
- So, take the vilus, lock the horse in the tilegus, and you will
spread manure.
Once a man went to the poultry market,I wanted to buy a parrot
and to speak. Well, I met a neighbor at the market, and he told him
I'll help you pick up a parrot that talks all day long
We went and finally bought it. Well, in the morning the neighbor and
asks:
- Well, how did the parrot speak?
- Yes! My bird has spoken!
- Well, what did you say?
- KAAAARR!!!
One day Yeltsin comes out of the church, and a beggar says to him:
- Give it, give it!
“How can I give you, you understand,” Yeltsin replies,
- I don’t have a racket and a ball?
Once upon a time there lived three brothers. They had a father and a mother, and a father and a mother
cow. They milked that cow, sold the milk, and that’s how they lived. Only
one day, take a cow and die! And father and mother died
from hunger. And three brothers went around the world to seek the truth.
Whether it was long or short, they reached the seashore. And I was sitting
I must say, there is a beautiful mermaid on the other side.
This is what the elder brother says:
“The mermaid is a witch! I’ll ask her to return our father and mother to us -
look, and what will happen! And he went to the mermaid.
“Give us back,” he says, “our mother’s and mine’s folder!”
And the mermaid answered him - “If you throw three sticks, I’ll return them!”
That's what they agreed on. The elder man strained himself, strained himself, but
the second one, ah-ah-ah, broke - the mermaid threw it into the sea.
Drowned, I mean. Well, the middle brother went, but not even that
mastered it and drowned him, ctepbb sea! It was the youngest's turn.
He approaches the mermaid and says:
- And what, beauty, are the conditions?
- Yes, the former ones,Well done! Three times in total.
- Why is that so? Is four possible?
- Can! (The mermaid was surprised)
- Or maybe five?
- Well, impudent! But five is possible.
- What about six, seven, eight?
- It’s possible, it’s possible, it’s possible!
- Aren’t you going to die like our cow?
The dude smoked so well, he walks into a funeral store
accessories and says:
- Give me something fun...
- Daragoy, I beg you, sing a song about a cat!
There is nothing to do, Kuzmin asks a musician from the orchestra for a guitar
and starts playing “Once upon a time there was a black cat...”
- No, dear, not this one, the other one:
"You will love me as a cat..."
After a while it comes up again:
- Daragoy, sing the song “Dad Mom Don’t F#%t.”
- ???
- “My sister is Nat, my brother is Nat...”
On a warship, the captain calls the boatswain and says:
- An enemy torpedo is rushing towards us. Make sure the crew
These last minutes did not give in to panic.
The boatswain goes down to the wardroom and calls the sailors.
“Now,” he says, “I’ll kick and the whole ship will fly apart.”
pieces.
All:
- Ha-ha-ha, what a joker our boatswain is.
The boatswain kicked - the ship was in pieces...
The captain swims up to the boatswain in the water:
- You're a fool, boatswain. The torpedo passed by.
It means [P]ank is standing in a pet store near an aquarium with fish.
[M]ent approaches the menu:
[M] - What are you doing here?
[P] - But look:
If you look to the left - the fish swim to the left, if you look to the right -
fish there too.
[P] - This is called the influence of higher formsmind to the lower ones.
[M] - Fuck off.
The punk leaves, after a while he returns, the cop looks
costs:
- Up, up, up (in short, like a fish pulled ashore)
It means a hare is running through the forest and trips over a turtle
(naturally, in the fall, a bunch of non-censorship erupts)
Well, the turtle asks him:
Where are you going with your scythe???
The hare says to her:
I heard the elephant was raped, so the lion is gathering everyone in the clearing
about this.
The turtle asks him to take me with you, otherwise I
I’ll crawl through and it’ll all be over!!!
Well, the tortoise hare means take off your pants and run into the clearing, he flies out
there, and there the Lion roars:
-Who raped the elephant???
Everyone is silent (silent).
This is what the lion says:
- The one who raped the elephant will receive a bag of gold!!!
Well, the hare flies out screaming:
- I!!!
Leo to him:
- How can you prove it?!?!
The hare pulls the turtle out of his pants and asks indignantly:
- Where else, tell me, could I pick up such a mondo girl???
The drug addict is standing on the bridge, looking into the river, so detached.
And he mumbles something under his breath (say it very slowly):
- Taa-aaa-am, taa-aaa-am...
People come up and ask - what’s there??? And the guy is standing, he doesn’t care
purple people:
- Taa-aaa-am, taa-aaa-am...
A whole crowd has gathered, they are shouting, worrying, swearing, some
They were already about to jump into the water - what if there was a corpse or valuables there?
some kind of money...
And then my brother says:
- Taa-aaa-am, taa-aaa-am,param-pam-pam...
Lieutenant Rzhevsky and Natasha and their mother are riding in the compartment.
Natasha asks:
- Mama, what hurts the most?
- Give birth, daughter.
- Madam! Have you ever had a beer barrel fall on your egg?
- Here, daughter, remember - when you set the table you never
put eggs on silver, it makes them darker.
“Yes...” the lieutenant thought to himself.
- “Live forever, learn forever!”
And he put the cigarette case and pockets into his jacket.
The gentleman is sitting on the porch, sleek greyhounds are frolicking nearby.
The master says to the slave:
- Come on, step on Erofeyich’s (one of the dogs) eggs
- Why are you a gentleman, he has such teeth that he’ll bite off your leg in no time!
- Step on it anyway, otherwise I’ll screw you to death.
There is nothing to do - it has arrived.
Erofeich bit off his leg completely.
