Your Horoscopes by Mystic Bogie Aries 21 March - 20 April There is fast approaching a period of financial difficulty that can be easily avoided if you rob a bank or knock off a rich relative. You need to consider whether diseases that you have been giving to other people, are really doing as much good as you hope. If you look carefully, you may find that your generosity is merely making others hate you. Taurus 21 April - 21 May You will have the tendency to get carried away with the moment and rape a small child, but you should try to put all more of your energies and emotions into something furry. Take time to consider the feelings of those you have raped and left for dead, are they likely to feel rejected and left out? If so, perhaps you really are simply being led astray by LaesQ at the moment Gemini 22 May - 21 June You will be highly motivated to succeed and there will be little that will be capable of distracting you from the bar and booze. However, you are in no mood for halfs, only go for pints or spirits. You will expect and demand that people buy you drinks, you will be unwilling to buy a round but maybe forced to if a friend smashes a glass over your head. Bewarned. Cancer 22 June - 23 July You may start feeling that you have lost control of your own reality and that others may appear to be a varied range of mystical characters, but don't worry, this will just be the LSD that you have taken. Try to accept that others will be laughing uncontrollably at you. Perhaps they are not even aware of the worries they are causing you. Leo 24 July - 23 August If you are single, avoid being too nicey nicey with a member of the opposite sex this week, just bash them over the head and drag them by the hair to your house (you will be able to take advantage of them there). You run the risk of being arrested and miss out on the chance to contract an infectious disease from a work colleague. Virgo 24 August - 23 September You will have fucked everyone you know this week. This will be a good week to get blow jobs from your friends parents, mother and father so don't be shy. Let everyone know what you have done and even more sex could follow Libra 23 September - 23 October You will need to try very hard to account for you where abouts when asked where you have been for the last 3 months. Whatever you do don't tell the truth about being in prison for touching up mice. Everyone else's needs and feelings should be ignored, if you don't, all your carefully made plans could end in death. You will also find that you easily get bored, try to stick things up your arse for entertainment. Your life is likely to be ruined in the future, act surprised when in does. Scorpio 24 October - 22 November You will have the tendency to stick your nose in any bodily hole you can find. Where it is not welcome, a surprise awaits. People are very likely to simply think that you need help and you may find that as a result you get taken away by the men in white coats. This should be easily avoided by you remembering that you shouldn't penetrate unless you are invited to. Sagittarius 23 November - 21 December You could find that you act on impulse a great deal, if you don't take care to consider the options, you may easily find that you are unexpectedly in bed with someone of the same sex. However, you should be in the mood for a great homosexual relationship, and are unlikely to take much notice of rules, regulations and insults that will follow from others. Capricorn 22 December - 20 January All around you will people trying to kill you, they will have knives and guns. These people should be avoided at all costs. If you find it impossible not to avoid them your happy life may be ended prematurely. Aquarius 21 January - 19 February Recently, you have been anally violated and you are probably still feeling a little confused about this. You will find that there is an over used condom smouldering away inside you, and although you are really angry with yourself, you like it! At work, you will probably find that there are numerous anal gangbangs - join in! Pisces 20 February - 20 March A cock could find it's way into your arse and your life will involve a change, mainly due to the fact that you contract HIV. This could be passed around where you work. If the opportunity arises for you to commit suicide you should jump at it because you are a no good worthless piece of shit. FUCK OFF! Bogie^RA ra ra