Master:
- Yes... Erofeich doesn’t love you!
- Hello! You are concerned about the small enterprise Technotex.
“The small enterprise Technotex does not bother us,” they responded to
the other end of the line and hung up.
A beggar asks a passerby for money.
- I won’t give it. You'll drink them anyway.
- I don't drink.
- Then you will lose at cards.
- I don't play cards.
- Then you'll spend it on a prostitute.
- I don't communicate with women.
- Okay, I'll give you two hundred bucks, but you come with me.
Let my wife see what can happen to a man who has
no drawbacks.
At the beginning of the year, the teacher meets the students.
He asks one of them:
- What's your last name?
- Stirlitz.
- Are you laughing at me? Run after your parents!
Comesfather. The teacher complains:
- What is this? I ask your son's last name, and he
answers:
- "Stirlitz"!
Father confused:
- He's shy. We are Bormanns...
A patient with a broken leg is brought to the ambulance.
- How did this happen?
- During the game.
- Did you play football?
- No, playing cards.
- Cards??
- Yes, my friend gave me signs under the table.
At the height of the epidemic, the doctor gave a record number of injections.
In desperation, he pinned a note to the reception door:
“To save time, please enter the room backwards.”
A proud father calls the editorial office of one of the newspapers and reports that he
the wife gave birth to triplets. The editor, not hearing, says:
- Could you repeat it?
- Repeat? no, pipes! Three is enough for me!
The guest looks at the hostess’s son in surprise:
- Does he really go to school? After all, he is only three years old!
And does he really read newspapers?
- No! Come on! He only solves crossword puzzles in them!
Doctor! My husband is very bad.
He imagines that he is a horse. He's been wearing horseshoes and eating oats for a month now.
and hay.
- He needs serious treatment. oh this will cost a lot!
- It doesn't bother me. There are no problems with money now - husband
came first twice at the races.
- Vovochka! - asks the teacher, - when you are in a thunderstorm
petting a cat, especially against the grain, in the dark, what do you care?
catches your eye?
- Cat!
Two gentlemen emerge from a stormy night
restaurant.
It's still dark.
- Do you hear, John, how beautiful it is?does the lark sing?
- This is not a lark, this is a trout singing.
-Are you crazy? Trout? At night?
Grandfather says to his student granddaughter:
- In my time, girls still knew how to blush!
- I can imagine what you told them!
If I'm not mistaken, I think I instructed you to take blood from a patient.
from the sixth ward? - the doctor says to the nurse.
- Yes, doctor, I took it. It is exactly 5.2 liters.
My wife returned from a trip and found a lot of empty dishes in the kitchen.
bottles
-Where did they come from? - she asks.
- I’m surprised myself! I have never bought empty bottles.
- So. You are accused of quackery.
You sold the elixir of eternal youth to gullible people.
Have you been convicted before?
- Yes. In 1451, 1639, 1893 and 1904.
At night:
- Mom! Bring some water!
- Get up and get drunk yourself.
- Well, bring it!
- If you whine, I’ll give you a belt!
- Well, when you get up to get your belt, you’ll bring some water at the same time!
The husband quickly runs home, rushes to his wife, kisses her and
receives a hot kiss in response.
“Well, now,” says the husband.
- tell me, how do you like me without a mustache?
- A! So is it you?
- Don't worry! - the doctor calms the young woman who has
I just delivered a baby in an elevator.
- I was told that last year one woman gave birth
right at the bus stop.
- Doctor, it was me...
- Waiter! If it's a young chick, then I'm the Pope!
- How can I serve, Your Eminence?...
An old man and an old woman remember their youth.
- When I was a guy, -says grandfather, “I really liked one
the girl is Galya Koroleva... Who knows where she is now. what's wrong with her?
- Are you crazy, old man? It's me!
- Since your dog died, your husband has been impossible
find out. He became so determined, so healthy looking, so
looks great, in such great shape! Share the recipe.
- You see, we still had reserves of Pedigripal.
Don't throw it away...
The two met in the garden plots:
- Finally, good weather has arrived. If these warm rains
If they hold out for another two or three days, everything will rise from the ground!
- Don't scare me, for God's sake! I have a cemetery over there
two wives are buried...
France. Tour of the Yakut ballet.
production of "Swan Lake".
A colossal success! The correspondent asks the choreographer:
- How long did you rehearse?
- Six months and two weeks... We actually rehearsed for two
weeks, and for six months I tried to explain to the dancers what it is
swan...
A wife complains to her husband:
- Yesterday I met your secretary. Poor thing! She is suffering so much!
- Because of what?
- It's all our neighbor's fault.
- Does she know him?
- No, she doesn’t know me, but, unfortunately, I do.
However, it's a long story...
-Where did you meet her?
- At the venereologist.
- What is this tattoo below your back: 00-88 AIA?
- This is not a tattoo, it was my wife who pressed the gas when I was in the garage
opened.
A young mother sits on a bench in the park.
Her little sonrides next to her on a bicycle.
- Mommy! Look! “I’m driving without hands,” and he turns behind a bush.
A minute later he comes out from behind a bush.
- Mother! I'm going without a tooth!
A young patient at a doctor's appointment.
- Take off your clothes!
- Oh, you know, I'm very shy.
Could you turn off the light, Doctor?
- As you wish...
- Only now I don’t see anything. Where should I put my clothes?
- Let's come here, near my...
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Editor-in-Chief: Mr.ZERO, Ilya, t. 499-3117
Technical editor: M&G Corp., Igor, t. 496-6159
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